All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.
And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Laughter Is Truly Needed

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Oh how I have missed blogging, I have not gone this many days in a great long while... I keep wanting to write but I am so busy.  I am continually trying to keep up with the blogs I follow... I may have to give myself a break there once and a while if I am going to get anything else done.  Also, I have ramped up my exercise, I couldn't walk yesterday morning as it was kind of rainy and really damp, I decided to bus it and then use the stationary bike at work... can I say wow... my thighs are feeling it this morning.  Anytime you change your routine up, you can feel it... it just means I am on the right path.... So I biked for 20 minutes before work and sweat like crazy... then I went back and did it again at lunch... I even went an extra mile from morning.

Then I was reading some updates on Facebook and one of the girls in the contest has been walking for the past couple of days... yesterday, she updated that she was going for a 5K, I was like, congratulations... now I need to go for a 5K, lol.  Have I told you that I am highly competitive, just in case you are not aware.  I walked/jogged for just about 3 miles last night... my best time for the length of time I went for.  I am so feeling that in my joints this morning.  What do you think I am going to do today?  I am going to bike this morning and at lunch and if at all possible, I am going to walk tonight, it of course depends on the weather... which is threatening thundershowers.
I also measured myself, so in three weeks, I have lost 3 inches of my hips and 5 inches off my waist... this exercise is so worth it... I can see this weight loss even if I am just wearing my nightgown.  How I wish I had put the two together years ago but I cannot beat myself up for that, I just have to go with it now and be very grateful that I can do this exercise now and that I am thrilled to be eating so healthy these days. I really think for a healthy lifestyle to take hold, I have to be in the right frame of mind... I am hoping I can drop at least 1-2 pounds this week, especially after I lost a big number last week. I just don't want to plateau or gain while I am on the contest... it is only a short 11 weeks, Friday will be the seventh week, with only a four short weeks remaining.

I don't give myself much time to think about anything but exercising and eating healthy, I know I have to give myself time to do other things or this lifestyle won't stick as I cannot continue to only do this and work... that is not what life is about long term..  Yes, I will ALWAYS exercise and truly I want to... I feel better, I feel stronger and I see the benefits but I understand that I cannot do this 7 days a week for the rest of my life.  I talked to a girl at work who dropped a lot of weight and she has made it to her goal weight, she told me now that she is there, she has to work out hard three days a week to maintain... I think three days a week is doable... I am looking forward to be able to do this in about a year or so... until then, it will be 6-7 days a week.
Part of the reason that I don't give myself time to think is because of my David... if I did... I would probably be melancholy... however; the moment I feel that, I go out and exercise until I feel better... love those endorphins.  I remember in the beginning how I thought I had sweat... this past week I have had to peal my clothes off from how hard I have made myself walk/jog/bike...  I can't stay with the same routine, I have to ramp it up a little at a time or it will not be helpful in the long run.  I want so much to talk to my D for more than a few words each day, I miss being able to spill my insides out to him... I love how I can say anything to him and that he still thought I was wonderful.  I haven't had that for so long because of him having to plan a large and detailed exercise and then he had to go out on the exercise... then he was busy writing up about this in great detail.  Finally he went on vacation and now this would be the best time but I am so incredibly busy with exercising that by the time he comes on line, I have to crawl into bed.

The old me would have stayed up until 11 or 12 and talked to him, the me of today is usually off line no later than 10... I am so committed to this that I don't allow myself to stay up as late as I usually did in the past... Besides my body says it has had enough and I usually have no choice in the matter.  One thing though, I really wish I could sleep through the whole night, I am still waking up about every 2-3 hours... I fall right back to sleep but I still wake up... which gives me broken sleep.  I really miss my best friend, I need one of those chats we have where we laugh non stop for an hour, that's what we do... we talk a mile a minute and we never lack for words and the laughter is unbelievable... I haven't been able to really let go for a while... I have been holding in a lot which I know isn't always good long term... I just don't want to get off track while I am on this contest... I so need to be focused.

I keep telling myself that in September I will be able to give myself a night a week but then I will be training for the 5K that I am going to run in October... I will have to really focus on that.  I think I will just have to take that me time and talk to my best friend so that I don't let everything pile up and then spill over... maybe not in a good way... I need to be healthy about this.  I don't want to be back at square one, I love the new committed me, I am loving all the changes I have made and I love the path I am on... I want to stay here and continue on to see how far I can make it down this path.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Changing My Thought Patterns

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Yesterday was weigh in day and I was excited to get on the scale, I know odd to say the least... In the past I have avoided the scale as if it was the plague.  However; this time it is so different, I am more committed than I have ever been in the past, mainly because I have put eating healthy and exercising together.  I know it is possible to lose weight by one or the other but when I put the two together I am seeing real results.  This week I ramped up my walking by doing longer stretches, one day I walked for an hour to get to my doctors appointment and then I walked home... another day I walked 6 miles throughout the day and on two of the walks I included sprints that really got my heart rate up.  Mostly I just pushed myself to go up hills at a very steady pace and I chose routes that challenged me.

I think back to six weeks ago and how I had avoided walking anywhere, I took the bus whenever I could or I would take a taxi... I didn't have money for a taxi but I spent the money anyhow...The only cabs I take now are for when I get groceries as there is no way to actually carry the food home. The great thing now is that I don't just grab a bus to get somewhere either, I will walk as often as I can now... I still buy a bus pass as I need to get back and forth to work each day, unfortunately walking both ways is not an option for me as it is a great distance away. However; I don't use having the bus pass as an excuse not to walk, I find I think less and less about using it when I need to get somewhere.  I love how I have changed my thoughts when it comes to exercise and let me tell you I feel awesome.

So, Friday morning was rainy, I got to work early and dropped all my stuff off at my desk... I walked down to the scale and hopped on... I didn't look down immediately, I knew I had done the work to lose weight but I also knew that it doesn't always show up on the scale, sometimes it is just in how your clothing feels on you... After about 10-15 seconds I looked down and I was so thrilled to see that I had lost 4 pounds, that is awesome for me... I am six weeks into this lifestyle change, I turned 50 this week and I still lost 4 pounds in one week.  For everyone who says it is harder, you are right, it is harder, I have to work at more than someone who is in their 20's-30's... I happen to think the work is worth it for the results that have happened... I have now lost 22.8 pounds in six weeks, that leaves me about another 60 pounds I want to lose which I think is quite doable by June of 2014.
It may even happen before than but I am giving myself plenty of time for when I may plateau or gain muscle as I plan to add in some strength training that I think is a necessity when losing weight.  As well, I received a wonderful opportunity from a blogger I spoke about recently, Janice... she sent me a link for some coaches that are going to help me and others prepare to run a 5K.  Am I nervous?  You bet I am... I sprint a little here and there but nothing long term, yet I am going to take this challenge on, I will run a 5K in the next little while... I had planned to run one for the new year but this may happen earlier. 

With my commitment to becoming healthy I see that I am not able to blog each and every day but I could never give up writing as it is one of those things that centers me and helps me to get all my feelings out... I probably just won't be as consistent and that will have to be okay... I am making me a priority right now, which I think each of us needs to do.  If I don't make myself a priority, I will not be good for anyone else.  Also, I haven't written about my David as much but he is always on my mind, we text each other usually daily to keep in contact.  He's on vacation right now but I am certain when he gets home we will chat more regularly and then of course he will be home for Christmas.  I am really looking forward to that, I miss just sitting and talking with him for hours about everything and anything... he knows I am losing the weight as I catch him up each week but I am not going to let him see me until he gets home, I am sure it will be shocking as I can tell the difference myself with it almost being 23 pounds.

After Christmas, I will post a before and after photo in the blog so everyone can see the difference... For the people who have never seen me, other than the head shots I put up here.  I will tell you that I am an hour glass shape (albeit a large hour glass), most of my weight is directly on my hips and thighs.  The first place I lose weight is my face and then my tummy (I really need to firm up there).  The last place I lose weight is my hips.  I didn't start measuring until almost 3 weeks ago so I can only go from there but in 2 weeks I had lost 3 and 1/2 inches from my waist and only 1 inch from my hips... I do find that I am losing off my thighs due to all the walking.  Saying all this, I know that even my hips will have to give up the weight eventually as I don't plan to give up this healthy lifestyle. 

I am grateful for the changes I have made and for the consistent way I am living them... if I can do this, anyone can.... I am now 50 years old, I have travel time to work of anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the buses, connections and walking.  I am a mama to my Valentina and I blog, even if I am not writing every day, I am constantly catching up with everyone's blogs that I follow...  This is doable, it takes a change in your thought patterns, it takes desire and it takes a can do attitude when times are rough...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Changing My Cants Into Cans

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I read this quote above about changing my cants into cans on someone's Facebook yesterday and it spoke to me...  The girl/woman that had it on her wall, used to be quite heavy and was in a very unhappy marriage... She gained the strength to leave her husband and then she changed her life by making the time to exercise and eat healthy... basically she loved herself enough to not stay in that situation.  She inspires me daily as I see how she keeps exercising to maintain her new weight... she also states that she will never be model skinny and she is quite happy with that but that girl is so healthy and fit.

I am grateful for all the strong women that I know, women that have risen above their situations to show me that I do not have to live with the past... I have surrounded myself with women who changed their circumstances and never looked back.  My absolute favorite thing about them is that not one of them says poor me, look what I have had to endure to get to where I am today... I know their stories well but that is not where they live... they live in the present... it is where I try to live everyday.

It's not like they just said, okay... that nasty, awful thing happened to me... I forgive the people who did it to me and I forgive myself for putting up with it... they had to go through some soul searching but they did not wallow in it... I love that strength they had and have... I came through some terrible things myself but that is not who I am anymore... I am making better choices for myself, I am living in the present and mainly I have forgiven the people that hurt me... I honestly forgive them and I feel for them... just how sad is their life that they had to hurt me to try to feel better.  I am hoping and praying always that those people move through their pain and forgive themselves and become the best person they can be... I think until I could do that, I could not move on... 
I have had numerous people ask me how I am so determined with this eating healthy and exercising... well... I changed my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.  I just started one day, instead of making an excuse to start another day, I got up and started that day.  Was it easy?  No way... it was hard...  my first walk was insane, I was blood red, so sweaty and hot... it was for a matter of 15-20 minutes.  I had to stop twice to catch my breath.  What did I do?  I got out and did it the next day ... was it simple the next day?  No... it was hard, each day was an effort and it continues to be an effort but I make it an effort now... I am not happy with just doing what I did the day before, I want it to be harder.

I want to push myself, I remember reading people's blogs like Joy's and Janice's and thinking WOW, how do these ladies do this, I could never do that... I am not that committed... well... I am now and if I am committed... then anyone can be... I want to do all those amazing things that they do and I will because I have made a choice to do them.  I am not going to sit here any longer and say I am 50, how can I do that?  Well, surprise, surprise... I am doing it.  When the contest at work is over the end of the month, The Biggest Loser should be starting their new season, I am going to join up on line with them and continue to get weighed in every Friday.

I have small goals, my first one is to lose the biggest percentage of weight and win the contest at work, the second is get to Christmas and hopefully be down an additional 30 pounds ... I am so looking forward to being in control of my weight and showing myself that all things are possible.  Then the next thing is to get to March and be in the 100's... a huge mile stone for me as I have not been there since I was in my early 20's.  The last one isn't even a weight, it is a size that I will be comfortable with and I have no idea what size that will be until I get there... Like I have said many, many times... I do NOT want to be skinny... I adore and love my curves and I plan to have them for my life.  I personally don't think skinny would look good on me.

I also know very well that this will always be a struggle for me and that I will have to watch what I eat by always counting calories and always exercising... I happen to think I am worth that work and I will never look back again.  I aim to show myself and others that no longer will I sit on the side lines and wonder why I cannot do what others do?  I can and I will... I have changed my cants to cans and my dreams to plans.... You can too...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

My Big 50th Birthday And My Mission

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Well today I turned 50 and I can tell you this, I don't feel like it (except maybe in my knees, lol) but the more I walk the less I will even feel it there.  I don't look it and I can say that because everyone and I mean everyone tells me that.  I certainly don't dress like I am 50, nor do I want to... I rather enjoy the fact that I don't look or act my age.... nor do I plan to.  Above is my latest picture that my oldest daughter took of me about three weeks ago, she is quite the photographer as is her wonderful hubby Paul... 

I know that I have been a bit moody over the past few days and I will deal with that in time... for now I am extremely busy with staying on track with losing weight and getting as healthy as possible.  That is my main focus, I am hoping it will rub off on Valentina... if she sees there is no choice but eating healthy and walking to wherever we go, she will lose the weight and become healthy herself.  I just have to keep on that path and eventually she will follow.

I won't go into the reasons that I have been moody but last night I had a bit of an eye opener and it only made me want to eat better and exercise more... bring on the bike/elliptical/treadmill... no more words from me about how I hate them and how boring they are... who cares... I am going to use them and get healthy and keep myself fit.  Oh and I can't wait to try out Zumba, I am looking into classes tomorrow, I think it would be fun to dance/exercise.  I have said this before but I mean it and I think the past almost six weeks proves that I mean it, I am on a mission, a mission to become the best and healthiest me.

I could care less about cake/cookies/chips/chocolate/fried foods and anything with mayonnaise...  none of them appeal to me.  I was the girl who loved her cream sauces and thick salad dressings, I don't care if I ever eat them again.  You know what makes me really happy?  Walking further than I thought I could and following a great eating plan, then hopping on the scale and seeing my weight go down to a healthy one... Today I went to the doctors and she said it had been almost one month since I was in to see her, which was almost two weeks after I started the challenge at work, I had already lost 10 pounds, she said I have lost 12 pounds in four weeks... that made me feel so good.  She said I might want to slow down... I said nooooo... I have a challenge to win and then I have other goals I need to get to as well.

She realized that there was nothing she was going to say to change my mind so she told me good luck with the challenge.  I thanked her and reminded her that this won't stop with the challenge, that was the catalyst that started me on the right path... that and something my David said to me... I will have to thank him sometime... I couldn't be more thrilled that I finally put the two together and that I am SO committed  to looking after myself.  It might have taken me a while to get here but I am here and nothing will take me off this path. NOTHING!!!

I am happy to hear that I am inspiring people to walk, I know that nothing and nobody could get through all the excuses I had for not getting healthy until I was ready and boy... am I ready.  I feel like I am finally following the right path, the one I was always supposed to be on... As for feeling sad, that is because some things have not worked out as I had hoped or know that it should... but that is okay for now... I am putting all that on the back burner so that I can focus on the main plan right now.

I will eventually deal with the sadness and even that won't be completely overwhelming to me one day.  Maybe I will even be able to look back and smile at this time in my life, maybe I needed this to get me on the right path to become the healthiest me... I also think this is going to change the lives of some people that are close to me.  Maybe not the way they think but I know it will leave them with a lot of questions... I wonder if they will get the answers they are looking for... Time will tell...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

When Will It Not Be Enough?

I read a great blog this morning... I actually read many great blogs... this one touched me though as I could empathize with her even though I do not have her disorder.  I could liken this unto me with my own disorders.  She feels like I do, that if she could find a healthy outlet, that life would be a little easier.... like I feel I have found with walking/jogging/running... also writing my blog gives me an outlet ...  She asked us what we did as healthy outlets?

I thought this is easy for me, I blog... writing has been something that has helped me immensely over the past few years.  I essentially started this blog to give myself a voice after my ex Andrey had raped me, I was so overwhelmed with all the emotions that come from trying to hold that in... When it first happened, I tried to push it to the back burner and prove it wasn't going to control me... I was going to be stronger than that one night. The truth though is that when we don't deal with the issue at hand, it festers and comes out in more destructive ways.

So, writing became my lifeline... I didn't write a lot and my first couple of years of entries were mainly for my own eyes, some people read my blog but mainly a few friends and family... I didn't promote my blog anywhere but on Facebook occasionally... I didn't really put it out there until February 2012 when I started joining blogging forums  and gained real followers.  It was about then that I started reading and commenting on other peoples blogs and I found some talented writers who I still follow to this day.  My reasons for blogging had changed though, I was dealing with the break up of my David and me.  Believe me I was not handling it well, I still don't handle it all that well...
About 6-7 weeks ago, I became real with myself and admitted that blogging was not enough, I was masking my pain with destructive outlets.  I knew that if I didn't change that right then and there that I would only slip deeper into the destructive outlets and I might never be able to rise above them.  So, I started walking, at first it was hard... I was lucky to be able to walk for 15-20 minutes without losing my breath completely.  However; something inside me kept me moving forward, I started challenging myself but walking hills and walking further... I was only into it a few days and I had downloaded MapMyWalk... and this encouraged me to walk even more.

Of course the contest had come around and because I am HIGHLY competitive... it fed into my healthy outlet I had taken on.  Today I am walking at a decent speed, up hills (without losing my breath), for long distances and now I am alternately walking/jogging and running.  I rarely find an excuse not to walk, if anything, I look for reasons to walk and I take longer alternate routes to give me a better work out.

Here is the thing, when I answered her question, I also said I walk for a healthy outlet but then I begin to wonder if that will always be enough... I mean... how long can I keep up walking 3-5 miles per day, if not walking then exercising at the gym.  When will it not be enough... even if it is a healthy outlet, it is something that masks the pain... Instead, I have to deal with the pain or it will always be there in behind whatever I do to try to cover it... I think today I am not ready but in the near future I know I will have to deal with it or it will spill out again and this time blogging and walking might not be able to contain the emotions.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Crossroads I Am At

Yesterday I had a short walk, maybe 10 minutes, it was very hot... I had planned on walking later in the evening but instead I ended up talking with a friend until it was too late... This morning I woke up with the intention of going for a walk, at first I thought, I will walk later.   Right then and there I knew that if I didn't walk then, that I would come up with another excuse not to walk later... I jumped up there and then and I pulled on my yoga pants, sneakers and tank top and left the house immediately before another thought could come into my head.

I walked fast for close to 40 minutes and I walked for over two miles, I felt so much better... I came home, jumped in the shower and thought about why I was starting to come up with excuses after only one day...  I WAS the girl with all the excuses in the past, I will NOT be her again, I am not going to sit home each day when I can walk/jog/bike... whatever I need to do to become healthy.  I went off to church and had some lovely lessons/teachings taught to me... I had already prepared to walk home from church, it is a little over a mile and a half.  One lady at church told me she heard I was inspiring people to walk, I hope that my walking does inspire people.  I want everyone to feel as good about this as I do.
So, I walked home, I actually walked/ran home... it felt amazing and I was filled with gratitude that I could do this... it wasn't long ago that I had the surgery to repair my skin graft and before that I was using a cane.  I am so thankful that I can and am able to walk/jog/run... it is something that is keeping me centered, something that clears my mind and heart when I do it, hence why I do it so often.  When I don't my emotions build up to an uncontrolled state where I just cry all the time.

I know that is hard for people to hear, I am at a crossroads in my life right now... one I wish I wasn't at.  However; wishing I wasn't there doesn't change it, it means I have to make a decision and I just don't know which road I will travel... it seems like an easy decision to most people but for me it is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made.  The more that it weighs on my mind, the more that I walk now, with every walk I take, I know I am preparing to choose a path to take and this time I want to take the right path.  Yet I want to keep things from the other paths... I know... it isn't possible to travel two paths, hence why I am so sad.
I feel so torn inside, have you ever known, really known where you are supposed to be... yet it isn't possible at that time, so you have to go another way... completely different than what you know in your heart?  That is what I am going through right now and my heart is breaking into a million pieces... standing at the crossroads and trying to choose what is right for me, right here and now and in the long run. I just don't know how to choose... either way is awful, either way is very sad for me... yet I am left with the choice...

Regardless of which choice I will make, I know I will be sad but I also know I will be walking/running/jogging... eventually biking.  This one path of exercise I have taken is a long term path and I feel really good about it... I hope when I finally choose the other path at the crossroads I am at now that it will be a good choice for me in the long run too...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Loving And Living My Lifestyle Changes

I have been wanting to write, it certainly hasn't meant that I had a block... I was hoping that my mood would lift before I wrote again.  So, I lost one more pound... I am almost at 19 pounds for five weeks, I am more determined than ever to continue on this journey I started.  I wish I had taken measurements when I first started but I just bought my measuring tape about a week ago.  I know that I feel it in my pants which are too big for me and my tank tops which I always felt stuffed into now feel really comfortable.  It feels good, I was a bit disappointed to only see one pound lost since I work very hard and I do not eat one bad thing but I have to remember that I am not twenty and my body is probably wondering what in the heck is going on...

Here is the funny thing I told my sister today, I don't even miss that type of food that I used to eat.  I went to the grocery store today and when I walked by the food I used to eat, I did that... I walked by it... I didn't look at it longingly...  I don't even think about that type of food, I am always thinking about any food I eat, wondering about the calories and what is in it? and if it is good for me?... I have people telling me that eventually I will miss the old food... I don't think so, it has been five weeks and I don't feel deprived.  Whenever I went on a 'diet' before I felt restricted... I missed the food... this is not a diet I am following, this is a lifestyle change that I am loving and living. 

I know one thing, I am getting very tired of Valentina's behavior when it comes to walking... she is not getting any easier about going for walks with me, she cannot stop complaining and I am not thrilled with her attitude. I have had to ask her on numerous occasions to keep her comments to herself, I need all the energy I can to put into walking.  I don't have any left over energy to argue with her... What happened to my sweet Valentina?  I seriously cannot deal with another cranky child who has nothing good to say...  Yes she does apologize but lately I am not accepting them as easily as I did before since she can turn around within thirty minutes and flip out again.  I do not like the teenage years, I know what she is going through, I have a very good memory of those times but I wish she could channel her anger elsewhere... it is very exhausting.

My mood is still somewhat the same, however; I am just putting all my effort into walking... I am not allowing myself to wallow.  I can't go back to that, I want to move forward... I turn the big 50 on Tuesday... I am actually excited!   I am getting my hair colored and I am getting a thick strand of hair colored violet... I will put pictures up once I get it done.  I have been wanting to do this for a couple of years and I never seem to have the money but I am doing it regardless, this a big birthday for me, it only comes around once. I am also going to get a small heart tattoo but it looks like that will have to wait until I get my bonus in August.  It is something I have wanted for a couple of years, it won't be anything large or flashy, just a cute little heart tattoo.
I am off for a few days this week, so I plan to get really serious and find an apartment for September.  Part of the issue with this is that I don't want to live in an apartment building, I just cannot live in a large unit again.  I like smaller places or a flat, I like having neighbors, I just don't want to have them living on top, under and on both sides... it is kind of claustrophobic.  I like that I have a front and back door and that there is no one under me, I love the feeling of just walking out of my place and not having to go down a long hall, walking by everyone's doors.  Anyway I won't worry about it, everything will work out as it was meant to...

This is more of a catch up blog since my mood hasn't changed a whole lot and I just don't want to write sad things right now... I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs even though I haven't been writing... I have written many in my head but at the moment those were just to sad to put down into writing.. I have so many good things in my life to be grateful for... believe me, I count my blessings on a daily basis and I feel very lucky... unfortunately it doesn't stop the sadness but it keeps me from wallowing which is a good thing.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Bigger The Challenge, The Bigger The Gift

I just don't know how I can be so happy, yet so sad... how is that possible?  When I'm focused on eating healthy and exercising I seem to be able to keep things together.  It's after I curl up in bed and think about things that the tears come and I cry... I'm sad at these times.

I laid in bed last night... questioning the tears and the sadness... wondering how to get passed them all.  Usually I go for a walk/jog in the evening; I guess so that I can exhaust myself so I can sleep.  I skipped my walk last night so that I would be rested enough to finally walk across the bridge this morning.

In doing this I ended up laying here with all these thoughts in my head.... ones that made me cry.  I just don't understand how I can honestly be happy and motivated when it comes to living a healthy life.  I am so in the zone... I really have never been this focused on me and my health in this way.

Yet, I'm so incredibly sad, I can't even put it all into words... I don't even think there are enough words... I feel like the sadness could consume me if I let it and I have been doing everything possible to get through it.  The more I think about it the more I walk, for instance last night I cried myself to sleep, this morning I got up and I walked almost 4 miles, I made it over the bridge... I breathed deeply and I did not look over the side.  This was not enough for me, I came home and I had to go to church to meet with my Bishop.  I walked both ways... which was a little over 3 miles. 

I am exhausted, maybe I can sleep tonight and not cry myself to sleep... When I went to see my Bishop, it was with the intent to get myself together but as I talked to him, I begin to think I wasn't ready yet... I am not committed that way... I want to be, I just don't know if I can be... For now... I will continue to go to church and make those decisions later.  I have a lot on my plate right now, more than I have divulged here.  I may or may not write it all here in time... knowing me, I will... when the time is right.

Hopefully when I have a breakthrough and come to the other side... or at least when I feel strong enough... I will be able to talk about it all .  I often wonder if I will get through this challenge and look back and think it was difficult but it was exactly what I needed to get to the next level...  I think that is what the tough lessons are about, the ones I need to be the most grateful for... they are the ones that help us to grow the most.  It is like my exercising, the harder I work, the better the results... when I am first opting for a walk I think I won't go for too long and I will take small breaks but instead I push myself to continue and push hard... It is the only way I will see good results.

The bigger the challenge, the bigger the gift... it is just so hard to see it when I am going through the big challenge... I guess that is why we don't see the gift, we just have to persevere and the gift will eventually happen...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Worth The Effort

I wanted to do a quick post on how I am losing the weight and what methods I am using.  Many times over the years I have gone to Weight Watchers and I have been very successful because it was something that has held me accountable... I had to write down all the food I ate and I had to be weighed in once a week.  So, I would be quite dedicated in keeping my food journal... it has changed over the years and it has a point system which is great as many people I know have followed this method and lost a great deal of weight.

For myself these days, Weight Watchers wasn't doable for me; for a number of reasons. One, it is quite expensive and truthfully I do not have that money in my budget... I would prefer to spend the 18-19 dollars per week on fruit or vegetables.  Second, there isn't a place that is close by me to go to a meeting and get weighed in... I would like to do it on an early morning but then I would have to have someone watch Valentina so that I could  attend.  So for these two main reasons it was not a viable option for me.

When I had a prayer that I needed something to get me motivated to finally lose the weight and not just lose the weight but become healthy.  I knew the answer to my prayer came in the form of the contest we had at work... the email came out about two days after I prayed about it... Instantly I knew that this was the catalyst that I needed.  My sister then mentioned to me about the Fitness Pal app I could put on my phone and I excitedly used it, I had a little to learn but now, I do not go a day without filling in all the food I eat and keeping track of my water and my exercise.

This brings me to the other app I just love, that one is Map My Walk... one of the girls mentioned it to me at work, I don't go outside without my phone and if I am going further than the grocery store... I turn it on and really put in the effort to walk.  I love being able to see the routes I took and how fast I took the routes... in just one month I have completely changed my lifestyle with these two fabulous apps on my phone. I want to say one thing, I post all my walks on my Facebook, not to say... look at me, look how far I walked, look how fast I walked... I do it to be accountable to myself.

You cannot trick this app, it works by GPS and I have to be moving... there are days I think I am tired, I don't feel like walking but remind myself how great it will feel to actually complete the walk and every single time I can tell you I am so grateful for each walk I take.  It pushes me to take the next one and the one after that... I try hard not to walk in the middle of the day when the heat is the hottest but there are days that this is the only time for me to get a walk in, so I go for the walk.

I am dedicated to this and not just for the here and now but for the future... I understand and I am good with the fact that I will always have to count calories and I will always have to exercise.  I am not thinking whew... once I get this weight off I am going to splurge or sit around and say, I did it, I lost it... I will still be active, I will still think of the food I am putting into my mouth.  I will have a slice of pizza, a slice of cake, a cookie... I am not going to deprive myself and never let myself have any of these items in the future but for now... I don't feel deprived... my treat is getting on that scale every single Friday and seeing the weight come off... that is what makes me smile.

What works for me does not necessarily mean will work for everyone... I think each of us has to find the plan that works for us individually.  Besides I am in the zone more than I have ever been in my life, I have so much to prove to myself, I can do this, I will do this... I am going to get a handle on my weight... I deserve to take care of myself, I am worth the effort.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Turning A Corner To Loving Myself No Matter What

I ended up having a great walk/jog last night... so much so that once it cools down I'm going for another one tonight.  Last nights exercise was for one point seven miles, I would love to go for the full two miles.  I can only do these in the evening or on the weekends as I carry a backpack to work which makes it uncomfortable to jog while wearing it...

I not only did that walk/jog last night, I did the two miles tonight... it was awesome.  I think I am becoming an exercise junky... I love the adrenaline and how strong I feel... I also know that  with the added exercise I am incorporating into my life that it means I will be gaining muscle which will mean that I might slow down on the weight loss but it will help me to burn calories better.  Regardless, there is no turning back now, I know that I can do this, it is all within my reach... the only one that can stop me is me.

I was feeling overwhelmed last night and my mind/body/soul ... that small voice we have inside wasn't enjoying the emotions I had to feel.  The first thing I thought was why not do this?  Why not do that?  You don't have to feel this, there is a way out of these feelings.  I thought long and hard about opting out of feeling, not wanting to have to deal with the painful thoughts that were there.  Then I threw on my yoga pants, my tank top, grabbed my phone and went for a walk/jog... It felt good... it didn't stop the sad feelings but it felt good not to fall into the old traps I used to fall into.
Every single day is a battle for me as I am sure it is for everyone else... everyday I think it would be easier to just give up, give in... Thankfully, there is something inside me that is pushing me this time, telling me I can do it, I can succeed... Going backwards might mean I would never move forward again.  Although moving forward is hard, really hard... the hardest thing I have ever done, I am doing it.

I had a really long talk with my sister today and she asked me some tough questions, the same things she asked herself... why do we think so little of ourselves that we accept less then we deserve?  She wonders if it is because we felt so ignored by our father growing up, we wanted him to notice that our ex step mother Ruth was abusing us and he seemed so oblivious to it all... like we didn't matter.  We all had our ways of trying to get his attention, trying to make him see that we needed him to protect us.  We didn't know then that he was so damaged himself that he was incapable of seeing how much we were hurting.

Even as an adult I can see now that he just wasn't capable of seeing his surroundings, he was in pain too... he used drugs, alcohol, food and women to cover all the pain he was carrying inside.  Unfortunately we as little girls didn't understand that and we all kept trying to make some man love us, surely if some man could love us, we were worthy of love... Through the years with counseling and self growth, I have come to love myself and realize that no man would ever love me unless I were to love myself.

I think that was why losing my David was so difficult, I had come to a point in my life that I loved myself and felt that it was really possible for someone to love me too... Then he didn't love me either and I started going backwards but none of it felt good... none of it covered the pain... I had to deal with it... and it was so hard, I had to come to a point in my life that I had to continue to love myself no matter what...  I realized that it was David's loss for not seeing how wonderful we could be together... how much we could enrich each others lives.

I am worth loving, I deserve to be loved... I love myself and I am not going to forget that... that little girl inside me may still feel lost at times and may feel that I need to do anything possible to cover the pain but I will not let her pain be mine.  I will love her until she loves herself...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Life's A Lesson, Live It, Learn It, Love It

I ended up having a pretty good day with Valentina... I had wanted to go to the lake but found out they were closed due to the bacteria count... so, we ended up at an outdoor pool.  If it was up to Valentina, she would have swam all day but two hours was my limit of sitting around doing nothing and I needed to head home.  I'm glad we went downtown for a couple of hours, I even got in a short walk... I'm planning on a longer one tonight.

I feel the need to walk, I have SO much going on in my mind and I just need to be able to clear my mind.  I wonder if that is even possible?  However; it does feel great to walk and push myself beyond what I think I am able to handle... plus all this exercise is amazingly good for me... I love how great I feel... One month ago I never would have believed I could walk this much and actually feel good.

I'm feeling a little melancholy... especially after what I wrote to my David last night... the ONLY way that came out through a text was because it was inside me...  He's been busy and we haven't had the time to talk like we normally do, which is hard for me as I save up all that I need to say to him and once we talk it spills out so fast I am hardly breathing.  Then I can sigh and take a deep breath... I need a good chat with my best friend.
Doesn't talking with your best friend help make things better?  Or at least give you a better perspective?  That's what my David does for me... he helps me to see things differently...  he makes me laugh.... although I have laughed lately, I haven't laughed the way I do with him... One of those silly, giggly laughs where I do nothing but smile...

I know this is going to sound silly... I'm looking forward to turning 50, which is in ten days.  My life is pretty good... not perfect but good (perfection does not exist)... I love that I have goals that I'm working towards... I am watching them all come to pass... one after the other.  I just have to continue to believe that everything will work out as it should.

I read this quote/saying on my friend Jaimie's Facebook page and wanted to share it... even if we have heard similar things often it is wonderful to be reminded of them, especially when times are a little rough: 

 Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived. Sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.

Life's a lesson. Live it, learn it, love it

Even though life does not go my way as often as I would like it to... I need to be reminded that I am truly blessed... It's okay to be a little sad, a little reflective and a little melancholy at times... just as long as we don't wallow in it all the time...  That last line is very true... Life's a lesson, live it, learn it, love it....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Flexibility With Change

So the weather that refused to co operate with Andrea and Paul while they were here for their visit has now showed up.  Today is Saturday and all week this day has been calling for rain, so I planned to finally clean Valentina's room... well lo and behold it is beautiful, hot and sunny... so my plan has changed for this day as I feel it would be better if we went for a walk and went swimming at the lake.  Sometimes we have to be flexible and change our plans, the room will always be there for us to clean, a nice sunny Saturday spent at the lake will not always be there.

Last night when I got home from work I caught up on all my blogs and  then I was going to write but I was so exhausted that I decided to lay down, well that little nap turned into a full night sleep.  My body does get wiped out occasionally, I push it a lot lately.  Between waking it up at 4:00 or 4:30 am from Monday to Friday and then making it walk at least 2 miles every morning... by Friday night my body has had enough and makes the decision to rejuvenate itself by making me get some sleep.. hence why I rarely wake up to an alarm on Saturday mornings.

I do get up at a better time on Saturday, I used to sleep until almost noon but I don't like wasting my whole day off, especially when it is so beautiful outside. I am grateful for all my life changes and for how good all of them are making me feel.  I have more energy than I thought I would ever have, I am able to walk for great periods of time without pain or exhaustion.  I am seeing the results in my body becoming more and more toned each week and I am seeing it on the scales.  Yesterday was weigh in day and I have to admit I was nervous... I know the weight is going to take time to come off, especially since I am almost 50, there are no quick solutions... so I am trying to be realistic about the weight loss.
I hopped on the scale, stood there and didn't look down for a couple of minutes... I knew I had eaten properly and I had definitely put the effort into walking but I wondered if it would reflect on the scales... I finally looked down and saw that I had lost 2.8 pounds, so that is now a total of 17.8 pounds in four weeks and I have to say it feels wonderful.  I even went out and bought a measuring tape after work and finally took my measurements. I will be taking them twice a month, it would have been nice to have them from the beginning but that's okay, I am starting here now. 

I have people telling me that I need to treat myself from time to time... however; I don't think I am depriving myself, so I don't feel the need to treat myself.  Not that I won't ever eat what people consider 'a treat' again as that would be totally unrealistic but for now I want my body to only eat extremely healthy food.  My idea of a treat is having a small non fat frozen yogurt from Yogen Fruz... it has 100 calories and it tastes divine.  I don't feel the need to eat fried foods, chocolate or chips... I want my body to get used to the good food and then have a 'treat' on occasion as it was meant to be. This is a decision for myself and for my family... it isn't something I think everyone has to live by.  This decision is a personal one.

Anyhow, a funny story... I always say good night to my David by texting him... well last night I woke up around 11:30 or so and decided to send him a quick goodnight before I drifted off again... well, I woke up and looked down at my text that I had sent and it said Love you... lol... Okay, I do love him but I don't usually text that to him because we are best friends now... I then sent another quick one to say I actually meant to say goodnight and talk to you soon... Apparently I should never send a text when I am drifting off to sleep, as what is in my heart comes out in the text... Note to myself, only text when I am wide awake going forward.

My David probably didn't know what to think... I rarely say how I feel to him as he has moved on even if my heart has not.  I recognize and understand that he has moved on... apparently my heart does not.   So when I am as exhausted as I was last night, everything spills out and I am not clearly awake enough to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself.  I guess my heart takes over from time to time and finds a way to let my feelings out whether I like it or not... 
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Excuses Or Solutions

So, the past two days have been good with getting cleaned and organized.  The living room and the kitchen both look very good... all cleaned, mopped and de-cluttered.  Tonight I am going to complete my room and the bathroom, so that I can get groceries on Friday and then tackle my sweet Valentina's room on Saturday.  I know that one is going to be scary, she has the large bedroom and neither one of us can barely walk around due to the papers and toys...  many people have told me to let her clean it, if I did that her room would never be cleaned... she would be way to overwhelmed.  What she needs is assistance to really purge so that the bedroom does not get out of control in the future.  I do believe that as she gets older she should be maintaining her own room but until she is a little older I will help her so that she will not become completely overwhelmed. 

Tomorrow is weigh in day, it will be 28 days of walking and eating healthy.  I definitely feel better, I don't get as tired or out of breath when I walk up a hill, I don't have to take a break, I can just walk from my home to the bridge which is two and a half miles and roughly 45 to 50 minutes. The next challenge for me is actually crossing the bridge to the bus station in Dartmouth and then taking the bus from there to work, that would add roughly another mile to my morning walk.  Although I am afraid of heights, I need to get passed this one so that I can continue to challenge myself with the walking. I don't want it to be easy, if it was I am sure it won't be helping me to tone up or lose weight.   I am also contemplating buying a bike in the Spring, I should most likely have 40-50 pounds taken off by that time and then I could bike around the city.  I know many people who bike all year, that will not be me... the winter and the rain are not a fun idea of traveling for me, nor are they safe.
Now if I can convince Valentina that biking is fun, that way we could bike together... some of my fondest memories of growing up was when my two sisters and I would go biking all over the city.  We used to have quite the escapades, once time we thought we would take the back entrance into Clayton Park (Fairview and Clayton Park are built on hills) we came face to face with a massive hill and not one of us were able to drive the whole way up, we learned to drive in from Fairview so that the incline was more gradual.  That would be a great hill to walk up, it would really challenge me, I might do that the next clear day... one where there is some wind.  I am continually tying to think of things that I can challenge myself with... The one think I really need to work on is strength training as I have the weakest upper body, I am taking things slowly with that though, I don't want to injure myself... I want to build muscle slowly and learn how to do these exercises properly.

I am also going to swim this year, I used to love it so much but as I became bigger... I felt less comfortable with it, so I am going to get past that fear and just go swimming for the love of swimming.  I am hoping by the time the winter hits, I will be so involved with many activities that I will find a way to keep it up, no matter how cold it is outside.  I also want to set a good example for Valentina so that exercising and eating properly will become second nature to her.  I just read on FaceBook or Instagram that someone I know was looking for tips on how to get in shape, she advised she didn't have time for the gym as she is a working mom... that used to be my excuse.  Now I make time, that is the only way anyone can get into shape and get healthy. Until we are willing to do what we need to do to get healthy, we will have excuses that will hold us back... I had excuses... until I stopped with the excuses and got moving, I continued to gain the weight and came up with more excuses.  I am the only one who can lose the weight, no one can do it for me... I had to just start and keep going... it is becoming second nature for me.  If I can make it a priority, anyone should be able to... I am a very busy girl with working, traveling back and forth, being a mama and blogging regularly.

I think I have been one of the best excuse makers I know, if someone made a suggestion on how I could make a change, I had an excuse why it wouldn't work.  By changing the way I ate and exercised in the past month... it has made me think about the other excuses I come up with... the one about being able to clean my house, it just wasn't a priority.  Once I decided that it was top priority it is now getting done, unfortunately it is as simple as that... I am a girl that has looked for excuses all my life so that I could get away with my choices and behavior, now I am a girl is constantly coming up with solutions.  Which girl or guy do you want to be... the one with excuses or the one with solutions?
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future