Comebacks Are Stonger Than Setbacks

Time has been flying by so quick lately, I have been busy at work, doing overtime, staying late to get work done and starting early. By the time I'd get off, it was all I could do to just make a meal and keep up with the housework. There are less than two weeks left for the busiest time of year at work, I am looking forward to having time for myself again. This weekend is a long one for us in Nova Scotia today, it is Family Day... I made sure I had all the housework and grocery shopping done so that today would just be for me to write... oh and get caught up on my blogs... I am way behind and I have truly missed you all. 

I think I need to consider giving television up again, I did it for 5 months before and I didn't miss it... it is such a time waster for me. I haven't been able to give it up totally, so I have been contemplating having one day a week where I can watch a couple of my favorite shows and turn it off for the rest of the time. Then I could actually use my time for other activities such as cooking, reading, exercising and keeping in contact with people I love. I have been questioning what I really want as I find that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want... I do wish it was easier to commit to doing what I say... 

I remember being so committed, I had a goal and I was driven... it's like I let the challenges break me. I am being honest here, I let those challenges break me, it's like I am terrified of committing to anything... I have failed so many times in the last year to year and a half. Part of me thinks if I don't commit I won't fail again... When I know that if I don't commit I will fall backwards... because the truth is if we are not moving forward, we are going backwards. I want to change that feeling, I want to face the fear and move through it... 

I have been acting like I am weak and unable to fix the broken parts of me... somehow it seemed easier than facing the truth and making the changes. I have grown through many challenges that I often believed were impossible for me to see through to the other side... Each time the trial seemed insurmountable and yet I made it over each mountain over and over... becoming stronger. Every one of us has numerous tests we are given, we all have to decide for ourselves if we are going to fight to get through or let them bury us. 

I have been allowing it to bury me and frankly, it hasn't felt good... I have talked the good talk for months but they have been empty words, admitting that I have been going backwards is the first step in moving forward. I know I cannot make all the changes I want all at once, I have to start prioritizing what is important and then build on it each day. No one climbed a mountain in one day, it took climbing hills and gaining strength and knowledge to get to the top of the mountain. I know I have to commit all the way but... I don't have to commit to everything all at once, that will just continue to make me feel like a failure and I won't ever succeed at anything. 

The good thing for me is that spring is on its way here, still a month or so away but I am seeing the light... and Valentina has her orthodontist appointment in less than two weeks, so I will finally have a price to fix her teeth. Half the issue is not knowing, I can't commit any other money anywhere until I know what I will be needing on a monthly basis. Also, I will then be able to get around easier when the snow is gone and the daylight will last later in the day... I have hibernated with winter, more so than usual but it's time for me to take the first step of ascending that mountain I want to climb to the top of... Although there will be setbacks, the comeback is always stronger...

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Be About Actions, Not Distractions

It's funny how time gets away from me, before I know it a week has passed by, I have been overwhelmed with things going on. I feel like I have been doing catch up for quite some time. You all know I love working from home and how grateful I am to have that blessing, I thought I would have all this extra time to do those things I never seemed to have time to do... but I think until I actually make a plan or a commitment to myself, nothing will change. No amount of extra time will inspire me to follow a plan because the truth is that the lack of time wasn't stopping me from working on myself. Although I said that and felt that, I believe it was an excuse. 

I know from past experience that I will never be successful with anything until I am all in, not just dipping my toe into the water. The excuses I have had for myself for well over a year are just that excuses... the question is what do I really want? If I don't commit fully, do I want to change? I am beginning to think what I am saying has been lip service, even to myself. It's funny how we think by declaring something that we will follow through. Thinking doesn't change anything, actions do... talk will never help me to attain any of the goals I say I want, actions are the only thing that will do that. 

I talked to my friend last night about joining up with the Canada Games Centre, we both want to work on ourselves and I feel that if we do it together it will help immensely... I know that it won't keep me on track as I am the only one who can do that for me... however; I think the buddy system helps to start me on the right path, what I do there when I get there is up to me... I have tried a little and I do mean a little yoga but I feel so uncoordinated with no balance. I didn't commit to it, yet I am fully aware that whenever you start anything it takes time to get to where you desire. 

 

Then I read a blog this morning My New Happy which reminded me that I can't do everything all at once, I can't be my best the first time I try something and I can't give up because of it... the first day I decided walking was what I would do to get healthy and exercise, I walked one mile, it took me close to 23 minutes to walk it... it was tough, I had to stop and rest twice, I was red, out of breath. I wondered how anyone could walk a mile in under 15 minutes. The next day I walked another mile, I built on it slowly, before I knew it I was walking 3 miles a day. It took me nearly 6 months but I got my mile under 15 minutes.  

I didn't give up because it was hard, I committed to putting the time in because I made it important to me. So, as difficult as yoga seems to be, I am going to commit to 10 minutes starting tomorrow. Before I know it I will be able to hold a pose or balance for 10 to 30 seconds... along with this my sister has advised me of two very simple exercises where I can strengthen my back muscles, just because I am 53 I don't want to give up on myself and think this is it... plenty of older people live healthy lives with very little pain. 

 

I'm sure the excuses will come, they came with walking and I didn't give up because it was important to me... I want this to become essential to me too. I have given up on myself many times, I keep fighting back and I became stronger each time.... It's about time for me to commit to myself again and not give up so easily. I have set the alarm clock to get up 20 minutes earlier, eventually, I want to make it an hour... I loved my mornings in the past, it was me time where I could relax and get things done... it's quiet in the mornings, fewer distractions. I need to be about actions, not distractions!

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Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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Change My Thoughts, Transform My Life

I have been so busy and then I finally had a three day weekend... Saturday Valentina went off to camp for 4 days, I hope she is having a lot of fun... the weather has turned out to be wonderful for her. I spent the whole day at the salon getting my hair cut and colored... it's a school but they do great work and for a really decent fee.  Sunday I was wiped out, all I did was relax and get caught up will all my blogs... I had taken 3-4 days off reading and commenting... I really needed the time to refresh.

Today I spent more time cleaning and organizing... now that I have things in order, I just want to keep it up... I don't want to go back to where I was, it was overwhelming and depressing. One of the best decisions I made was to hire the lady that has helped me get my life and house in order. Since I am organized with my house, I have a strong desire to cook at home, instead of stopping off at the grocery store every morning for lunch, I pack a tasty and healthy one at home. 

So food wise I am feeling great, I am using My Fitness Pal and I'm tracking my food daily... I am not feeling like I am missing out as I am enjoying the fruit and vegetables that are available this time of the year... What I am struggling with is exercise, I don't know why I can't seem to push through like I did before. I just did it, I never used any excuses and I didn't care if I sweated... Lately all I do is rationalize about not exercising... which frustrates me as I know that moving more is a great way to get in shape and be healthy. 

I feel like I need to find that switch inside of myself that I found a few years ago... I was in the zone, nothing got in my way... I know that all I really need to do is just start, I have done it before, I can do it again... I don't have to go all out like I did before as I think that was a bit much for me and one of the reasons ended up getting hurt. I don't even want push to myself like I did before... I just want to start again and build on it over time. 

I have decided that I am going to exercise 3 times a week for a half hour each time per week to start with... it is something I can do so that I don't get hurt or give up. I would love to do it before I start work as that is the coolest time of the day, I am still waiting to work from home, I am not sure what the hold up is... all I can do it just be ready for when it happens... As soon as I do, I could exercise before work, have a shower, start work and kick off my day with a good start. 

Until that happens, I will have to make an effort to exercise after work, otherwise it could be another month and I would still be in the same place. The last thing I want is be in the exact spot I am right now... and I am the only one who can change it. Sometimes it's difficult to admit that it really is up to me, knowing this means that I need to put the effort in... no one will or can do it for me... I am hoping by changing my thoughts I will transform my life... again ...

 

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There Is No Perfect Time, The Time Is Now

I had a very productive week, I took time off from blogging and from TV while Valentina went to camp and I had a woman I know come to my home and we cleaned my entire home... when Valya goes to another camp the end of this month, the woman I know is going to come over so that we can finish off by organizing and purging the closets. I have been loving how clean it is, it's so much easier when you know where items are... the main idea I have to teach Valentina is that she needs to pick up after herself... I cannot do it all alone. 

I want to be completely ready when the time comes for me to work from home, which should be very soon... I feel like if I can be organized that I will have more time to do the things I want to do, such as get back to walking regularly... I am even contemplating purchasing a bike to drive on the trails... I think it would be good exercise for taking pressure off my knees. The trail is fairly flat and very scenic... I think it would be awesome to bike it daily, it goes out for quite a distance too..

I have been feeling an urgent need to start taking better care of my health, I have been conscious of how uncomfortable I am with the weight I have gained back... I know how good it feels when I am paying attention to my health. I also am well aware that when I make a commitment as I have done in the past, it doesn't take long to get into the swing of it... success is most certainly possible... What has always been the difficult part of losing weight and becoming healthy is maintaining, there are so many challenges that can get in your way, weather, depression and injury... None of these should stop me...

When I was at my most successful in the past, I didn't let anything get in the way of my goal... not even my 50th birthday when I made a watermelon birthday cake, instead of a high calorie cake. I didn't feel like I was missing out, I felt incredibly good and on top of my health. The more I exercised, the better and stronger I felt... It was an incredible feeling... at first I started because of the contest but ultimately I kept doing it for me and I then competed with me. 

I think we all need to find what brings our passions out with exercise, mine was walking... I know I will enjoy biking as I biked about 15 years ago and I loved it. For the past couple of months I have been waiting to feel motivated but waiting won't give me the desire, just doing is the only way. My birthday is in less then two weeks, I also will have enough money to purchase a really good pair of sneakers so that I can be successful.

I will be back to tracking my walking on Map My Walk, I would love to surpass the 600 miles I walked in three months last year. I also know it will be slow going in the beginning, it's very easy to get out of shape but I also know it doesn't take long to get back into the swing of it... I don't plan to push myself too hard in the beginning, the last thing I want to do is re injure myself. This time I plan to listen to my body and take a day off here and there to relax my body. What I understand the most is the perfect time does not exist, the time is now...

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Happiness Can Be A Step Away

I had a fairly good week in getting things done that I needed to do... I finally started to declutter, it has been overwhelming. I had to get to a point that I realize I won't get it done in one day, not even one week... possibly a month. As I am not looking to just move things from one place to another, I want to completely rid myself of things I no longer need or use. It's awful how I have accumulated unnecessary things, I have started with the bigger items and rearranging furniture.

 

As furniture and bags have left the house, I have started to feel lighter... I am looking forward to the day I have my house in order so that everything has a place and nothing new comes into the house unless something is leaving. The older I get the more I want to downsize... I have gone through cleaning thoroughly many times but until I downsize the clutter will always take over and become uncontrollable. It's like putting a band-aid on a cut that needs stitches... it never heals. If I want Valentina to learn that things are not important, I have to set the example.

With learning to live in the moment, it has given me the desire to do what I can each day, not thinking of ways to leave it for another day... I came to a conclusion the past couple of weeks that I was ignoring things that needed to be done because I didn't want to deal with it... just like opening my heart to allow love into it... I had to open my eyes to my surroundings and do something about it. My house is not a disaster by any means, I just have too many things that don't have places to go.

I had to take a hard look at myself and know that I had allowed it to get to this point because I didn't want to handle it, I didn't want to take responsibility, if I did, I would have to admit that I could do something, ... it meant I could no longer come home from work, sit down and veg out with my phone and the TV (which I don't even really watch)... When I had really committed to exercise, I gave up TV for 5 or 6 months and I didn't miss it at all, I am doing this again.

I have two goals by the end of this year and going forward, first the short goal is decluttering my house, which I have a very good start on and two getting back to walking and strength training. I have not felt good with my health, the added weight has made me want to move less and it has caused pain in my knees... luckily for me I remember how good it feels to be healthy and I am looking forward to getting there again. I don't have a goal weight, I have exercise goals... I'm back on My Fitness Pal and I am starting a couple of walking challenges tomorrow, this is what I need to get myself back to exercising daily. 

I think opening my heart to love was one of the best decisions I have made, it helped me take a long look at my life and by not hiding, I had to do something about it... is it easy? No, I can't say that but I can say that I can see it will be worth it... I had open up to see that happiness can be a step away...

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Control Is An Illusion

 

I have been thinking more about being open to love as I wrote last week and contemplating how to really do this and not just give it lip service... because I notice that I do not commit the way that I should. The last thing I really committed to was becoming healthy... it was what I had to focus on. It wasn't a bad thing to put my heart and soul into it as I got to a place where I felt physically strong. However I believed I had control over it and nothing was further from the truth...

Something comes along and challenges you, you realize the truth is there is no guaranteed tomorrow... there is no real control... My defining moment came in November when out of the blue I was not able to walk... as you all know I became frustrated, disappointed, almost disillusioned... when I realized I couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to....  forces outside ourselves can change in a moment. 

I was reminded of many years ago when a friend of mine was going to visit her family in the valley... she and I had made plans for when she returned. She didn't return as she died in a car accident. I remember how fleeting life seemed that day.... death does that to us ... we never think about it until it happens... of course we shouldn't dwell on it as we need to live in the moment but I think we need to remember that life is about change ... we honestly have no control over anything except what we think and feel... 

All of this made me think about why I closed my heart, I wanted to have control over it... I felt if I did that no one could or would hurt me but in the process I almost lost the ability to feel much of anything. I have not felt true happiness or joy for a couple of years, it's true I once felt a joy more than I ever could have imagined possible but the flip side of that was despair. As I have written before I wondered if it was worth it... how could that joy be worth that much pain? So, no matter what happened, I didn't truly engage... when I did that, I didn't truly live...

After last week, I thought about how I want to engage... I want to live in the moment, I want to give up the illusive control because it hasn't served me well... I thought it protected me but I wasn't living... I was going through the motions. I don't necessarily think that opening my heart means romantic love, as I stated last week, I will be okay without it... but what I am not okay with is holding myself back for fear of pain, which doesn't let me move forward. This is why the thought of opening my heart has been at the forefront of my thoughts... the minute I contemplated it is when I started feeling tense... 

I know that is fear ... I want to step past it, it isn't easy... it means allowing myself to feel... happy or sad ... it means allowing myself to believe that it won't always be sad and mostly it means knowing that even though I want to control it... it's really illusive... control just meant holding myself back... Besides it's an illusion that I am giving up so that I can be ready to take on whatever comes my way...

 

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Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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If Not Now? Then When?

I had a really nice Christmas, Valentina was happy with her gifts. I had a few people over and I enjoyed all the food and company... it was really nice to share it with others... I think that's the best part of the holidays, visiting with each other and spending more time getting to know one another.

Saying all this I have been out of control with food, using any and every excuse from it's Christmas, it's a sad time for memories to I'm injured so why not? (basically feeling sorry for myself)... I kept telling myself I'll get back on track after this or after that. I lost focus and I didn't allow myself to see how far I have fallen. Not until a couple of days ago when I felt so uncomfortable that I could no longer ignore it.

This brings me to this blog post title: If Not Now? Then When? ... so I am not waiting until New Years or another predefined date, I am never successful with a date, I just have to do it and most of all I need to make a commitment to myself. So although I am not able to exercise the way I like to or need to, I am going to be accountable for my food. No matter what I eat, I will be tracking it in My Fitness Pal and I will be publishing it daily there.

I would love it if anyone of you wanted to join up there (my user name there is launnk) and work on your goals, even if you just want to maintain, it's a great way to stay healthy. I am and have always been about getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. It is not, nor will it ever be about losing a lot of weight. 

I'm a curvy girl and I love my curves... I have no plans to ever lose them all. We are all built with different shapes and sizes, I say celebrate it and love ourselves no matter what size or shape we are...however; feeling comfortable and healthy in our skin is important.

I don't want it to be an obsession, nor do I want to be so rigid that I feel like I am denying myself any food groups. This is going to be about portions and feeding my body the healthy food it needs and desires. Ever since I hurt my leg, I used it as an excuse..  then I kept thinking how I needed to get on track. Yesterday I thought, If Not Now? Then When? ... Now is the time.... 

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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Trust Can Be A Scary Two Way Street

I have been wanting to write all weekend, there seemed to be one thing or another that got in the way of that, so I finally had time to sit down and write and then the computer was acting up... I thought I might have to blog from my phone and that did not excite me... I would much rather type on a keyboard. Anyhow, I finally got my computer working.

So, I had this pretty wonderful week that I was flying high, I have been talking to the new guy a great deal... then on Saturday he surprised me with a text that he was going to be in Halifax for a few hours and he wanted to spend that time with me. We talk non stop on the phone... okay, if I am being honest, I talk non stop ... lol... he said he loves listening to me talk, he is a keeper. I do ask plenty of questions which he openly answers, however; getting to see him face to face is even better. 

We just went for a drive and talked even more than usual, you can't beat seeing each other while you are talking and being able to hold hands. He tells me all the time he is the luckiest guy to have found me... I think that is sweet but I also think we are equally lucky, I didn't and don't want to be on some sort of pedestal... I am NOT perfect I have made many mistakes, he said he doesn't care and that although he thinks I am pretty wonderful, he won't put me on a pedestal, there is no where to go but down from there.

I have decided that I will put my heart out there and give him a chance, can I tell you all how scary that is... well, it is about the scariest thing I have done in years. This coming from a girl who wants that commitment ... I know how far down I am capable of falling after trusting someone with my heart in the past and frankly that scares me more than anything I have had to deal with... He's afraid too... he has been hurt, I told him I thought we were worth the try, he said yes... and that he knew I was more than worth trying for..

Even though it is has been a little challenging with his work and having to be out of town... he is very transparent with me and I actually think the distance has been a good thing. It has forced us to talk a lot and really get to know each other and the few times we have been able to get together we are both so excited that we laugh and talk endlessly wanting to find out as much as we can about the other. Thankfully, he has downtime in the Winter where we can really have one on one time to spend together, by then we will both know what we truly want from the other...

Here is my dilemma because of the way men have treated me in the past I find it extremely difficult to trust them ... I have told him that and he said he understands, he knows how men can be and he can understand where I am coming from. I told him I am tired of games and I won't play any of them... he told me he's not out to play with me, he is out to win my heart... I am going to trust him unless he gives me an excuse not to... he's doing the same with me... Trust can be a scary two way street... so far so good.

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A Promise Is Sweet But A Commitment Is Love

I can finally sit down and write, this past week has been incredibly busy and draining. Work is work, I have so little to say about it, it has changed and not for the good but I go there every day so that I can collect a pay check... not a fun reason but a needed one for now. Then I came home one night after a two hour trip on the bus as we had our first snowfall this year, it usually takes me about ninety minutes... I sat down to unwind and when I looked down, I saw a flea.

I freaked out as this is disconcerting to me, my poor sweet kitty is an indoor cat and I do not have carpet here, I called the vet, found I would have to de-flea my whole house which is what I did all day today. I washed everything... sixteen loads of laundry. Vacuumed, swept and mopped... then sprayed. I am literally exhausted but all I could think about all day was sitting down and writing as I have had a great deal on my mind.

First, I want to tell you, I am still walking whenever it is possible and luckily for me the weather has been good enough if a bit cold... however; I find the minute I get walking, I warm up really quick and actually sweat easily... the cold air cools me down quickly. So, for the most part I am actually enjoying walking in the cold, other than a few patches of ice here and there, I have to be super careful.

I am also working on other aspects of my life, one of them is not numbing myself when the pain becomes unbearable, which is does on many occasions throughout the day. I am not sleeping many hours again which is driving me a bit crazy. I cannot think about going through another nine months of basically napping, however; I cannot numb myself just so I can sleep. I spent the better part of the last six to eight months doing whatever I could so that I did not have to feel; just so that I could sleep.

That didn't get me anywhere, I am still having to deal with the same issues... I just prolonged it by putting it away, thinking it would just go away eventually... of course it never just goes away, it is always there beneath the surface, begging to be dealt with. On Christmas day I had some shocking news that put me into a tail spin and I didn't talk about it with anyone. Then I reached out to a very good friend who I have come to know in Australia, we chat back and forth via Twitter almost daily. I talked about it and cried a lot... she helped me to see that things are not always what they seem.


The incident on Christmas day made me see that I could no longer keep on the way I was going, with numbing my feelings, I also numbed my desire to be better... So, that is when I made the decision to get back on track, start eating healthy, start exercising and really give myself a chance to make the changes I needed to make. Were any of them easy? No! Does it get easier with time? Not yet but I have hope that it will. Regardless of whether it gets easier, I am on this path for good now, no amount of numbing helped me, I think it's time to deal with it head on.

So, saying all this, I wanted to tell you about an 'aha' moment I had today. I was thinking about where I was in my life and where I might have been (I know, don't look back ... but I am one of those people who knows it helps me to see how far I have come)... I remember thinking a few years ago that my life was coming together and finally everything would be settled but that wasn't true... I now know this because I can see things that I was not able to see before... I might have a long and emotional road to travel and I might be alone doing it... however; I would not have been able to deal with the road I may have taken as it was just a road of promises without commitment... and that is just not me, I want the whole thing and nothing less will be good enough. I am not some women, I won't settle.

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