I Want The Magic

I've been trying to write for awhile, my internet keeps going off... apparently it will now be out until 8... a couple of hours.  Valentina and I took the opportunity to make smoothies and play a board game. It was fun going back to basics, I even ignored the phone as it had to be recharged in my room.  Valya decided to take a bath, so I took the opportunity to write my post in an email.  Then I can take an hour and catch up on all your blogs .

I was finally able to find a couple of stores that sold some cute and unique shirts.  I even found two dresses and two skirts.  I had a little fun going out and trying things on until I got over heated.  The good thing about getting new clothes was one I have clothes that fit me and two it gave me a reason to clean out my closet... Then we cleaned out Valentina's too... both of them look so good, we now see what we have.
I still haven't sleep, I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever sleep a full night again?  I want to believe that somehow it will resolve itself... I know of only one way that I can see and unfortunately it's not an option. Instead I just keep getting by with broken sleep, how long can I function like that? I never thought I could could last six months but I'm here passing the six month mark.

Why do some trials we have to deal with seem so unfair...?  I have friends I know dealing with challenges that make me wonder how they get up each day.  Then I realized that I too could curl up and stay in bed day after day but I don't allow myself to wallow there... Some days are tougher than others, a good day is when I don't cry on the way to work.. or when someone makes me laugh... or when I feel that one day all of this will make sense.
I want to rise above this latest challenge... not just survive it but really grow from it.  Otherwise I will continually play this scenario out, over and over.  Truthfully I'm tired of the same results... I deserve better and I know I expect better.  It is scary to trust again, especially when the person I trusted more than anyone changed in ways I didn't think was possible.  I have asked myself why I would want to ever take that chance again?  Then I heard this somewhere, we continue to want to fall in love, because it is the closest thing to magic... I want the magic. . .
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Changing My Path To Change My Future

I have been going back and forth with writing, my mind has been on overload after a busy week.  Also, everything I wanted to write was not so positive... so I kept erasing it, that isn't what I want to put out there; I do however want to put the truth out there as I have always been an honest person.

So yes, I didn't have a great week, I think I was expecting too much of it... my income tax came in and shopping was both good and bad... Good because I am in a great size of clothing ... bad because there is so little choice for cute clothing that is not over priced.  I then had a long day yesterday where I ended up with a melt down to tears because I was frustrated, tired and I suddenly thought... this is not where I am supposed to be right now, this is not how my life was meant to be lived. 
The other day I was talking to an acquaintance about how much weight I have lost, she said "you must feel great"?  I said "yes, I do... but losing the weight doesn't change your life to be perfect"... That got me to thinking about why I suddenly decided to lose the weight, why I stuck with it this time and not other times.  He had said something to me while we were chatting one night, which made me think about how I did not want to be in the same place that I was in a year from then. How many times have we said that to ourselves and not taken the opportunity to make the changes needed.

That night changed my way of thinking and I think it all came together perfectly because it was June, the contest came about, the weather was great for walking, vegetables and fruit were plentiful and reasonably priced.  All of these things are what helped to take that night and really turn my life around, I started walking and honestly I wasn't so sure I was going to be able to handle it but I did and I fell in love with it.
Walking de-stressed me, I was able to get frustrations out with pushing and timing myself to get better... it gave me goals.  All of this made me realize how perfectly timed this was, I was set up for success ... as long as I wanted it and I did.  Even with the massive upheaval in my life in the last six months, I have not gone back to eating unhealthy... which enforced in me more that I was finally losing the weight for all the right reasons. To get healthy, to feel better.

I know that if I had tried to lose weight for a short termed goal, I would have gained the weight back by now.  I am more motivated than ever, spring should be here soon, I say that and it just snowed last night... Anyhow, the spring will be here soon and then I can walk/run and on top of that I am finally going to do strength training exercises.  I want to be fit and strong... I am going to remind myself of that feeling that got me to where I am today.
Saying all this above, which I am truly grateful for... I journal that one often.  Losing the weight still doesn't make my life turn out the way I hoped. Yes it is fabulous that I am so much healthier and stronger than I have been in years and I never want that to change... but it isn't like some magic cure.  Losing the weight means what it is... getting healthy, nothing more... that is how I became successful, that is how I plan to stay successful.

I have made another decision since the weight loss has been so successful, I need to start making some short and long term goals ... so that I won't be where I am today in a year.  I need to make some difficult changes but I really want certain things in my life, so I will make all those necessary changes needed.  I think that night changed my future in a way I needed more than I knew, it has been a really long, rough road but it just must mean that where I end up was always where I was supposed to be... and all of the trials will have been worth it.
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Living With The Joy And The In Betweens

I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 30 days straight now, I find it gives me a time to just reflect on what is really great that is going on in my life, it usually ends up that I write about the small things.  I think small things need to be celebrated, they are the steps we take on our journey to love ...

I finally have a word for how I have been feeling for the last six months, I am not ready to share it, for the moment it is just good enough that I know the word.  It has opened my eyes as to why I have been on such an emotional roller coaster.. I read another blog Friday night called .As Far As The Eye Can See, I have written about her before, she writes things that move me deeply.
What she wrote made me realize the word, I wrote in my other journal/blog Friday night... I wrote for over two hours.  I usually take the time to read it over and fix up the sentences.  Last night I was too tired, plus it gave me a lot to think about.  I have been feeling less joy lately but I don't allow myself to wallow in the feelings. Sometimes I cry and that is okay ... I laugh a lot too.  I have been in a why stage for so long ... when it doesn't matter why anymore. 

I opened a door finally... one which lead me to write for so long Friday night, it just poured out of me, no time was taken between thoughts... the next thought was there as soon as the last one was written.  Eventually I will will post it here, it is probably the most real I have ever been with my writing.  I tend to hold a little back for various reasons but mostly because although I share a great deal of myself... I haven't been ready to put it all out there. 
I slept for a little over three hours ... probably the longest stretch in six months.  I had decided to get groceries Friday night because I did not want to deal with the crowds on Saturday ... so that meant I had a day where I actually got some things done around the house, all the dishes are done and so is the laundry, I just have to get the floors done.  I can just imagine how much I could get done if I could sleep a little more.  At least the last two nights were headed in the right direction.  

I have made a few decisions for myself, one's I plan to share in my blog soon... I am first trying to get a little order in place so that I will be ready to move on with some of my plans.  Chaos and disorder do little to help me move ahead with ideas and plans, order is something I need a little of... otherwise I am just floating around, completing nothing. 
I wish I was better at letting go like some people but then I wouldn't be me who really feels... I would be them who never felt enough.  For when I have loved, I gave my heart and soul... I soared with joy... if I had held back, I never would have felt that joy, that is what people who hold back in life miss out on. So, although it is tough to feel emotions, I would much prefer to feel than to bury them and never really live.
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High Expectations

I have had one of those lazy reflective days, although I didn't sleep again (nothing new there... six months now)... I stayed in bed and rested until about 9:30.  Then Valentina and I started our day, we watched a little TV, we talked and I read and commented on blogs.  I am so on top of it there is nothing waiting in the lists and I have my email all up to date, as well, I finally did my taxes, money is on it's way.  I am grateful and excited that I will get to go shopping finally and get my hair done plus Spring might be here soon.

Okay, the last thing I said about Spring... a girl can hope.  I am feeling myself falling into old patterns due to this horrible winter we have had, I am truly not used to it like this, normally we have mild winters where being outdoors is not a time to have a limb frozen off... I have no idea how people are handling it with weather that is sub zero frozen almost all the time.  I have empathy for you all, we are not near that and I am finding it is pulling my mood down.
Once Spring truly arrives here, I will be an outdoors girl, walking and working out all the time, I am going to soak up the sun with sunscreen of course, and I am going to love the heat.  I am finally down to a size that I can buy my clothes wherever I want, I could always buy shirts at almost any store but now I can buy pants in trendy stores.  That is big for me, I have had limited styles and clothing to chose from, losing all this weight has opened a world of choice for me.  I am so glad I took that journey in June last year, now I want to stick with it, get to my next goal of my 10k.

Spring must be on it's way, I am feeling my mood shifting ... plus I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 23 days straight, it is usually a line... some days it is hard but most days it is easy, at the end of 30 days I am going to read over them and share a few of my favorites with you all.  I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who reads/comments on my blog, I feel like I have the best followers and I feel lucky to have you all here.  I know how time consuming it can be to keep up with other blogs, so I appreciate all the effort.
I wish one thing, when I was younger I remember people telling me to enjoy myself more... I took things too seriously... I don't want to live like that anymore, I like the girl I have become.. I am much more confident and much more closer to so many goals I have. One year ago, actually even six months ago I never would have guessed my life would be like this... I never believed I could lose the weight I carried for so many years of my life, yet with determination, I succeeded, I got over a hump in my life where I finally realized I am more capable than I am or was aware of...

The other thing I was reflecting on was friendship, how to me it is being forgiving, remembering the journey each of you have been on, understanding you better because they know you better than anyone else.. Not judging each other because we know how hard the other has had it, everyone is fighting a battle... that is something that always has to be remembered... especially in friendship.  This is what I look for in any relationship I have and since I am willing to offer all of that, I expect the same in return... pretty high expectations I know but that is what I deserve.
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Riding The Wave Of Life

I remember a time I never doubted myself and the path I was on... I knew each time that when challenges came along that I all I had to do was ride out the wave and the answer would be there eventually.  I had a day in March 2008 which was one horrible incident after the other, throughout the whole day I smiled and took the challenges for what they were... to show me where I really should be going, within six months my life changed drastically.  Lately I have been wondering if I will ever recognize the path where I should be on or the answers it will give? 

I sometimes get a glimpse of the path and then it seems to disappear before I get there and I am left standing to wonder if I actually saw it or if it was all an illusion?  When you are shaken to the core in everything that you believe... becoming steady again even when it is calm is not easy.  It's like I doubt that the steady time will last before the next challenge is there for me to handle, lately I have been dealing with one thing... then another one would be delivered on my plate before I got through the first one, I started juggling them... eventually they fall, so it is much better to have the time in between to deal with them... I guess it is true that life is about learning to dance in the rain...
I know that sometimes there are trials that come into our lives that are meant to shake us up to where we become unsure but I also know that if we believe it is something that will pass, eventually along the path we will recognize the reason why we had to deal with that challenge.  For me, I just don't know the reason and because I don't know, it means I haven't been able to get back to where I should be. I feel like I have been floating in the wind... kind of like a butterfly that never stays put too long... instead I flit from here to there and I never seem to get to where I should be going. 
I had a thought tonight that made me very reflective of how I see people, more like how I want to see them than to actually see them as they truly are (I see that I have done this a few times in my life)... I realized that the unforgiving and judgmental attitudes were always there from the beginning, I failed to see past what I wanted to see... which makes me melancholy... I know that even though I have forgiven things, my forgiveness might not come ... I only have past behavior to think this, unless there is a great change somewhere, I will have to deal with that insight I gained and possibly one day, count myself lucky ...  Until then I will just ride the wave.
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