Looking Back On My Year 2012‏

We all inevitably look back on the past year, take a moment to ponder how we handled certain challenges and tragedies, mostly how did we handle the good times. Did we really remember how blessed we are? 

You would think by my last few posts that I don't seem to remember that I'm blessed but that's not true.  I know that I'm blessed, I have SO much to be grateful for. When I count my blessings, it always amazes me how lucky I am and have been.

Although I don't have very good memories of 2012, I know that down the line I will grow from all of this.  I never give up, I always find a way to keep going.  Then just when I think I'm satisfied with my life, something wonderful happens to show me that life is not all about sadness. 

Although this year challenged me more than any other year that I can remember; I can honestly say that I'll never trade any of the beautiful memories that led up to 2012.  There were times that I questioned whether they were worth the pain that followed. 

No matter what road life leads me to in the future, I'll never regret those amazing few months of 2011. I was honestly never happier in my life, I felt whole, complete and I felt I was right where I was supposed to be.

Life had other plans for me, somewhere down the road; I'll know the reason why, it will all make sense.  Until then, I don't plan to think too much about 2012, I want to look towards 2013 and the future. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Turning The Page To My Future‏

I need to turn the page on my past, new experiences could be waiting for me....

You would think that the older that we get, the wiser we'd be, I'm still like that teenager inside.  I still cannot believe some of the choices I have made...  I know Mastin Kipp from 'The Daily Love' says we are not broken, nor do we need to be fixed.  I find that so hard to believe about me...

I know I've had amazing and happy times in my life, I have some lovely memories...  I also have deep dark sobbing sorrow, events I want to forget.  I know, I know, I know... those events made me who I am today and changing them could change who I've become.

I don't want to wallow in the sadness, I don't want to feel lost and lonely...  I want to change, I need to feel happiness more than I feel sadness. 

I'm getting a new phone in a few weeks, the first order of business is new music, I swear I have all the saddest love songs on my Blackberry. I don't need anymore assistance in the sad department.  I'm sure the people on the bus wonder about me daily, I'm usually wiping away tears...

I'm turning the page on that last chapter of my life, I just might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Odd Dream

I had an odd dream last night where I was trying to make a decision and each time I tried to go with what I wanted; I felt pulled to go another way I didn't want to go. That way was final, no doors left open...  I then felt if I listened that what I wanted most would be made available to me.

It was up to me to make the decision...  what do I want?  Do I want true happiness? Or do I want what only brings me joy occasionally?  I have a lot to think about, a lot of ideas need to be weighed out in my mind.

2012 was the year my heart was broken, it will forever be a sad year for me.  I'm looking forward to 2013 and some better times; I've already started My Jar Of Happy Memories with spending Christmas day with Valentina, she's very entertaining company.

That odd dream made me think about some decisions I have to make, I keep waffling as I want things my way.  I don't want to give up because that's like quitting... and I never quit.

The dream, however; made me think that I might not know best; maybe I just have to let go, set myself free and be open to new possibilities...  no it wouldn't be easy, hence why I've not gone there yet, it's going to be hard.  So incredibly hard, I will want to give in every other day...

Life was easier before my odd dream...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Taking A Break to Enjoy The Holidays

I have written a few posts that haven't made it on the blog, it's because my emotions are in a turmoil and my body's in pain. The last thing I wanted to do was post anything too negative as I try so hard to see the good and be positive.

I've been working 10 hour days to make up for missing a day last week.  I'd rather make the time up than lose a day of pay. Since I'm a single mama I don't have that luxury.  Now I'm gone from the house from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm, by the time I get home all I want to do is unwind then sleep.

I have decided to take a short break away from writing my blog, maybe for a week or so.  I'm going to concentrate on making Christmas special for Valentina and getting as much rest as possible.  Although I am going through all this insanity, I am still blessed beyond in many ways.

If I don't blog again before Christmas, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you follow.  I truly pray and wish for everyone to feel pure happiness in their everyday life.  Isn't that what we all really want, just to be happy and always working to better ourselves.

I will definitely be writing a New Year's blog, other than last New Year's where David and I stayed up to ring it in... I usually go to bed, this year I cannot wait to ring out the old year.  Although it has been sad, challenging and difficult, I have to be thankful, I survived and I can see where all of this will help me grow in the future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

It's Just Mind Over Matter, Right?

I know it's been a few days since I've written, I've literally been exhausted in every way possible.  Physically because of my leg and now that I have a cane my shoulder hurts.  Doing the smallest chore takes massive energy that leaves me tired. I have such a deep appreciation for people who live with chronic pain.

I took Friday off work, I slept a lot; actually I slept the better part of the weekend.  I have no energy, I'm forcing myself out to work this week and Christmas shopping. The rest of the time I plan to relax as much as possible. I've not also just been physically exhausted, I'm emotionally exhausted as well.

This year has been tough, especially this last month.  I think I just need to have some me time where I can think some things through.  I'm supposed to get surgery early next year, I plan to write a lot then, I'll be held captive in my house for about two months. Lots of time for me to think and work things through.

Until then I'll be writing as much as possible.  I have so much reading to get caught up on, I miss everyone's blogs. I also have David to worry about, he's going back in for surgery in early January, until then he has a blood clot in his stomach.  I just don't know how I'm going to rest, until I know he's okay.

I'm really hoping to write daily, it will all depend on how much rest I can give my body so that I'll be inspired to write. I do know that some of the most inspirational posts I've written were when I didn't always feel like writing.  This is different, this is because of physical limits though.

It's going to be a very busy week for me, I am working nine and half hour days for the next five days, then I am doing that two days next week to get caught up on my time.  I also have my Christmas shopping to do, which I think I will do on Wednesday, it may not be too busy... hahaha... I am sure it will be a mad house any day I go.  I am not looking forward to walking from one end of the store to another, oh well, I can do it... it's just mind over matter, right?

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

One Year Ago Today My Fantasy Met My Reality‏

I'm probably being mean to myself writing this post since I'm already crying and I have barely started writing it.  Today it has been one year since David came home for Christmas.

I remember waking up early that morning, I wanted a nice long shower so I could try to relax a little. My 'D' was flying home to his daughter Stephanie, his mom and me. I'd only known for sure he was coming for maybe 3 days before.  I remembered lingering under the hot shower, smiling and thinking how I'd never felt so happy in such a long time.

I had to work that day but David and I kept in close contact through texting. I knew when he arrived and left Toronto and when he finally landed in Halifax. I was no good at work that day, especially after my 'D' texted me to come downstairs.  He was standing there with a dozen red roses; I hugged him and I didn't want to let him go.  It felt as wonderful as I dreamed to hold him close to me.

I had to go back to work after that, I was totally unable to concentrate.  I was smiling so much my face was actually starting to hurt a little. All I could focus on was that David was here, he was picking me up after work, I was going to be able to kiss him after 33 years of daydreaming about it. 

It was FINALLY 5:30 and time for me to see David, actually talk face to face, be able to kiss, hold hands, look in each others eyes. We giggled when I got in the car, I know we were both SO happy this day had arrived.  I could barely wait to kiss him, I knew I wasn't going to wait a minute longer. 

I just knew the kiss would be amazing, it was better than every day dream I'd ever had.  It was one of those kisses that gives you butterflies in your belly, weakens your knees and makes you sigh.  Those are few and hard to come by in life, being compatible with kissing is not always easy to find.  I did not have to worry that kiss did not disappoint in the least.

We tried to go out for dinner, instead we went shopping and giggled like teenagers.  I'd be on one side of the store and I'd look across the room, he'd flash me one of his beautiful smiles and I would melt a little more.  We held hands and played with each others fingers, smiling... we were both so ecstatic. 

We came home and we just stood in my hall hugging, it felt like a dream; one I was afraid I would wake up from.  It was real though, I had never felt such joy being so close to David that night in my hall, my 'D' has big arms that make me feel so safe and I rested my head on his chest and heard/felt his heartbeat.

He and I had talked closely for nearly 2 months before this day had finally arrived; it all felt so surreal. That day my fantasy met my reality and for once in my life my reality was SO much better than my fantasy.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Choice Is Mine Whether It's Good Or Bad

First an update on my leg, I finally could not handle the pain, I made an appointment with my doctor.  I saw her this evening, not only did my cholesterol pills leave my legs weak as they can cause major muscle damage.  I was lucky to catch it so early, it has not done long term damage... all my blood work came back excellent.  Also, I have damaged my knee and I will have to use a cane, ugh... nothing like a cane to make you look aged.  I love that I look a good 6 to 8 years younger than I am but I won't look young with a cane.

It should only be for six weeks as she feels it will heal without so much stress on it.  So tomorrow I am off to buy a cane, I need one that makes me look young... lol.  Then I have to get ex rays of my knee and leg and then I get to go to work, what an awesome day I have ahead of me, I can't wait.  Now onto a topic that my sister and I discussed.  

My sister asked me yesterday morning what was worse, using bad addictions (whatever they are) to deal with pain?  Which I don't see that people are all that happy with their addictions, she agreed. Then she said or is it really better to deal with the pain in a good way (by whatever method, ie counseling, exercising, writing) and yet still not be all that happy either.

I'm not even sure how to answer that, just because I have spent this last year working non stop with counseling, blogging, cleanses, mentor groups.  I have worked on a lot of good things this year; it's true I'm further along but I'm still nowhere near as happy as I want to be and know I can be, as I have felt sheer and blissful joy.  I know it exists, so I am always hopeful that I will have it again and soon.

I haven't answered this for myself yet though, I waffle between getting through the pain by all the best methods positively but I don't always succeed and I fall back to those addictions that help to numb me so I don't feel everything so easily, like eating the wrong food, watching TV just so I don't have to think of anything important.  I have done much worse a few years ago but I have learned from those choices... I want to look back in 6 months, a year and see that I have even grown further from this.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What I Am Afraid Of

I'm afraid of heights but I can't wait to zip line as scary as it will be, is as fun as I think it will be. I just have to find someone who drives to go down to the valley to do this with me, hopefully this summer.

I'm afraid of hiding who I am with the most important people in my life. Some of those people judge me, others make me feel like if I don't hide what I am really thinking that I will lose them.  I'm not even sure what is harder; hiding who I am or being judged? 

I guess it's really important who the person is, for example my oldest daughter.  She and I are super close, she's a lot like me when I was younger.  I have mellowed a great deal, I don't see the world in black and white; I see it in full and living color.

She wants me to 'compromise', which means I cannot speak my opinions that are different to hers.  The only reason I have difficulty with this is because I believe we all have a right to our own opinions.  I don't think we need be mean and argumentative about our choices.  I personally won't conduct discussions with anyone who can't respect that other people have different opinions.

That doesn't mean I won't speak to these people, I just talk about different things. The older I get the less I want to have disagreements with other people about things that don't really matter.  Certain things or events in life are not worth disagreeing about.  I think we all need to at least look at the other persons side of things and then agree to disagree and move on.

I'm afraid of losing people from my life.  I understand it is a part of life... friends come and go, even your family moves away, it's not always simple to stay connected even in this world where it seems we are on over load with connections.  Even with all the social media we have, it is still not easy to keep in close contact.  I really believe it is harder because we ARE on media overload...

I am hoping my writing down what I am afraid of that I will turn the light on them and see that none of these fears are fears that I should have... I know what I have to do in all these situations and even though I know what is right, it doesn't make it easy.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Gaining Some Perspective Daily

This year can be summed up in two words for me, lost and lonely. This was the year I did some major soul searching, battled demons of the past to get me to a better place. I'm still on that road, a tiny bit less lost and less lonely.

I waffle daily with all the changes I have to make and stick to, it's been extremely hard.  I make a firm decision then it saddens me and I rethink it over and over. I just have to make those changes whether I think I can handle them or not.  I'm not handling my life the way that it is right now.

Ripping the band-aid off all at once is the right thing to do, right?  Covering the injury will never allow it to heal, right?  Part of me is so looking forward to the end of this year, the other part of me is so very sad that this year ended up the way that it did.

I've been feeling overwhelmed but then I read some blogs and started getting everything into perspective.  There are people who are dealing with massive health issues, depression, loss of careers.  Other than my leg my health is good, although I'm sad, I'm not in a depression and I'm lucky to have a pretty secure job.

Sometimes all we need is a little perspective. I have a friend who cannot understand how people who use or hurt other people seem to get off with it, yet people who are good, giving and kind seem to have it so much harder.  The way I have dealt with that injustice in my life is to let it go, move on and don't think bad thoughts of them... that is the only way to be free.

I just want to be free, I have felt so lost and just wandering around in circles; sometimes I wonder how I hold it all together.  Because inside I'm following apart.  I just needed a little perspective...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Thoughts On Two And A Half Hours Sleep

I was up most of the night last night.  I kept waking up, dozing...  I was so tempted to stay home and rest my leg and get some much needed sleep but as a single working mom, I don't have that choice.

I'm already making up time from missing a Monday, this would only be adding to it more.  If there is anyone who wants 2012 gone now, it's me. I had such high hopes for this year, it just didn't work out the way it should have.

I'm stuck in Nova Scotia when my 'D' is not feeling good.  I want to be there for him, I want to take care of him.  I just sit here worrying and praying that he'll be okay and mostly that he won't have to go back in for surgery again.  It seems like every other person I talk to is having great difficulties... how I wish everyone's load gets a little lighter soon.

I'm trying to stay positive and uplifting, especially with my David. He's finding it difficult to feel good when he keeps having these set backs.  I know how he feels though, my leg starts getting better then I walk somewhere and the pain sets in for a couple of days. It's hard to keep myself up but I don't give up, if I did I would never get out of bed.

I wonder when I'm just going to feel like myself again?  I don't expect perfection, I just want to feel okay.  Battling your health is nasty, I've known how blessed I was, I can't wait to feel that way again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

I Made It Through, It Wasn't Easy

This week is a week of memories for me, one year ago my 'D' was working on coming home for the holidays.  He and I were talking about the future, life was generally falling into place for me. My long time fantasy and dream was about to happen.

David and I were only texting at that point as he was away taking an intense course that he did amazing on.  He studies very hard to do well, he's not afraid of putting in the effort.  Anyhow, I spent the week before cleaning my apartment, just keeping myself busy.

I didn't want any distractions when David finally got there.  I just wanted to relax, talk with him, make plans.  It was a really busy week leading up to that day December 14, 2011.  That week before was also a time to reflect on all the changes that were about to happen.  

I was prepared to downgrade to necessary items since I was preparing to pack up and move to be with David.  I knew with the army that, that could take us anywhere; in the past I would have been afraid but with my 'D' I was excited.

By the end of this year I will be moving on from my past memories of my David.  I'm just going to document them here, I want them available to me always. Last year this time, I wasn't blogging very often, I wrote occasionally when I was struck by certain things, it wasn't until my break up with David when I really started taking blogging more seriously.  I needed to write, I had so much going on with my life and my emotions, I knew that if I didn't write that I might never get through all the pain.

I made it through and it wasn't easy... it was harder than anything I have ever had to deal with!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Committed To My Passion

Yesterday was a good day, especially for my leg, the pain is very manageable, the weakness is still there, just not to the degree that it was. So all in all a good day!

Valentina went up to the ward party and I met her up there, she had an awesome time, that girl is so lovable.  I truly am a lucky mama. I miss Andrea....

I had a bit of a long day, so I just relaxed and decided to write, I wanted to relay an experience I had. I read a blog called The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp that I read everyday. Anyway last week he wrote a post about how he writes even when he doesn't feel like it and how he had just made a commitment to write no matter what.

Anyway, I thought great post and I filed it away in my folder.  I somehow have it coming twice, so I ended up reading it again. I meant to delete the second one but forgot and started reading it for the third time. It finally clicked, I haven't been as committed to my writing, I should be networking more, learning how to make my blog more friendly and easy to read. I want to be more committed to my passion.

The happiness jar that I am starting right away has me feeling more creative, I will be feeling more positive when I am looking for good and uplifting things in my life to write down for memories.  This Christmas is a bit emotional but I want to make it special for Valentina...  she deserves to have an amazing holidays. 

I'm working on those decisions I need to make too... I do wish they were easier to make.  I guess life wouldn't be so rewarding if it was too easy, if it could just be a little bit easier...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield