What Do I Want For 2014...

What do I want for the New Year?  To conquer my fears, one after the other, I don't want them to control how I feel.  This year I have a list of items, all culminating into something bigger than I have ever done. It starts with me committing to getting in the best shape of my life, then starting on completing my payroll compliance courses so that I will have options.  I am zip lining this year, even if I have to bus it back and forth, although it would be more fun to do with a friend. After that, the sky is the limit.

I met him, he is nice... we have another date on New Years Eve, not exactly sure what we are doing, we are making more solid plans tomorrow.  He's going to stay with a friend of his in Halifax so that he doesn't have to drive back so late that night.  It should be fun, just hanging out getting to know each other. Also, a great way to start off 2014.  Regardless of how it all goes, it has been nice being attracted to someone, I was beginning to wonder if that would ever happen again and it did... and it will again.
I probably won't write again until after the New Year, work will be keeping me very busy for the next couple of days and then I have my date with him.  He told me he considers himself lucky to get to know me, I smiled.  Then I will be back to work and year end will be in full swing, it is the time of year all payroll people do not look forward to.  I have decided that this year will be a year of change for me, since change is inevitable, I am going to embrace it and see how far it gets me.

I have written, rewritten and rewritten this paragraph again and again, why?  Because I wonder how it will be taken or interpreted... Where I plan to make 2014 a year that I embrace change, I really think that 2013 was a year of loss, some good losses... like losing the weight and gaining self esteem and self worth. However; I lost some things that I am not sure I can replace... What I really want to do is start my 2014 off on the right foot, some things can stay back in 2013 but others I hope come through 2014 with me...

Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you all have a blessed year that brings love, joy and happiness <3

2013 And Beyond

Christmas day 2013 is over, Valentina and I had a lovely and quiet holiday this year, she was up early and excited about all her gifts.  She is one of those children that is very happy with whatever she gets, she is a very grateful little girl.  Most of her gifts entailed jewelry this year, all kinds of kits to make her own too and of course she is into make up these days as well.  We had a nice dinner and I didn't bother counting calories, I didn't go over board but I allowed myself to indulge a little... Christmas is about having fun and relaxing, the New Year is just around the corner, I am looking forward to all that it will bring.

So, update on the date... he doesn't live in the city, we had freezing rain in both places last Saturday so it was postponed until this weekend... So far the weather looks like it will be good in both places, we are tentatively speaking about meeting on Friday night.  Hopefully the weather will co operate and we will be able to meet to see if we are as attracted to one another as we seem to be.... Either way I am sure it will be a fun night out of getting to meet someone new.
One week from today the new year will have been rung in, I think this is one of those years I am looking forward to saying good bye to, other than losing the weight ... it has not been a good year.  There were just too many incidents that out weighed the good... maybe it wasn't that there were too many incidents, more like there were bigger issues to have to deal with than I thought I could handle.  I have to say one thing here, I don't like the saying that 'we are never given more than we can handle', I am paraphrasing that.  This year I feel like I was given way more than I could handle and I haven't dealt with the challenges as well as I had hoped.

Losing the weight and becoming healthy was one of the best things I have ever done for myself... I wish I hadn't taken so long to put exercising and eating correctly together, however; even though it took me some time... I am glad I finally got to that crossroads and took on the challenge to become the best me.  I am excited for 2014 and continuing on my healthy plan to take off the last 20 pounds or so that I want to lose. I am aware that it will take making a goal, having dedication and exercising.... the great thing is that I actually love exercising and I see this as a way of life in the future.  I remember wondering if I would ever love exercising but I found my niche (walking) and when I did, it helped me to stay with my goals.
I know that loss in the sad form is something we all have to deal with in our lives ... this year it seemed like there was one loss after the other, each one became more difficult to handle.  One came along and it almost took me down, I don't sleep well to begin with but I rarely slept for months following this loss.  I still don't sleep through a full night, I am actually lucky if I can rest for more than 2-3 hours at a time... this doesn't help me to deal with the challenges I have to handle... sleep would go a long way to helping me... I have been learning to deal with the lack of rest, I wish I could find a way to handle the other challenges I have been given.

I guess that 2013 was a year of change and a year of growth, although these types of years can be overwhelming and challenging... in the long run they can turn out to be the greatest years. It is not easy seeing that, especially since I am still in the middle of all of the changes... I am hoping in 2014 that I will be able to look back and know that everything worked out for the best and I might even be able to be thankful for each challenge I was given...

Inspiration With New Possiblites

I've been inspired to write a letter a week about different parts of my life for one year.  Different events and people that changed my life, either good or bad.  Different life lessons I've learned... I was getting overwhelmed with how to start my book and this came to me.

I write better in letters, I think some of them will be lengthy... some shorter.  I feel so ready to write... I even have certain events... starting with my weight loss... back to the fire... a book from the present to the past, I want to start out with the weight loss and how I gained my life back by deciding to love myself enough to really believe I deserved to be healthy and active, I am after all just 50.  When I set out to lose the weight, I had no idea how much self esteem and self worth I would gain.

I hope that it is able to inspire other people, especially people at my age who think that it's impossible, nothing is impossible... only what our brain limits us to, I no longer want to be limited like I was in the past.  As you all know I have been dealing with some difficult challenges, one of them has come to a conclusion and frankly as much as I thought in the past that I would fall apart, I think I was numb when that challenge came along.  The end result came quickly and I easily let it pass.  The other trial is not one I can just say oh well, I somehow have to figure out how to make that one right.  Someone asked me how long I would wait to see it right, I said for the rest of my life.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to live, I have the other 20 pounds I want to lose, I am going to complete my PCP by the summer and then I have a really big idea of something I want to do but that is down the road.  Oh and I am going on a date on Saturday, he seems sweet.. he's been a gentlemen ... my side that has a hard time trusting wonders if he might be too good to be true.  Anyhow, I will find out Saturday, I am tentatively hoping he is as nice as he is coming off.  I think it will be great to be attracted to someone again, for the past two years I have not been the least bit interested... I think my heart had to have time to heal a little.
I'm still not sure I am ready to love yet but I will never know if I don't try... My heart is leery but this guy has kind of peaked my interest ... which is new to me.  Anyhow, I am taking my time, meeting him for a hot chocolate and talking, then go from there.  So, I am not living in the past and I most definitely don't have my head in the clouds about my future, I am living today... making goals and working on things, I see a lot of improvement.  I am grateful to have some goals and getting my passion back ... I had lacked that part of me for a long time. 

I hope everyone is in the festive mood and getting their last minute things done so that you can enjoy Christmas with your family and friends.  I am getting there, I will just take a couple nights next week and get it all done, I am looking forward to relaxing and watching Christmas shows and movies with Valentina, it is just not Christmas until I have watched it's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and How the Grinch Stole Christmas... plus we have had snow, so it looks like it might even be a white one. I had planned to read my blogs tonight but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I am a bit more refreshed, I had an hour and half chat with the guy I am meeting on Saturday.. so now it is time for sleep. 


Always Reaching

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Before I was going to write last night, I thought I might get to my reading list but I ended up deciding to write first, then have an early night and sleep in hopefully... then get into my reading.  Do you sometimes find that with each good thing we get into our life, something else happens to complicate it?  I know I have to deal with challenges, otherwise I will never grow to my potential but sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good. 

Here is the good and actually I would say it was the great... as of today, I am in One der land, I have not seen a number on a scale that did not have a two in front of it for almost 30 years of my life.  When I think about that, I feel sad for that girl from the past, I had no self worth or self esteem... I definitely tried a few times over the years to lose the weight.  I was successful at times but I never got under the elusive 200, that is always the tough number... in the past I gave up and put the weight back on, today I pushed through and I reached my second goal, the first one being losing 50 pounds. To date I have lost 70 pounds, I have maybe another 20 pounds to take off.
That was a wonderful thing that happened to me in this year because with the weight loss, I started to gain my self esteem back and then came my self worth.  When I look in the mirror today, I like the body image I see... I think the last time I really did that was when I was 16, after that I just gained the weight year after year, losing some... gaining back more.  What is different about this time you might be thinking, that would be the exercising that I am doing along with eating healthy.  As well, I want it... I am dedicated and I am not letting anything get in my way.

Then along comes the challenges that I am really not going to get into because no one can make them right for me... suffice to say I sometimes wonder how I am still standing.  I remember when I was 16 years old and my grandmother told me how she thought I was one of the most tenacious people she knew.  It stuck with me as my nan wasn't one to hand out compliments very often, she was very kind and sweet though.  I remembered that through each challenge I have had, I have held on with tenacity.

I am beginning to believe I had to go through all that to be able to handle the ones I have been given this year.  Unfortunately it isn't just one... but that is life, I have to figure out how to find the joy from the pain that will eventually make me stronger than I am today.  I know this because every time I have dealt with something overwhelming I have been sure I could not handle the pain but I did of course and I became stronger.  That is why at the moment although it seems like I have been handed one too many things to deal with, in reality I just have to figure out a way through them... So I can see what I should be reaching for next.

My Highs And Lows

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Some decisions are nasty no matter what way you look at them, either way was a lose lose for me... Anyway I can't go back and change my mind now, I just have to keep hoping that one day it will feel like it was worth it.  I know this time of year is really rough for a lot of people, including me... until a couple of years ago, Christmas was great but a stressful time of year.  I looked forward to cooking, baking and decorating... last year that changed and this year does not seem better.  I have decided that this week I am going to focus on Christmas, get the tree decorated and get my Christmas shopping done and wrapped.

Then the following week I can do my cleaning done and get my grocery shopping done.  I think with a plan in place now I can finally get into the spirit of the season.  I want 2014 to be the year I change even more for the better, I know I can't wait for this year to be over, it was a year of loss... both good and bad.  Both of which were at the really high end and the really low end of emotions, kind of like a roller coaster...  the highs and lows left me feeling somewhat like I have just ridden one of them.

For the past two weeks I have been a little lax with my food, having a few things here and there that I shouldn't have but that has changed in the past couple of days.  I am not going to allow anything to get in my way of continuing on my weight loss, I don't have very much left to lose and I have a renewed excitement for it ...  I didn't go overboard by any means, I ate enough that I only lost one pound in the past 2 weeks, which is still good on it's own. So I cut myself a break for the last two weeks, since I was dealing with something.

I also got out last night and had a great walk, it only took 15 minutes either way but I power walked there up hill, it felt great and then walking home it was snowing and I ended up testing out running in the snow and that felt amazing.  I actually ran further in the snow than I have on dry pavement... I wasn't even out of breath, I only stopped because I was home.  I feel very lucky to be in the health that I am, six months ago I barely walked for more than five minutes at a time, now I love those challenging hills and the occasional runs.
I know exercising evens me out, I expend so much energy on a walk/jog that I exhaust myself, in a good way.  Lately I am not getting those great walks in and I miss them, last night showed me I can still keep up with walking even in the winter... I just have to watch out for ice and I need to layer up properly like Fitness Cheerleader says.  I am amazed at how much I have physically changed my body in six months, if I had known what I could have done in six months... I would have done it many years ago.  That is why I have decided to make some other changes now, so that they will be accomplished before the the next year is out.

I don't know when I gave up having goals when I was younger but life became more about the day to day mundane things, I want more than that now... more than just getting by.  The only way it is going to get better is if I decide to make it better.  So I have made that choice, I believe having goals is something that will help keep me directed on this path I am on now.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to lose so much to gain other things.  Wishing won't change things though, as Oprah says, forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

Jumping Off The Fence

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I had to take a deep breath to relax myself tonight, first I haven't slept more than 3 hours for the past two nights as I have had a lot on my mind... I have been thinking about the issue that is getting in the way of me sleeing, just being grateful if I have one night of sleep a week.  I have not been able to sleep well for the past 10 years but it is really the past 2 months or so that I have had this much difficulty.  It's because I didn't want to make a decision one way or the other, I'm always afraid of not making the right one.  I thought it was easier living in limbo... since either decision was not going to make me happy.

Normally a decision is cut and dry, this one is the complete opposite. This decision makes me sad either way, for the past two months I held out hoping I didn't have to decide.  However; something has become crystal clear to me in the last week and made me realize that I had to decide on the easiest one of them.  Although I dare anyone to find either one of them easy.  I just know that I have to do something, otherwise in a year... I will be in the same place that I am now.  I honestly don't want that for myself, that is why I finally made a choice.
I think the fact that I made a choice will help me to able to sleep... my mind has been racing for the past two months, rarely letting me rest... it's time to make a change.  Much like I made when I committed to getting healthy and losing the weight, it wasn't easy in the beginning, it was a lot of hard work but it paid off and it is still paying off today.  Hopefully this choice will pan out the same way.  I realized another thing too, I am not ready to date, I really thought I was... I am not saying I won't be ready in the very near future but for today and probably until the end of this year I think I will put that idea on a shelf.

I know that I deserve someone amazing, I have self worth and self esteem... I was talking to that guy from the other day.  He said it is scary to date and I said I didn't think it was scary at all but I did think it was scary to fall in love again.  He questioned me if I was really ready to date since I wasn't sure I wanted to fall in love again.  I knew he was right, I am at the point in my life that although I want that crazy and amazing love that comes from letting go and giving your whole heart to someone and having to trust they won't hurt you.  I am going to need some time to get through the repercussions of this decision I have made.
Either way I was going to need the time, then I will be ready to put myself out there and finally meet that guy I am worthy and deserving of, I believe that kind of love exists.. I see that with people that I know, so I know it can happen... it just has to be in the right place and right time. Lately I have been wishing that I could go back and change one day... so many things would be different right now but the truth is in that song The Dance, I was better off not knowing, otherwise I might not have had some really truly amazing experiences. Although extremely painful now, I am glad I didn't miss the experience...

It's time for me to get out of limbo and finally jump off the fence one way or the other...

Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...
I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.
Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.