One Year Ago I Changed My Life

Now here is a post I have been thinking about and planning for a year.  I remember thinking back then how much I wanted to change my whole life, I was not aware of how I was going to change it as much as I did. All that I knew was that I did not want to be in the same place that I was a year ago.  I was unhappy, overweight, alone... just going through the motions.

Then 'he' ticked me off severely and I knew then I would have to change everything.  At first I was thinking what could I do differently that I had not done in the past, so that I could be successful?  That was of course when the contest came up at work.  I threw myself into it, I walked everywhere and I ate so well.  The weight literally fell off of me, the first eleven weeks I lost over 37 pounds.  I kept seeing positive changes and right about that time, I started doing this for myself. 

I came to many realizations over the past year, where I found that I needed to love myself where I was and not when I had lost a certain amount of weight... I also found that I wanted this for me, not for anyone else and I proved that to myself and others when my life completely fell apart the end of September and I did not go back to eating and putting the weight back on.  That is how I failed in the past ... this time I was different, this time I wanted it for all the right reasons.

I didn't want it for a certain event, I didn't want it for someone else, I didn't want it to prove to others I could do this... I wanted this for me, I wanted to be healthy and I fell in love with how committed I was to myself and to my future.  I added years to my life by losing the 80+ pounds I lost, I still have a few to go but that can come over the summer.  I feel really good about how I have changed my body and my health, maintaining it is actually harder than losing it but it is what I want now, I don't want to ever go back to where I was..

What ended up changing?  My health improved, except for the lack of sleep... still working on that one.  Am I any happier?  A month ago I would have said no but I can see how it is getting better with time... there is a light ahead, I have hope... it was a really long hard road. Am I alone?  Yes, but I am at least attempting to date, which is further ahead than I was a year ago.

When I made that decision to really commit, not just wish or hope for it, I had no idea how much my life would change.  I don't even know that I was prepared, I hit some huge bumps along the way that threatened to pull me down and each time I was sure I would fail or give up... I kept pushing myself and holding onto that little bit of hope that I would be strong enough to get through whatever was thrown at me.  While I was in the worst part of it, I was absolutely sure I wouldn't make it through.

There were nights that I crawled into bed and cried, got up in the morning and cried...  I didn't go back to food but I wasn't always successful with other things in my life.  Some part of me kept holding on, sometimes it was something that someone would write, other times it was a message from a person that barely knew me but seemed to know exactly what to say to me. A lot of the time it was being able to write everything I was feeling down in this blog.

That wasn't always easy either as you know that someone (not him) felt they needed to dig through everything I had written to discredit me, so that they could feel better about themselves.  I would actually like to thank that person today but I think she finally gave up reading my blog, especially after she accidentally followed my Pinterest board.  As soon as she realized what she had done, she deleted her own account and I haven't seen her ... nice to know she got a life of her own.

One of the best things that came out of this all was that of course I lost the weight and became healthier than I have ever been.... two I refuse to hide anything, I am an open book and no one will ever change that about me and three, most importantly I gained my self esteem and self worth back.  I know there are people who don't think I did but that is their problem, not mine.

One year ago I changed my life by making a decision, sticking to it and never giving up.  Was it easy?  No... but it was and is worth it... I will never give up on myself again, I did many years ago and finding myself this last year has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences I have ever been through. The biggest question that I am sure people have for me, as I have had this question for myself.  Would I have made the same decision knowing what I ended up losing?  I don't know, I am grateful I had no idea what I would lose, I might not have taken the path I did...

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A Time To Reflect

I held off writing this post because I feel like I had disappointed everyone. When I wrote my last post, I had already met 'S' and we seemed to have connected on many levels.  We talked at great length and laughed a lot, we were messaging each other all day throughout the day and making plans to see each other more.  Suddenly it ended as quickly as it started and although I was disappointed, I am still in a good place with myself.  I did take myself off the dating site for a while, I have issues when someone cannot say they are just not that into me.

I would respect someone more if they could be totally honest with me, especially since we had talked about it at great length before we even met.  I know when I met someone that I wasn't interested in, I nicely told him and didn't leave him hanging. Not everyone is capable of saying the truth for fear of not being able to handle the reaction.  Well, too bad...personally suck it up and be an adult, say the truth.

This past week gave me a little time to reflect and made me think about 'him' a bit, although 'he' did explain back in early 2012 that he realized he still had feelings for his ex, he did wait until he was home, many provinces away.  Also, he had no issue being with me the whole time he was home for the holidays in 2011, it made me wonder when he had actually come to the conclusion that he still had feelings for her...

Then it made me think about last summer when he and I were talking everyday and he was saying a lot of things he shouldn't have said because although I knew in my head that we were just friends, as I wrote about that often.  My heart wasn't quite as smart and I still had feelings... of course I never hid those either, anyone who was not aware was blind, deaf or dumb... none of which I thought he was... I think the thing that really upset me and had me turning around in circles was the about face in the matter of two days near the end of September last year.

Everything was normal on a Friday, we were laughing, teasing each other, joking and texting goodnight with xoxo like we did every night for the past couple of years.  Then out of the blue I was told something I wasn't aware of, I asked him to tell me more about it, I mean... we were 'friends', that is what 'friends' do, share their lives.  I was told that he would tell me later and to remember I was special to him and always would be...

That wasn't the truth, when it all finally came out two days later... I was the one left spinning, not understanding anything ... I was in shock and I have been for nearly nine months.  The whole thing blew me away because he told me how important honesty was to him and I reiterated the fact that it was extremely important to me too.  I was and always will be honest with the people in my life... he cannot say the same thing.

Instead of being honest, he stated he was unaware that I had been writing about him.  I want to laugh right here and now about that, he had liked my Facebook page, he had me listed as family and that meant he was getting all my updates and knew very well that I was writing about him.  Not to mention that I had actually sent many of the links to him, encouraging him to read them.  I also have a conversation where I had asked him if it was okay for me to write about him and he told me it was fine. 

This shook me to the core because I believed with my whole heart that even though we were only going to be friends, we would always be honest and open with each other.  After reflecting on my last dating incident, this all came to my mind and I realized that although he stated he wanted honesty... he only wanted what he could handle... That is very sad, as true friends are hard to come by... I have forgiven him, I refuse to hold a grudge against anyone, life is way too short.

I wanted to tell you all that I do believe that eventually I will find love, it just has to happen because I have so many people throughout this world that are hoping, praying and sending out beautiful happy vibes for me... it cannot be denied to me, I totally believe that the universe gives back what you give out.  So in essence this last dating episode with 'S' was actually good for me in the long run, it gave me time to really think... it gave me time to reflect.

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