Turning The Light On My Pain

I read  a blog called scribbles from the ether that touched me today, Katie the author of the blog had left a sweet comment on mine, I always reciprocate and read the persons blog... and leave a comment thanking them.  I was drawn in immediately with her candid and open honesty... I connect well with people like that as I am the same way.  The last paragraph resonated with me, it gave me an answer to some issues I have been dealing with.  I have what she called an abusive relationship, hers is anorexia... how she used to feel it was her twin but how she now saw that no matter how much she might love her twin, she could see it as being much more abusive than helpful now that she is going through recovery.

She is right that the light or the good feelings that you get from the abusive relationship you are in (drinking, drugs, food... etc) end up being slivers compared to the pain and damage these relationships actually end up bringing.  I never really thought about it this way but her post clicked with me, I understood more that anything I do to myself to make me feel better and actually ends up hurting me more in the long run... needs to be eliminated from my life.  The small amount of good feelings that come from attempts at making myself happy through these things are just not worth it anymore. 
I know I am not writing it nearly as eloquently as she did, Katie was just being truthful about her addiction with anorexia and how she keeps herself from going back down that road daily... she remembers that although it felt good to have control, the side effects were not worth it ultimately. It doesn't start out that way, it starts out feeling good most of the time but than it slowly feels less and less good... That is the way it is with many addictions we hold onto in life, mine is overeating... or more precisely eating the wrong things...

I want to be on the healing side of that addiction, the first step is seeing that although the food I eat may be tasty and might bring me comfort at the time.... it ends up being a burden carrying the extra weight around, that doesn't feel good at all.  I have to have a relationship with food but I need to get into the healthy side of that one... I needed to read what she wrote because it turned a light on inside me that I am looking forward to keeping turned on more often today and in the future....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

New Memories In Time

I sat down and did a budget, if I'm strict I can afford a decent rent... now to find that place... I think I am going to move before the winter hits, I'd like to start the New Year in new surroundings.

See, once I make a decision I am driven.  I actually have a place in mind now... closer to the Canada Game Center, I have someone that can take care of Valentina.  I am getting so excited and so will Valentina if this place pans out.  Close to a bus depot, grocery store and many other great options.

As I write this I am feeling lighter and more free.  It amazes me why I hold on for so long when wonderful things always happen when I give in.  I'm going to be better than my landlord, I will clean this apartment perfectly... I believe you get back what you give out... karma.

Now that I have plans I am thinking about how I to finance the move... lots of expenses there, next pay day I am starting a savings plan and I will go into budget mode.  I'm looking forward to a fresh start, setting up a new place and starting new memories.

Maybe I can put some of my memories on the back burner with this move too....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Comfort Zone Is Going

I had a bit of a frustrating evening, I have been without a working stove for a little over two months... yes you read that correctly... there were a ton of issues as the old stove was hard wired and the landlord had to find an electrician to install a plug.  Long story short, it has finally been installed, so what was to be a great evening as I was planning on actually making a meal since I have been using a microwave/crock pot/electric frying pan will have to wait another night.

I am highly disappointed that it would take that great length of time to complete this job... I am positive if it had been his stove, it would have been replaced the next day.  Anyhow, I have been feeling like it is time for me to move within the next year... now I am going to... I cannot continue to live in an apartment where the landlord would leave me without a stove for that length of time, it was truly uncalled for. I am going to look for a three bedroom apartment located closer to Valentina's school, as my place of work is talking about being able to work from home.

I would LOVE that, I could walk Valentina to school before I started, than I could just have someone pick her up after school for about two hours.  We would end up having an extra three hours together each day, we could go out and do things as five pm isn't too late to go out with your child... seven pm is... So, I am taking this as a push to get me to the next place, since I will need a third bedroom to use as a dedicated office.  It will be nice to have one, where I can shut the door after work and separate those two parts of my life.

Once I have this ability to work from home, I am sure the quality of my life will go way up, that is an extra three hours per day, I can exercise, read, clean, cook... can you tell how elated I am with the thought of having this much extra time per day, an extra fifteen hours per week.  All I can say is bring on working from home, I hope they pilot that soon.  Until then I still want to move to something better, it means really following a strict budget, which I am not all that good at anymore but this might get me back into the habit.

I will be spending the next few months downsizing more, the less stuff the better, I cannot stand the clutter... it's my little Valentina that likes to hold on to objects.  I used to when I was younger but the older I got the less I am attached to my things... I really could care less, I have gratitude for the items I have but I am not emotionally attached to them.

I have known for sometime that I should move, I need a neighborhood that has children in it so that Valentina can go out and play.  She goes outside here but she really has no one to play with other that the girls on the next street and they are not out that often.  I should have been planning this move last year but I was comfortable, I didn't want to listen to the promptings, I need to start going with them and not ignoring them because I am comfortable.

I am going outside my comfort zone in a lot of ways... I don't mind saying that I am a little excited and a lot scared....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Stop Minimizing My Feelings

I went to bed early last night before nine pm... I've been more tired than usual.  I think that comes from having so many things weighing on my mind.  It will be good to get some closure on some of these decisions. I didn't sleep well, I think it's because I've finally made a decision and now I have to wait.  I almost believe the waiting is worse than the decision.  I just want to get it over with... have you ever felt like that?

It seems like every other blog that I read today was about my decision... most of them made me cry.  They reminded me of what I'm giving up and how much I want it to be different... this is why I wish I could do it right now... before I change my mind again. 

Why do some changes in our lives have to be so painful?  I know there isn't an answer for that... it's basically a rhetorical question.  I want to understand why I have to feel like I am losing a part of myself, so that I can learn whatever lesson it is that I need to learn?  I know that other people are going through far more difficult things than I am going through right now... I know many of these people.  Because of this, I want to try to minimize my trials but I realized that even if my trials are no where near as difficult as what other people have to deal with, they are for me. 

So I have the right to be upset, apprehensive, nervous... etc.  What someone else is going through might not even affect me, that is why I am going through this trial and other people have different trials. What I learned in the last couple of days is that I need to stop measuring my trials against others and stop belittling myself for my feelings, I have a right to those emotions as we all do... I need to stop minimizing feelings.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Easy And Uncomplicated?

I have been having vivid dreams lately, the kind that I wake up to and I can recall all the details... while I am dreaming it feels real.  Each time I wake up I am surprised that the dream isn't my reality.   Thankfully it is a nice dream, even so, I wake up from it only to find it is all just a dream...

I am sure it has to do with the trial/challenge that is on its way; I want to be past it, I want to be looking back at this time, breathing a sigh of relief.... Knowing I made it through... unfortunately I am not able to wish or dream this trial away.  I have to push forward and hope I come out stronger.

Part of me wants to go back to ignoring it but I know until I face this challenge, I will always be in this same place... and as lovely as this place can be, I know it will hold me back if I don't move on....  This quote is from one of my favorite movies, The Way We Were... Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated; the way it was when we were young. Katie said this to Hubble near the end of the movie, Hubble tells her it was never uncomplicated.

As much as I want what Katie desired, I know that Hubble was right when he said it is never uncomplicated.  We continue to have challenges throughout our lives, each one seems unbearable and yet we get through them.. That is what is holding me together right now, the hope that I will deal with this challenge and become stronger, even though I know it is one of the most difficult ones I will have to deal with.

Each one of us has different challenges, they are what we need to get through to become who we are meant to be.  I know they feel overwhelming, I am there with you all... As much as I want everything to be easy and uncomplicated, I know deep down that if life were that simple, I would be unhappy as there would be no growth.  I have the same question I am sure you all have too... Why do trials have to be so traumatic?  I don't know the answer... So I just keep working through them.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

On The Other Side Of The Horizon

I woke up early this morning, I am restless... I laid in bed for as long as I could trying to go back to sleep because it is Saturday after all.  Today is supposed to be a very rainy day in Halifax, at one point they were forecasting up to 50 millimeters of rain, it looks like it is down to about 20 millimeters now.... since it was going to rain so much, I was prepared, the dishwasher is loaded, ready to be turned on, I did the laundry last night and I went grocery shopping... All of these are the things I do on Saturday, I wanted to be able to get a great sleep, wake up late and laze in bed with a good book...

Instead, I woke up restless, my mind is racing.... I am on the horizon of change, in getting there, I feel like I am losing a part of myself.  That is what change is about, losing parts of yourself... only to gain better parts... I know deep in my heart that better things are on that horizon but it is very painful losing that part of me I don't want to let go.  Unfortunately when a part of me is more sad than happy I need to let it go.  I want to be strong enough but honestly I don't know if I am... some challenges are bigger than others, some take a very long time.

The challenge in those ones are not letting them wear down my tenacity in the process of getting through whatever it is that I am going through at any given time.  When I had to deal with Andrey raping me, I knew I would get through that, there would be a process of ups and downs but I felt as though I knew the steps to get through.  This time I don't know the steps, I am unsure of where I will end up... I guess that is why I tried to hold on to that part of me for so long.

I am not sure if I will feel like writing, then again I think I may feel like writing more... I really don't know how it will affect me all in the long run... I am hoping it will be the latter and that I will write, which I think will be therapeutic for me, I feel like I have come so far.  I guess that is why we are given those trials, to show us that we have what it takes.  I have to believe in myself even though I don't see the steps or the way through to the end... that's the daunting task in front of me.

I am hoping when I get to the other side of the horizon that I will be able to see that letting go was my only choice.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Sweet Kisses

Our first kiss, what can I say
Butterflies and tummy flip flops
Plus a long sigh
Then the giggle when we realized how amazing it was

The second kiss in my hallway...
Where we just leaned into each other
Laying my head on your chest afterwards
Listening to your heart beat, not wanting to move

The third kiss in my room
I was drifting off to sleep
You came in, kissed me softly until I sighed
Falling asleep with that lovely moment

The forth kiss, the night before you left
Holding you close... not wanting to let you go
Feeling like I was losing a part of me
This was to be our last kiss

There were many more kisses in between...
Each one special on their own
All imprinted in my memory
Never to be forgotten, the first, the last and the in betweens


I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Handling Curve Balls

I stumbled upon a new blog, I try hard  not to add new blogs since I am following so many but I can't help myself sometimes... If someone can draw me into their world within the first paragraph I am usually hooked... add another blog to my list.... This one is so inspiring and full of uplifting thoughts, I am excited to see each new blog post in the future.  It is simply called Christine Hassler  the post today titled Are you WAY to serious?

If you have a chance pop on over and read it, she had a few bad incidents after another over a few days and how she ended up reacting to them.  It reminded me of a time in March of 2008, one morning I woke up and decided to do my laundry... my wash machine had died, I stayed calm and ordered another one, I went off to work and ended up being taken into the office and told that I would be suspended for two days... mind you, they never explained why... I chose to take vacation pay for the whole week and I started looking for a new job, within five months I landed my job where I am now. Third I arrived home late to receive a call from my land lady that she wasn't going to renew my lease, I asked her if there was anything else, I thanked her for calling me and I went about finding a new apartment within three months, where I currently live.

I don't remember the actual day in March of 2008 but I can tell you this, it is a day I will never forget, it is a day where I handled one catastrophe after another and not one single one of them fazed me in the least.  It was because I figured that two of the three incidents happened for a reason and that if I went with it instead of against it, I would see big changes.  I say this because, I had been talking about moving for six months prior to this and talking about getting a new job because I knew where I was working that they were going to lose the project due to the horrible management.  Even though I had talked at length about making these changes, I did nothing until that day. That day was an answer to pushing me in the right direction, I felt like it ended up being one of the best days I have had.  I handled one thing after another and even smiled...

I especially smiled when I was being suspended without any reason explained... I smiled at my boss, asked her if there was anything else and then I thanked her, smiled and left the office.  You should have seen the look on their faces, they had no idea what to make of me, I didn't care, I know that I am an extremely hard worker who puts a lot of myself into my job... especially when I feel appreciated for my efforts. The previous company just didn't appreciate me, that is their loss... Now I am with a wonderful company that rewards the effort you put into your job.

What I learned from that day was that sometimes life throws you every curve ball in the book ... it is like bam, bam, bam... one right after another.  How we choose to react most of the time will impact how we deal with that challenge.  It's not always easy to just say, oh well... I will just move or I will just get a new job... but sometimes we are given those trials to get us to get up off our butts and make some changes.

I remember Oprah talking about how we get a whisper of what we need to do, then we get a shout, then we get a brick.... if we don't get it before this, the whole wall tumbles on us.  This is so true, I wish I wasn't so resistant to change all the time, I have proven time and again that when I flow with change, it ends up being amazing.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Happy 50th Birthday To My David‏

Fifty years ago today my David was born at the Grace Maternity hospital in Halifax, Nova Scotia...  I was born in the same hospital two months later.  I didn't get to meet him until we were fifteen years old in grade ten Biology. 

My David was sitting behind me and he said something to me, I turned around and came face to face with the cutest smile and brightest blue eyes I have ever seen.  I was instantly smitten with him.  I wrote about our story here My One And Only.

I never forgot that sweet boy even when I had no contact with him for over twenty three years and that was only fleeting.  My David made that deep and strong of an impression on me, I even talked about him to people over the years.... he was always a very special memory of mine.

He's away on an exercise for work so I can't talk to him today.  I wanted to write a post just for him for his special day.  He and anyone who reads my blog knows how very important he is to me, how blessed I feel that he has been in my life.

He is the love of my life and honestly although I may love again in the future... I will never love anyone as deeply as I love my David.  My birthday wish for him is that both his children are safe and happy... I hope he has joy in his life.

Happy Birthday to one of the sweetest men I have ever known... my David will always be that cute fifteen year old boy I met in Biology class thirty five years ago... he grew into the man I fell in love with a year and a half ago...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Having Gratitude That I Know My Worth

I didn't sleep long last night but I slept well... I even woke up five minutes before the alarm went off, so I felt rested.  Waking up on my own is so much better than having the alarm jar me awake. My whole day starts off on a much better foot when I wake up refreshed and on my own.

My mind is with the families of Oklahoma... the devastation that a tornado can cause in such a very short time is very scary.  I feel for each of these people having to deal with such overwhelming tragedy.  I have dealt with some nasty weather... hurricane Juan in 2003 and white Juan in 2004... neither one of them are anywhere close to what Oklahoma is dealing with and both of those storms stopped our city for days.

I feel blessed to be living in a part of the country that doesn't have the wild weather that other places have... I will put up with my cold winters and complain less, I'm grateful. Lately I have been thinking about gratitude and how thankful I am for my life.  I don't always show enough gratitude... especially when I am handling overwhelming challenges.

Mostly I have been thinking more about gratitude, due to the many blogs I have read in the last little while, where the writer is down on themselves and writing all their negatives about themselves.  I honestly feel sorry for them because I have felt this way myself... I try not to dwell on those attributes, we all have quirks about ourselves that we don't like, I am trying to look for the good things in me and continue to highlight those traits more.

This reminded me about that quote by Albert Einstein below:

I need to remember this more often, I have awesome qualities, things that I am amazing at... some things I am not but I should not put myself down for those things... I should highlight those amazing qualities.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Your Behavior Doesn't Dictate My Behavior

I had a wonderful morning with Valentina... we went to the playground (unfortunately it was too cold), then we decided to window shop a little... it was good to just spend the morning together.

The afternoon was much lazier, I spent the time cleaning but mostly relaxing... I feel rejuvenated after having the six days off.  I really needed the time and I was able to spend most of the time with my Valentina.

We were able to get in about a thirty minute walk today... I've been working on getting at least thirty minutes in each day... it's not easy as I have so many excuses that I have to get passed. I wish I didn't have so many but I plan to push through them all.

My sister and I were chatting this morning and discussing our upbringing with Ruth ... she brought up the fact that Ruth was abused as a child.  When I reminded her that although the three of us had been physically abused by Ruth... not one of us abused our own children.

We have the ability to change how we were brought up... frankly we knew that Ruth was wrong and we all knew that we didn't want to repeat her terrible behavior.  Ruth was weak... she still is because she can't admit that she was wrong to treat us as she did. 

She will have to live with her behavior and she alone will have to answer for her treatment of us... I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about when or how she will be dealt with... I'm just thankful I'm not her.  I have my own things to deal with... as we all do... as much as I feel that I have the right to judge Ruth, I don't though... I only need to worry about my own actions. 

When I release myself from judging Ruth or anyone else, it takes a lot of stress out of my life.  I know that some people have the need to see other people pay for their behavior, I have no desire for any of this.  I don't want her or anyone else to dictate my happiness ...  I like that little bit of freedom that I have, these people cannot affect my life anymore...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Missing In Action

I've had the desire to write but first I had to write to someone.  It has been a very long time since I have sat down and wrote an actual letter by hand.  I wanted this to be personal, I seriously think we have became an impersonal society with all of our technology.  Instead of being thoughtful, we text out a quick sentence... it's wonderful that we have that ability but with that quickness we lose the meaning sometimes.

I have to admit it was taking me awhile since I seem to think so much quicker because I am continually taking in so much information all the time.   Like right this moment I am writing this and going back and forth reading notifications.  I'm not focused, I have been noticing this lately but I realized it more when I sat down to write that letter...

I had to turn everything off.. not an easy thing for me to do and I didn't know why.  Then writing that letter made me realize how I always try to keep it noisy, even when I sleep... I NEVER turn my phone off, that changes tonight... I often fall asleep with the TV... another thing to go.

That letter took a lot out of me emotionally... I wrote and rewrote it, it's finally done.  While writing it, I had no energy to write anything else... I had the desire but I was exhausted.

Tonight I was reading blogs and Dawn who writes Healing Morning wrote about meditation... it's the answer to what I need.  I'm starting this tonight and in the morning... I need to clear my mind, I need to make quiet time.  I know that when I do this, I will have a better start to my day, hopefully with less stress. 

It might help with my insomnia... it may have me focused in the morning.  I can see this being good for me.  I'm looking forward to that fifteen minutes or more... eventually I want it to be 30 minutes twice a day. An hour a day for myself seemed like a lot but I give those hours away so easily for unimportant things that I realized an hour a day for myself is a small thing to ask. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Life Should Be An Adventure

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." 

- Helen Keller 
I read this quote and when I thought about security and how we all look for it in our lives.  At least the people I know are always searching for it, through a relationship... a career... or something creative.  It doesn't really exist as the quote states above, having the perfect relationship doesn't bring it about because no relationship is perfect.  Since we as people are not perfect the relationship cannot be either.. we learn to live with and love other people's idiosyncrasies...  I learned this when I fell in love with my David, I looked past the flaws he had as we all have... to see the best in him.  

Finding a career you can be secure in is really a myth these days, I don't know how realistic it is to think that there is any real security in your job.  I personally think we need to believe in ourselves and know that if the job we had ceased to exist that there will be something better down the way... it could be something different, we need to be opened to the possibilities.  I am seeing how things are changing quickly for each generation, for my great grandparents, they lived in one small town and worked at the same job all their lives.  My grandmother moved to the city but she still had the same career all of her life.  My father traveled North America and lived out a lot of his dreams, he wasn't held back by one job. 

I have worked in a few different fields in my life, adapting each time... I love my career now but even there I want to change it up a bit... I need to move on within the company.  I seriously wonder how my great grandparents stayed in one little town and worked at the same job all their lives.. Where is the growth in that, that is just existing... they were never taught to dream of anything better... I hope the one thing that I did is teach my children to dream big and to never settle for anything less than the best. 

I love the last line of the quote above... how it states that it is no safer to avoid danger...  Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  I know we all want security but if it means that we have no adventure, is it really worth it?  For me, the lack of adventure isn't worth all the security in the world.  It is just a life lived but not truly enjoyed. Life should be an adventure. 

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future   

Happy Tenth Birthday To My Valentina

I can't believe it has been ten years since my Valentina was born... a day when I learned it was possible to love two children with my whole heart but in different ways.

Right from the moment she was born, I was enamored by her as many people have been over the years.  She has a kind and very sweet personality with a beautiful smile.  It's difficult to not be drawn to her, she has that beautiful quality.

Every day I have her in my life I feel beyond blessed... my Heavenly Father knew the personality I could handle... My Valentina is so soft hearted, if she becomes snappy with me.. she apologizes quickly.

Her spirit is so beautiful and she shines from the inside out.  Today the weather was so much like the day she was born, sunny and cool... I'm transported back to that day, remembering how my heart opened so wide once I held her after delivering her.

Happy tenth Birthday to my beautiful baby daughter Valentina.... my life changed in such a good way ten years ago today <3

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Speeding Train Of Life

I am off for the next six days, which I am thrilled about.  I will miss work though, I really enjoy talking to the clients and lately I am learning so many things... it's like that at my job.  There is a vast amount of information, nobody and I mean nobody knows everything, so at times it can be overwhelming with everything there is to learn.  Sometimes I think my brain isn't taking in anything and I become frustrated with myself but then I have time periods like this where I am endlessly learning and retaining. It's a good feeling, it makes me know I am doing the right thing by advancing in my career in the near future... I can actually that see what I am doing now as becoming monotonous.  I never thought I would say that ever but I can now because most days are run of the mill... I get a few odd things but mainly it is simple things I already know how to do.

Anyhow, work is on the back burner for the next six days... I will be way to busy with cleaning and getting ready for Valentina's party on Friday/Saturday... those will just be days for her.  Tomorrow is her actual birthday so she and I are going to spend the majority of the day together, first I am taking her to school and for some silly reason she is really excited about that. Second, I am buying her a cheesecake of her choice and Chinese food.  After she's off to bed tomorrow, I plan to post a special blog about her for her big tenth birthday.  I seriously cannot believe that ten years have passed.

Having children really opened my eyes to how time is speeding by quickly and to how much time I have wasted... I want to stop wasting more of my time.   I read a blog this morning from a girl that has not blogged for quite sometime, her posts were about her effort to lose weight and how she felt about herself.  Well this morning when I opened it up, it was her truthful and candor honesty that made me think about how I have been doing the same thing she did.

She got off track, gained a lot of the weight back and so did her husband.... she was writing today as her husband ended up having heart surgery and she realized how she had been ignoring her body and eating whatever she wanted.  To all the excuses she came up with for not exercising... most of what she wrote, she could have been writing about me.  I have this grand plan to workout and I really want to but I keep coming up with excuses for not starting. 

Like her, she is tired of them... so am I, she realizes as do I that  our time is now... if not we could end up where her husband is...a scary thought.  I ended up walking to the mall to catch my bus this morning, it was only fifteen minutes but it was a start.  I ate only healthy today, so today was my first day getting back on track.  It may take me a while to build up my strength to walk longer but I am going to keep working at it and if I fail a day here and there as I am bound to do since I am human.  I will not allow for it to derail me... my dad was only 55 when he had a heart attack... I need to take heed and really start taking care of myself.

I was really failing in the taking care of myself department,, after reading her blog this morning... it opened my eyes that until I am honest with myself I will continue to gain weight.  I have a lot on my plate but I think it will be good for me to be busy... especially in a few weeks where I know things are going to change in my life.... being busy will be good, it might distract me.  I have had a really big decision that I have had to make, I have made it... part of me is relieved... the other part of me is scared.  That's good though right?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Other-Worth or Self-Worth

"Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on others for your value it is other-worth."

- Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I was reading through some of my emails from The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp and I came across this quote above by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, I remember seeing him on a PBS special a couple of years ago... I was so taken with the program that I had to go out and buy his book. There are so many common sense items in it, things that we know but sometimes we turn them around to sound better but we change the meaning, he states the meaning clearly...

This quote touched me as I have had a few self doubts about myself lately and I kept looking for someone or something to take away the doubts I have been having.... when really it is all up to me, if I say I am worthy, I am.  This seems like such an easy concept when you hear it but for me it's difficult because I have to accept that I can do something about the way I feel.  There in lies my issue, I self evaluate myself continually looking for someone to show me or tell me that I am of worth... 

Mainly I have done this, looked to others to validate my worthiness because I felt that it was others that took it away from me to begin with... Just because Ruth my ex step mother did everything she could within her power to destroy my worth, doesn't mean she was right about me.  What it means is that she herself lacked any self worth of her own and instead of making herself a better person, she did everything she could to drag me to her level.

Unfortunately some people never see their worth and what they really could be capable of, they continue to lay the blame from their past experiences in the present.  I can say this because I was raised by her and I did not raise my children the same way... I'm not a perfect mother... who is... but I do know that destroying a child's self worth in themselves will do absolutely nothing to make me feel better.  In fact it would only lower my self worth.

I am not saying that it is easy to overcome how we were raised , on the contrary... I think it is hard work.   However; I think it is work that is worth doing, otherwise she and people like her succeed in pulling me down to their level.   My self worth doesn't come from what Ruth tried to instill in me, nor does it come from anyone else... It comes from me. When I remember that, I know that I have to do something to change my circumstances if I want my feelings to change.

Remember that challenge I said I would have to deal with... it is fast approaching... I have tried to side step it, ignore it and just plain defy it... It's not going away, it's one of those challenges that I am going to have to do something about ... I also know that until I do acknowledge it, it will control me and my emotions.  Some decisions are hard to accept, others are beyond what I think I am capable of  handling.  This quote reminded me that I alone make the decision of my self worth and the way that I deal with this up coming challenge will really show me what I am made of.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Social Media On A Timer

I spent the day reading blogs and cooking a meal for dinner and for lunch tomorrow, my little Valentina is not feeling so well... I spent the day tending to her, she has a sore throat and a fever.  Hopefully she'll feel better in the morning or she will be spending the day at home with Cindy.  So, I took the day to get caught up with everyone's blog that I follow and who had posted plus I have gone around to most of my social media and changed my picture from me and David to a picture of myself, except for here on the blog, I am not ready to change it here yet.

David is going on exercise for two or three weeks, not sure of the length... there is no communication with the outside when they are on one of these... It's going to be difficult for me not to text him as we text every day and always said good night.  This will be good since I have decided to cap a limit on my time that I give to social media.  I love staying connected but there are times we all have to unplug occasionally, otherwise we miss out on the small things right in front of us.

I am going to start limiting my usage with the timer on my phone... since I love how I say I will just check something out and be five minutes; with a timer, I will really see if it is five minutes.  I am also going to get Valentina's tablet charged up and use that to write my blog while I am on the bus, I miss writing my blog in the morning, I used to do this on my blackberry but it became too hard on my android touch screen.  With the tablet, the keys are larger and less of a chance of hitting the wrong key with my fingers.

My phone is great to use when you are sitting, just not moving as it is ultra sensitive.... which can be frustrating if you keep clicking the wrong letter.  So, I limit my use to going through Twitter and Facebook, it will be nice to use my time wisely on the bus again.  That way when I get home at night, I will be able to post immediately... then relax and read the blogs I follow.  This will be especially helpful when I start having a two hour trip home on the bus, at least I will be accomplishing something and not feel like I have wasted all my time.

I am only working two days this week, since I took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to clean my house for Valentina's birthday sleep over this weekend... as well I wanted to be able to make a nice birthday dinner for her on Wednesday with just her and me..  She is looking forward to this very much so I hope whatever illness she has passes soon so she can enjoy her time coming up.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future