Gratitude For What I Have And What I Lost

Sometimes it seems like I never have enough time in the day, between working, walking and having a little down time... I have a desire to write but it always gets put on the back burner for other things. When I first started really writing in early 2012, I wrote nearly everyday and I did this for almost 2 years of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I did that but it was something I needed to do to heal my heart, that is what writing does for me.

I rarely go back and read those posts I wrote a few years ago because they were raw and bring back memories of a time I believed in dreams that never came to pass... I read a couple of them this week and although they were very sad at times I also saw that I have grown more than I ever thought I was capable of... There were days back then where I wondered how I would or could make it through. Days I was sure that my life would never get to a point where I could ever believe in anything again. 

I had a couple of defining moments, one was when I finally decided I was tired of the excuses as to why I could not lose weight ... for the first time in my life I shelved every single one of them and put my whole heart and soul into me... I believed in myself, I saw my successes and each day I begin to know more and more that I could and would succeed. The second was losing 'him', I cannot even convey the pain I dealt with... words could not describe it... although I still miss 'him' I gained closure that I was unsure I would ever find.

I even think one day I will know why I had to go through that loss, there has to be a bigger reason, I will get the a ha moment out of the blue and smile to myself and think... that was why. Until then I rarely let myself think about 'him' or the past ... he pops in and out of my mind but I don't let 'him' reside there for too long. Usually I get up and go out for a long walk... it clears my mind and I gain focus again. One thing I learned is that although you can have a best friend as we were, you can only rely on yourself, people change. 

This is a difficult weekend for me as it is the anniversary of the fire where I was burned so badly at 15 months old and where my sister died... that catastrophic event changed my families life and challenged us all. Even though we lost so much that day, I still work on finding gratitude for what I have and what I lost... I survived and I thrived... 

Yesterday I went for a long walk, part of me was trying to convince myself that first I could skip a day and then second I only needed to do a couple of miles but I didn't listen to that part, I walked for almost 6 miles and I felt gratitude that I didn't give up, I pushed myself even though part of me didn't believe I could... It was an accomplishment that showed me, each day I wake up and make a choice to be better than I was the day before, I fought against all the odds and became a strong person who refuses to give up.

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Goodbye To You‏

This letter is a very long time in the making... I didn't even realize I was going to write it until I opened this up to write. I had actually written the better part of a blog post but took a break, when I came back this was inspired instead.

Last week I found out through a mutual friend that 'he' was going in for major surgery. Our friend was shocked that I didn't know; how would I know? I don't talk to 'him'. I immediately prayed for him and asked others to do the same.

I then found out he was okay a couple of days later... I was so thankful, I wish I had the words to express how much but honestly I don't have them. I have had a few days to think about it and then I messaged our friend and I told him I no longer want to hear how 'he' is.... I would prefer not to know, he understood and agreed.

Over the last couple of days I have gone through a wide range of emotions... from being elated that he seems to be on the mend to being saddened that for how close we were for the last few years, I had to hear this through a friend.

Although I have moved on and made my peace with the whole mess that it turned into. It hurt that words were taken out of context and misunderstood and instead of talking about it one on one, I just received written words that never gave me the opportunity to respond.

He was my best friend and I will miss that friendship, I know I will love again but will I ever find a best friend again? That is what made losing him out of my life so emotionally hard... how very close we were and how we told each other everything and anything.

In this past week that I came to terms with the fact that 'he' and I will not be friends again. I needed to say goodbye, I wanted to send it to 'him' but I figured he wouldn't read it anyway. So I wrote it here to make it real, if I write it where others can see, it becomes more real to me.

I hope that he's happy, I most certainly wish this for 'him'... wherever he goes in his life...

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There's Not One Right Decision

I am on vacation for the next five days, I have packed a lot into those days... today was super busy with one errand after another. I did everything I had planned and tomorrow Valentina and I are going to get our hair done, she is getting peek a boo colors in the back. We are having a mommy daughter day and going to have make overs together. I am looking forward to that time with her, then I have to settle into studying. I am feeling ready though, once I made a decision, I relaxed.

Isn't that always the way it is, at least it is with me. I spend so much time weighing my options and wondering if I am making the 'right' decision... then once I do, I relax because the truth is, even if it isn't the 'right' decision, I can always change direction. I need to remember that more often... I am just wasting time with trying to make the 'right' decision. I usually take the right path, I may take the round about way but I always get there.

Sometimes I think I write about the same thing that I wrote about six months or a year ago. I go back and do a search and I find I have but once I read it I realize I have a whole different take on it now then I did at that time. Which reinforces to me the importance for me to continue to write down my challenges, failures and successes so that each time I may deal with that trial on a different level. I will be able to see just how far I have come.

For me if I don't write it down, in a year or so when I come up against a similar trial, I wouldn't be able to clearly recall how I dealt with it and how I overcame it. Before computers became the norm, I rarely wrote stories on paper because I could never keep up with my thoughts. I don't always keep up with them on the computer but at least I can type my words instead of writing ineligible sentences.

I am grateful for lessons, none of them being easy... some of them being so downright painful I wondered how I made it through them. I realized for me it was being able to write my stories out so that it gave me chance to see the solution. Often times it is the comments or messages that I have from you that have given me the answer... other times I will be reading a blog post that someone has written, it touches and inspires me.

I have something I need to say, this past year has been the most tumultuous year of my life. I had life changes that threw me for a loop where I wondered if I would ever recover from the feelings of sadness and despair. I honestly attest this blog and my readers really helped me to get through. I may have lost one of the most important persons ('him') from my life but I gained all of you who are there for me. I felt so lost and alone but when I wrote I had so many of you reaching out and offering friendship, thank you.

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A Time To Reflect

I held off writing this post because I feel like I had disappointed everyone. When I wrote my last post, I had already met 'S' and we seemed to have connected on many levels.  We talked at great length and laughed a lot, we were messaging each other all day throughout the day and making plans to see each other more.  Suddenly it ended as quickly as it started and although I was disappointed, I am still in a good place with myself.  I did take myself off the dating site for a while, I have issues when someone cannot say they are just not that into me.

I would respect someone more if they could be totally honest with me, especially since we had talked about it at great length before we even met.  I know when I met someone that I wasn't interested in, I nicely told him and didn't leave him hanging. Not everyone is capable of saying the truth for fear of not being able to handle the reaction.  Well, too bad...personally suck it up and be an adult, say the truth.

This past week gave me a little time to reflect and made me think about 'him' a bit, although 'he' did explain back in early 2012 that he realized he still had feelings for his ex, he did wait until he was home, many provinces away.  Also, he had no issue being with me the whole time he was home for the holidays in 2011, it made me wonder when he had actually come to the conclusion that he still had feelings for her...

Then it made me think about last summer when he and I were talking everyday and he was saying a lot of things he shouldn't have said because although I knew in my head that we were just friends, as I wrote about that often.  My heart wasn't quite as smart and I still had feelings... of course I never hid those either, anyone who was not aware was blind, deaf or dumb... none of which I thought he was... I think the thing that really upset me and had me turning around in circles was the about face in the matter of two days near the end of September last year.

Everything was normal on a Friday, we were laughing, teasing each other, joking and texting goodnight with xoxo like we did every night for the past couple of years.  Then out of the blue I was told something I wasn't aware of, I asked him to tell me more about it, I mean... we were 'friends', that is what 'friends' do, share their lives.  I was told that he would tell me later and to remember I was special to him and always would be...

That wasn't the truth, when it all finally came out two days later... I was the one left spinning, not understanding anything ... I was in shock and I have been for nearly nine months.  The whole thing blew me away because he told me how important honesty was to him and I reiterated the fact that it was extremely important to me too.  I was and always will be honest with the people in my life... he cannot say the same thing.

Instead of being honest, he stated he was unaware that I had been writing about him.  I want to laugh right here and now about that, he had liked my Facebook page, he had me listed as family and that meant he was getting all my updates and knew very well that I was writing about him.  Not to mention that I had actually sent many of the links to him, encouraging him to read them.  I also have a conversation where I had asked him if it was okay for me to write about him and he told me it was fine. 

This shook me to the core because I believed with my whole heart that even though we were only going to be friends, we would always be honest and open with each other.  After reflecting on my last dating incident, this all came to my mind and I realized that although he stated he wanted honesty... he only wanted what he could handle... That is very sad, as true friends are hard to come by... I have forgiven him, I refuse to hold a grudge against anyone, life is way too short.

I wanted to tell you all that I do believe that eventually I will find love, it just has to happen because I have so many people throughout this world that are hoping, praying and sending out beautiful happy vibes for me... it cannot be denied to me, I totally believe that the universe gives back what you give out.  So in essence this last dating episode with 'S' was actually good for me in the long run, it gave me time to really think... it gave me time to reflect.

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We All Need A Little Help Sometimes

I wanted to take a moment to catch you up on the contest at work, I lost by a half a percentage point, I really won though because I lost another 18 pounds in ten weeks and I am pleased with where my weight is at, of course I want to lose another 10-15 pounds but I am going to take my time and not push myself so hard... no more contests for me as there really is no need... they served their purpose.

I don't have writers block because I can write everywhere else, as a matter of fact I wrote three times in my other blog this week as well I have written in my gratitude journal for 50+ days.  I think today was one of the hardest days, I sat and looked at the screen for a lot longer than normal.  It wasn't because I am not grateful... it's that I want the entries to have meaning.. not just writing to write something.  Today I took a little longer but I finally came up with something meaningful... thankfully I am already for tomorrows post.

Now back to the issue at hand, writing here has not been an easy thing lately, it's because the other two places I am writing, no one can read them and here it is opened to everyone.  Which stops me from being totally open sometimes, I remember when I started writing my blog the summer of 2009, it was a little over a year after my ex husband Andrey had raped me.  He had emotional issues where he was very unstable and finally he was put in jail for a time. Once he was put a way for year, I needed this place to write things down, to give myself a voice.

I then entered down a path for a couple of years that I don't even recognize myself from then but through it all I wrote, it was what I needed to do to finally get passed what that night had done to me or taken away from me.  Yet I don't know that I actually got passed it but that I came to realize that I did not do anything to deserve what Andrey had done to me, no woman does.   I have since forgiven him, I had to if I ever wanted to move on... otherwise I would have been in that loop still.. the one that I was in for two years where I was not myself, I was in survival mode.

Then he (My One And Only) came back into my life that summer and we had the whirlwind romance... the one that takes your breath away where you feel so incredibly happy.  However; in the end he didn't feel the same way and I was left with writing... which I did a lot of, I wrote everything about how I felt, what I was going through and about him.  Of course I wrote about him, he was my best friend... he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life.

Now I am facing an even more difficult time and I have been dealing with this alone.  Although I can be up and down on any given day... I usually find the good in even a challenging day. These days seem to have more trials and more close together.. I always look for the good, because what you look for you usually find.. however; lately finding the good is not always easy.  It is why I started my gratitude journal, it makes me sit and reflect if only for a few minutes about the good in my day. 

I know deep in my heart that there is more to life than just getting by, just surviving.. it's what I long for... I long for a little joy to make the challenges all worth it.  I know people are going to say stay strong, look how much you have come through, look how much you have changed your life.  It's not that I don't think any of this is not true, I am strong, I have come through a great deal and I have changed my life for the better.  I also know that challenges never really stop, they are always there in some form and I don't expect to be exempt from them.

However; could I have a small break once and a while?  Would this be asking to much?  I don't think so... I also want to say something to the well meaning people I know in my life, the ones who really know me... please don't tell me about someone worse off than me and how lucky I am... do you not think that I know this?  The feeling I have isn't something I want to feel, it is just there, it has been compounded with endless broken sleep for over six months, it is the loss of my best friend and it is coming to terms with being where I am and where my future is headed.

Saying all this, I have come to understand that I am not going to get through this latest challenge by myself, I am going to need to talk this over with someone,  since I have never really dealt with anything like this loss and doing it without sleep.  I am sure everything would look different if I could just get some sleep, it seems to magnify the emotions and issues.

I will be seeking out and asking for any and all help ... I can honestly say there are days were I feel very lost and very alone and it takes everything I can do to just get up and start the day.  I do it though because I have to but that is not a way to live forever, it's good that I can push through and still work ... but where is the joy in that?  I want more than that, I need more than that.

I know many of you have been aware and have messaged me privately ... I really appreciate every sweet comment written to me... as well since I have my comments on  moderation, there are many more that are really personal that I don't  publish.  I think many people feel the way I do and they don't reach out, they don't ask for help... I didn't want to.. I wanted to be strong enough to deal with this myself but we all need a little help sometimes.

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Setting The Record Straight

 

It's time for me to set the record straight once and for all... after this I won't discuss it again.  For reasons I won't go into he and I are no longer in contact, we
haven't been for quite sometime... Do I miss him? Yes... regardless if we were to never speak again, I will always consider him to be my best friend.

Next question that needs answering .... Do I want him back other than being friends? That would be no and it has been for a long time... as you all know I have dated, I will continue to date... I am looking for that kind, exciting, honest and sweet guy that will love me too.

Third, I can't believe this needs answering again as I blogged about it in the summer...  Did I lose the weight for him?  Let me make myself completely clear... I cannot lose weight for anyone but me, truthfully if I had tried to lose this weight for anyone but me, I would have failed...

I am not living in some fantasy world that he and I will ever be anything but friends, (if that).  I came up with new dreams since I needed to dream bigger... I thought it was wonderful that I was with him, now I want someone who feels that lucky to be with me.  Do I believe I deserve dreams... YES... I deserve to have all the dreams I have to come true... I will never stop dreaming, there are no limits. 

Final thought... Do I have good thoughts and memories of him?  Yes, I have good thoughts, I wish him only the best... I could never wish him less.  I want him to be happy, he seemed to be when I talked to him last. I'm happy about that.

These are my last words on this matter... whether or not people can see, I've moved onto another path (that is their issue, not mine), ... I'm looking forward to where it leads.. I know I deserve happiness....

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I Won The Contest And I Won My Life Back Too

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

The contest may be over but I am still on the journey of becoming the healthiest me that I can be ...  even if I hadn't won the money portion, I still won by getting my life back, however; as Cindy says.. was there ever any doubt that I would win? ... no.  I am extremely competitive and once I caught the vision of exercise and how very fun it was I have been hooked.  In the past 11 weeks I have walked over 230 miles, that is an average of 20+ miles per week.

I lost an additional 3.8 pounds on my eleventh week, which ended up being a total of 37.2 pounds.  I was shocked  but thrilled that every week I lost weight... I know the time will come that I will plateau and maybe even gain a pound here and there... I will just power through until my body understands this is a lifestyle change and not about dieting.

So, this week was crazy busy leading up the final weigh in, which is good in a way, most weeks are not going to be smooth sailing with eating healthy and exercising whenever I feel like it.  There are going to be challenges that get in the way.  Here is my week, Monday I got up and walked about two and half miles, then I took Valentina to get her ears pierced in the evening(no go though, they wanted her health card)... we went home, talked to my sister who was in town visiting.  Tuesday morning I walked about two and a half miles in the morning and then in the evening I spent that with my physiotherapist and then my sister showed up and we talked until quite late. Wednesday I walked another two and a half miles, then Wednesday evening was all about having a family dinner, there were nine of us and we had a good time. Thursday I walked about two miles and then saw my physiotherapist again.

I was completely exhausted by this point and I knew I was taking a break from walking on Friday, I left for work early and in a pretty good mood as I felt confident that I had worked hard enough to win and I was thrilled that I was still in the zone of wanting to stay healthy and keep on this path.  I have goals such as the 5k I am running/walking on October 6th... plus I really want to take up Zumba and maybe Latin dancing this winter.  Anyhow, I looked down at my phone and there was a message from my David... it was 6:30 am my time and 3:30 am his time, I opened the message and instantly my mood changed... he wanted me to know he had been admitted to the hospital, due to complications with his stomach.  The air was knocked out of me, I started to panic and all I wanted in that moment was to be able to go to him but it wasn't possible, he is thousands of miles away.

I sat on the bus crying with worry, praying constantly for David... he's my best friend, he is the man that I love and I couldn't be there for him.  I somehow made it to work but the whole day was a massive blur, I took calls, answered questions on auto pilot, made my way home... I had won the contest and it felt good but all that mattered was finding out if my D was alright... Finally later in the evening I got a quick message that they would be keeping him in for one more day and that there would be no emergency surgery.  He's not out of the woods yet, he may still need surgery in the near future... but at least for now he isn't in imminent danger.  I am very relieved about this but also sad that I am this far away from him... I can only imagine how his daughter is feeling, she must be so worried...

The good thing about all this is that when I nearly fell apart about David, I didn't think what can I eat, I just let myself feel and I cried when the emotion came up.  It was okay for me to be sad and worried, I had no way of knowing how he was... I had to wait to hear from him... I didn't use the crazy busy week I had as an excuse not to eat healthy good food an even though I was challenged to exercise as much as I like, I still exercised as much as I could.  That proves to me that I am not just on this weight loss kick for a contest, I am on this weight loss kick for the long haul, I am getting my life back day by day.

We can all do this, we just have to decide it and not give up when challenges are thrown our way, just power through. I actually won my life back this past eleven weeks...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

Change Can Be Made In Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have had a couple of days where I have not been able to get out and really exercise like I want to.... It all started on Thursday morning when I jumped out of bed and rushed around getting prepared for work, I had so many things that had to be done.  One of them being going to the bank to be able to have the money to pay my sitter, it was pay day....  normally when I wake up, I lay in bed for 10-15 minutes just thinking, stretching and relaxing... then I start my day.  Anyhow, I left for my walk that I take in the morning and almost immediately I could feel that I was slower and my legs were not feeling themselves.  I decided to take it easy and only walked for 30 minutes and then bused it the rest of the way. 

By late afternoon I was feeling better and really put some effort into walking the near mile to the bus stop from my work, it felt good and I didn't think much more of my sore, tired legs from the morning... Until I got to the physiotherapist appointment about my knees.  She could tell almost immediately that my hamstrings were extremely tight and she massaged them out and made me promise to take it easy one day per week, maybe even two, so that I would give my legs a break.  Dutifully on Friday morning I took the bus to work but that was fine, it was weigh in day and I like to relax before I get weighed in.  I hopped on the scale and when I looked down, I was so shocked, yet very happy to see that I had taken another 3.6 pounds off, I am now at the 31.8 mark, all within 9 weeks.

I did walk some very short walks that day, totaling a little over two and half miles but nothing long... today I thought I might take a good long walk tonight but after a short walk to a couple of stores and after being in the grocery store, I knew I would have to give my legs another days break, otherwise I could injure them and than I could be out of commission a lot longer than a couple of days. I have to say, they are feeling so much better tonight, less stiff and rejuvenated. I will be back at it tomorrow, however; I don't plan to push myself as hard as I have in the recent past until I see that my legs are capable of handling the pressure.

I am really grateful for my legs, especially since I have had so many issues with them in the past ten months, starting with the weakness in my legs from the cholesterol pills I used to take to the injury I caused them by continuing to force myself to walk on them even though I barely had any strength in them... Then I ended up having surgery for the skin graft that needed to be fixed and I was unable to walk for almost eight weeks... All of these incidents remind me regularly how blessed I am that I have legs that I can walk with, so I am giving them a break and treating them with the care they need as I want to be able to walk for a very long time.

I am still dedicated to losing the weight and I am loving how great I feel... I don't even think I can begin to explain how wonderful I feel on the inside... I feel committed, strong, pleased and dedicated.... for once I am actually thinking of myself in a good way... I would definitely say that I thought about myself too much in the past but not in a good way.  I was always trying to find a way to cover one pain or another with methods that were never any good for me.   I thought each method was at least better than the pain... however; since I have been living my life without those so called pain eliminators... I have come to understand that the very things I did to cover the pain, only caused more pain.

I have been in a dark and sad place ever since my relationship with David didn't work out the way that it should have... the way it was meant to... I didn't want to deal with that pain... so I did everything not to feel it... In the last nine weeks I have had to feel it all, process it all.  I still cry sometimes because I know that without a doubt we were meant to be together, we were good together, we respected each other and there is real love between us.  However; David isn't in that place, he's in the place that is still dealing with his ex and all that she did to him and continues to do to him... He's not ready to move on from her completely and until he does, he will never be ready to have a real relationship with anyone.

I added this quote above in because at one time I thought David was near perfect, I came to realize that he wasn't and he never was... but I only loved him more once I knew

He told me that I gave people permission to treat me the way they did and that it was up to me to change that.... he does the same thing... the difference is that I have changed that and I expect to be treated better now and in the future.  He is my best friend, no matter what happens in the future and I think that it is a testament to the love we have for each other that we have been able to remain good, strong friends.  In the beginning of our relationship I was so sure that I was lucky to be with David, down the road... I changed that and I thought we were lucky to be with each other.... lately I think... David was lucky to have me...

I don't say that like I think I am the most wonderful person ever... however; no one will love David, not judge him, want the best for him and care about him as much as I do... I love him in a way that cannot just go away because I want it to... I will be there for him for the rest of my life, he is one of the first thoughts I have in the morning and he is one of the last thoughts I have at night... I am definitely going to Alberta in April... unless he changes his mind and comes home for Christmas.  I need to see him face to face.... maybe then change can be made....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Endeavor To Succeed

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been missing writing so much but it has been good for me to take the break, first thing... I got my house pretty well tidied up.  My babysitter, Valentina and I took everything of Valentina's out of the rest of the rooms and put it all in her room. Then her father came over on Saturday and they cleaned her room together.  It looks so much more liveable... however; I have to be on her every single day that she needs to take some time before she goes to bed and just straighten up a bit.  Eventually she will get the hang of it, I hope... otherwise I will have no voice from repeating myself over and over.  I need to keep it semi organized so that I will have people come help me pack once I find a new place to live.  It doesn't look like I will have anywhere to move in September... looking for October now.

That is okay with me as I am so busy with walking/biking/jogging until the end of this month. Did I just say until the end of the month... I am going to be continuing it long after the end of this month but I will allow more time at the end of this month for apartment hunting.  I want to win this contest and I have to give my all to it, that means exercising as much as I possibly can without causing any injuries. Believe me, if I feel like I have overdone it, I take a break and allow my legs to rest.  Today was one of those days, it is a civic holiday in Halifax, I slept in and allowed my legs to get as much rest as I could... then a friend of mine called me to see if I wanted to walk the annual bridge walk.  Once she asked I jumped at the chance.

I met up with her by her house and we walked downtown together and across the bridge.  I took a quick break to get some water and then we headed back over the bridge again.  Our bridge is not a straight one, it is one that ships are able to go under, as our harbor is a very busy one.  Lots of people were walking and running over the bridge, I felt great because of the rest I took for my legs and I passed many people who were walking, I wanted to really give myself a good workout today as it is day one for me to start training for my 5K.  I didn't run today as I am going to find a flat area to run on, which I think will be the Halifax Commons until I feel more comfortable with running.

I am working myself up to being able to walk/run the 5K in October, I want to have a pretty decent time... I will be timing myself over the next 8 weeks.  I know that once I actually do the run, I will be competitive, I am so tenacious that way.  I will run... that is why I want to really put a lot into this training. I already know I can walk a 5K as I have done this regularly... however; I want to be able to run some of it... So that definitely means really training.

Next I was able to talk with my David last week, we talked for nearly an hour and a half... it was good, really good.  I told him how I felt we had been drifting apart as friends the past six weeks or so and he agreed, I also told him I knew why... I knew he was seeing someone and that it was hard for him to talk with me without letting something slip and hurting me in the process... so it was easier for him not to talk to me.  He said yes, he felt like he had to be on guard... I told him that I wanted to be a big girl about this and that if he wanted to talk about her that I was going to deal with it... He didn't go into any detail but he admitted that it would be easier for us.  I also admitted that I still have feelings for him... as if he didn't already know that but that I understood he didn't have those feelings.

He won't be home for Christmas as he had planned, so I told him I will be visiting him in March or April... probably more like April.  He laughed and said there was nothing in Wainwright... I told him I wasn't going to see Wainwright, I was going to see him.  I told him when I had my tickets I would let him know and he agreed to pick me up in Edmonton... it is two and half hours each way to pick me up but he agreed that he would do this.  I need to see him, even if we are only friends... I need to be able to sit uninterrupted and talk... the way we did when he was home.  We literally sat for hours in the evening just talking about everything and anything.  Conversation with us never lacked... nothing lacked with us, everything was simple... nothing was complicated.

I am happy we talked, I needed to be able to tell him how important he was to me, even though I am sure he is well aware of it... although being friends is very difficult at times, I could never imagine it otherwise.  I have often thought over the past year and a half or so that I should end our friendship but deep down I know that would break my heart even more.  He is the one person I can tell anything to, he never judges me, he really listens.  I would do the same for him... so if it means being a big girl and hearing about whoever he might be dating at the time, I will handle that... he is my best friend and I honestly don't want to lose him.

I have missed all my blogs that I follow, I will be catching up slowly with all you... I will read them all but I may not comment on all of them.  I still have this contest to win, which by the way, I have now lost 26.2 pounds in 7 weeks, just 4 more weeks to the end of the contest.  I am really working hard, I am feeling stronger each day and I know that with each day that passes, I am going to succeed fully in whatever endeavors I put my efforts into...  This past 7 weeks has shown me that I am so much stronger than I thought I was and this past week has proven it even more. 

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Any Future Man Should Consider Himself Lucky

I felt so much better after I wrote my blog post last night about, I Am Me... I Am Not You...  It actually freed me, I just sat there and wrote from my heart and it was easy.  Sometimes I sit here and I write, read it, delete it and start all over again... not last night, the only thing I had to do was proof read it and find quotes.  It just flowed out of me in a way I haven't seen in a while.

Maybe it's because I am so passionate about my David...  whatever the reason... I am grateful that I wrote it down... Mostly I am thankful for the comments that were left on my blog... telling me it was no one's business but mine, you all cared about me and didn't want to see me hurt... I loved all the comments I got.. I know it's not always easy to find time to comment... I feel thankful when the effort is made.

I know my family loves me... they want me to be happy but honestly only I know what will bring me peace an happiness... I have to make my own decisions and mistakes, if I fall, I have to get back up.  Being friends with David is an uncharted course for me... I was very unsure if we could make it happen.  It has been an emotional roller coaster that I was unsure if it would end up making us stronger or break us completely.

 Lately I am seeing it as making us stronger, which brings me joy.  I think if my David and I had dated when we were younger and it didn't work out, we probably would not have stayed friends... I think I needed the maturing that comes with age... at least for me... for me to see the full picture and not the tiny picture that keeps on trying to enter doubt into my mind.  I wanted to clarify something I wrote last night at the end of my post about not wanting to date again... what I really meant is that I don't want to date right now... I have no idea how I will feel in a year or two.

I do know this, any man that wants to be with me will have to put out massive effort to prove he is worth the chance I might take.  I am going to keep the attitude that I had before David and I reconnected... I was seeing a guy for a over a year and one night he told me I was a lucky girl... I said... really?  why would that be... ?  He was younger than me, quite nice looking and in fantastic shape... he pointed out the fact that it was because he was young and nice looking...

I laughed and then I said... oh really?  What does that make you?....   He looked at me, saw I was serious and  took a moment to answer me... The answer he gave back was... I'm a lucky boy... I smiled and said, you're right, you are a lucky boy and don't you ever forget it... he never forgot it... he often mentioned how he was a lucky boy to be seeing me... He ended up moving off to Toronto and I couldn't be happier for him... I guarantee that when he becomes involved with another woman... he will consider himself lucky, blessed and thankful to have her.

That is my attitude for the future... if I am to ever fall in love again... the man should consider himself lucky.  I may not be your drop dead gorgeous woman but I am loyal, kind, loving, sincere and attentive.  In return for knowing that they are lucky, I would make them feel incredibly special.  No one will ever be able to take that from me again... I know my worth now and I won't except less ...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Me... I Am Not You...

I just had to sit down and write this immediately, I rarely write one post after another and if I do... I usually post it the next day.  I wanted to write this now and post it right away.. I know that I talk about my David... a lot... he is my best friend.  I need to give a little background to my family dynamics for any of you to understand what I am about to say.  My mother loved my father and only him all of her life pretty well, from the time she was 24 years old, even though my father did not treat my mother good... (he cheated on her) she still loved him and gave him many second/third and forth chances...

It never worked out for them, which I find truly sad for my mother.  I was on this same path many years ago when I fell in love with Tony... it took me 23 years to get him out of my heart, he is not there anymore... if he were to message me, call me... contact me in anyway... I would politely tell him to get over it.  I have NO desire to be with him, nor do I want to be friends with him.. He was a cheater and not only did he cheat on me, he cheated with me after we separated.  I was only able to end it when he was so callous with me about Andrey raping me. I at least ended that relationship completely.

Both of my sisters had loves that they could not forget from their teenage years, Shelly moved on quicker than Lisa but both have have moved on... not to mention my grandmother who divorced my grandfather when my dad was quite young, yet she held a torch for my grandfather until the day she died... never really loving another man.

There's the background... both of my sisters have been after me to get David out of my life... here is my answer to both of them and anyone else who cares to hear it... I did not fall in love with David when we were teenagers... I liked him, I thought he was sweet... I never forgot him because he was one of the kindest boys I have ever met in my life.  We never dated, we didn't even kiss until December 14, 2011... I fell in love with him when he was man.. at the age of 47... not before, I didn't truly even know him before then... besides, he was in a relationship and I never thought or dreamt that there would be anything between us.  See my post, My One And Only.

I did not hold a torch for him over the years, I did not dream about us being together... it was not on my radar... He flirted with me for months and I never caught on... because I never in my life even thought it was a possibility... we were friends... that was it.. My relationship with David is not what my grandmother, mother or sisters had... I had that with Tony.. that's gone.

David is kind, sweet, respectful, loving... he is my best friend.  Sure I get upset that he and I did not make it romantically... we went too fast after he had separated with his nasty ex.  I cannot divulge all the horrible things that she did to him, suffice to say she is one lucky woman that I am a Christian, otherwise I would literally punch her in the face.  However; I am a Christian and I am a woman... so I don't.

Do I think David is perfect?  NO... not a all, yes I had him on a pedestal when we were first together... that was wrong of me... he never asked to be put there, he is just a man, a good man... a good father... he tries to be the best and most honest person he can be... There is nothing wrong with that... I don't want people thinking poorly of him because of me... he did not set out to hurt me, he loves me... he was sad that he hurt me, it broke his heart.

My David has not lied to me, he always tells me the truth... he cares very much about me, he knows I love him... he wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy... even if it is not with me.  Yes that would be hard for me but I love David, truly love him and I want nothing but happiness for him... that is what true love is about for me... I thought very long and hard about ending it with us as I wrote about this the other night, I even had a letter written and a blog post... when it came down to it, I knew I couldn't do it, cutting him out would have done nothing but broken my heart for good.

I am not holding a torch for David and waiting around for him to come to his senses... I am not living in a dream world or LuLu land as people refer to me.  I am living in the here and now, my David is moving on but he is not moving away from being my best friend.  He knows that I love him... it's not a big secret, he reads my blog, it is all over my blog.  Someone would have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to know, he is none of these.

I am sorry, I just get so frustrated when people tear him apart... I know it comes from me being sad about us not being together...  I understand that part but when someone, anyone says to me... I have been holding on to him for close to 35 years... I am here to tell you, that's not true, I fell in love with him 2 years ago, when I got to know him more closely and realized he was just as kind, gentle and wonderful as I thought he was when he was 15.

My David is coming home for in December, I have no illusions about him and I... we are going to hang out, go for dinner, watch a movie... all the friend things... I won't lie, I wish madly that it was different but it's not and I have come to terms with that.  I am sure I will cry about this in the future, I would not be me if I didn't but each time, it gets a little easier... I don't date, nor do I want to date as I would only hurt someone else... no one deserves that... I am really fine with not dating.  I am much too busy with other activities in my life, I have no time, nor do I have the heart to put it out there again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Just Enough Light

Amber May Be inspired my latest post with this quote she had on her blog it is one of our most difficult challenges in life, to keep taking that step forward when we are unable to see the outcome and we just have to trust... trust that the little light we are given will show us the right path.

I am one of those people that keeps trying to see ahead of the light.. instead of just having faith that the light knows the path.  There in lies my issues with trust, it seems that until I begin to actually trust that I am on the right path, going in the right direction I will never travel without fear of the unknown.

Trusting is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life... it comes from not being able to feel safe.  From the time I was a child being raised by my insane ex step mother... I wondered if all people had to deal with this but found out that this wasn't normal.  I know that I have not been the best mommy (mama)  but I definitely try to build trust and happiness into my relationship with my children... I want them to feel safe.

Unfortunately because of my trust issues... I continued along in my life making poor choices that led me down paths that were incredibly challenging.  Ones I wondered if I would ever escape from... finally I reconnected with my David and I actually felt safe... I felt like I was home.. I felt like I could really trust someone.  Then everything fell apart with us too... we ended up being just 'friends'. 

When I read Amber's blog and saw this quote... I realized that I needed to trust in myself... trust that I am on the path I am meant to be on and that I will take baby steps to keep following the path.  Maybe it's because I am older and I understand that truthfully, we don't always know what is best for us... sometimes I just need to put my foot forward and believe that the light knows the path better than I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥