Seeing The Light Eventually

I spent my whole Saturday busy with Valentina and cleaning.  First, I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time Friday night.  Second I went to an Easter egg hunt with Valentina on Saturday morning. The third thing was cleaning, laundry, dishes and a total re-do of my bedroom. Thankfully a friend came over and helped me clean and organize my room... I was so exhausted I just passed out after she left.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster... I'm agitated and snappy or I'm crying.  My friend said that it is normal with everything I have handled for the past year or so.  She explained that grief and loss can take two years or more to get through.  Most people think I should just be over it... so I hide it, let people think I'm okay... when sometimes I'm just not.  I almost feel like I don't have the right to be sad ... but I do.  

If I don't allow myself to be sad occasionally ...  I will forever sabotage any growth possibility.  I need to be able to cry, maybe if I let myself cry... I'll finally be able to heal.  I really think the answer to dealing with pain is head on, I need to cry, be angry or whatever else it takes to get through the loss.  Why do people think that getting over losing someone or a dream is easy?  Why are people afraid to let other people grieve in their own time?  There are people who think I should just take a pill to heal myself but I don't think that's the answer... that just masks the pain and I never end up actually dealing with it. 
I was reading Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love today and I read this paragraph:
The metaphor of today is exciting and a reminder that no matter how dark it might seem, no matter what we might be going through, the sun will rise again and we will be reborn stronger, wiser and with greater insight than we had before. 
I know that the day will come where I will be stronger and wiser... until that day comes, I will deal with my pain more openly.  That means no more hiding, no more covering, no more everything is fine when it isn't... That does not mean I will be a total downer, I have ups and downs like everyone but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is fine just to please others.  That also means that I am going to start a conversation that I am afraid to start but if I never start it, I will never know.
Dealing with loss and pain SUCKS, if it was easy, none of us would mind... it's not easy though.  I am doing this for me, even if it means I lose something I love very much... what is the use in loving something if I cannot love it openly.  There is no use in that, it only causes more pain down the road.
Once you see the light, you come to understand just how deeply in the dark you have been. ~ Amethyst Wyldfyre
This quote above reminds me that I have seen the light before on many things I was in the dark about... I will see the light about this too...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Marcia from 'Menopausal Mother'

Today I want to introduce you  to Marcia from Menopausal Mother... I can tell you this, I was instantly hooked as she has the most wicked humor, I know that when she posts that I am in for a hearty laugh.  Sometimes I laugh so hard that my belly hurts, in a good way.  Since I am in the starting phases of menopause, I get the greatest kick out of how she explains what a woman goes through.  I can tell you one thing, our mother's never explained how awful menopause is.... Basically when a hot flash hits, you are sure your body is on fire.... it usually starts from your head and moves down...

I asked Marcia to write a little about herself, so that you can all get to know and love her as I do.

     Hello Everyone! I am so happy and honored to be asked by the lovely Launna to share a bit about Menopausal Mother today on her blog! I'm a middle aged mama blogging about the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. I have four children (3 young adults and 1 ornery teenager) and a husband who I'm pretty sure is Robin Williams' long lost twin brother. 

     Before I discovered the benefits of Prozac, I began blogging to restore my sanity. Between hot flashes, weight gain, night sweats and fatigue, I was stuck riding that crazy, hormonal train wreck known as menopause, until I discovered the world of blogging. It was comforting to find an entire community of frustrated women out there just like me, going through the same bouts of secret, chocolate binge-eating in linen closets and swilling cheap wine out of a box in the fridge. 

     When I'm not busy blogging, I'm usually playing with my five, furry chinchillas or changing diapers on my toddler pug. On any given day you'll find me baking (rum cakes are my specialty) or smashing my bathroom scale with a sledge hammer (we never seem to agree on numbers). I'm a nervous person who chews on her cuticles all day (my fingertips look like they've been through a cheese grater) and I have an unnatural fear of making left turns at major intersections. You'll never see me set foot on an airplane again (unless copious amounts of vodka are involved) and I have an overwhelming phobia of cockroaches. I also hate ear wax, un-flushed toilets and dirty toenails, but that's beside the point. I love squirrels, zombies, Johnny Depp, Godiva chocolates and Guy Fieri....but not all together and not necessary in that order. Starbucks is my crack and Pinot Grigio in my backyard garden is my favorite pastime. My blog is 95% humor, wanna learn more? Check out my site at: 

Here are a couple of my recent favorite blog posts of Marcia's:

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Finding The Purpose Of Me

Before I went in to the hospital in January, I watched an Oprah Life Class (yes, I am huge fan) where she had Rick Warren on who wrote the book The Purpose Drive Life. I finally had a chance to pick up the book and I started to read  it last night.  It has a 40 day challenge where I will be reading one chapter per day for 40 days.  They are not particularly long chapters but there is a lot of thought that goes into each chapter. What I have planned to do is start this on Sunday, I will read the chapter, post the question and then give my answer to the question in my blog post. 

It won't be the only thing I blog about but I think this journey of 40 days that I am taking should be documented in someway.  I am sure I will have epiphanies as I go through each chapter and questioning some of my thought patterns. I want to find my purpose, get my life somewhat on track... I know I am not here to amass things, although nice... things do not fill me up.  If I can find my purpose, maybe I can find joy on a more constant basis. 

I have often heard the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle, which believe me... I question this when I am going through a particularly rough time. I don't handle all challenges well, I have been known to yell when I am tired of handling something difficult.  I feel guilty later when I know that other people are dealing with so much more on their plates than I am.  I am reminded daily though that I have been given challenges that I can and will overcome... I was not meant to fail, I was meant to succeed.  We were all meant to succeed, I think that is what we are afraid of more than anything else, succeeding.

When you succeed, people expect more... when I say people, I really mean me.  If I don't succeed, than not very much is expected from me... Except I know better, I expect better.... and mostly I deserve better. I am really looking forward to this journey for me, I read the first chapter but I am going to reread it on Sunday and start it more seriously then.  I think giving 40 days to really ponder, challenge and question myself to figure out my purpose is not a lot to ask of me. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Joy From Challenges

 In one week I will be back to work, I am kind of excited... I know that will wear off with the first crazy busy day.  However; I miss the interaction with people, talking to my teammates every day and dealing with clients.  This really is a good job for me, I love to talk and I can usually make my clients laugh and feel good after they have spoken with me. 

I have been thinking about how long it has been since I have felt complete joy, I have joyful moments, what I mean is a prolonged joy where everything seems to come together.  I don't suppose that we could grow to our potential if all we ever experienced was joy.  It really is those trials that we endure, overcome, get through that end up bringing us the most joy.

I hold on to that thought as I deal with my trials, I will get through them... I always do.  Some just take a little longer, I think when I make it through a really difficult trial... I will be able to see why the trial was needed to push me out of my comfort zone, so that I don't settle for less than my best.  I deal with depression which can be difficult to handle, I decided a year ago that I didn't like the way pills made me feel.   Sure I rarely cried but I also rarely felt anything, I felt it was better to be able to cry and let out some emotion.  I don't think that this is a way for everyone to deal with depression, this is just how I handle mine.

Besides I am so jaded from taking any pills other than an occasional Advil or antibiotic.  I am going to start taking natural vitamins.  After my issue with my cholesterol medication, I am very leery of taking any pharmaceuticals... that was very scary for me when I could barely walk with the medication causing weakness to my muscles.  The last couple of days I have felt more myself when walking, other than I need to build up core strength.  I will be looking at natural ways to handle any of my health issues in the future...

I didn't sleep very much last night, maybe three hours.... Tonight I am going to change my sheets and than I am going to take a relaxing hot bubble bath...  that should help me drift off to dreamland.  It is all about doing things naturally for my body as much as possible, I cannot handle the side effects of most medication I have taken in the past.

Friday I am going to blog about another favorite blogger of mine, she has me in stitches with each post, I have to read her blog when I am alone or people around would think I was crazy laughing so loud... alright, I already hear my family and friends saying, can she laugh any louder than she does now... hahaha...   I hope you all take the opportunity to visit some of their blogs.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future   

A Day Of Catching Up

I have had a hectic couple of days, the first thing is that I have a slight infection in my graft site, I am taking antibiotics... every six hours for ten days.  I am sure it will be cleared up by the time I am back to work.  I feel fine, I am even walking without my lovely (NOT) purple cane.  I am still building up muscle from being so stationary for so long.  I have been getting out a little each day and gaining a little strength slowly.

I finally purchased a new computer after twelve long years, I am very happy about this as my old one was sooo sluggish and slow that it would take me about an hour to get a blog post out after I wrote it.  I can see it will be much easier as it does not freeze up like my old one.  However; I have to say I am so very technically challenged and as much as I love technology, I also become incredibly frustrated easily. 

I had it set up yesterday and it took until late in the evening for me to figure out how to operate Window 8... lol.   Most of it is set up, I just need the scanner/printer and the sound hooked up.  I am letting Valentina use the old one, once we can get that one back up on line, I will need to move everything from that computer to this one... oh joy oh bliss.  All I can say is thank goodness for Cindy and any of my other techy friends.

I spent the majority of the evening tonight catching up on the blogs that I follow, I love reading other peoples stories about their lives.  What I love most about blogging is the connection with people all over the world.  I think it is amazing how I can converse with people in Finland, Poland, Australia, England, Romania, Brazil... I know I am leaving out countries, I apologize  and of course I cannot leave out North America.

When I think of growing up in the early seventies, I realize how small my world was... technology changed very little back then.  It sped up a lot in the nineties and for me it became a challenge to keep up.  I have to thank my oldest daughter Andrea, she led me into the new century of technology, with her love of every new gadget, as well she was so proficient in their uses. 

Although I adore all the new items to keep us more connected, I sometimes wonder if it doesn't disconnect us with the over load.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Fear Can Be A Good Intuition

I read a book called 'The Gift Of Fear' in the mid eighties... I never forgot the message of the author.  What it stated was that women have a tendency to be too nice and most of all we don't listen to our own intuition.  We think we are being silly or rude, so we ignore our own feelings.

About a year after I read the book, I was coming home in a taxi.  We drove by two guys walking away from my building... I suddenly had a feeling to have my keys out and be ready to get into my building.  No sooner did I think that and I saw the two guys turn back towards my building.

I felt a healthy fear that made me calmly and quickly enter my building, the door usually closed slowly but something told me to take a moment and push it shut.  I raced to my apartment, entered and then stood behind the door listening.

Within a moment I heard two mens voices in the hall... one of them said 'Where did she go so quickly?' and the other one sounded just as bewildered.  I was standing behind the door shaking, realizing that I had felt fear and I had listened to myself even though I thought it was silly and I was grateful for that.

I have had a few of these incidents in my life... I was always grateful when I listened to my inner intuition.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Don't Need A Measuring Tape Anymore

I have written about Mastin Kip from The Daily Love before and how he writes a blog that inspires me to be a better version of myself daily.  I was reading through some quotes and I came across this one by Mastin that rang very true for me.  How often have I thought I wanted to be more like this person or more like that person... when what I need to do is stop measuring myself against other people.  We all have different challenges and some of us are really good at hiding it to the world.  I don't necessarily think that hiding is a good thing, I am sure it comes out in other ways in their lives... something that doesn't show outwardly. 

I then read the above quote and I felt how if I could wake up each morning as a child does, excited to go to school or play.  Whatever the day held, I was excited for the most part... I lost a lot of that over the years.  I can get it back though, all I have to do is wake up in the right mindset and start looking for things that excite me, things that give me feelings of passion... That way I will stop measuring myself against others, than I can become the best me...

I want to forgive myself when I don't measure up to what or where I think I should be.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to practice excellence in whatever I put my heart into... it means that I am not going to put myself down if it takes me bit longer to achieve all my goals.  It is not about how quick you attain a goal, for me it is more about showing myself that I won't give up on myself and I will be loving with myself. 

Basically I don't need a measuring tape anymore...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Some Memories Always Make Me Laugh

Today I was reminded of a class trip I took when I was fourteen and in grade nine.  We had four grade nine classes with about 25-30 per class, we all went on a day trip to some caves in Nova Scotia. Half of the group went into the caves in the morning and when they came out from their excursion, the second group which I was a part of started off for their chance to explore some caves.

We had to walk along a path that had a steep gravel drop off to one side, of course I slipped and ended up sliding down the gravel, with nothing to stop me... thankfully a couple of teachers were there and were able to reach me before I slid to the bottom.  I never strayed close to the edge after that, I learned my lesson.  After finally walking over the narrow path, we reached the mouth of the cave.  My classmates went before me, I climbed in, attempted to step down, found I had caught my foot in between two rocks....

I ceremoniously fell into the cave, losing my hard hat that another teacher had to retrieve for me.  By this point, I wanted to get out of the cave and go home, however; that was not an option.  I trudged along in the dark with my friends and a small flashlight.  My feet were sinking into mud, I pulled my food out and somehow lost my sneaker... I had to fish into the mud to find it.

Finally our exploring was over and I was finally FREE to get back to civilization.  While walking out, we had to walk over a brook using some strategic rocks.... by this point I laughed and walked into the brook... really after all that I had dealt with that day a little brook wasn't going to hurt me.  I climbed onto the bus, found a seat and prepared to get comfortable for the ride home.

While adjusting my clothing and brushing off dried mud, I realized my underwear were sticking out of my pants... all I can tell you is I was more shades of red that day than I can remember.  It is always hard to be a teenager and not fit in, the stories later though are so much funnier than they were on the day they happened.

I remember thinking, wow.... how am I going to live this down... teenagers are not always nice.  I wish I could tell that fourteen old girl (me) that those people wouldn't matter later in life and that actually the incident turned out to be a great memory that makes me laugh every time I think of it. 

We all need to laugh at ourselves a little more often and not be so serious.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Kindness Begins With Me

Kindness beings with me

I have been thinking about the way we treat each other... I know that I have been guilty of taking on other peoples moods, however; there have been those times that I have turned it around and by the time the encounter is over, the person has taken on my mood. I believe it all begins with kindness and it begins with me... I am going to make a concerted effort to not let other peoples moods change mine. 

My day goes better when I don't allow other peoples bad emotions to dictate mine.  I deal with clients at my job and I have found that when I show a bit of kindness for whatever issue they have, they have shown great gratitude and actually thanked me for my kind attitude.  I have to say those calls are the best, the ones where I felt I made someones day. 
I have had those people when I have had to call in for an issue... where I might not have been in the happiest mood but they show me a little kindness and by the time the call is over, I have adopted there good mood. What we really need to remember and when I say we... I really mean me, we are all dealing with a lot, if we can remember that and show a little kindness, we could actually make someones day a bit brighter.

I am going to remember this the most with my family and friends... this is where I need to start being more aware of my mood, the more kind I am with the people close to me, the more they will feel like spreading that kindness to others.  I am not a Pollyanna... I am aware there are people I will deal with that no matter how kind I am, they will not change their attitude.  That's okay, what I am saying is that I want to continue to be kind in spite of their attitude... we are all dealing with many battles.  I want kindness to begin with me.
 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

A Belief Is Only A Thought You Continue To Think

"A belief is only a thought you continue to think. A belief is nothing more than a chronic pattern of thought, and you have the ability -if you try even a little bit- to begin a new pattern, to tell a new story, to achieve a different vibration, to change your point of attraction." - Esther Hicks

I know the quote or statement above is true, I have seen this work in my life on so many occasions.  Yet I am still stuck in some of my old beliefs, I am working on a new story... a new dream.  I don't want my old beliefs to win, I need to find things that inspire me to change my point of attraction.

When I read that quote, I think it sounds a bit simplistic... Can it really be that easy?  Just tell ourselves another story?  I can't deny that this hasn't worked in very important events in my life, since it has.  It doesn't or hasn't worked for me when it comes to emotional things though, emotions are ever changing and it isn't easy to pin them down.  They kind of have a mind of their own, especially when you first fall in love.  I lose all perspective and focus, I am in a bubble and nothing else exists.

What I need to do in the future is have a new belief... one in myself, one where I know I deserve good things and happiness as much as the next person.  If I don't start believing this for myself now, I will continually run in that old belief circle where I always end up disappointed in myself because I never took the chance to believe in me.

I am grateful for each hurtle that I reach and overcome as it teaches me more about myself and shows me where I want to go. Some changes are easier than others, some are down right painful... almost unbearable but needed if I am ever to change the beliefs I have.  I am ready....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Plan To Dance

So, I know I have been in an odd mood lately, it's part of life.  It is not easy to be upbeat and happy all the time, we all have our off days.  When I am having those days, I often feel like I shouldn't write because I want to be positive in my blog.  However; when those days come I find if I write everything out that it helps.... ultimately, that is the reason I started writing this blog, I wanted a place where I could say how I feel at any given moment.

I read and follow a great deal of blogs, there are many types that I enjoy reading... one particular type of blog I really like following are the ones where they open themselves up completely.  I usually connect with those bloggers the most as they are able to capture sheer sadness or joy with just a passage or a  picture.  They evoke feelings in me and I love when someone can touch me like that, it's not always that easy. 

I  have learned over time the best thing for me to do is write my feelings out, then I seem to deal with them better... when they are out in the open, they don't seem as daunting.  My attitude is really this, be yourself and have fun... life is too short not to enjoy the beauty that is offered to us daily.  I love the song 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack, basically enjoy ourselves in anyway we can in life...

I often need to say how I feel, so that down the road I don't live with regret and say why didn't I take the chance to say how I felt, even if I didn't always get the response I hoped for...  I think regret would be the hardest thing to live with later on in life... I don't plan to sit my life out, I plan to dance as often as possible.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Gail from Gail's Forum awarded me this Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  I have had a few of these awarded to me in the past year.  I feel grateful and honored to be chosen each time.... I usually get busy with work or home and never get around to reciprocating the award to others. Since I am off, I thought I would take this opportunity to give this to others that inspire me as well.

1. Display the award logo on your Blog:

Done :)

2. Link back to the person who nominated you:

The link is in my first paragraph for Gail from Gail's Forum

3. State 7 things about yourself:

1.  My favorite color is lime green but I also love pink and purple.
2. I am a mother to two girls and a glama nana to Jackson.
3.  I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia ~ perfect size city to raise children in.
4.  My hair is naturally an auburn color but now it comes from a bottle and it always will ;)
5.  I can out talk the best of people, except maybe my David... he knows how    to talk as much as I do... ;)
6.  I want to go to Europe and specifically I want to go to Portugal and Spain.
7.  I love dancing and I am considering taking Zumba classes.

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them:

There are more than 15 bloggers that inspire me regularly, However I have chosen five people that really make me think and ponder. You can choose as many people as you like :)

1.   Susanna from Behind My Eyes
2.  Armando from blog literario y fotografico
3.  Nikki from Gentle Recovery
4.  Daisy from More Where That Came From
5.  Keith from Musings Of An Unapologetic Dreamer

5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

I will notify everyone as soon as I post this, also I understand if you are unable to do this, I just want all these people to know they inspire me.

I want to thank Gail for nominating me, I am grateful that she feels I am inspiring.  I found her blog about a year ago and I was instantly hooked, she is honest, open, real... she was born in New Brunswick, Canada and now resides in Toronto Ontario.  I am always inspired when I read Gail's blog ;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Wish There Was A Dream Store...

I finally got some sleep, not so much last night but today... which means I may not be able to sleep tonight.  It's difficult to always know what to do when it comes to sleeping in the day but I have tried the day without a nap and still was not able to sleep.  It's because there are times that I lay my head down, close my eyes and then all my feelings bombard me.  If I sleep though I can't control my thoughts and emotions like I can when I am awake but when I sleep all I do is dream of David. How am I supposed to get over him if all I ever do is dream about him in my sleep. 

I have been trying to get over it by controlling my thoughts... that only works for so long.  Bottling up those feelings only enhances the emotions when something like a song comes on that has me sobbing and wishing...  I had never known anyone that I could totally be myself with and say whatever was on my mind and not once felt judged, until I reconnected with him.  Feeling so in sync with another person and seeing a long term future... for me an eternity.  That is the dream that is hard to give up.

I am having a hard time dealing with all the let downs I have had in the past year and a half... which then makes me feel ungrateful.  It is an endless circle I run in lately, part of me wants to find a way to deal with it all and just move on... I don't want to cry just because I hear a song, see something that reminds me that this was not the the way it was supposed to be. 

I have accepted my present and I am working on moving on... it's losing the future dreams that are more difficult.  What I need to do is find a new dream for the future... and then have that be what I dream about when I am sleeping.  I might actually be able to sleep then...  Now to find that dream... is there a dream store?  If only it was that easy....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future