Needing Someone

I know that people think I have lost my mind or gone over the edge completely but somehow... I don't think so.   I just know when something feels right and I go after it, no matter the cost.  Part of that is being tenacious, which can be a great thing... sometimes it hurts when other people don't see the vision I can see and something doesn't work out the way that I know it is supposed to.

I have known for a while that my life is meant to take a big curve, for me to grow. Every time I progress is because I have had to deal with life changing alterations.  This particular change is something I am truly looking forward to and I have thought long and hard about how great it could be even if it is extremely scary. 

Sometimes I really wish that other people could see my vision and than it would go so much more smoothly, I guess it wouldn't be worth it then... oh... but so much easier. It's so hard to stay strong when everyone around is negative, I just keep the vision in my head and press on. It definitely isn't simple but I know that getting to the goal is so worth it.

Now I just have to find a way to stop being afraid, my bravado is definitely bigger than what I feel inside. Believe me I am jelly inside most of the time but I just keep moving forward, I cannot progress without putting one foot in front of the other.

I really think the scariest thing in life is admitting when you like or care for someone, not because you don't want that person to know they are needed and cared for, because you do want them to know.  It always feels good when you know that someone cares about you but is very scary to open yourself up and your heart when you don't know how someone else feels.

Right now, I just know that there are times in our lives that we need someone, it might only be for a short time but I always want to be in tune when the need arises. I know that if I don't do what I know that I should,  that I will regret it and I am tired of regrets... I love living my life in the moment. So, no matter what people think of my decisions, I stand behind them because I know that sometimes people need someone to help them and sometimes we are those people that are supposed to be there. I couldn't sleep or live with myself if I didn't try and didn't give the best of myself.

The Same Wish

As I reflect on this last year of my life, I am reminded that I have the same goal as I did last year. That could mean one of two things, either I am persistent and when I want something, I don't stop until I attain it or two I am too stubborn to give up. If it's the second, I am hoping my stubbornness does not bring me more of what it has in the past. I am hopeful that for once it helps me to have what I want and need.

All and all it has been a pretty good year, certainly it could have been better. I am just grateful that it was a year that I really progressed in my life. Work has been better, a lot more relaxing, which is what I needed... less stress in that department. I have not felt the need be completely alone which has made my being a mama even better. I am totally blessed to have Valentina, she has been and continues to be a joy to raise. I truly love both of my daughters very much.

This year I actually let me guard down and allowed myself to feel, sometimes with exhilarating results, other times.. not so fantastic. I have to admit that most of the time taking a chance has been pretty damn wonderful. The fall from being up do high does hurt and feels a lot more painful than it used to be. Somehow, I still think it will be worth it, I just feel that life without excitement isn't even a life worth living, that is just existing.

I am enjoy Christmas and I plan to just cook, bake, play with Valentina and talk with my friends. For New Years I want the same wish that I had last year, this year it seems a lot more attainable than it did last year. That leaves me feeling excited, I just want to enjoy my life and have fun.  I want to take chances and I want to do things I have never done before. I just want to live my best life, be the best me that there is.

Appreciation, does it even exist?

I am just wondering if appreciation even exists any longer, I say this because I feel like I go out of my way to be there for people and what do I get... hmmm.... not much in return.  Not that I expect anything as I know that is not why I go out of my way to help people. I really help people because I care about them, I guess I just wanted a little thankfulness and gratefulness.

Instead, I feel like I am a bother when all I want to do is show people how important they are to me, I guess most people don't feel the same way. I wonder if people know how to be honest and truthful even if it hurts?  Really it is better to be honest with someone, it's like ripping a band aid off quickly, at least you get it over with.  What is the use in prolonging pain?  I just haven't figured out why people don't understand that. 

Maybe the reason people don't know how to be honest is because when they were, someone who promised that it was okay, was lying.  I on the other hand am being extremely honest and I expect honesty back.  Instead I am the one being hurt because people are afraid of being honest. Damn it, it makes me crazy... I just want to know where I stand, I just want to know the truth no matter what.

If I knew the truth, maybe I could move on... , maybe I wouldn't be in limbo for the rest of my life.  I am beginning to think I should be like almost everyone else and not give a damn, just be in it for myself.  Isn't that the way people seem to be? Maybe I should just stop caring... where the hell has it got me?  Maybe if I wasn't there for people, they might realize that I have gone out of my way to make their lives better.  Then again, maybe they would care less.

I guess I am the one that will have to make the decision, as tough as it will be, I just can't sit by and wait on other people. I just don't want to wait around for other people to make me feel better.  I am a good and kind woman, a woman who believes in love, helping and honesty.  I just want the same thing in return.

Flip Flops and Butterflies

I just read an old post of mine which I wrote about a month before I met you, someone who actually gives me flip flops in my belly and butterfly feelings.  I am glad I waited, even though there have been a lot of highs and lows, the feelings I have felt have been worth it. I love how I giggle when I think about you, I adore how people can see how I feel when I talk about you, I want to do anything I can for you, whatever it is to make you smile and to make you happy.

Lately helping you makes me happy, I have found that I love cooking when I was sure I just didn't.  I am grateful that I was wrong and I have tried so many things that I never would have attempted and realized I am a pretty darn good cook. I am looking forward to coming up with new ideas for making new dishes.

I have to thank you, you got me out of the funky mood I was in... I was at a fork in the road in my life when I was sure I would never feel anything ever again for anyone. And even if this does not turn out to last a lifetime, it was exactly what I needed in my life at this time. If I had not met you, I may not have continued to believe that I deserved to feel flip flops and butterflies, I might have settled for less and been very unhappy. Now I know that no matter what, I will be forever grateful that I know that I am worth it and that I deserve the best.  I deserve to be loved as we all do.

I knew the moment that I met you that you were different and special, it was in your eyes and overtime I was proven right. I am grateful that I didn't give up on you and walk away when it seemed unlikely I would have you in my life. It just goes to show you that life can change just like that and it changed for the good for me. 

Thank you for letting me be there for you, for letting me care about you, for making me smile daily and for helping me to remember how lucky and blessed I am.


4 Shows I watch

The Amazing Race
Charmed (Reruns)
Days Of Our Lives (I know, a guilty pleasure of mine)

4 Things I am passionate about

My Children
My Friends

4 Phrases I say alot

Oh My Gosh!
Get over it
Are you kidding me?
That is insane

4 Things I have learned from the Past

That I will never stop learning or loving
That spoiling children with material items is not the way to go
That being honest is always better than lying
That being afraid never gets you anywhere

4 Places I'd like to go to


4 Things I did yesterday

Went to my work Christmas party
Spent time with Valentina

4 Things I am looking forward to

Raising Valentina to be a woman
Having a grandchild from Andrea and Paul
Travelling in Europe
Learning how to drive

4 Things that I love about Winter

Light fluffy snowflakes
Fall my favorite season preceeds winter
Crisp clear evenings
Building snowmen and making snow angels

4 Things on my wish list

Spending time with someone I love
Becoming a better mother
Learning to love myself for who I am
Making time for the things that are important

I think my next blog will be about the goals I have set for myself, short term and long term.  Whenever I set goals, I seem to attain them. Note to self, I need to set more goals and make them bigger than what I believe I am capable of attaining as we never dream big enough for ourselves and this only limits us.

Can I Believe Enough Because I Know It's Right?

Part of me sits here wondering if I can believe enough just because I know it is right?  Every fibre of my being keeps telling me to hold on and the reward will be so worth it.  A small part of me is scared that I am wasting my time and only going to be hurt more than I ever thought imaginable. When I am afraid, those doubts creep in and when I am confident nothing gets through. 

I want to live with confidence and strength, for if I live with this, other people will see it too and they will know what I know. Why are we so afraid to live the life we were meant to live and to love the person we were meant to love. I don't want to be one of those people anymore, I want to stand tall and show everyone that I don't give up on what I really know.

Maybe it isn't me that isn't strong enough, maybe it is the other person who cannot believe that they deserve to be loved.  We all deserve to be loved, we all deserve to be happy and for that reason, I cannot walk away even if I am feeing pushed away. I won't make your fears my reality, I will stand strong and be there no matter how hard you push.  Maybe then you will know how much you deserve to be loved and how special you really are.

What happened to make you fear love so much, I thought I had it all happen to me and yet I am not so afraid to love that I don't keep trying. If the past is our indicator to what the future holds, I should have crawled up under a rock and given up a long time ago.  But I realized that our past is not who we are, we have the chance everyday to make things different and better.

So, I stand her patiently waiting, wishing you could see the potential in yourself that I know that is there. Maybe I am setting myself up for a fall but I can't walk away when I know what I know. I am the eternal optimist and I work hard to be the best me that there is, a woman who is passionate about what and who she believes in. A woman that is tenacious and strong willed and someone who loves unconditionally. I won't be the one to walk away, if you cannot handle being cared for more than you ever thought possible, you will have to be the one to walk away.