Was What I Lost, Worth What I Gained

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I haven't had writers block, I have had this blog block, I have been writing in my other blog, my personal one, every night.  That is because I can say whatever I want, I don't have to gauge how someone might take it.  I feel like I have been skating on thin ice when I write here, I wonder if I might say something wrong... As well, after I wrote my last entry about deserving even better, it left me pondering a lot of things from that post.  My self esteem used to be wrapped up in if someone loved me or not.

That isn't the way that it is any longer, my self esteem comes from within now ... right where it always should have come from.  I feel though that my lack of self esteem in the past may have hurt me in a greater way... I feel like since I used to be needy that people that saw me that way are unable to see the change in me now.  I understand why people would have a hard time believing that I have changed, I have tried many other times, only to fail... but this time, something different happened.  I really got it, inside me, I got that I deserved to do this for me, I was worth all the effort.

I have been thinking about that a lot because since I have lost my bus pass, I have not been putting in as much effort .... I now make sure that I take two walks per day and I put in the effort to get my heart rate up.  I sometimes try to talk myself out of it but I get myself out, this is important, I need to stay active so that when I get my bus pass pack next week, I will be ready for the gym.  Every time I think of making an excuse not to go, I remember that girl from a short six months ago who had no idea what she was capable of or how strong she was. I never want to lose that feeling
Unfortunately I cannot make other people see the change in me, I just have to keep working on being the best me ... that is all I have control over.  It's not a good feeling when I know that my past behavior comes back to bite me in the butt.  There are consequences to our actions, even if we didn't mean them intentionally.  It is making me think twice about what I say or write now and in the future; my posts from the past are there to remind me where I don't want to go back to... I would delete some of them... a lot of them but then I might forget and I never want to forget where I was and don't want to be in the future.

I was focused on all the wrong things, I was not focused on me.  Since I neglected myself, everything around me was neglected.  When I took my life back this summer, I realized that taking care of me, helped me to be able to take better care of other things around me.  It was a good lesson, one that I plan to remember... the Summer of 2013 was the year I found my self confidence, the Fall brought a challenge I was sure I would fail, sometimes I wonder if I still won't fail but I keep moving forward and making new goals.  Sometimes that is all I can do with the challenges I have been handed, some day it might all make sense.

Until then, I have to keep moving forward, even if I don't always feel like it... Sometimes it is really hard... sometimes I wonder if it is worth it?  Was what I lost, worth what I gained?

Wow, I Deserve Even Better

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Where do I start?  At the beginning?  I then have to ask, which beginning?  The one for him and me, where then I explain how the beginning came long before that. It came from growing up feeling unloved and unwanted... My father was an absent one for the majority of the time and Ruth was my stepmother (she certainly could have lived up to the wicked stepmother).  I know lots of people will say that is not an excuse, they can point out many people who overcame that and had life long loving relationships.  I am not one of them, I am the one who has chosen unavailable men all of her life, why because I never felt worthy of love, I just craved it. However; the more I craved it, the more it eluded me...

The more it eluded me, the more I felt undeserving of it, first I met a man when I was 16 years old, he was 20.  All I can say, is where were my parents, I would not allow my daughter to date someone that old when she was only 16.  I would have put my foot down with Andrea, there are parents who need to step up to the plate, my parents were not those people.  I can't say that it was my mother as she felt she couldn't say much since she had not been in our lives for 10 years. That would be my father who was so lax... I don't know why he was but he was.

Anyway, that first relationship ended after an on again, off again for three years and when it did, it took me less than a month to get over him. Most guys after that were similar, meet a guy... guy is no good... have a short relationship... break up and get over them.  Along comes second important guy, he wouldn't marry me because I had already had a child outside of marriage and he couldn't explain that to his parents.   This coming from a man who had a child outside of marriage that he didn't tell his parents about until years later.  Okay that relationship ended... that took years to really end, it was before my marriage and after my marriage.  It took him being so callous after my ex husband Andrey raped me... saying what did I expect?  NOT THAT!!!!

In between that relationship, I married Andrey... that relationship was awful, from near beginning to the end.  He started out small, with calling me a few names, to yelling, to swearing to pushing... I finally got out of that and then less then a year later, he raped me.  A year after that he threatened to kill me... Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in that marriage... not because I was in love with him, I wasn't for a very long time and it was never real love.  I stayed because I signed papers where I was responsible for him, as soon as I found out I was no longer obligated, I set myself free.

Then I went on a dating spree, I don't think there is a better word for it, I saw who I wanted and I didn't care what anyone thought.   Finally about six months before I started speaking with him, I had settled down, I wanted something more than just frivolous dating.  I fell fast and I fell hard, it was simple, he was sweet, he was kind and I thought finally I was going to be with someone who I was deserving of and someone who was deserving of me.  That of course was not to be...  Then because of how I was raised, where I lacked love as a child, the reason I craved it so much... I held on longer than I should...Continuing to move forward now as I have been, each day moving on...
I keep reading that quote about letting go for something better, I will have to look that one up and add it in here... I can tell you this, he better be amazing, like crazy amazing... I am just not settling for less, I am sure he exists, I'm not giving up hope.  I think when I lost him, I lost hope... I started thinking how could I find anyone who would make me feel that special again but I will and like the quote says it will be even better, this time, the amazing guy will love me too.  I had to have him and lose him to find out that I deserved even better...(not that he wasn't wonderful because he is, that's why I say, wow... I deserve even better).


 The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

When I was younger I used to write poetry all the time, I even had an empty book that I wrote all of them in... one day I lost it and with it I lost my desire to write anymore poems.  It took me another 25 years plus to write anything again... I think it was the hardest post for me to publish, next to my post about being raped.  I have written sporadic poetry over the past year, it is always difficult to hit publish... maybe because it can be taken so many ways and basically they are just words from my heart. 

This was a poem I wrote many years ago...

When I remember all the memories we had
I remember the good times not the bad
Life was so wonderful way back when
Where did it go, I think about it time and again.

I'll always remember the time we shared and how I felt
One caress and a look from you eyes made my heart melt
Your eyes they mesmerized me
Where could that love we had be?

Many times I wonder what broke us apart
I've looked through my mind and felt with my heart
There was no reason that I could see
Maybe we didn't try or was it just me?

Now we're apart and on our own
Be happy with her, I'm glad you're not alone
So, when you remember all the memories we had
Like me Baby, remember the good times and not the bad.

♥«´¨`•°..Launna ..°•´¨`»♥

First Sleep, Then Dream

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

So, I finally have a pill that let me get some sleep last night, however; I will not be able to take a full one on work nights.  I woke up twice through the night but I was so tired both times that I fell right back to sleep.  I slept until nine am and I was in bed by ten pm, so it was a fairly decent sleep... unfortunately it left me feeling sleepy past lunch and I was not able to accomplish what I had hoped, oh well, at least I got some much needed sleep.  I can talk a lot at the best of times but look out when I haven't had sleep, I could talk your ear off then but I lose my train of thought easily too.

I am going to bed early tonight and take a whole one, it will be great to have two nights in a row... normally I am lucky to get one decent night per week.  Hence why I have been trying lots of ways to sleep.  I miss how I used to crawl into bed, have a few thoughts and then fall asleep for the whole night.... Those days are truly missed by me, that was before I felt like I have too many balls in the air and juggling them feels like they are becoming near impossible.  Being a single mama is tough, I feel like I let my child down because I am gone early in the morning, I get home late at night, I don't sleep so I am overly tired.
The whole thing is beyond hard, I know two parent families that have a rough time, doing it all by myself, every single day is overwhelming.  I am hoping that I will be able to continue to get some much needed sleep for a while, which will help me to feel more rested and then I will be more available.  That and if I could just resolve a few issues in my life, I am sure that would free up a couple of the balls I have in the air... I know this would help me to able to breathe a little easier.

Also, I lost my bus pass, so I had to dig down and buy bus tickets to get back and forth to work for the rest of the month. That means no Game Center, I will be walking outside for the rest of the month to have my exercise.  I am sure I will raise my speed by walking outside in this cold, I will want to get home quickly... I think I will take to walking to the bridge in the morning again, that was a great 40-45 minute walk for me and got my heart rate up.
I have to be creative when I have no extra money to get to the gym, especially before Christmas. Luckily for me, I only have a couple of people I buy for, Valentina and Jackson. As well, Valentina is pretty grateful for whatever she gets, she is easy to please and not to highly demanding. For this I am thankful, it is still going to be hard ... I will figure out some way though.  I think we should get our tree up the first week in December, so we can enjoy it for the whole month. 

Christmas and New Years are very difficult for me, it is a reminder of dreams.  I am just going to have to immerse myself in it this year, maybe I will be too busy to remember.  I hope one day I will be too busy to remember, I don't want the holidays to be hard forever, I want to be able to enjoy them again.  I am sure I will figure out a way to turn this around, I always do... somehow.

Trials Equal Blessings

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.
I logically know that I cannot control anything,  yet I am continually trying to control something in my life.  Today I was at work and waiting in between calls, just thinking how far I have come since June 15, 2013, when I started my journey to get healthy and lose weight.  I got on the scale at work this morning and was pleasantly surprised that I was down 65 pounds since then, I have less than 25 pounds left that I want to lose.  This goal is so within my reach, I have taken to walking a little in the morning and at lunch.  I have been working late most of this week so I haven't been able to walk in the evening and Valentina has been sick for about 10 days so we have not been out to the Canada Games Center.

I am giving her the weekend to feel better, she is starting to but I don't want her over doing it and becoming sick again.  So, I won't be back to the gym until Monday... until then I am going to find times to walk, even if they're only for 15 or 20 minute intervals. It is better that I exercise a little than none at all.  I like that I don't dread going out and having to walk now, I usually get out, start walking fast, do a few sprints and then walk fast again... I always feel rejuvenated once I have been out and really pushed myself.

Everyone is saying it's great that I have lost the weight, some people think a little too fast, I don't think so, I really have put a lot of effort into this, besides I have found that it is the one thing I can control right now, eating healthy and exercising as much as I can.  Everything else in my life is up in the air, I personally need to have that one place that I don't feel like I am spinning out of control...  I just want a few things to settle in my life, so that I won't feel like I am going around in circles all the time.  It can be difficult to deal with when it sometimes feels like I don't get a break before the next trial is tossed my way.
I sound like I am not grateful but I am, I am really blessed and very thankful.  When I am having one thing handed to me before I feel like I have the last issue resolved, I start reminding myself of all the great blessings I have in my life.  Sure there are some missing pieces, we all have those but I have so much to feel gratitude for... some days I have to work a little more than others reminding myself of them.  However; I never give up on believing that nothing remains the same, life is always changing and just because my situation doesn't look great right now, does not mean that it won't or can't shift.

I honestly believe that each challenge I have been given in the past few months are ones that will help me to grow beyond what I thought I was capable of... I have to say though, it has been awful, really awful.  Those huge challenges might come with great rewards but while I am going through them, they are overwhelmingly tough.  Right now I am reminded of that story about how we are being sanded and polished with each challenge, I am thinking enough is enough.. a few rough edges are okay with me. Personally, I don't mind a few places that are not polished perfectly, that can come later... however; maybe I don't know best.

I guess I have to give up trying to figure out how to control everything in my life and remember that just because I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there because it has always been there.  I want to get through this and look back, breathe a sigh of relief and think wow, I made it through and it was worth it... maybe I can say that in the near future.

Our Dreams Can Come True

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Dreams of you
Dreams that are gone
Looking back

Dreams that are empty
Dreams that are lost
Today is no different

Looking forward
Dreams of tomorrow
Dreams that are alive

Tomorrow has hope
Dreams can be changed
Dreams can come true

I'm Top Priority

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I never have a time I cannot write, I seem to sit down at any given moment and I can put words to paper... I can remember being really young and writing little stories in my head and then writing more complex ones as I became older.  I think that is why the blog worked for me, I could just come here anytime and write whatever I was thinking about or feeling... I never thought of the end result though, opening yourself up can bring about consequences I never envisioned... maybe I should have but I just had a need to write as I always have.

After Andrey raped me and I realized how I had lost myself and my voice, I started to blog... it was my place to just let everything out.  I didn't blog often and very few people read it in the beginning, I was a total mess emotionally.  I did things back than that I would never do today.  Why not today?  Because I have self esteem, I have self confidence now... I have this because I opened up more about myself, talked myself through some really tough times and proved to myself and a lot of other people that it is more than possible to take your life back and make it so much better, even at the age of 50.
A lot of good things came around for me, I learned a great deal about myself in the past few years but more so once I started my weight loss journey in June of this year.  I remember how I decided that something had to change in my life, I could not imagine being where I was in a year from then.... Once I started taking one day at a time and really working towards my goal, I saw fabulous results, the kind that turned heads.  It was really good for me, I started assessing some of my old patterns.  I realized what little self confidence I had in myself, I had myself convinced that I didn't deserve anything decent, kind or loving.

The more weight I lost the more that I saw how curvy I was and it made me feel good.  I liked and do like that I have made my body look better than it has in years.  I did that, my determination did that, nothing got it my way.  In the past two weeks I let something get in the way, that something changed how I felt about writing here.  I am determined and I still am that I am to write to show everyone that change is possible.  It was and is good for me to write in other places that is just for me, sometimes we need to be able to just lay it all out in one place than leave it there.  That's what I have been doing there... just writing whatever comes to mind.

But by doing that, I have spent upwards of two hours at a time just writing about growing up, being a single mom twice, once when I was younger, another when I was older, the rape... on and on... whatever comes to mind.  I just say it all, all my feelings no matter what they are, they just come out.  The process has been interesting and hard, lots of emotions come out, some that I never suspected.  I purge it all though, in the writing so that I don't carry it with me anymore.  I want my insides to match my outsides... I am not far from my goal and I know that I look so much better than I even I thought I could.

I am grateful that I have gained self confidence before I even get to my goal weight, I learned I had to love myself no matter what weight I was at, that was the only way I would never accept less for myself in the future.  I knew I was on the right path when I got the a ha moment from it this summer, it was realizing that I never knew my worth and how I plan never to lose that again.  I don't plan to ever gain the weight back but if I did, I would still know my worth.  Once I saw my worth, that is when I gained my confidence... that was when I started expecting more.
I have a list of things I want in a man and although they may be difficult to reach, I think he is out there, he is just going to have to work harder than most to wow me... I told a friend that earlier and I meant it.  I think he is out there, time will tell but until then I am not hanging with guys that are not worth my time.  I am spending more time looking after myself, continuing with the exercise and weight loss, finishing my two courses to have my PCP so that I can run payroll anywhere down the road if I wanted to... it is always good to have options.

I may only write here sporadically, sometimes often, sometimes not... it will all depend on what time I have after I have done the things I need to do, exercising, writing in the other blog (which is where my book will come from) and getting my PCP (payroll compliance practitioner) through work.  There is only so much of me and my time to go around.  Also, I am looking at getting a councilor... I need to find someone who will challenge me, not be entertained by me.  Somehow I will have to fit that into my busy life but it is important, so I am making that top priority.. I am making me top priority. 

Better Than The Day Before

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I spent two hours typing in the other blog yesterday and the day before, it is amazing what comes out of you when you just say what you feel no matter what, the only person that can judge you is yourself and I have come too far to judge myself that harshly.  I have made many mistakes over the years, some of them had bigger consequences depending on the incident.  What I came away with after I had written as much as I could write, was that although I have made mistakes, I have grown... lately I have grown in leaps and bounds.

No matter how difficult things are going in my life and currently they are not great... I see that I have a determination and commitment that I have never really had before.  I love that I am still so focused... I have a goal to get to for my weight and a goal to become the best me... Frankly the old me would have thrown the towel in and just gone to town with the food, not caring, just numbing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore, I always want to be cognizant of what I am eating...

When I say things are not great lately, I mean they are just so up in the air... I feel like I am just tying to get my feet under me but another thing comes along to add to the pile.  I have some great things happening, I am still losing weight and this week I didn't even put the effort in other than the food part which I followed.  I still managed to lose 1.6 pounds with minimal exercise... I can just imagine what I would have lost if I had put in the effort... Next week I am going exercise since I miss it so much, it is such a great way to get rid of tension... it is a good place to work things out.

I think writing the last few nights have helped me to see a couple of my issues in another light, frankly I have been overwhelmed by a few things which affects other areas of my life.  After writing last night I knew that when I exercised even when I felt this way, I would always feel better for putting forth the effort.  This last week I have had one thing come up after another so I wasn't able to make it out to the gym, those were only excuses though.  I didn't put the effort in, I should have bypassed some of those and just did it... I have that fire back inside.  I am looking forward into getting in some form of exercise tomorrow.
I planned to walk at lunch today but it poured rain, so I will attempt this all again tomorrow.  I am not giving up on myself, I am not sliding backwards.  Life may have just thrown me a dozen loops or more but I am not giving into the stress and allowing myself to ever go back.  I want better, I want more... I deserve more.  My body misses exercise, I miss pushing myself beyond my limits... I remember wondering how people could walk a mile in under 15 minutes... now I do it all the time.  Especially when I am pushing myself, it feels good to get out and get rid of some stress along the way.

I was thinking, I need a friendly little contest or competition, since I am highly competitive it would get me out exercising again.  I will have to come up with some idea in the next day or so, it would be fun to complete again.   I could be at my goal weight for January, the latest February... I am getting excited, I can hardly wait to see how I look when I get there and see how I feel.  Already I feel amazing losing 61 and half pounds and all in five months... I can just imagine how much better I will be feeling once the other 20-25 pounds is gone. 

Time for me to exhale again... I have been holding my breath waiting for the next awful thing to happen... tonight I am going to look for the next good thing and I am going to make good things happen.  I am not going to be defined by my past, I have moved away from that, I have made changes and I have learned a lot of hard lessons.  I have lost a great deal, more than I thought I could handle... I am still here though, still wanting to be better than the day before, isn't that all we can do...

The Easier Path Is Always There

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Have you ever been so sad, frustrated or just feeling out of control?  It's not the best way to feel, I just said one of my new motto's, 'I'm done' ... what does this mean?  It means I am done with feeling this way and one way is changing some of those things that bring out those emotions.  Just keeping what is good, this week has been lax due to my not getting any sleep.  I had to go to great measures but I finally got a couple of good nights.   I had to turn off all electronics and I signed out of everything so that I couldn't just start surfing when my mind would start racing with thoughts.

Now since I finally had two decent nights together I can see things more clearly, I was so in the middle of the feelings that Monday night I was going up and down with moods as I had not slept in weeks properly.  I didn't exercise much last week, I felt the excuses coming on and they won out for most of the week... That is going to change, Monday I am back out with strength training, walking and swimming, at least three days of strength training, three of walking and two of swimming.  That way I will be out to the center 5 nights per week, Saturday will be for relaxing, cleaning, grocery shopping.. Sunday for church and lots of rest.
I have to focus on something and it might as well be my weight loss journey, I am sure it will take a fair bit long to get the last 25 pounds off, I am still very dedicated but now I am looking forward to becoming stronger and firmer... I love my body now but it will even look better once I tone it up some, losing the weight gave me a self confidence that I had unknowingly lacked.  Now people act differently with me and I think it is funny strange... I don't play their game.  If I am to ever date again, it will be iffy as I am not out actively pursuing  it, however; I did leave my profile up on the dating site.  So if some man wants to work hard and prove he is worth my time... I might give him a chance....

I am very busy, I don't have time to waste on guys that just come and go, if they are worth it they will realize I am worth it too... otherwise I am not willing to put in the time without seeing effort on their part.  It also means changing some other aspects, I am going to have to make a goal of writing for an hour each day, I am starting a second private blog It's where I will be able to write whatever I like, then can start organizing it into a book.  I am going to focus on the weight loss aspect but other things will be brought into it because issues in my life got me to the point I wanted to do something about my weight through both food and exercise.
The biggest point I want to get out there is that age means nothing at all, once you make the decision to get healthy it is  possible... you just have to become dedicated to yourself.  That's not a bad thing, if not our own selves then who? There isn't anyone that can get us to work out but us... I miss that commitment I had in the beginning, I have kept up but not to that degree.  That's why I am making some new changes this week. I have two paths in front of me, one looks easier than the other... I decided to take the more challenging path, the easier one is always there...