I spent most of this weekend just thinking about things, so many things my mind raced with images. I wondered how I ended up where I am now when I used to have so many wonderful things in my life. Yet I have done things that are not me because I have not been able to come to terms with what I had to deal with. Councilors act like it is normal to act out, I don't know how this can be good., I am usually busy all weekend, keeping is contact with all my friends but this weekend I just spent time with me and then a day with Valentina,. It has been a tough week for both her an me with my hurting my back and not being able to look after her.
I also found out how some people think about me when they don't know that I might find out. It is so nice to know that I can be disregarded so easily. Other friends have been there and never given up on me, I appreciate them all so much.
I am a kind, loving, intelligent and fun person, I am never going to let anyone make me believe less of myself. I try hard to always be good to people that come into my life and yet I have not had the same favor in return. I honestly believe it is because I care too much and give way too much of my heart out. I only do this because I have been in love one time in my life. I know how wonderful it is, I know the joy it can bring and bonding. I have longed for that since I lost that love. I thought the only way that I could get that back was to be with him but that was not to be, what I was meant to do was open my heart to another. I finally did but I think I did it too late. I could not believe someone so wonderful could care for me too. When I finally realized it, I think it was too late, which is sad to me.
So now I have to get myself together and go back to getting to know people again. I just want to be strong enough as rejection takes alot out of me, it is emotionally hard to offer my feelings to another person, to have them ignored or rejected. A heart can only handle so much but I definitely need to move on.
I am hoping that I can work back to where I was 2 years ago before all this happened, I wonder how my life would be different. If I could have one wish in my life it would be to erase that night, it is my fondest desires. I lost so much that night and I am finally working on getting some of that back.
I am really hoping there will be a resolution and that I will learn to live with that night and move on maybe even fall in love. It cannot be too late for me, I would be wonderful to the right man and treat him like a king. He would know that he was loved, he wouldn't have to wonder.
Well one thing at a time, I am not going to overwhelm myself, like I usually do. I am just going to work at a good pace. Everything will come together, I will be back to where I want to be in record time.