Happy Birthday To My First Born Daughter

Thirty-one years ago today, I was barely eighteen years old and I became a mommy to my first born daughter Andrea.  She was born on a beautiful sunny Tuesday at 3:11 pm.   I was nervous as I was so young and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I ended up growing up with her and she helped me to become who I am today.

Andrea is a strong willed girl, she is kind, loving and giving.  This girl never followed the pack, she was her own self and blazed her own trail from the time she was a little girl.  I remember a time she was only three years old and she was adamant that she would be picking out her own clothes.  From that day forward she chose her own clothes and look out if I tried to give her some suggestions.

This girl of mine is highly intelligent, she did well in school when she wanted to, most times she was trying to figure out a way to not got to school.  This was our biggest argument over the years.  I really shouldn't have worried because once she found a career she was interested in, she had a 3.9 average in college.  She is now a Graphic Art Designer and amazing at this profession.  I am really proud of her.

Because I was such a young single mother, many people judged Andrea and thought she would end up just like me, I knew better though, she was smarter than that, she held out for the whole dream.  She met Paul on line when she was seventeen years old, they talked on line and on the phone for nearly a year, he flew up her to meet her and  when she was nineteen she moved to Wisconsin to be with Paul.   Lots of people worried, I didn't, I knew that if she stayed longer than three weeks that she and Paul would be together.

I was right, she married Paul in a beautiful ceremony on August 18, 2007.  These two were made for each other, they are each others soul mate.  I love how happy she is and how strong willed she is; this trait was difficult as a child but it is what helped her become the amazing woman she is today.

Then on July 18th, 2011 she and Paul welcomed there first son Jackson into their family.  She is an amazing mommy as I knew she would be and Paul is a wonderful Daddy.  My first born grandson is an adorable and happy child, I love getting little videos and pictures of him.  I can barely wait to see him face to face one day soon.

I am a very happy and thrilled mother, my daughter did not allow herself to become a statistic, she proved she was stronger than this and waited for the whole dream.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


A Heartfelt Thank You To My Readers

I wanted to take this time tonight to thank each and every person who has ever read my blog, I am in awe of how much it has grown in a very short time.  When I started this blog out in July 2009, I did it to give myself a voice.  I had been closed up for  a little over eight years because I had let Andrey my ex have control over me and than when he raped me, I really went inward... finally a little over a year after the rape, I started this blog.  I wasn't consistent,  I didn't try to promote it, I mostly wrote for myself.

Then in January of this year I was sent an email from a blogging community and so I joined up, then of course by this time I had reconnected with my David and we had just ended up becoming friends, although I wanted so much more.  My heart was up and down for the past nine months but this blog helped me because as I wrote, I met other bloggers and followed them and learned so much. 

So nine months ago I had one follower... today I have 121 (WOW!!!) and from July 2009 until mid January 2012, I had 3000 hits on my blog, eight months later I have a little over 21,000 hits.  That is incredible to me:).  I have met and come to know so many people through this community of ours and I feel blessed to have met all of you. I enjoy each and everyone of your comments, thoughts and prayers for me.

I know I can be really up and really down, when I am down... I know I am hard to be around, I'm a girl who wears my heart on my sleeve, I say how I feel.  I can't hide it, I am also the girl who loves with my whole heart, I give what I love all of me. I laugh out loud, hysterically when something is funny.. I don't hold back with anything.  I am always trying to better myself, I want to stand face to face with my fears and overcome each one of them so that they will become strengths in my life.

Most of all, I want to really learn to love myself.  I want to give myself a break, I want to be as compassionate to myself as I am to others.  I don't want to judge myself, I don't understand why I do this with myself when I work so hard to not judge others.  I want to exude love so that love will be attracted to me.

 "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

“The heart wants what it wants – or else it does not care.” — Emily Dickinson

This phrase above has been running through my mind half of this evening, so much so that I had to Google it... I know I saw it in a movie one time and it frustrates me that I couldn't remember.  Anyhow, when I looked it up on line, I could only find this one above and the one I remember was 'The heart wants what the heart wants' or the other suggestion was that Woody Allen said it and let me tell you, I didn't hear it in a movie of his as he is one director that I detest.  I am not a fan of his movies.

Anyhow, I digress, apparently quite easy for me, I can lose my train of thought just like that, it's from fatigue. So, this thought has been on my mind, it is amazing how our heart controls so much of our thoughts, I can make myself think of other things and then my heart takes over with heart thoughts.  It is there to remind me that even though I am trying to cut of feeling that my heart is always there to remind me that there is always something to feel. 

Just the little things like crunchy leaves in the Fall, crisp white snow in the winter, colorful flowers in the spring and clear blue skies in the summer.  When I let my heart take over, I go on a journey of love... I see beauty around me that is breath taking, I see love in the smallest of places.  It reminds me that I can have that, I just have to believe I deserve it.  The thing is we all do, we all deserve to have love in our lives.

The thing about my heart is that she lets me get out of control, I begin to love so strongly and powerfully and while it is an amazing feeling... there is nothing like that feeling from any other source.  It is also a far way to fall when you feel it slip away, as is always true, the heart wants what the heart wants, if she can't get that feeling again, nothing else will do.

I talked to someone the other day about opening myself back up to the opportunity for love... you know what I decided, if it happens that would be okay, if it doesn't I won't be devastated.  I am afraid of allowing it for only one reason because I know myself well, very well.  I am not one to hurt another person but if my heart could have what she wants, she would take the opportunity in a flash.  Nothing would hold me back, she's dedicated and loyal to what she wants.

My mind however; thinks it would be very unfair of me to enter into anything I could not commit my whole heart and soul to, that is why this quote was on my mind tonight.  If anyone reading this has any idea what movie this quote from, can you message me below, it will bug me for a long time, lol.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

You Need Tenacity To Have Faith

This quote reminded me of why I took a walk down memory lane...   I walk down memory lane because I love running into you.

I was in a strange mood Monday night which turned into Tuesday morning.  I almost didn't put up my last post but my blog is about how I feel at any given moment. I was truly disappointed that although life has proven to me time and again that it's unfair, I still seem to have this crazy faith that eventually it can work out.

This faith hasn't helped me to stop being hurt. Yet I keep holding on, what is it that is inside of me that is unwilling to give up that someday, life might actually be fair?   When has it ever been fair for anyone? 

I'm not the only one with challenges, I'm aware of that. I'm not so selfish that I don't see people suffering.  Cindy, my long time friend and sitter, her health is so bad, it's scary. Each day seems worse than the last.

David, who's 21 year old son has had a stroke and who doesn't seem to be getting better.  No father should ever have to deal with this pain that involves their children.  Many people do, that is incredibly sad.

I can see why faith is hard to hold on to.   It's almost overwhelming...  yet I still feel the need to have hope and believe.  With my faith as with others, we believe this Earth life is a testing ground, to see what we are made of.

You can't spell 'testimony' without spelling the word 'test' first! ~ Darryl Easterling

Each time I want to throw in the towel and say I've had enough, something keeps me holding on.  My tenacity?  Is that always a good trait?  Is it serving me well? 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


Well, I'm not melancholy or sad anymore, I'm feeling a bit indifferent at the moment.  That is not me, it takes a lot to get me in that mood because I always try to be cheerful even when I'm sad, I constantly work on overcoming sad feelings I may have.

Right now I'm questioning everything I've ever known.  I am disappointed with myself, I really thought I knew better.  I mean have I not lived a life where I've never been settled.  From having to live with my abusive ex step mother Ruth, to being a single mom, to marrying Andrey who later raped me.

Where in that story could anyone see that I could still trust?  Why in the world would I want to or better yet how could I want to?  It boggles my mind that I could take those kinds of chances in the past.  Tonight I came to a realization where my eyes were opened and what I saw made me feel stupid.  I'm not saying I'm stupid, I'm not (this just made me feel that way).  I just don't like finding out that what I believed and what is real, are two different things.

How could anyone who professes to care for another human being, act one way than do things the opposite.  It doesn't make sense to me, I can't fathom a reason, this is why I'm becoming indifferent.  I don't even know what is real or true anymore?  What I lack now is trust in myself and trust in other people.

I need to talk to David, really talk to him; he always centers me and talks straight to me.  I need some of that open talk where he helps me figure things out.  He's so busy right now, he has a huge exercise that he is preparing for and than he will be gone for a couple of weeks. I don't want to wait for almost a month to talk to him, I need to get out of this mood, the sooner the better.

Anyway, last night has given me lots to think about and decisions to make. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Emotions Are A Facade

I was thinking how I've covered my feelings so well and buried my emotions.  Yesterday was proof that although I thought I'd been handling it well, that was all a facade.  At least when I fall apart now it is only for a short time, it has an ending.

In the past, falling apart meant wondering if I could ever feel happiness again. Now I see that things will improve in the same day, usually the same hour.   Yesterday was a little longer, I let myself fly solo down memory lane.  I sometimes think it is so cruel of myself to let myself go there when I know it will bring me sadness and pain.  Then I think if I don't figure out a way to deal with it, I'll never be truly happy with myself.

I keep thinking that Heavenly Father wants me to know that He loves me and that I'm supposed to have joy in my life.  I find this all so difficult when I bury memories instead of dealing with them.  I buried them for a reason though, I couldn't handle them, it hasn't got any better. How am I ever going to deal with them if the tears never stop when I think of certain memories?  Maybe it's just too soon, hopefully I'll be ready one day.

Today has been a better day but that's only because I didn't allow myself to think, I kept myself very busy at work.  I am really grateful for work, it is challenging and it keeps my mind off my personal life which is a mess at the moment. 

I just keep trying to figure out how I can make certain areas of my life work?  When it comes to my job, although it is beyond challenging, I make that work.  It can be highly stressful but it works for me because I love my job, I love to help clients with their issues and I gain a great deal of satisfaction from solving the issues they have. 

Also, although my house is in a massive disarray at the moment, I know the potential it has and I am truly thankful for the place I have to live.  When I went apartment hunting for this place, I had written a list of what I wanted... within 2 months I found this place.   Everyone said I could not find what I wanted for the price.  I proved them wrong.

If I could just make my personal life work...  that always hinges on other people though...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Memories, May Be Beautiful And Yet

My all time favorite movie is 'The Way We Were', I remember seeing it when I was young (maybe 12 or 13).  The ending disappointed me and made me cry, how could 2 people who loved each other so much not end up together? 

I've watched this movie countless times, the more I watch it the more my feelings have changed.  Now I think that Katie was much too good for Hubbell, he didn't deserve her.

Katie loved him no matter what and he couldn't get past her for being herself and then gave up the only woman who truly loved him.  I hope men like that kick themselves when they are older, when they can see that they gave up the best thing to ever enter their life. 

I allowed myself to go down memory lane today and it was much too soon, I have to stay off that path until I'm stronger emotionally.  I am not too sure when that will ever be, maybe those memories are better left in the past.

Then I keep thinking I need to be okay with them so that I can move on.  Instead they bring up more emotions and questions I can never seem to have answers to; why do I feel the need to have answers?  Why is what I have not enough? 

Why can't I let it be and just be happy with where I am?    Because I could see the whole picture, it was as wonderful as I'd ever dreamed possible.  Now I have to live with the fall out, empty dreams and broken promises.

Maybe what I want doesn't exist,  maybe if I had what I wanted, I wouldn't be truly happy?  Then again, I think I'd be ecstatic, over the moon.  Lately I've been thinking how I had such few dreams and how none of them came true.

I thought because I didn't ask for much that I should have it, in reality I didn't ask for enough.  I didn't expect enough...   I should desire as much as my heart can and I should only expect the best.

Memories can make you smile or cry.... they always make you think.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Choice Is Never As Easy As It Seems

I had plans for writing all day yesterday, that fell through when I was finished grocery shopping and then I suddenly became ill.  I was in bed by 6:30 pm.  I didn't start feeling better until after midnight.

I was contemplating what being a friend means to me.  It's because even though my 'D' and I have talked, we have yet to talk in the detail we used to.  I tread so lightly with him, afraid I'll say or do something to bother him. That's when it dawned on me that I need to relax and let it flow naturally. It always did before, it will again. Just as long as I stop treating us like a piece of china.  Real friends can get through anything, my 'D' and are true friends.  

If I cannot be myself with my friends, what is the use of being friends with that person.  That would just be a waste of time for both of us.  I need to say how I feel and not be so afraid, otherwise I will always walk on egg shells and where will that get anyone.

I feel like I'm on a path with a choice as we all are on from time to time.  This time the choice seems much easier, yet it's not. It's actually harder because I can see this from all sides, not just one way. 

Life is not just two colors, life is made up of many shades. The older I get, the easier you would think the decision would be but it only seems to get more difficult.

Choose the right, I wish it was always that simple.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Just Want The Chance To Go Home Again

I've been feeling like I'm not settled, you know that feeling when you come home and feel safe and comfortable, I'm not feeling that.  I'm working at getting that feeling back, it's difficult when I feel like I'm missing pieces. 

I definitely feel more positive and I'm slowly getting my energy back.  I know I slept enough in the past couple of months, more than I have slept in the past year.  My body was exhausted from all the emotional crap I've put it through.  I neglected me, I just want the chance to feel like I'm home again.

This cleanse is certainly making me come face to face with more emotions than I cared to deal with.  The truth is that dealing with the pain might be overwhelming but hiding it is so much more debilitating.  Fear makes me freeze up, feeling as if I'll never be able to move forward again.

The power is always with us, we are always able to change that fear into strength.  We just have to truly desire it and make a concerted effort to really delve into ourselves.

I'm hoping that by the time this cleanse is over that I'll feel like I'm home again.  Being unsettled is not always the easiest thing to handle, sometimes it's out of our control.  Even if it's out of our hands we have to figure out a way to deal with it so that we can move on.

Living in the past on dreams that have come and gone isn't good for anyone.  The future isn't written, all I have is the here and now, living in the present is the only way I can live with meaning. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Trade Offs And Life Lessons

My life has become a life of trade offs, I've had to make some huge one's in my life. The one's that are hardest to deal with are the one's that are out of you control. Either way there is growth through all of this or I wouldn't be where I am today.

So, a new decision I'm making today is that once I do go back to watching TV, I will have to do some form of exercise for it, the same goes for the computer.  I will have to work for them both, I'm grateful that TV doesn't interest me very much.  I'm actually going to do this with Valentina, which will make her watch much less TV.

That is a great trade off, less fake entertainment and me healthy.  I'm going to start with some crunches, each day... I also have a stationary bike and another exercise equipment that I can walk on.  I got weighed after two weeks and I lost 8 pounds, the week before that I lost 1 pound. 

I'm pretty happy for a 9 pound loss, it really motivates me to want to do better, eat better and incorporate some exercise into my life.  I'm feeling stronger daily, which is amazing. 

I wish all trade offs were this good, unfortunately they are not but they all have life lessons.  Valuable insight into how my brain processes disappointments and changes.  I'm getting into the swing of wanting to know myself so that I can change the negative thought patterns more quickly. 

When I catch them sooner, I tend to only tear up, instead of sobbing.  I start thinking of everything I'm grateful for, this reminds I'm blessed.  I feel like I can only get better from here on.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Fairy Tale Without The Ending

I took some time this morning to listen to some of my favorite songs, what did I choose to listen to?  Of course I pick songs that always make me feel something. Those songs that bring up memories. 

These are not always the best choice for me, this morning they were good memories though.  I LOVE the movie 'The Notebook', especially the song 'Feels Like Home'.  It's exactly how I felt about my 'D' when we finally saw each other.

I felt whole and like all my world had come together and I was complete. It was such a wonderful and happy time in my life.  I can honestly say that I don't regret it now.  I thought for awhile it wasn't worth it, when I thought I'd lost David completely.

That's when I really knew that I loved him with my whole entire heart and soul.  I loved him enough to just be friends with him. I want him to be happy, really happy. 

The truth is that if you really love someone, you would only want them to be happy.  I would want nothing less than the best for my 'D'.  He's a very good and kind man, just as he was as a boy when I met him at 15.

Sure I really believe that my 'D' lost the best woman for him, me:).  I would be a selfish and mean person if I wished anything but the best for David. I'm neither mean or selfish, we just had the fairy tale without the ending.

That's okay though, there's still time for a fairy tale ending for me, someday.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Being Me And Following A Prompting

I always try to be my real self, even when I feel that it's difficult to handle.  Mainly because I have no other way to be.  I've tried to cover how I feel, without success; I'm just a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, I know of no other way to be.

Believe me if I could figure out another way, I would have, however; I can be nothing less than authentic.  I don't write everything here, if I did I would shock people.  I only tell one person everything and that of course is my 'D'.

With everything being so strained between us for the last couple of months, I've had no outlet.  It's one of the reasons I started this cleanse, I had to be real with me.  Finally, I slowly started to talk with my 'D' again, it's been good.

All day Sunday I kept feeling the need to tell my David that I loved him.  I was afraid to tell him, afraid that it would cause us problems.  I put it off, the feeling wouldn't go away.  So last night he came on line, we talked, really talked and not just about the weather.  I finally got my nerve up and asked him if it was okay to tell him that I loved him as my friend?  He sent me a smile. 

I breathed, really breathed.  No matter what happens, we're going to be okay.  That makes me very happy, I needed to know that everything was good between us now. 

I followed a prompting and it felt awesome.  I know I should follow them more but I always think I know best, I'm happy that I was proven wrong.  I never want to be less than who I am with my David.  I need to be able to be real with someone other than myself, otherwise I'll never grow to my full potential.

In less than two weeks it will be my Andrea's birthday.  I will be on Facebook that one day as I want to send her a birthday wish from me and I'm writing a post about her.  Even though she and I have issues, we are very close.  She means the world to me and I'm so very proud of her, I love her insanely.

I used to think it would be impossible to love another child as much as I loved Andrea but I do, of course I love them differently but not more than the other. I'm incredibly grateful for my two daughters, both have helped me grow and both have taught me lessons.

I'm very grateful and very lucky.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Love To Love

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." ~ LEO BUSCAGLIA

I had a lovely day at church today, which is always based on loving each other.  Really loving each other and not looking for anything in return. For when we truly love each other, love comes back to us in ways we could never comprehend.  When we love and look for it in return, we become disillusioned, since it rarely comes to us the way we give it out.

As everyone who knows me or reads my blog knows that I have always desired to have one true love, someone to be there for me and me there for him.  It hasn't worked out that way for me and I became disillusioned... I felt as if God, the universe and the world had let me down.  When in reality, I had that love all along... I just refused to see it since it wasn't in the package I had dreamed it would be. It came as friendship love. 

The quote above by Leo Buscaglia reminded me that I need to stop looking for my love and just love everyone and not look for what I think I deserve.  My Heavenly Father knows my heart and he wants me to be happy; the true way to happiness is to lose myself in love and service. 

This last time that I had the opportunity and blessing to love, I nearly let it destroy me... because I wanted it my way.  By doing this, I nearly destroyed what I loved, I am still working on fixing it, hoping he will see that I was afraid, afraid that no one would love me.  I was wrong, I needed first to love myself and second to know that love comes in ways we don't always see right away.

"The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.  Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can." ~ Neil Gaiman

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Were Born Perfect

We were born perfect, if only for the simple fact that we can change ourselves within the blink of an eye - simply by altering our thoughts and our energy. You can't get more perfect than that. ~ Jeffrey Marks

I opened my email today and immediately I was so moved by the words above that I instantly wanted to write a post about it and share it with everyone.  We were born perfect as we CAN change our thoughts in the blink of an eye which can change our circumstances just like that.  That doesn't mean we are perfect, it means we have a way of perfecting ourselves.

Most of us are unaware that it is possible to change your here and now by just changing the way we think... I have seen this work in my life over and over.  The first time was when I was 15 years old and I had decided that I wanted to not have to live with my step mother Ruth any longer.  I wished her no harm, I prayed daily for six months to be free of her and finally I was free.  Also on a smaller scale, I was broken hearted over my David and feeling as if I would never be able to pull myself together when it didn't work out as it should have.  A few weeks ago, I consciously made the decision that I would put that sad side of myself away and that I would remember all the wonderful blessings in my life.

Neither one of these were easy, neither of them just solved all my issues but both of these decisions I made helped me to see that I am in control of my emotions.  I am not in control of what happens to me but how I handle what is given to me.  I think I must be slow to learning these lessons though as I fall back into the 'poor me' pattern when life does not go the way I planned, instead of saying, 'what can I learn from this, how can I grow to be a better, more loving person?'  These are the questions I am going to ask myself each time something turns my world upside down.

I read a really amazing blog by Carly Ester, she is moving to Ecuador in a few days. She is so spiritual and so giving.  What she writes about puts my little set of problems into perspective. Not that we don't have the right to be sad, it's life, without sadness we wouldn't know joy, I've known incredible sadness but I've also tasted sheer joy.  What I love about Carly is that she is trying with all her heart to do what she was meant to do in this life, she is going to Ecuador to help the children and women there, giving them hope.  She is just so inspiring!!

When I begin to think that life is too hard, not worth putting the effort in and feeling as if my world is so turned upside down, I am going to think of Carly and how she is giving up all of her comforts in her life, to go and help as many people that she can who have little hope in their lives.  She is giving back and giving service. 

What I learned from this quote by Jeffrey Marks is that although we feel inadequate in this world, we are not broken.  We were born perfect and we have the ability to change how we handle the difficult situations that life throws at us.  One of the most interesting things is that what I find the most difficult to deal with, I usually find out that it was a good thing in the end.  Another thing that I learned is that I really need to listen with my heart and than follow.... who knew it could be that easy?  I didn't.

Have you ever thought that
if one thing hadn't happened,
a whole set of things
never would've either?
Like dominoes,
a single event kicked off
an unstoppable series
of changes that gained
momentum and spun out of control,
and nothing was ever
the same again.
Don't ever doubt that
a mere second can change
your life forever.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield