Healing Myself From The Inside Out

I have had a very emotional ride the last few days... truthfully if I am being honest I have had an emotional ride for a long time. I read a blog the other day that made me think about how many of us portray ourselves a certain way to the public and where things are much different privately. I feel like I am a pretty honest and open person but sometimes I hold back because I think most people don't want to hear the sad things because they have their own problems and they just want to hear uplifting and happy things.

I can understand not wanting to hear sad things all the time, I personally don't want to be around negativity all the time... however; sometimes we need to be able to say how things really are.... last week someone told me that I seemed much happier than I used to be... I looked them in the eyes and told them the truth, no... I am not any happier than I was... I couldn't keep pretending because the truth is that I am sad a lot of the time.
However; I explained to them as I am going to explain to you... I have been sad for a very long time and for most of that time I looked outside of myself for ways to heal the sadness... I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be happy again because I do remember what it was like to be happy and full of joy... In the last few months I am no longer looking outside of myself ... I have been looking within... So, yes I may not be as happy as I want or feel the joy I know I am capable of feeling but I do feel like I am on the right path.

I feel like I have a much better chance of feeling joy and happiness where I am at now as to where I was at before... I know that I have many people that care about me... I definitely feel that but on my sad days or disappointing days I have a hard time even seeing that... Having a strong foundation of friends is not always enough sometimes, I know that I have to have a strong foundation within myself ... no one can truly make me happy, it has to come from within myself.
That is why I finally decided to stop looking outside of myself to heal me... it wasn't working, it never truly did, it was just a bandage to cover the pain. So, although I am still sad a lot of the time, I am no longer looking for a bandage to cover the pain, I am searching for why I feel like this and looking for ways to heal myself from the inside out...
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Soaring Higher Than My Dreams

I spent this week reflecting on the changes I have made and the ones I want to work on in the very near future... When I look at how far I have come, I am both surprised and grateful... Not that I didn't think I could make all the changes I have made because even though I fell many times I never stopped getting back up and believing in myself... I often wondered if I would just get out of my own way and allow myself to soar like I knew I could. 
For some reason I put my own road blocks up, I often become fearful of how much I can soar, how far I am really capable of actually going... I saw a little of that fear this week when I decided on a whim to go for a two mile walk and I realized I didn't have my headphones with me. I was tempted to go back and grab them but I only had a set amount of time so I decided to go without them. It was then that I understood how much I used the music so that I could zone out and not think... that was eye opening... for the 30 minutes I walked/jogged I had nothing to cover up my thoughts... I actually had to be present with myself...
I thought a lot about why I seemed to need sounds, like music or talking... why I didn't want the quiet.... The quiet allowed me to really think deeply about certain changes I needed and wanted to make but didn't seem willing to do as I was always finding excuses. One of them was how I want to meditate, I kept thinking about how I never have the time for this... I know I certainly do not want to get up any earlier than I already do but while I walked I remembered a time a couple of years ago where I kept talking about how I wanted to exercise and I wondered where I would find the time. 

Not even two years later I have seen that I just needed to shift my priorities and make the time for what is really important. I spend about 5-7 hours per week exercising and I don't feel like I am squeezing it in to my life, it is part of my life that I couldn't imagine not doing anymore. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to push myself beyond what I thought I was capable of... and seeing that all the changes I often wondered were possible become a reality. 

So now, I need to make meditating a part of my life by just doing it... I had a quiet weekend where I was able to keep the noise level down which is not always possible with a tween in the household but if I want to make changes, true changes I need to find the way to make them happen. I am the only one who can make them happen, no one can do the work for me, no one can make those decisions for me... I am accountable to me...
Although I may stumble, I will not stay down or give up on myself... I have come too far to ever go back to where I was... I read a really wonderful blog this week from a woman I know personally... she has changed her life and lost a great deal of weight by making herself a priority... she talked about how she loved her 40+ year old body that was able to move even though she had spent many years being sedentary ... it made me think about how much I love my 51 year old body that I neglected for far too many years, yet it proves to me daily that it can change if I am willing to make the changes needed... 

Now I need to make the time for meditating the way I did for exercising... I know if I take the time to clear my mind through meditation, I can soar even higher than I ever dreamed...
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Life Doesn't Get Easier, You Just Get Stronger

I lost focus this week because of disappointments, you would think I would know better by now but I am human, no matter how much I want to always rise above my challenges and disappointments just like that, it isn't that easy... some days I need to take the time and deal with the feelings and emotions of having life not work out the way I had hoped. What did I learn from it? I learned life doesn't get easier, I just get stronger.
It's okay that I take a step back but I have to decide if I am going to be stronger than the lesson or if I am going to give into it... I don't want to give into it, I have done that in the past. It didn't bring me happiness, I only thought it did at the time... This whole week I thought, life isn't fair... other people attain their dreams why not me? I know that sounds selfish and I don't like to sound that way, nor do I want to feel that way... Disappointment has a way of allowing me to feel that way, even though I know that absolutely no one has it easy. 
Just because I look at someones life and I think they have it all together, past experience has taught me that is crap, that's a lie... no one has it easy, no one has all that they desire or wish for... if they did, they would have nothing left to work towards. How boring would that be? The truth is that even though disappoints hurt more than I can ever convey, they also teach us something about ourselves. 

The real question is if I want to learn from it?... it means really looking deep inside myself and changing a part of myself bit by bit... It cannot all be changed overnight, that would be too much to deal with all at once. I have the choice of walking away and giving up but frankly that has never helped me grow, giving up always made things worse because the lesson comes back, bigger and stronger... I either take the time to learn from it now... or I learn from it the harder way later on.
This week taught me that I can either have excuses or I can make changes, I cannot have both, that is sitting on the fence and that isn't possible. There is no standing still, we are either moving forward or we are going backwards... and I don't want to go backwards anymore... I have learned the trip back is only more difficult than if I kept going forward to begin with.

Yes I have had huge disappointments and challenges many people would never want... but so has everyone else... and when I think about some of the other challenges other people have to deal with, I am grateful that I don't have them... Regardless of how many disappointments I have to deal with in the future, at least I know my worth and not everyone can say that... So, even though life doesn't get easier, I am thankful I am getting stronger.
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Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.
So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.
When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.
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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.
So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.
I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....
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