Overcoming Self Sabotage

It took me a bit to find the time to blog this last week, I have been thinking about some things I need to change... also I needed to give an update of my weight loss journey.  The last week and a half has been awful food wise, I did start to exercise daily, that felt great... I only walked about 6 miles but that is 6 miles more than I did the week before.

Anyhow, the food thing bothered me, I have had incredible control over what I ate in the past year and the last little while it was like I had given into food again. So I took a very hard look at myself and asked myself questions, why was I sabotaging all my hard work? I thought about it for a few days and I realized I was a little afraid of succeeding.  I know, silly right?  However; losing the weight has brought up a few things.

What I ended up telling myself is that I worked very hard for the last year of my life and I am not going to let a little rejection push me back to food again.  I have decided that when or if it happens in the future that I am going to find another way to deal with it. Something changed with me immediately, like a light flicked on , I started walking more and I am eating within my calorie limit... I feel good.  I am making the decision now to do this tomorrow and the next day. 
The hardest part of getting over the addiction or issues we all have is getting past the disappointment we feel with ourselves for failing from time to time.  The successful person and I plan to be one of them, doesn't let anything have her wallow for any length of time.  Frankly if I can handle losing 'him' as my best friend yet continue to lose weight and get myself healthy, I can find another way to handle the let downs that happen in life. I am not going to let disappointment in myself allow me to fail, this is a life time goal.

I am grateful that I asked myself that question and that I really took the time to think about it. I've chosen to give myself that break that I am more than willing to give to other people.  I feel like that day I first started last year, I was focused, I had a goal and nothing took my eye off it... I feel like that now.  I took my focus off the goal but I have it back.  It really is just making a decision and not letting anything get in the way... not even self sabotage.
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My Commitment To Myself

I have been struggling a little with getting back into exercising and I am struggling with eating properly all the time.  I then wrote my last blog post and I realized how close I was to the anniversary of when I finally started making real changes.  Today is that day, the first thing is that I am committing to using My Fitness Pal again, so that I can maintain for a while.

Also I am committing to using Map My Walk again, I love that app, it changed my life, I saw how I was always competing with my own times... I miss that feeling, it was amazing how I looked forward to the walks to see how much faster I could do it... The 10K I wanted to run is going to happen 2015 but I definitely want to do the 5K Run Or Dye.  I think it would be a great deal of fun getting loaded with different colors.

I knew why I was struggling too, it was because 'S' had gone from hot to cold in one day.  It can be hard to deal with rejection no matter how high ones self esteem is.  Lucky for me I do have self esteem and self worth, so this rejection feeling didn't last long.  It was just a little bump, I am not going to let things like this take my eye off the goal.  I might stumble from time to time... it happens to all of us, the difference for me this time is that I take it for what it is... a stumble and I don't allow it to take over.
I have some plans and goals, staying healthy is at the top of the list.  So I am putting myself first again and I am going to commit to walking at least 15 miles per week, which is not all that much as there were times I walked 25-30 miles per week in the last year.  I just need to get back to it and spend this summer really getting myself toned and in shape.  Then finish up my CPA courses like I have talked about.  Time to get off my butt and do that finally.  I need to be able to run payroll anywhere in the country so I can move down the road.

I have also decided not to write about any of the guys I am dating until I know it is going somewhere, I think I will give it three months of seeing each other so that we will have a better idea of where we think a relationship would be going, whenever he might come along, I unhid my profile and then I decided to hide it for the summer, I need to make some commitments to myself first and then put myself out there again. 
I am not sleeping better but I definitely get more rest because I go to bed early and stay in bed as late as I can.  I think it is important since I cannot seem to have unbroken sleep.  I don't know how that is going to change, hopefully all the walking I have planned will help me rest better.  I am also thinking of going for a massage, that would be very relaxing.

On top of the commitment to track what I eat and exercise, I am going to check in here weekly with a small update.  The goal is not to lose a great deal of weight ... maybe 15 pounds by the Fall, it is more to get in shape and to get stronger. It is important to keep active when you are older... I certainly do not want to be matronly just because I am 50. So I am making a commitment to myself...
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One Year Ago I Changed My Life

Now here is a post I have been thinking about and planning for a year.  I remember thinking back then how much I wanted to change my whole life, I was not aware of how I was going to change it as much as I did. All that I knew was that I did not want to be in the same place that I was a year ago.  I was unhappy, overweight, alone... just going through the motions.

Then 'he' ticked me off severely and I knew then I would have to change everything.  At first I was thinking what could I do differently that I had not done in the past, so that I could be successful?  That was of course when the contest came up at work.  I threw myself into it, I walked everywhere and I ate so well.  The weight literally fell off of me, the first eleven weeks I lost over 37 pounds.  I kept seeing positive changes and right about that time, I started doing this for myself. 

I came to many realizations over the past year, where I found that I needed to love myself where I was and not when I had lost a certain amount of weight... I also found that I wanted this for me, not for anyone else and I proved that to myself and others when my life completely fell apart the end of September and I did not go back to eating and putting the weight back on.  That is how I failed in the past ... this time I was different, this time I wanted it for all the right reasons.

I didn't want it for a certain event, I didn't want it for someone else, I didn't want it to prove to others I could do this... I wanted this for me, I wanted to be healthy and I fell in love with how committed I was to myself and to my future.  I added years to my life by losing the 80+ pounds I lost, I still have a few to go but that can come over the summer.  I feel really good about how I have changed my body and my health, maintaining it is actually harder than losing it but it is what I want now, I don't want to ever go back to where I was..
What ended up changing?  My health improved, except for the lack of sleep... still working on that one.  Am I any happier?  A month ago I would have said no but I can see how it is getting better with time... there is a light ahead, I have hope... it was a really long hard road. Am I alone?  Yes, but I am at least attempting to date, which is further ahead than I was a year ago.

When I made that decision to really commit, not just wish or hope for it, I had no idea how much my life would change.  I don't even know that I was prepared, I hit some huge bumps along the way that threatened to pull me down and each time I was sure I would fail or give up... I kept pushing myself and holding onto that little bit of hope that I would be strong enough to get through whatever was thrown at me.  While I was in the worst part of it, I was absolutely sure I wouldn't make it through.

There were nights that I crawled into bed and cried, got up in the morning and cried...  I didn't go back to food but I wasn't always successful with other things in my life.  Some part of me kept holding on, sometimes it was something that someone would write, other times it was a message from a person that barely knew me but seemed to know exactly what to say to me. A lot of the time it was being able to write everything I was feeling down in this blog.
That wasn't always easy either as you know that someone (not him) felt they needed to dig through everything I had written to discredit me, so that they could feel better about themselves.  I would actually like to thank that person today but I think she finally gave up reading my blog, especially after she accidentally followed my Pinterest board.  As soon as she realized what she had done, she deleted her own account and I haven't seen her ... nice to know she got a life of her own.

One of the best things that came out of this all was that of course I lost the weight and became healthier than I have ever been.... two I refuse to hide anything, I am an open book and no one will ever change that about me and three, most importantly I gained my self esteem and self worth back.  I know there are people who don't think I did but that is their problem, not mine.
One year ago I changed my life by making a decision, sticking to it and never giving up.  Was it easy?  No... but it was and is worth it... I will never give up on myself again, I did many years ago and finding myself this last year has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences I have ever been through. The biggest question that I am sure people have for me, as I have had this question for myself.  Would I have made the same decision knowing what I ended up losing?  I don't know, I am grateful I had no idea what I would lose, I might not have taken the path I did...
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A Time To Reflect

I held off writing this post because I feel like I had disappointed everyone. When I wrote my last post, I had already met 'S' and we seemed to have connected on many levels.  We talked at great length and laughed a lot, we were messaging each other all day throughout the day and making plans to see each other more.  Suddenly it ended as quickly as it started and although I was disappointed, I am still in a good place with myself.  I did take myself off the dating site for a while, I have issues when someone cannot say they are just not that into me.

I would respect someone more if they could be totally honest with me, especially since we had talked about it at great length before we even met.  I know when I met someone that I wasn't interested in, I nicely told him and didn't leave him hanging. Not everyone is capable of saying the truth for fear of not being able to handle the reaction.  Well, too bad...personally suck it up and be an adult, say the truth.
This past week gave me a little time to reflect and made me think about 'him' a bit, although 'he' did explain back in early 2012 that he realized he still had feelings for his ex, he did wait until he was home, many provinces away.  Also, he had no issue being with me the whole time he was home for the holidays in 2011, it made me wonder when he had actually come to the conclusion that he still had feelings for her...

Then it made me think about last summer when he and I were talking everyday and he was saying a lot of things he shouldn't have said because although I knew in my head that we were just friends, as I wrote about that often.  My heart wasn't quite as smart and I still had feelings... of course I never hid those either, anyone who was not aware was blind, deaf or dumb... none of which I thought he was... I think the thing that really upset me and had me turning around in circles was the about face in the matter of two days near the end of September last year.
Everything was normal on a Friday, we were laughing, teasing each other, joking and texting goodnight with xoxo like we did every night for the past couple of years.  Then out of the blue I was told something I wasn't aware of, I asked him to tell me more about it, I mean... we were 'friends', that is what 'friends' do, share their lives.  I was told that he would tell me later and to remember I was special to him and always would be...

That wasn't the truth, when it all finally came out two days later... I was the one left spinning, not understanding anything ... I was in shock and I have been for nearly nine months.  The whole thing blew me away because he told me how important honesty was to him and I reiterated the fact that it was extremely important to me too.  I was and always will be honest with the people in my life... he cannot say the same thing.

Instead of being honest, he stated he was unaware that I had been writing about him.  I want to laugh right here and now about that, he had liked my Facebook page, he had me listed as family and that meant he was getting all my updates and knew very well that I was writing about him.  Not to mention that I had actually sent many of the links to him, encouraging him to read them.  I also have a conversation where I had asked him if it was okay for me to write about him and he told me it was fine. 
This shook me to the core because I believed with my whole heart that even though we were only going to be friends, we would always be honest and open with each other.  After reflecting on my last dating incident, this all came to my mind and I realized that although he stated he wanted honesty... he only wanted what he could handle... That is very sad, as true friends are hard to come by... I have forgiven him, I refuse to hold a grudge against anyone, life is way too short.

I wanted to tell you all that I do believe that eventually I will find love, it just has to happen because I have so many people throughout this world that are hoping, praying and sending out beautiful happy vibes for me... it cannot be denied to me, I totally believe that the universe gives back what you give out.  So in essence this last dating episode with 'S' was actually good for me in the long run, it gave me time to really think... it gave me time to reflect.
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