Waiting Patiently

Everyone always says that good things come to those who wait, I have used it myself from time to time. I wonder how true this is when I see so many people are having such a difficult time with no end in sight. Then I think maybe it's because they are thinking negatively and you draw to you whatever you think. Maybe that's why I don't have who I want in my life right now because he can sense that I wonder if I deserve to have him. I try to be positive but when a person has been disappointed so many times, it is hard to keep yourself up. Do I still believe that if you think good thoughts and are grateful for all that you have that eventually you will have what you want, I do! I just think I have made the road longer by not believing fully that I deserve the best.

So, I have decided to patiently wait for what I want, everything else has come to me, this will too. In the meantime, I plan to work on myself and make myself worthy of what I want. I am trying to be present while eating so that I don't just eat to stuff feelings down, I am fianlly seeing some results. It has been slow going but if I really want to be honest, the weight didn't go on overnight, it will take some time to come off. Next, I need to incorporate some exercise, eating right is great but without exercise it might take a whole lot longer. So, going to attempt to get back to the gym and put some effort in, it will be great to see some real results. I should be able to do this in the next couple of weeks when hopefully I change shifts so that I can go to the gym after work.

I don't want the weight to own me and control how I feel, I want to be able to just get up and go, feeling the best that I possibly can. I just need to put the effort out there, do what I am able and I am sure the rest will take care of itself.

Is Forever Enough?

I had another restless sleep last night, never ending dreams, the kind that make it hard to really to feel rested. Then I made it to work and had tough calls and then became all emotional because of it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get a handle on my feelings? Thank goodness for my cubicle so people couldn't see my melt downs.

I also keep thinking about how I accept less then what I deserve, I am always trying to please who I want, thinking it will show how much I care. It is never enough though, it seems people want the uncertainty, instead of having what they know. Why is it that I don't feel that I am good enough being just me? Maybe because when I feel someone likes me for me they walk away.

I think relationships are difficult enough without having the right chemistry. With me, I have to have butterfly feelings where my belly does flip flops when a man kisses me. If I don't have that, it is meaningless and not worth it at all. There have been very few men in my life that I have kissed that know how to kiss. It always amazes me, you would think that a man would want to kiss a woman properly so that she would be his forever. Kissing does that for me, if a man can kiss and he can give me butterfly flip flops than he can pretty well have my heart. That is a rare thing to find in life, I had it once before and I knew when I lost it that if was really something hard to lose, I had a difficult time getting over that and then I finally did and now I want the kind of guy that is there all the time, just talking, watching a movie, cuddling, we don't have to talk all the time, silence is great sometimes. I just want someone who wants to be with me, just being there. Someone to snuggle up to every night, someone to wake up to every morning.

Only forever is enough anymore, I need that, I deserve that. I don't want to accept less anymore, accepting anything less is not loving myself enough.

I wouldn't want to change my past as I would not be who I am today but I don't want to keep repeating the same things over and over. Challenges are fine, they help you grow but when it is the same one, it makes me wonder what I haven't learned yet?

Missing What I Want And Need

My mind is constantly on one thought, I get myself off it and then boom, reminders are there always. Just popping up. It's exasperating and I think I just need to stop and yet I don't. My feelings remind me of the song by Wilson Philips, A Reason To Believe.

Someone like you makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you makes it easy to give, never think of myself
Someone like you makes it hard to think about somebody else

I love these words it is exactly how I feel right now and I have been for quite sometime. I don't even care what other people think, I only care about what I want.

I am missing what I want so much, trying to figure out how I am going to handle not having what I want yet. I can't turn my mind off, I dream all night and then day dream all day. There are days that it is overwhelming and I try so hard not to think, not to feel but the thoughts and feelings are there no matter how hard I try to change it.

Sometimes on the way to work, I just start to feel emotional about what I want and I feel so foolish for losing it. You would think I was more grown up than that but then I realize that the older you get doesn't mean that you are not effected by your emotions. Deep down inside, no matter how much we age we are still the same insecure teenager we were when we were growing up. I thought those years were behind me but they are not, I still feel like I did when I was younger. I feel like somethings are out of my grasp, like things will never change and I may never have that ultimate dream. I know it's silly, I know the truth of the Secret and I know that is just my fear.

I guess it was just so imbedded in me when I was younger, I still remember the words my step mother told me and my sisters when I was younger. She told my other two sisters that atleast when someone loved me, it would be for me and not for what I looked like. Hmmm... nice, she instilled in me that I didn't have the right look, that someone would have to see past my looks to love me.

Is she right that no one could see past to see the real me, to love the real me? Could anyone truly want me for me? I am disappointed that I allow those thoughts to shape who I am. I have worked so hard to move passed them.

It's a good thing I am seeing a councillor and working on those past thoughts, making changes to them. Surely I can move past them and know the truth and then maybe I can have my ultimate desire.

Dealing With Frustration

When I know how something is supposed to work out, it frustrates me so much when it takes so long.  I want it be quick, I want what I want right now. I haven't stopped believing by a long shot but sometimes the final result feels so far away and out of reach.

I keep thinking there is something I can do or say to expedite it and unfortunately I have to admit it is out of my hands. That's so hard for me to just let it happen in time and not do all I can to make it happen quicker.

Because honestly when I think about my life and how incredibly blessed that I am in my life, it blows me away.  I have two fantastic daughters, honest, sweet, kind and caring children, they take my breath away.  I live in a place that I love, sure it isn't perfect but there is nothing that cannot be changed in time. I love my job, I actually feel like it is a career.  It is challenging, makes me think and I learn something new every day. I have fantastic sisters that I love so much and more friends than I can keep track of. 

Then here I sit with a little sadness because I don't have who or what I want in my life yet. I know that I seriously have to let it go and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. When I do get that ultimate goal, I am going to prove how much I deserve it and I will never neglect it. I will do pretty well whatever I have to, to show that I know how blessed I am to finally have my main dream.


Today I have had a song stuck in my head, it's a beautiful song but it brings up so much emotion.  The song is You and Me by Lifehouse. I had to find the words, I blasted it five times in a row, still in my head though. I wonder where I was when this song came out, I know I've heard it before but I never got into it until yesterday.

Also, at work today, I was doing all that I could to think of anything but what I wanted.  Yet, what I wanted was shoved in my face over and over.... I was there, trying to do my job, then the client sais, the employees name is **** and then she spells it out twice like I don't know how to spell. I started to cry because it is so frustrating when I am trying so hard to concentrate and there it is in my face, over and over. How can anyone have that effect on me? 

I need to get myself together, I cannot just break down because a name is mentioned. The problem is that it is said so often that I can't believe it.  Sometimes I wonder if there is any other name on the planet. I have heard the name for a restaurant, first name, last name and even the name is in a company name.  Although I love my name, I am sure it is not brought up in conversation, so I wonder if I am thought about? 

Well, it was a rough night last night, with all the heat and my insomnia. I need to get some control and I need a fan. Let's see if I can get more then 3 hours of sleep tonight.

Needs Versus Wants

When I think about what I want and honestly that list is not very long, I still know that what I want and what I need never seem to be in alignment.  I think that since I ask for so little that I should have it but the reality is that if I don't expect much, I won't get much.

So, I have decided to shoot for the stars, I want the the whole thing, not part of it... nothing less will do. The universe wants me to have everything I want, I just have to put as much energy as I can into drawing it to me.   The funny thing is that I don't know why I have a hard time believing in the Secret when I have seen it work in my life continuously.  I wanted the job I have, I believed and it happened, I wanted this apartment and I believed and I got it.  Why do I not believe for everything?

I really think that when it comes to wanting what I want more than anything else, I am afraid.... afraid that I will never have it.  Fear keeps me from having what I want, I need to stay positive and than it will happen, it cannot be denied.

So, starting today.... any negative thoughts I have, I am going to change it to a positive thought and keep believing that what I want and need are the exact same thing. Also, I deserve to have what I want and need!  It is just difficult when some things are contingent on other people, it is hard to make others believe what I know;)

Poetry~Mine and Random


If you love something, set it free;
if it comes back it's yours,
if it doesn't, it never was.


What Is This Love That I Feel?

What is this love that I feel?
Is it real?
Or is it what they call first love?
It doesn't last they say

Brings only pain, all the laughters gone away
Or could it be true love?
What is this love that I feel?


Lost Feelings

How could you love me
so much one day?
And then the next
have all the feelings you had go away?

You locked the door into your heart
and took away the key.
First you took my heart
and hid it, where I can't see

I'm always in a dream
of what we loved and had.
I don't know why I do it
when it leaves me feeling sad?

The pain I feel is still so strong
how can I go on without you?
When all I remember is the love we shared
it's almost more than I can do

When I hear your voice
it sounds so far away and cold
I realize that you
will never be mine again to hold


What will be will be
Dreams I have of you
holding me in your arms
and loving me too!

Reality isn't the same
commitment isn't for you
life is just a game!

I want to have you anyway
just to hold you near
if only for a day!

Don't get involved with time
there is no future for us
'Cause your love is not mine!

So, I take all the fun I can get
knowing you'll be gone in a while
only, I'm happy because we met!

So here's my love to you, it's free
no strings that bind and tie
what will be, will be


Goodbye to Yesterdays

Can I have my yesterdays back to keep?
Only in my dreams
The present and future hold no promises
My memories run too deep.

You say you're no good for me
You don't love, want or need me.
All I feel is loneliness and pain.
What I want, need or love is you, don't you see?

But as the saying goes, I have to let you go.
I'm sure I will love again.
Though it will never be the same.
I could never desire, love or trust another so...

I want you to be happy within your heart
Find someone to love and need.
I hope I can do the same.
Well goodbye, I wish we hadn't had to part.


Last Night
All I did last night was think about you
wonder about you
dream about you

You're on my mind so much I want to kiss you
I want to hold you
I want to love you

I wish you felt the same way wanting me
needing me
loving me

But dreams are not reality It's always that way
every night and every day
pain is all I feel, today

I can't change how I feel I always knew
I loved you
it is true!



I thought of you as a bright summer day
But that was honestly not your way
You're more like the wind than the sun
You're here for a moment a sweet moment of fun

You go around me, than through me
Then when you're done, you leave me be
How can I handle this love that I feel
You took away a part of me, now I don't seam real

You have your right to be free
I hope you're as happy as you can be
It's just so sad that we had to part
But I will cherish your love in my heart!



Weighing Pros and Cons

My mind has been in chaos lately, one minute I am up and things are great, on the turn of dime though, I can be down.  Makes me wonder why I put myself through things, like letting myself feel anything for anyone when it never seems to go where I want it go go. Is it really worth it in the long run?  This is where I have been weighing pros and cons, except my con list is shorter than I know that it should be since deep down I don't want to give up what I want.

I am not sure that I want to lose anything else, since I have lost so much in the last few years.  The truth though is what am I losing if I don't really have what I want right now?  Yet I hold on to maybe, in the future.  I wonder if it is realistic, yet somehow I still want what I want and the stubborn part of me keeps holding on until there is no hope.

Deep down I know that can't be good in the long run, I mean how painful will it all end up being if what I want doesn't happen and not because it wasn't supposed to happen.  I truly believe that I should have what I want so much but it just isn't up to me.  How I wish that it was, then I could have the opportunity to show how good it could be.

Unfortunately, I am more confused then ever... nothing is cut an dry.  For each time I say that I am done, that I need to get over it, move on... I find a reason to hang on.  Tenacious ?  Stubborn? or just foolish.  I guess that still remains to be seen. 

Even though I believe the words from 'The Dance' by Garth Brooks, I sometimes wish I could go back and change a couple of things but I guess if I did, I might not be where I am today. Hmm, so many things to think about and so many decisions to make, I just want to make the right one's this time, I have made so many wrong choices over the years, I would love to make this one different.