Needing Someone

I know that people think I have lost my mind or gone over the edge completely but somehow... I don't think so.   I just know when something feels right and I go after it, no matter the cost.  Part of that is being tenacious, which can be a great thing... sometimes it hurts when other people don't see the vision I can see and something doesn't work out the way that I know it is supposed to.

I have known for a while that my life is meant to take a big curve, for me to grow. Every time I progress is because I have had to deal with life changing alterations.  This particular change is something I am truly looking forward to and I have thought long and hard about how great it could be even if it is extremely scary. 

Sometimes I really wish that other people could see my vision and than it would go so much more smoothly, I guess it wouldn't be worth it then... oh... but so much easier. It's so hard to stay strong when everyone around is negative, I just keep the vision in my head and press on. It definitely isn't simple but I know that getting to the goal is so worth it.

Now I just have to find a way to stop being afraid, my bravado is definitely bigger than what I feel inside. Believe me I am jelly inside most of the time but I just keep moving forward, I cannot progress without putting one foot in front of the other.

I really think the scariest thing in life is admitting when you like or care for someone, not because you don't want that person to know they are needed and cared for, because you do want them to know.  It always feels good when you know that someone cares about you but is very scary to open yourself up and your heart when you don't know how someone else feels.

Right now, I just know that there are times in our lives that we need someone, it might only be for a short time but I always want to be in tune when the need arises. I know that if I don't do what I know that I should,  that I will regret it and I am tired of regrets... I love living my life in the moment. So, no matter what people think of my decisions, I stand behind them because I know that sometimes people need someone to help them and sometimes we are those people that are supposed to be there. I couldn't sleep or live with myself if I didn't try and didn't give the best of myself.

The Same Wish

As I reflect on this last year of my life, I am reminded that I have the same goal as I did last year. That could mean one of two things, either I am persistent and when I want something, I don't stop until I attain it or two I am too stubborn to give up. If it's the second, I am hoping my stubbornness does not bring me more of what it has in the past. I am hopeful that for once it helps me to have what I want and need.

All and all it has been a pretty good year, certainly it could have been better. I am just grateful that it was a year that I really progressed in my life. Work has been better, a lot more relaxing, which is what I needed... less stress in that department. I have not felt the need be completely alone which has made my being a mama even better. I am totally blessed to have Valentina, she has been and continues to be a joy to raise. I truly love both of my daughters very much.

This year I actually let me guard down and allowed myself to feel, sometimes with exhilarating results, other times.. not so fantastic. I have to admit that most of the time taking a chance has been pretty damn wonderful. The fall from being up do high does hurt and feels a lot more painful than it used to be. Somehow, I still think it will be worth it, I just feel that life without excitement isn't even a life worth living, that is just existing.

I am enjoy Christmas and I plan to just cook, bake, play with Valentina and talk with my friends. For New Years I want the same wish that I had last year, this year it seems a lot more attainable than it did last year. That leaves me feeling excited, I just want to enjoy my life and have fun.  I want to take chances and I want to do things I have never done before. I just want to live my best life, be the best me that there is.

Appreciation, does it even exist?

I am just wondering if appreciation even exists any longer, I say this because I feel like I go out of my way to be there for people and what do I get... hmmm.... not much in return.  Not that I expect anything as I know that is not why I go out of my way to help people. I really help people because I care about them, I guess I just wanted a little thankfulness and gratefulness.

Instead, I feel like I am a bother when all I want to do is show people how important they are to me, I guess most people don't feel the same way. I wonder if people know how to be honest and truthful even if it hurts?  Really it is better to be honest with someone, it's like ripping a band aid off quickly, at least you get it over with.  What is the use in prolonging pain?  I just haven't figured out why people don't understand that. 

Maybe the reason people don't know how to be honest is because when they were, someone who promised that it was okay, was lying.  I on the other hand am being extremely honest and I expect honesty back.  Instead I am the one being hurt because people are afraid of being honest. Damn it, it makes me crazy... I just want to know where I stand, I just want to know the truth no matter what.

If I knew the truth, maybe I could move on... , maybe I wouldn't be in limbo for the rest of my life.  I am beginning to think I should be like almost everyone else and not give a damn, just be in it for myself.  Isn't that the way people seem to be? Maybe I should just stop caring... where the hell has it got me?  Maybe if I wasn't there for people, they might realize that I have gone out of my way to make their lives better.  Then again, maybe they would care less.

I guess I am the one that will have to make the decision, as tough as it will be, I just can't sit by and wait on other people. I just don't want to wait around for other people to make me feel better.  I am a good and kind woman, a woman who believes in love, helping and honesty.  I just want the same thing in return.

Flip Flops and Butterflies

I just read an old post of mine which I wrote about a month before I met you, someone who actually gives me flip flops in my belly and butterfly feelings.  I am glad I waited, even though there have been a lot of highs and lows, the feelings I have felt have been worth it. I love how I giggle when I think about you, I adore how people can see how I feel when I talk about you, I want to do anything I can for you, whatever it is to make you smile and to make you happy.

Lately helping you makes me happy, I have found that I love cooking when I was sure I just didn't.  I am grateful that I was wrong and I have tried so many things that I never would have attempted and realized I am a pretty darn good cook. I am looking forward to coming up with new ideas for making new dishes.

I have to thank you, you got me out of the funky mood I was in... I was at a fork in the road in my life when I was sure I would never feel anything ever again for anyone. And even if this does not turn out to last a lifetime, it was exactly what I needed in my life at this time. If I had not met you, I may not have continued to believe that I deserved to feel flip flops and butterflies, I might have settled for less and been very unhappy. Now I know that no matter what, I will be forever grateful that I know that I am worth it and that I deserve the best.  I deserve to be loved as we all do.

I knew the moment that I met you that you were different and special, it was in your eyes and overtime I was proven right. I am grateful that I didn't give up on you and walk away when it seemed unlikely I would have you in my life. It just goes to show you that life can change just like that and it changed for the good for me. 

Thank you for letting me be there for you, for letting me care about you, for making me smile daily and for helping me to remember how lucky and blessed I am.


4 Shows I watch

The Amazing Race
Charmed (Reruns)
Days Of Our Lives (I know, a guilty pleasure of mine)

4 Things I am passionate about

My Children
My Friends

4 Phrases I say alot

Oh My Gosh!
Get over it
Are you kidding me?
That is insane

4 Things I have learned from the Past

That I will never stop learning or loving
That spoiling children with material items is not the way to go
That being honest is always better than lying
That being afraid never gets you anywhere

4 Places I'd like to go to


4 Things I did yesterday

Went to my work Christmas party
Spent time with Valentina

4 Things I am looking forward to

Raising Valentina to be a woman
Having a grandchild from Andrea and Paul
Travelling in Europe
Learning how to drive

4 Things that I love about Winter

Light fluffy snowflakes
Fall my favorite season preceeds winter
Crisp clear evenings
Building snowmen and making snow angels

4 Things on my wish list

Spending time with someone I love
Becoming a better mother
Learning to love myself for who I am
Making time for the things that are important

I think my next blog will be about the goals I have set for myself, short term and long term.  Whenever I set goals, I seem to attain them. Note to self, I need to set more goals and make them bigger than what I believe I am capable of attaining as we never dream big enough for ourselves and this only limits us.

Can I Believe Enough Because I Know It's Right?

Part of me sits here wondering if I can believe enough just because I know it is right?  Every fibre of my being keeps telling me to hold on and the reward will be so worth it.  A small part of me is scared that I am wasting my time and only going to be hurt more than I ever thought imaginable. When I am afraid, those doubts creep in and when I am confident nothing gets through. 

I want to live with confidence and strength, for if I live with this, other people will see it too and they will know what I know. Why are we so afraid to live the life we were meant to live and to love the person we were meant to love. I don't want to be one of those people anymore, I want to stand tall and show everyone that I don't give up on what I really know.

Maybe it isn't me that isn't strong enough, maybe it is the other person who cannot believe that they deserve to be loved.  We all deserve to be loved, we all deserve to be happy and for that reason, I cannot walk away even if I am feeing pushed away. I won't make your fears my reality, I will stand strong and be there no matter how hard you push.  Maybe then you will know how much you deserve to be loved and how special you really are.

What happened to make you fear love so much, I thought I had it all happen to me and yet I am not so afraid to love that I don't keep trying. If the past is our indicator to what the future holds, I should have crawled up under a rock and given up a long time ago.  But I realized that our past is not who we are, we have the chance everyday to make things different and better.

So, I stand her patiently waiting, wishing you could see the potential in yourself that I know that is there. Maybe I am setting myself up for a fall but I can't walk away when I know what I know. I am the eternal optimist and I work hard to be the best me that there is, a woman who is passionate about what and who she believes in. A woman that is tenacious and strong willed and someone who loves unconditionally. I won't be the one to walk away, if you cannot handle being cared for more than you ever thought possible, you will have to be the one to walk away.

My Heart Is Opened

My heart is opened and even though it is scary at times, I cannot be any other way. I don't know how to not to feel, I've tried not to for so long and I always end up back at the beginning of knowing there was something that touched me and even though I tried so hard to cover and walk away... I kept coming back to what I know is real.

Someone asked me today if when I met Andrey if I had a feeling there was something not quite right and there were so many red flags that I denied and brushed away. Then they asked me if I had that feeling today about someone else and the answer was no... even if this feeling doesn't last forever, it was never wrong.  I saw something in their eyes that needed to be loved and cared for but I was coming from a very dark place at the time and I couldn't believe that I could care for someone ever again.

Now I care, almost more than I thought possible... and as scary as it is, I cannot walk away and deny how I feel any longer. I knew how much I cared especially when I realized that I was willing to do anything I could to be there for someone that needed another person to care, really care about them... when I know they felt no one did.  I truly hope that they know that they are extremely special, cared about and thought of often.

Regardless of how this all plays out, I will be grateful that they were able to help me to open my heart to allow myself to care again. For what is life without love?  It is not a life worth living, that is only existing.  I don't just want to just exist anymore, I want to become even more than I can dream for myself, what's more, I want that for you too.

I Don't Know What To Think

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, from high to low.  I feel like I am reading more into things than I should and then I think I should be questioning other things more. I had such a nice time Friday night, just chatting and laughing. I then came home motivated, wanting to get myself back, the person I was before I met Andrey. I loved cooking, organizing, hanging with my friends, then I came home today and I just felt strange.  I don't even know why? I feel like I am living in a dream and then I think I should stay positive and everything will be great.

My emotions are incredibly off the chart, mainly because I feel so much that often I wish that I didn't.  If you don't feel, you can't be hurt... I wonder if that's true? How do people shut themselves off... how do they live without caring?  Deep down I know it's better to feel even if it's painful :( 

What if Andrey was right when he said no one would or could ever love me?  I wish I didn't give him any of my power, it's so hard not to believe it when no one is there to love me.  I feel like when I desperately want someone, that I do everything in my power and I give of myself to the point that I am no longer me:/  Why can I be myself when I don't have feelings for someone? But then I am anything but myself when I want someone.  I keep trying to be and do what other people want.

I can't give up on love no matter what, it is worth it in the long run even if it is incredibly painful at times. I won't be my mother and give up on it, I don't want to be some lonely old lady, that is not what we are meant to be. I always have to remember that poem that is so true. 'When you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was'.

Also, when I honestly love someone, I want them to be happy even if they are not with me, I have no desire to wish anything but the best for someone that I care deeply about.

Getting Passed My Insecurities

I don't like that I have let my insecurities rule me, when I have not allowed them to own me, I have SO much confidence. When I have let myself believe that small voice that beats me up, I always end up in a dark place. Lately, I have not given it a voice, I deserve better.

I want something so much that I cannot explain it and I realized that I was fearful that I wouldn't have it, fear repels what you really want, so... I have changed my thoughts and I have asked for what I want, I now believe I will have it and I am waiting to receive it :)

It is so good when I get passed some of my insecurities, I am a work in progress and I know that you never get passed them all and then that is it, there is always something to work on.  Which is very good, for if we didn't have goals and challenges we would stagnate and never grow.

Tonight I heard the song 'The Dance' and I really thought about the words, I am so grateful that I don't know how things are going to turn out, I could have missed some fabulous times especially in the past year or so. If I hadn't gone through everything in my life that I have gone through, I never would have taken the opportunity to get to know someone this past year who has become someone that I care a great deal for. If I could have seen into the future and known how hard it would be, I would have passed on knowing him and that would have been a bad choice. So the song, 'The Dance' reminded me that it great that we have no idea where our life is going, we can end up with some wonderful experiences which are worth more than you know.

Tonight I am not afraid and I am ready for the dance where ever it takes me, for however long it lasts. I am actually looking forward to what will happen in my life.  Each experience I have creates a memory that I will have forever. I have had some fabulous experiences this past year with one special person, I look forward to more and for however long it lasts.

What I Know For Sure

What I know for sure is that when I desire something to happen in my life, I am able to make it happen. This is why I know that even when things are not where I want or need them to be, I hold on because it happens eventually. I had one dream that I wanted and desired for so long and I thought I was not going to have it but honestly I gave up on it as I realized that dream was not worth it, he didn't deserve me, I was too good for him.

Now, I only want people that are kind, sweet and deserving of me. I deserve that especially after having some of the awful situations I have had only because I somehow didn't believe I deserved more. As well, I want the people that I care about to really know how wonderful and how special they are, they mean a great deal to me, my life is better for having known them!

Maybe if I had never gone through what I had, I never would have given someone a chance, someone who is very special to me, who has been so kind and sweet.  So, although I went through some terrible situations in my life, I feel like they might have been there to get me where I am today. Those challenges might have been worth it after all ;)

I have to say I love where I am at in my life, grateful that I know myself better then I ever have and thankful that I don't care what other people think of me like I did when I was younger. It's amazing how your life can change on a dime when you open your mind to new possiblites.  I am hoping you will open your mind to new possiblities too... you never know where it might take you, you are special and I never want you to forget it.  No matter where you are in your life, even if I am not there in the future with you, I always want you to remember that someone thought and always will think that you are very special. You deserve the best and I hope you let me show you that.

Passion and Love Versus a Long-Term Relationship

I have been thinking about what I always wanted when I was younger, I wanted a long term relationship at all costs but as I get older, I realize I want real love and passion even if it doesn't last a life time. What is the use of having a long term relationship if there isn't lasting love or passion?  I have felt more joy and happiness in the past year than I have ever thought possible.

Sure life has not been perfect but when it is ever perfect? This past year, I have been so completely happy and full filled, so much so that my cheeks hurt from smiling. I am not saying that I don't want a long term relationship if it held passion and love but I am not holding out hope for it.  I don't want to live that way anymore, I want to enjoy each moment instead of living in the future.

It took me so many years to get to this point, just being happy where I am.  My niece wrote in her update tonight that she wishes she was young again... she is 29.  I commented and said I wouldn't want to be young again unless I knew what I know now.  I have no desire to go back and have to re learn everything, I remember how difficult it was and how I felt so hopeless all the time.

Yes, I feel hopeless sometimes but not the way I did when I was in my twenties. I have moments that come and go and I remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel because I have come through so many tunnels when I didn't think I would make it. I learned I was stronger than I thought I was and I am grateful for that.

I wish all people could learn that lesson earlier than I did in life, learn that there is a light and things always get better. I also know that no matter how much I want to make things better for other people, I can't solve all their issues. What I can do is let them know that I will be there whenever they need me, no matter what.

You know what I want more than anything, I want the people in my life to know how incredibly special they are and how grateful I am to know them. I feel blessed because of the people I have met and known.


Somewhere, there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence that life is worth while, so when you are lonely, remember it's true, somebody, somewhere is thinking of you<3

I read this quote tonight and it said exactly what I have been wanting to say to you.  I feel like you don't realize how special you are, how much you mean to so many people especially me. I wish you could see and feel what I know.

When I first met you, I saw the sweetness and insecurity in your eyes, I was immediately taken in my the kindness and gentleness you showed. I wanted to be a part of your life even though it seemed impossible. The more I have come to know you, the more I have come to care.

I never thought it would be possible for me to feel again when I have dealt with so many challenges in my life that kept showing me I didn't deserve what I always desired. I was truly beginning to believe that I would not have this feeling again in my life but I was wrong, regardless of what happens in the future, you showed me that I could open my heart and that it would be okay.

My one wish is that you could feel what I feel about you. You are so worth it and you deserve to be happy and I don't think you know that. I am hoping one day you will get past all the insecurities that you have and that you will finally see what I see in you. You are kind, sweet, gentle and amazing.

Making Changes

Wow, so last night I was upset and I wrote all my inner thoughts, not that I didn't want to write them down. I just didn't want to write it down like that. That's me, I hold things in until all of a sudden I just blow and say it, then I calm down and then I reflect on what I have done or said, I always have to deal with the aftermath.

I am just not the type of woman that can hold everything in, if you know me, then you will really know me. I am not a woman that hides her feelings or holds on to secrets. I am more like take me or leave me and although that can be hard for me handle, it is the only way I can be.

It's also the only way I know how to love, there is no such thing as part way with me. I think that is why I have only given my heart twice in my life.  I loved Tony for over 20 years and I finally got over that, of course he had to hurt me beyond repair for me to finally get over him.  I never fully loved Andrey, I actually think I felt sorry for him, until he felt the need to destroy me for caring about him.

I also know you cannot be in love someone unless they are in love with you too but it doesn't stop me from liking someone and having feelings for them. I am extremely realistic when it comes to who I care about, even if people think I am not. Those people do not know me, if they did they would now that I don't have pie in the sky notions about what the future could hold.

I guess we are all entitled to have an off day and not being completely positive all the time.  I think I really needed to write what I did last night. Mostly because I have to get past the fear that if someone knows what happened to me that they won't understand and they will leave me. The truth is that if somebody doesn't understand then I don't want them in my life.  I am better than that, I deserve to have someone love me regardless of what my past holds, I would and will love someone no matter what there past holds and I mean no matter what.

I would never ever judge a person for something that happened that they had no control over, I had no control over what happened to me. Some things happen in life, it is never enough for me to stop loving them.  The only thing that could make me stop loving someone is what Tony and Andrey did to me. Tony blamed me for what happened to me then cut me off because he couldn't handle it, Andrey raped me when he wanted to hurt me and to make sure I knew that he had the control. Trust and honesty is important to me and being there when I need you as I am more than willing to be there when you need me.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

What is wrong with me, seriously??  I constantly focus on something I am sure that will bring me happiness and joy and then boom, it is like an explosive bomb that just tears me apart.

When I care about someone, I go out of my way to be what they want, do what they want, give them what they want and then I get walked all over... made to feel like crap.  That is what my ex did to me, I pretty well jumped through hoops of fire to make him happy and how did he return the favor.  He returned it by making me feel less then human, I was less then garbage in his eyes and in the end he tried to destroy me by raping me.

It's a suprise to me that I came back from that when all I wanted to do was crawl in a deep hole and stay there. Instead, I hurt myself in other ways trying to cover the pain of what he had done. What was worse though was that the man that I loved for over 20 years blamed me and asked me what I expected, then he never spoke to me again. He hurt me worse than anybody else has ever hurt me in my life.

I just want to understand why I go out of my way to try to make other people feel better and I never get anything in return.  I am a good person, I am kind, thoughtful, caring, loving... yet I am made to feel like I am nothing. Why is that we want the people who don't want us and we don't want the people who do want us?

I am beginning to think I must like pain and rejection, otherwise I wouldn't keep choosing people who only hurt me. Lately I have been thinking that I see this sad thing in some peoples eyes and I want to make it better for them, only I can't make it better, no matter how hard I try. I think I need to work with my councillor to figure out why I have this need to fix people?

I think I need to fix myself before I am ever going to be able to be where I want and with who I want.  The thing is there have been very few people that I have honestly cared about but the ones my heart has chosen to care about has hurt me. You think I would have learned by now, yeah not me. Apparently I need to be destroyed to learn.

Judgemental People

I often wonder how and why people are so judgemental?  I know we all have our ideals of what we think is right and wrong but honestly who is to say what is right for someone.  I think unless you are hurting someone then you should stay out of it.  I think when I was younger I was more rigid, thinking that it had to be one way, or no way.  Now, I think wow.. what was I thinking, who do I think I was to say what someone else should be doing in their lives.

I have so many people that say to me, how could I do this or that or live in ways they think are odd.  Odd?  what does that mean, I am not main stream, is there anything wrong with being an individual?  I don't like being like everyone else, I want to make my own choices and not be judged by people because of it.

All I want to be in happy and I am right now.  I can honestly say I haven't been this happy for a very long time.  Do I think it can be lasting?  It can't be worse than not being with who I care about for whatever time I can. I spent years alone, years doing what other people wanted me to do, expected me to do.  Not any longer, never again.  I will do and say what I want as long as I don't hurt anyone, then who should care.

Life is short and I plan to enjoy each day, I no longer care what people say to me or think about me and my choices in life. I am happy with them, they have brought joy, real joy that makes me smile so much my cheeks hurt. What can be wrong with that?  Nothing~!~

Being Happy

I have been feeling compelled to write about what makes me happy. So many people think I am unaware of what it is and they would be wrong. I know what makes me happy, it is my family, my friends and relationships. Lately I have been over the moon with happiness and it comes from something that I know deep down that won't last.  People thinks this might scare me but it doesn't, I want to have this happiness even if it is not meant to last.

Sometimes certain relationships are there for a reason, they are not meant to be there forever. I think when we realize that, we can enjoy and be happy for that reason. I really think that when you try to hold on to things and people, they leave you quicker than if you just enjoy or trust the reason they are there. I have no desire to own or hold on to someone, I desire only to love and care for people in my life.

What I really want is to make the people in my life feel better for having known me, I wish all my family and friends knew how special they are. So many people don't know that, if you are a part of my life, you are extremely special to me.  There is something wonderful that I see and want to have around, I want everyone to see what I see in them.  I think it is why I love people so much, I see how fantastic they are and how they make me feel when they are around me.

I have learned so much in the past few years of my life, I realize that every time my ex said all those hurtful things to me, that he was wrong. It has been so hard to believe that he wasn't right because I allowed myself to believe him.  Why is it is easy to believe the nasty things and not see all the wonderful things in ourselves. I really am a kind, caring and loving person. I have no need or desire to hurt anyone, I truly want the people in my life to be happy.

I want people to be happy, even if they are not with me. I don't feel the need to hurt anyone because they don't want to be with me, I would still want to be friends with them. I came to this realization when someone that I loved so much and for so long, cut me out of their life.  I will never understand why but I also realized, I never want to be like that.

What I really want is that when people think of me, that they smile, laugh and say I made their day brighter and happier.  That's what I want, that is what I work towards each day of my life.


Well this weekend turned out to be much better than I had anticipated, just when I thought I had another dull weekend, surprise. Oh, what a nice surprise too. Now I am hoping I won't have to wait so long in between being surprised again.

I have a busy week coming up at work but at least I will start it off on the right foot, in a fantastic mood. I am going to relax as much as I can this year end, I don't want to get all stressed out like I normally do. If I do, I need to find a better way to relieve the stress than I have in the past couple of years.

I realized this weekend that I want to downsize even more, I have much more than I thought. When I have too much my house gets out of control and I really don't like that. I like when my house is in order, so purging here I come. I have another plan or goal and to attain that I have to purge and organize.

I just can't believe how happy I am at this moment, I am trying to enjoy every minute of it.  Sometimes I wish this feeling could last forever but I guess if it did we wouldn't appreciate it so much. Unfortunately it seems like we have to have the down times to enjoy the up times more. I am thinking that this is where we need to change things, we need to be happy where we are, easier said than done.

I feel so lucky and blessed to be where I am in my life right now, just enjoying myself and not taking life too seriously. I have a lot to be grateful for and this weekend was just icing on the cake.

Waiting on Pins and Needles

I've had a pretty good week so far, just when I am beginning to think maybe somethings are not going to happen, things change on a dime.  Now I just have to wait and be patient, instead I am on pins and needles.  I am so terrible about waiting for what I want but I am trying to change that.

My mind has been on over load for the past couple of days, it's made it hard to focus. I have been thinking a lot about how I have come to where I am in my life. What a journey I have had, being in my forties have been enlightening. All the things I believed in so strongly when I was younger have been challenged in the past couple of years. It is good to rethink your ideas sometimes though, we never want to be rigid.

The thing I want so much to work on is my self esteem. I don't have an issue with meeting new people and I can carry on a conversation easily with just about anyone.  I just want to believe I am good enough and deserve to be happy with someone. A big part of me has a difficult time with this, especially when every time I think it will work out, it hasn't.

What the future holds, none of us really know but I am looking forward to it. Change can be good even when it is scary, the bigger the change the better the reward. So I am just waiting as patiently as I can for the next change in my life.

Relying On Myself

Well having five days off did not get me back on track, I have come to rely on other people too much. Instead of just doing things myself, I wait around for people to help and that usually leaves me disappointed and then nothing gets done. Sometimes I feel like people don't really care what you do for them, as long as you do it but these people never want to return the favor. I have come to a conclusion, I just need to stop giving of myself as people are not appreciative.

I realized this weekend that I want more than I have been accepting lately, I thought I could find what I need in my life and I am only finding how empty I feel when I continue to choose what I think I want to only find out that it leaves me feeling more alone. This is my way of handling the disappointments in my life, I keep trying something new... it never seems to help.  I need to be honest and true to myself and never give up on what I believe in.

My councillor and my oldest daughter want to know why I have the need to take care of people that I care about, where I want to make things better for the, make them happy. I know I cannot make things better for anyone else but I keep trying, they have to want to make things better for themselves. Even though I know this rationally, I never stop wanting to figure out how to give people what they need. 

I don't know when I let myself stop relying on me, probably when I let me ex into my life in 2000.  Up until then I looked after myself , I allowed him to take away my identity.  I thought when I finally got myself together and got him out of my life that I would gain back control.  Instead I have allowed myself to believe everything he ever said to me, why do I do this, why am I not strong enough?  Words can hurt so much, more than most people really know.

I also have to write a letter to the ex love of my life, to tell him how he disappointed and hurt me more than anyone else in my life. Mainly because I expected so much more from him and he just walked away and left me to deal with the aftermath of what happened. Not before putting the blame on me for what happened when no woman should ever be made to feel like that. I thought it would be easy to write what I felt, it's a lot harder than I ever believed. Not that I even want him to acknowledged it, I just need him to know... I want him feel what I felt when he just walked out of life just like that. He probably doesn't even care, even though we have known each other for over 24 years.

I really think I have a hard time relying on myself anymore because of the terrible decisions I made when it came to being with my ex and then marrying him, even though my small voice told me it was a mistake. I don't trust that I can make the right decision, if I could, I wouldn't have made the many mistakes I have made when it came to him.

I somehow wish that I could get through this challenge and come out of it stronger than I have ever been. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I try to keep it positive but it's not very easy.  One day, hopefully in the very near future I will have made it through this and have what I have always wanted. 

17 Pounds Down and Counting

So, I finally got to the doctor to get weighed, 17 pounds gone, still working on more. It is slower than it used to be, I used to be able to drop 10 pounds the first week and then 3 or 4 a week after that. Anyhow, I came home and had a weekend of eating whatever I wanted, not sure why I did that. It's like sabataging myself but I am getting back on track tomorrow, in more ways than one.

I also had a pretty interesting weekend, not exactly what I had hoped for but all in all not terrible. I think too much sometimes, I want to just say how I feel but I am so damned afraid of rejection.  It's a terrible feeling to have, putting yourself out there to possibly get hurt. Even so, sometimes I think it would be worth it to at least say how I feel and just get it over.

What's the worst thing that can happen?  You won't talk to me ever again, well... you don't really talk to me now, you will never see me again, I don't see you now. I am pretty sure I am tired of living in fear and always trying to cover it with whatever can help me to cope. Coping isn't living, it is just getting by and that is not a way to live. So, I am going to do something about it, take a chance and then move on one way or the other.  Being in limbo is not all that great.

I have pretty well wasted the last three days, just sleeping and being lazy, now I have a ton of housework to keep me busy for the next couple of days.  Thank goodness I have a short week next week and extremely happy to be on the 9:30-5:30 now, not so worried if I miss the shuttle now. This year end is looking like it might shape up to be a much easier one that the past ones. Even though I am nervous about losing what I know, I am kind of happy not to be doing projects.  It is one less thing for me to stress about.

Anyhow, I am thinking of you and finding it hard to sleep, what else is new. This is par for the course for me, constantly being bombarded with thoughts of you.  Sometimes it's overwhelming but I am pretty sure I wouldn't change how I feel, at least I feel alive and not like some older women I know that seemed to have given up. I don't want to give up on passion or love.

I just want to understand

I just don't understand somethings, I am not sure that I ever will. Some people drive me crazy, with all their indecision.  I'm the kind of woman that needs to lay it on the table and just say it how it is, unfortunately that is not how all people are and with some people you just can't handle them like that. That makes me wonder why I allow myself to be drawn in over and over.

I am wondering what the pay off is, everyone always says that there has to be some sort of pay off or we wouldn't continue to do the things we do.  So, what is my pay off, I guess that if I figure that out, that is when I will be able to close that chapter on my life.  I just felt a chill when I thought about closing that chapter, not quite sure why, maybe I am not ready to close it yet.

I want to believe that if I continue to believe that I will have what I desire the most. Sometimes it is so hard to always believe when you just don't know what all in is involved. Anyhow, I am happy that I am having 2 short weeks in a rowat work, I really need those 5 days off.  I plan to have one night on my own, maybe go out for a bit.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

I have been thinking a lot today, thinking of the saying or poem "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".  Although the losing part is difficult the loving is always worth it.  I have only ever loved one man and came close a second time.  Each time it has been so worth it even if they haven't lasted. I am no longer trying to find the 'one', I think there is more than one person for each of us. I know this as although I thought it would be near impossible for me to ever care for another man as much as I cared for the man that I loved when I was 23. I did come to care for someone else almost as much, sometimes I think I could have cared more if given the chance.

I have come to see that I have been sabotaging myself this past few days, I have been eating so well and seeing results. At least I recognize that I have been doing that, I want much more for myself.  I see the doctor on Friday and I am hoping for the good news of losing at least 20 pounds.  I can't wait to even drop more, I just need to focus and continue to listen to my body and it will happen.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about how I feel like I have accepted less than what I have deserved in the past year when what I really want is everything. I did however; come to a conclusion today that I am no longer trying to find the love of my life to spend my life with.  I am now looking for something even if it doesn't last forever. Because it is worth having love than never having it at all.

I am also thinking about how I want to make more changes in my life that will draw the things that I want into my life. So tired of having other things control me, I want to be the one to control my life. All of the changes I want to make are possible and they will all help me to be a better mama, a better sister, a better friend and a better worker.  All of this will help me to draw to me what I have always wanted and desired.


I read an inspirational quote today that made me think about why I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. Most things in my life, I seem to learn the lesson I need to and then move on to the next challenge but for one aspect of my life, I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. I keep wondering what is it that I am supposed to learn from this challenge so that I can move on.

I think because I want to be loved, needed and wanted so much that I become blind to what a person is really like.  I try to become what they want so that I can have them. Definitely not having much luck in that department, I guess I am afraid to be myself, thinking no one could possibly love the real me. The truth is that I am like everyone else, I just want someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to, someone who can love me.  I definitely don't want my ex step mother or my ex husband to be right, I want to prove them wrong. I am worth loving, worth being with.

When I care for someone, they are all that I can think of, I want to make them happy, I want to show them  how important they are to me.  Don't we all just want to be validated and know that we are worth loving?  Even though I am terrified to love someone else, I don't want to give up on love. I have a great deal to offer someone, I am honest, faithful, attentive and loving when I am in a relationship.

So excited that I am going to see my sister Darlene and my brother in law Tim tomorrow. Too bad it is only for the day but I can't wait to see them. I am going to spend the whole day downtown with them.  At least my whole weekend wasn't a waste, back to work Tuesday. I am going to get some sleep, it's been a long day today.

Fantasy and Reality

I wish somehow I could figure out how to make my fantasies become my reality?  Any ideas?  I am thinking I would do just about anything to have my fantasies become real. The thing that makes me the craziest is that I try not to think about it and then it's right there in my face.  Why?  why can I not keep my mind free of what I can't stop thinking about.

Today was scary, I was relaxing, taking a break at work and the phone rang and it was the police telling me that someone had called 911 from my home. No one was home, so I got home and then my back door was unlocked. I finally ended up finding the courage to come into my house and search all the closets and rooms. Thankfully no one was here. I thought it might have been my ex, he would love to get back at me some way.

This incident just brought up so much fear that I had, I was sure that I had come through that but I realized it was only buried. I can't stand that he has that kind of power over me, I really need to make sure he is out of my life for good.  Not sure how I will do that though :( 

Fear is not a great thing to live with, it controls me and I really don't want things to control me. I have to stand up to it and face it head on, I think not knowing makes it worse than it really is. Sometimes the thought is more scary than the truth.

I am going to bed, I have a busy weekend and Monday my sister will be here. I am so excited to see her, it's too bad we live so far away from each other but I do love how close we are as sisters. Off to dream land to think about my fantasies and how to make them my reality ;)

One Track Thought

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, there is so much on my plate that sometimes I wonder how I will manage. Instead of dealing with all my issues I am just focusing on one thing.  I guess I have a one track thought as it is easier, my real problems are so much harder to fix. Also, I am trying not to stress over all the things I have no control over but that is difficult.

I wish I could just make one thing work in my life right now, so that I didn't always feel so hopeless.  Because yes, on the outside I look like everything is fine, I get to work everyday (I sure don't feel like it), I keep up the house so that it doesn't get out of control, I smile and laugh a lot but inside I am unbelievably out of control.  I cry on the way to work some days, I cry in my cubicle, I often wonder how I put on a face to make it look like everything is okay when it's not.

Do I know how lucky and wonderful my life is, yes.  That doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it just means that I am fully aware that I do have great things. It's just so hard when I feel so empty and I don't know why. I really think that when someone lives their life with one dream, idea, thought and it never seems to come to pass, that it can break a persons spirit. I just don't understand why I have not been able to attain it. What do I need to do, say, think, feel... whatever it is I would do it.

I really need to get more rest and I need to figure out how to not let the disappoints break me down. How to do this is probably one of the most difficult things I have had to overcome and honestly I have had to overcome a great deal of things. From surviving a fire as a toddler and the aftermath of it, of having to deal with a step mother who belittled me and made my younger life so painful and then finally getting married to only find out that I had ended up in a bigger hell than I thought possible. I keep coming through these things over and over but lately it is getting more and more difficult.  Everyone needs to feel wanted, needed and loved, I haven't felt that for a long time.

Thinking about how I'd feel tomorrow

I have been thinking about things I have done to try to make myself feel better sometimes and it never does.  An example is drinking, sure I feel great getting tipsy but you pay the price the next day with a hangover, I have come to learn that it just isn't worth it.  Now if I could move that thought into other areas of my life.

I feel like I want to be more authentic, even though it is difficult to always live that way.  Sometimes I think if people really knew me, the inside of me that I don't share with everyone, I wonder if they would still like me.  Lately I don't care as much what people think, I just have to be me regardless as long as I am not hurting anyone.

I ate really well today, keeping up the healthy food;)  I also actually cooked last night, I made some great spaghetti sauce.  I think I will make some chicken soup tomorrow, I just love homemade chicken noodle soup and it's so good for you too.  I think I will go put it in the slow cooker. Plus it's getting cold outside and it's so nice to have hot soup to eat after a long day at work.

Well off to bed, I have had a very long full day and another one tomorrow, leaving at 7 am in the morning and I won't be home until 7 pm.  I definitely need to get some sleep to get through my busy day tomorrow.

How Do I Change?

How am I supposed to change my feelings?  I would love to know how people just turn them off and on at will. I have never been like that, when I care about someone, they are the person I think about, the person I want to be with. I don't even want to look at anyone else. I just wish I could be more like other people, the one's that can feel when they want to.

I've been thinking about when I was a child and how I had dreams and fantasies of what my life would be like and never did I think I would be a single mom twice and that I would end up being alone. I know that the way my life is now does not mean that it will be the way my life will be in the future but it's so hard to see around that bend in the road.

I just don't know how to give a peice of my heart, I only know how to give it all.  Giving it all hurts so much though, especially when it's not returned.  I've always believed that if I loved someone enough that it would be more than enough to make it work but that's not true.  Instead, I am alone and very sad lately.

I want so much to love someone and to share my life with them but they have to feel the same way and lately I just feel like it is such a far off dream. Staying positive all the time is difficult, especially when things stay the same all the time. Why did most people have to be right when I was younger, why could I not get past what I was told for so much of my life?  Words do really hurt more than anything else.

One good thing, I have lost at least 10 pounds, maybe more.  I will see the doctor in October and I hope another 10 pounds will be gone by then.  At least I am on the right track when it comes to my weight and I like how I have been feeling. Sure I have more to lose but I am eating when I am hungry and I am thinking more about what I eat and why then just eating whatever. I am so glad I found the book 'Women, Food and God', it changed how I thought about food and how I thought about my body and me. I used to think I had no control but I do, I have all the control.


Well, I was tired when I went to bed at 11:00 pm but here I am wide awake after an hour and a half. I am starting to wonder if we really need as much sleep as we are advised. Then again, it is really hard to function at work sometimes when I have had very little rest. When I had insomnia years ago, I would fight it and stay in bed trying so hard to go to sleep, now... I just give in, get up and do something relaxing to see if it will help me to actually fall asleep.

Of course I had no problem sleeping when I was on vacation but then boom, back to work and now I can't sleep. I know it is many things that are contributing and I just wish I could turn my mind off the way I can turn my blackberry off.  Still, my mind wanders. 

Today has just been stressful, first day back after five days, busy at work, a ton of cases and then coming home to find out my little Valentina is going to have to spend too much time at the dentist getting fillings. Plus lack of money and worrying about how I will catch up, I should know better though, money is something I shouldn't worry about... everything always works out ultimately. However; I do need to be more careful about how I spend it and be a little more conscious.

Also, no matter how much effort I try to focus my mind on other things, the same thing keeps coming back to me. I could be sitting at work, minding my own business; thinking about what a client needs done then wham... there's the name and then I am lost in thought and wondering how I got to this point again?  I somehow wish the name was not all that common. I can bet my name is not thought of nearly enough since it is not at all common. I do love my name though, it is unique and pretty.

I sometimes think if I had what I wanted than it would change things in a good way but I also know that if I am to have what I want, I have to be happy with where I am right now. That has been my whole problem, I have never been truly happy where I am.  I guess when I learn that I will have my hearts desire.

I have come so far from where I started, I am grateful for that.  I started raising my oldest daughter when I was just 18 years old. I went to school, took night courses, worked part time jobs for years, even working two jobs at once for three years until I finally had to settle down and raise Valentina.  I finally ended up with a pretty good job a few years ago which then helped me get the job I have now. I just need to learn to live within my means.

Well, I am finally feeling tired, off to bed to hopefully get some sleep and if I dream, I hope they don't keep me awake. At least tomorrow is Friday then I am off for 2 days, thank goodness for short weeks, love them<3

Awake and Thinking

Awake early on my day off, just thinking. I have actually slept for the last couple of nights, the cool night air helps a lot. My mind races a lot though, even when I am sleeping, I need to figure out a way to turn it off or I will never get another rested night. I try so hard to just drift off to sleep without thinking about certain things and yet I dream about it:( How do I make my mind have patience? I guess if I figure that out, I will be able to sleep.

I was thinking how everyone says they are not a game player but then they play games. I know we all do it to a degree but most people try not to hurt another person, then there are huge game players that actually have an agenda to see you hurt. For whatever reason, it's a turn on to them. For me, hurting another person does not bring me joy or happiness. I only want to make people that I care about feel better, feel loved and I don't understand why other people find joy in hurting another person.

Sometimes for a moment, I am not always sure about what I want, it's only because it is not going to be easy to make it happen. Because it will take a little longer, it's hard to stay positive every moment. Most days I succeed and so I guess they out weigh the days that are harder to believe. It has taken me a long time to get to the point that I am at where I finally believe that I deserve what I want.

Well, I have busy day ahead of me, too bad I just couldn't relax all day, then back to work tomorrow. At least it is a short week then off for two more days;)

Living without power, internet and what I want more than anything ;)

What a crazy weekend, between the tropical storm and lack of power for 24 hours. I realize more now than ever that I NEVER would have survived in the era of no power. I don't even want to know how people survived it.

I missed blogging so much, my computer was out of commission for 5 days, I wanted to be able to blog and I couldn't, way to hard on a Blackberry :(  Thankfully Eastlink only had my modem number mixed up, all fixed now... of course the guy who came from Eastlink to fix my cable had to have that name.  Jeez, no matter how hard I try not to think about him, there he is.

When did I let this happen to myself, when did I let myself feel again. I thought I was smarter than that, haven't I had enough disappointment when it comes to men?  Apparently not, instead I let myself feel way more than I should have. I am just not one of those people that cares half way, I either care completely or I don't care at all.

My councillor wants to know why I choose men that are emotionally unavailable to me?  I don't even have an answer for that!  I spent or should I say I wasted 23 years of my life loving one guy who I was sure was the love of my life but he proved he was never worth my time. He let me down in my greatest time of need and I was lost for a very long time. Then I met someone that I honestly never thought that I could care about but the more that I knew him, the more that I cared.  I just want to be there for him, show him that he is so worth it. I just wish he knew what I knew.

So, I've been eating really well for the past 5 months, longer than I ever have in my life and I am loving it, what I really need to do now is exercise... I am really hoping that I will be 9-5 at my job by the end of this month than I can start working out after work for at least 45 minutes. Then I can really start seeing a difference in my weight. I have seen some change but I really have to put in the effort to see the big changes. I am looking forward to being the best me that I can be.

Getting back on track is never easy but it has really been worth it, now to just get my emotional life where I want it to be, with who I want.  Once again, I have to be patient, nothing good happens quickly, somethings take time. Unfortunately patience isn't one of my strong suits, I always try to rush it and it never works out when I do that. So hard to change but not impossible.

Waiting Patiently

Everyone always says that good things come to those who wait, I have used it myself from time to time. I wonder how true this is when I see so many people are having such a difficult time with no end in sight. Then I think maybe it's because they are thinking negatively and you draw to you whatever you think. Maybe that's why I don't have who I want in my life right now because he can sense that I wonder if I deserve to have him. I try to be positive but when a person has been disappointed so many times, it is hard to keep yourself up. Do I still believe that if you think good thoughts and are grateful for all that you have that eventually you will have what you want, I do! I just think I have made the road longer by not believing fully that I deserve the best.

So, I have decided to patiently wait for what I want, everything else has come to me, this will too. In the meantime, I plan to work on myself and make myself worthy of what I want. I am trying to be present while eating so that I don't just eat to stuff feelings down, I am fianlly seeing some results. It has been slow going but if I really want to be honest, the weight didn't go on overnight, it will take some time to come off. Next, I need to incorporate some exercise, eating right is great but without exercise it might take a whole lot longer. So, going to attempt to get back to the gym and put some effort in, it will be great to see some real results. I should be able to do this in the next couple of weeks when hopefully I change shifts so that I can go to the gym after work.

I don't want the weight to own me and control how I feel, I want to be able to just get up and go, feeling the best that I possibly can. I just need to put the effort out there, do what I am able and I am sure the rest will take care of itself.

Is Forever Enough?

I had another restless sleep last night, never ending dreams, the kind that make it hard to really to feel rested. Then I made it to work and had tough calls and then became all emotional because of it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get a handle on my feelings? Thank goodness for my cubicle so people couldn't see my melt downs.

I also keep thinking about how I accept less then what I deserve, I am always trying to please who I want, thinking it will show how much I care. It is never enough though, it seems people want the uncertainty, instead of having what they know. Why is it that I don't feel that I am good enough being just me? Maybe because when I feel someone likes me for me they walk away.

I think relationships are difficult enough without having the right chemistry. With me, I have to have butterfly feelings where my belly does flip flops when a man kisses me. If I don't have that, it is meaningless and not worth it at all. There have been very few men in my life that I have kissed that know how to kiss. It always amazes me, you would think that a man would want to kiss a woman properly so that she would be his forever. Kissing does that for me, if a man can kiss and he can give me butterfly flip flops than he can pretty well have my heart. That is a rare thing to find in life, I had it once before and I knew when I lost it that if was really something hard to lose, I had a difficult time getting over that and then I finally did and now I want the kind of guy that is there all the time, just talking, watching a movie, cuddling, we don't have to talk all the time, silence is great sometimes. I just want someone who wants to be with me, just being there. Someone to snuggle up to every night, someone to wake up to every morning.

Only forever is enough anymore, I need that, I deserve that. I don't want to accept less anymore, accepting anything less is not loving myself enough.

I wouldn't want to change my past as I would not be who I am today but I don't want to keep repeating the same things over and over. Challenges are fine, they help you grow but when it is the same one, it makes me wonder what I haven't learned yet?

Missing What I Want And Need

My mind is constantly on one thought, I get myself off it and then boom, reminders are there always. Just popping up. It's exasperating and I think I just need to stop and yet I don't. My feelings remind me of the song by Wilson Philips, A Reason To Believe.

Someone like you makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you makes it easy to give, never think of myself
Someone like you makes it hard to think about somebody else

I love these words it is exactly how I feel right now and I have been for quite sometime. I don't even care what other people think, I only care about what I want.

I am missing what I want so much, trying to figure out how I am going to handle not having what I want yet. I can't turn my mind off, I dream all night and then day dream all day. There are days that it is overwhelming and I try so hard not to think, not to feel but the thoughts and feelings are there no matter how hard I try to change it.

Sometimes on the way to work, I just start to feel emotional about what I want and I feel so foolish for losing it. You would think I was more grown up than that but then I realize that the older you get doesn't mean that you are not effected by your emotions. Deep down inside, no matter how much we age we are still the same insecure teenager we were when we were growing up. I thought those years were behind me but they are not, I still feel like I did when I was younger. I feel like somethings are out of my grasp, like things will never change and I may never have that ultimate dream. I know it's silly, I know the truth of the Secret and I know that is just my fear.

I guess it was just so imbedded in me when I was younger, I still remember the words my step mother told me and my sisters when I was younger. She told my other two sisters that atleast when someone loved me, it would be for me and not for what I looked like. Hmmm... nice, she instilled in me that I didn't have the right look, that someone would have to see past my looks to love me.

Is she right that no one could see past to see the real me, to love the real me? Could anyone truly want me for me? I am disappointed that I allow those thoughts to shape who I am. I have worked so hard to move passed them.

It's a good thing I am seeing a councillor and working on those past thoughts, making changes to them. Surely I can move past them and know the truth and then maybe I can have my ultimate desire.

Dealing With Frustration

When I know how something is supposed to work out, it frustrates me so much when it takes so long.  I want it be quick, I want what I want right now. I haven't stopped believing by a long shot but sometimes the final result feels so far away and out of reach.

I keep thinking there is something I can do or say to expedite it and unfortunately I have to admit it is out of my hands. That's so hard for me to just let it happen in time and not do all I can to make it happen quicker.

Because honestly when I think about my life and how incredibly blessed that I am in my life, it blows me away.  I have two fantastic daughters, honest, sweet, kind and caring children, they take my breath away.  I live in a place that I love, sure it isn't perfect but there is nothing that cannot be changed in time. I love my job, I actually feel like it is a career.  It is challenging, makes me think and I learn something new every day. I have fantastic sisters that I love so much and more friends than I can keep track of. 

Then here I sit with a little sadness because I don't have who or what I want in my life yet. I know that I seriously have to let it go and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. When I do get that ultimate goal, I am going to prove how much I deserve it and I will never neglect it. I will do pretty well whatever I have to, to show that I know how blessed I am to finally have my main dream.


Today I have had a song stuck in my head, it's a beautiful song but it brings up so much emotion.  The song is You and Me by Lifehouse. I had to find the words, I blasted it five times in a row, still in my head though. I wonder where I was when this song came out, I know I've heard it before but I never got into it until yesterday.

Also, at work today, I was doing all that I could to think of anything but what I wanted.  Yet, what I wanted was shoved in my face over and over.... I was there, trying to do my job, then the client sais, the employees name is **** and then she spells it out twice like I don't know how to spell. I started to cry because it is so frustrating when I am trying so hard to concentrate and there it is in my face, over and over. How can anyone have that effect on me? 

I need to get myself together, I cannot just break down because a name is mentioned. The problem is that it is said so often that I can't believe it.  Sometimes I wonder if there is any other name on the planet. I have heard the name for a restaurant, first name, last name and even the name is in a company name.  Although I love my name, I am sure it is not brought up in conversation, so I wonder if I am thought about? 

Well, it was a rough night last night, with all the heat and my insomnia. I need to get some control and I need a fan. Let's see if I can get more then 3 hours of sleep tonight.

Needs Versus Wants

When I think about what I want and honestly that list is not very long, I still know that what I want and what I need never seem to be in alignment.  I think that since I ask for so little that I should have it but the reality is that if I don't expect much, I won't get much.

So, I have decided to shoot for the stars, I want the the whole thing, not part of it... nothing less will do. The universe wants me to have everything I want, I just have to put as much energy as I can into drawing it to me.   The funny thing is that I don't know why I have a hard time believing in the Secret when I have seen it work in my life continuously.  I wanted the job I have, I believed and it happened, I wanted this apartment and I believed and I got it.  Why do I not believe for everything?

I really think that when it comes to wanting what I want more than anything else, I am afraid.... afraid that I will never have it.  Fear keeps me from having what I want, I need to stay positive and than it will happen, it cannot be denied.

So, starting today.... any negative thoughts I have, I am going to change it to a positive thought and keep believing that what I want and need are the exact same thing. Also, I deserve to have what I want and need!  It is just difficult when some things are contingent on other people, it is hard to make others believe what I know;)

Poetry~Mine and Random


If you love something, set it free;
if it comes back it's yours,
if it doesn't, it never was.


What Is This Love That I Feel?

What is this love that I feel?
Is it real?
Or is it what they call first love?
It doesn't last they say

Brings only pain, all the laughters gone away
Or could it be true love?
What is this love that I feel?


Lost Feelings

How could you love me
so much one day?
And then the next
have all the feelings you had go away?

You locked the door into your heart
and took away the key.
First you took my heart
and hid it, where I can't see

I'm always in a dream
of what we loved and had.
I don't know why I do it
when it leaves me feeling sad?

The pain I feel is still so strong
how can I go on without you?
When all I remember is the love we shared
it's almost more than I can do

When I hear your voice
it sounds so far away and cold
I realize that you
will never be mine again to hold


What will be will be
Dreams I have of you
holding me in your arms
and loving me too!

Reality isn't the same
commitment isn't for you
life is just a game!

I want to have you anyway
just to hold you near
if only for a day!

Don't get involved with time
there is no future for us
'Cause your love is not mine!

So, I take all the fun I can get
knowing you'll be gone in a while
only, I'm happy because we met!

So here's my love to you, it's free
no strings that bind and tie
what will be, will be


Goodbye to Yesterdays

Can I have my yesterdays back to keep?
Only in my dreams
The present and future hold no promises
My memories run too deep.

You say you're no good for me
You don't love, want or need me.
All I feel is loneliness and pain.
What I want, need or love is you, don't you see?

But as the saying goes, I have to let you go.
I'm sure I will love again.
Though it will never be the same.
I could never desire, love or trust another so...

I want you to be happy within your heart
Find someone to love and need.
I hope I can do the same.
Well goodbye, I wish we hadn't had to part.


Last Night
All I did last night was think about you
wonder about you
dream about you

You're on my mind so much I want to kiss you
I want to hold you
I want to love you

I wish you felt the same way wanting me
needing me
loving me

But dreams are not reality It's always that way
every night and every day
pain is all I feel, today

I can't change how I feel I always knew
I loved you
it is true!



I thought of you as a bright summer day
But that was honestly not your way
You're more like the wind than the sun
You're here for a moment a sweet moment of fun

You go around me, than through me
Then when you're done, you leave me be
How can I handle this love that I feel
You took away a part of me, now I don't seam real

You have your right to be free
I hope you're as happy as you can be
It's just so sad that we had to part
But I will cherish your love in my heart!



Weighing Pros and Cons

My mind has been in chaos lately, one minute I am up and things are great, on the turn of dime though, I can be down.  Makes me wonder why I put myself through things, like letting myself feel anything for anyone when it never seems to go where I want it go go. Is it really worth it in the long run?  This is where I have been weighing pros and cons, except my con list is shorter than I know that it should be since deep down I don't want to give up what I want.

I am not sure that I want to lose anything else, since I have lost so much in the last few years.  The truth though is what am I losing if I don't really have what I want right now?  Yet I hold on to maybe, in the future.  I wonder if it is realistic, yet somehow I still want what I want and the stubborn part of me keeps holding on until there is no hope.

Deep down I know that can't be good in the long run, I mean how painful will it all end up being if what I want doesn't happen and not because it wasn't supposed to happen.  I truly believe that I should have what I want so much but it just isn't up to me.  How I wish that it was, then I could have the opportunity to show how good it could be.

Unfortunately, I am more confused then ever... nothing is cut an dry.  For each time I say that I am done, that I need to get over it, move on... I find a reason to hang on.  Tenacious ?  Stubborn? or just foolish.  I guess that still remains to be seen. 

Even though I believe the words from 'The Dance' by Garth Brooks, I sometimes wish I could go back and change a couple of things but I guess if I did, I might not be where I am today. Hmm, so many things to think about and so many decisions to make, I just want to make the right one's this time, I have made so many wrong choices over the years, I would love to make this one different.

Random Thoughts

I have been having a difficult time sleeping lately, a lot of it is the heat but I do think there are other factors at play.  I am getting close to my birthday which I was so excited about until the past day or so. I just don't even want to think about spending my birthday alone this year.  I don't how to make it different, I thought one thing only to find out another. This whole week has been off for me, I just cannot believe that I have allowed myself to feel this way again.

This week brought back strong memories of all the hurtful things my ex used to say to me over and over. He actually told me that I was, old, fat, ugly and disgusting.  Such hurtful words that I allowed to shape me. I want to change those words in my head and never think of them again. Unfortunately last week brought the memories up so strongly when I put myself out there and it didn't work out. It really is not the greatest feeling, pretty hard to handle but I am hoping I will grow from it and not let it bring me down.

Well I have had a lot of time to think and wonder how to move on, still not sure but I do know that I want to move on.  I don't want to allow myself to go back to difficult place I was at, not so long ago. I am stronger than I think I am, I will overcome and I will grow stronger because of it.

The Truth Is Painful

I realized that always knowing is not always the best.  The truth can be very painful, what the alternative is worse. I don't want to do what I have always done in the past, which is eat to cover it.   I just don't know if I can handle how deep this pain feels. I want to be able to get past it so that I don't let it destroy me. I have only ever let one other person do that to me and I promised myself that I would never be hurt that bad again. Well, I was wrong, I somewhere diverted from my plan and now I have to deal with the repercussions.

I just thought there would be a way, if I could just have a chance, I could prove what I know.  No chance was given so now I cannot prove what I know. Thinking about where I have come from and how on this same matter, I always return to the beginning, it's like I have not learned my lesson.

I thought it was painful the first time around, this one is pretty deep.  I guess I will just have to cry whenever I feel like it, maybe I can move on if I feel. I just wish that I had a chance.

So, as painful as the truth is, I guess I will feel it so that I don't eat it, I guess I have learned something, even though I'm without what I have always wanted.

Serious Thinking

I had an odd night last night, I tried to connect with someone last night and I did it in a way that is not me. So I realized that although I feel great about myself and all the fantastic changes in my life, I am still very vunerable when it comes to being attracted to someone. I still have that imbeded thought that a man couldn't possibly love me, all he wants is something physical. So, I figured out that I still have work to do.

I love me, I am a good, kind, loving, funny person, I am finally starting to believe it, so honestly I deserve the whole thing, not just pieces. Hmmm, that means I have to act like the woman that I am and let myself shine through. I am interesting, I can talk about anything, I can listen, I have empathy, I have all kinds of different interests. I am not afraid of change, it is the only way we grow.

I also realized that I am not in love but I do have feelings, strong feelings. You cannot be in love with someone if they are not in love with you. So, no matter what road we travel, if it is not the same path, I would still want to remain friends with that person. When I like someone, I really take an interest in them. That is just me, if I have no interest in you, you are no where near my life.

I had a friend who I loved for over 20 years but when push came to shove, he let me down in a way that no one in my life has ever done. I held on until about a month ago and I removed him completely from my life. He once told me that he would always have the ability to contact me, well now he can't. You don't treat your friends like that. You stand by your friends, especially when they have had experiences beyond what they thought they could handle. He just abandoned me, left me to deal with my pain. I totally became someone that I didn't even know. I am so glad that I got a handle on that. I had to rid my life of toxic things and toxic people.

I have honestly never felt better... my life is really very good, I have a cute place, especially when it is clean;) I have a great job with so much potential, I have two beautiful children, who are amazing and keep me centred and I have a lot of friends, thank goodness I am not a shy person, I remember as a teenager and in my early 20's, I was very shy but then I just changed that. I am glad I did, my friends have helped me out so much throughout my life and I want to return the favor to all of them.

Well have to work, hoping I always remember as I know right here and now, I deserve to be loved, everyone does. We are all special in our own way, we touch each others lives in ways we don't even know. I am just grateful that it happens.

Having an aha moment

Today I had another aha moment, I have been reading and studying the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I had a moment almost two months ago and immediately changed how I ate. I don't deprive myself of food, I really think about what I am eating. I make a conscious choice to listen to myself and put myself first. I used to say, I don't have time to eat breakfast, I make time now.  I never took a lunch but then I would buy junk food to eat, now I take lots of vegetables and fruit so that I never even think of buying junk.

Lately though, I have been wondering how I could  be eating so healthy, so thoughtfully and still not losing any weight. Today I realized that it was because I have tortured my body for so many years by never listening to it, by depriving it of food or gorging beyond belief. I understood that my body is not believing me because I have never listened to it in the past but I know that the weight loss can not be denied as my body will catch up with my mind and the weight loss will happen.  My body will believe what I know what my mind already knows.

I also want to teach my children differently, especially my youngest daughter at home, I know that I have to set the example before she will ever learn it. I have to show her that food is not love and that if she really is to love herself, she will listen to what her body wants and she will deal with the pain without shoving it down with food.

I am so incredibly grateful that I have been open to the message and that I have continued to be open to each message that meant to help guide me to be the best me.

My birthday wish

The older I get, the less that I want things for my birthday, the more that I want relationships to be happy and fulfilling. The truth is that you cannot take things with you when you die but the love you feel for someone is always in your heart.

So, for my birthday wish this year, I want someone special to realize how wonderful they are and I want them to know how special I am too.  We would be amazing together if we just took the chance.  I believe enough for the two of us;)

Oh and honestly, I could care less what other people think of who I care for, it is not their life and they don't make decisions for me.  I make my own decisions. Too bad I wasted so much of my life caring what other people think but atleast I finally got it and didn't waste my whole life being that way:)

I have learned to love myself which I know will help other people to love me too, for no one can love you enough if you don't love yourself first. You attract what you give out, that is why I know that I can attract what I want in my life and now the sky in the limit.  I only want the best now, nothing second rate, just the person that I love:)

Someone Special

I have someone that I think is beyond special, however; they don't feel that way about themselves and it keeps us from being closer friends. They are so insecure and need constant reassurance, that ultimately they don't believe.  I really wish that I knew how to get through to them but I know there is nothing that I can say until they are ready to see the truth.

The fact is that we are all special and we all need a little reassurance of this but no one can make you believe this about yourself until you are willing to open up and believe it yourself.

A year ago, I would have thought it was impossible to ever love another person romantically. Yet I have fallen in love and of course I didn't choose the easy path, I chose a difficult one. Honestly though, I know that when it works out, it will be amazing and so worth the effort I am putting into it.

Until now, I have only loved one man and I thought that would be it for me, I mean I am 46 but it is never too late to fall in love. As scary as it is and it is scary, I am grateful for my feelings, no matter how things turn out.  Although, I believe when something is meant to be, it will be, no one can stop the inevitable.

Just remember how special you are and one day I really hope you feel it inside yourself, then you will know exactly what I see in you.

Sisterhood, does this exist?

After this weekend, I have been wondering if sisterhood is around when a woman is in her 40's.  I used to be a little closed minded when I was younger but I have become way more open minded as I have become older. That is not to say that other woman my age have done this, I have woman judging me on who I want to 'date'.  Who cares who I date other than me and the guy I date, why do woman my age feel it is their right to put me down for my choices.  I think it is funny actually, I think they are jealous or they are so close minded that they wouldn't know a good thing if it happened to them.

I honestly do not care what anyone thinks of who I want to 'date', I just think it hilarious that other woman my age feel the need to pull me down because of it. Whatever, you guys look funny when you talk like that in front of men. If the truth be known, men my age have never treated me with an ounce of respect ever. So, why would I want to date one.  Besides men my age are married or attached, I am not into either. Frankly I have something to say to them, if you are not happy where you are at, get out.  It's pretty simple.  Instead you have woman my age standing up for you because they are willing to put up with that. I respect myself too much.

All woman should respect themselves enough to stand up for what they know is right and we as woman should stand together instead of pulling each other down. I believe sisterhood is still out there, I just have to find the right women, the ones that know that when you judge another sister, you only make yourself look bad.

Remember this when you make a decision that won't be all that popular with all your peers and then maybe you won't be so hard on another sister.  Life is too short to tear another person down, glad that they chose me, I am strong enough to let it slide off and live the way I want.  I don't need anyones approval, I make my rules and I live with the consequences. 


I wonder why we allow ourselves to be enslaved by things?  I have been working hard to free myself of all the painful words I have allowed myself to believe over the years and of all the things I have put into my body so that I could deal with the pain.

None of it worked however, the pain was always there, underneath, controlling me.  So, instead I have been cleaning myself up slowly of all the toxic things I have allowed in my life and what has it left, the pain. It's raw and real but what I have learned is that as bad as it is, it's not nearly as bad as trying to cover it.

I am reading, actually studying a book that has helped me change. It opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, now I just cry and deal with the pain. I don't try to eat it away, like I have in the past.  I want to pay attention to what I am feeling, so that I can recognize and grow from where I have been.  Instead of burying myself so deep, trying to hide.

Each new day is a gift, yes it is hard.  I would never say it is easy but atleast I am active in my life and not just viewing it through a hazy mind. 

I have many goals, two big ones, one is definitely attainable by the end of this month.  Valentina is coming home, I want to be the mother that she needs and loves. I was so lost for so long I couldn't be anything for anyone but now there is a light.

The other is to be with the man that I love, this is a bit harder as it hinges on him too but I believe it can happen if I stay strong, focused and remember that I totally deserve to be loved and that I am a good, kind and loving person.  Unfortunately he met me at my worst but I can show him the different person I have become. 

People have commented on how giddy I am and I really am. Sure, I have bad times still, now I allow myself to feel that pain then I move ahead.  The old me would have wallowed in it and stagnated, no longer will I allow things like that to drag me down.

I am grateful that I have been inspired to change how I feel about me, it's a long road, not done overnight but it is something that I am conscious of daily.  I stop and think when I say something negative and then I don't degrade myself for the negative thought but I change it to be as positive as I can be.

I am a work in progress but I am on the right road<3

Gratitude for life

Today, I am thinking of how blessed I am and the gratitude I have for it. Sometimes when things don't go the way I want, I forget how lucky I really am. Just when I think I have it all figured out I have something good happen that reminds me I don't. Maybe we are not supposed to have it all figured out, if we did life would be pretty boring.

The bumps in the road we travel end up being what helps us grow, it's so hard to remember when we hit a bump though. I think gratitude is the way to remember, so with my blogging I am going to be grateful for one thing each time.

I am grateful for my two daughters, I could not be luckier in having two beautiful, kind, smart and caring girls. I don't always remember which I cannot believe I don't always keep that at the fore front of my thoughts. My life would be pretty meaningless without them, they ground me in ways I am sure they are not aware.

Now to work on being a better person each day so I can be a better mommy or mama.

Long Past Due

First I have to say, I have missed blogging. My computer was down for nearly a month and I never realized how much I needed it. I thought well, I have my blackberry but it is really hard to write a post on one of those items.

The older I get, the more I realize age is just a number. I am 46 yet I feel 16 sometimes. I still do foolish things that as an adult you would think I would know better. I feel like the way I act and the things I do, I would tell my daughters to grow up.  Well, I would be a fine one to talk with how I have been behaving lately.

I have also learned to cut myself a little slack, I have had so many things to deal with in the past two years. In dealing with all that has been dealt to me, I have not been myself.  I am starting to handle things better but I still want what I want;)

I guess I have also got to an age that I don't want anyone telling me how to live my life, even if they feel they know best.  I am sure everyone is well meaning but it gets tiring hearing the same thing over and over.  I will live the way I want and I am the one who will deal with the consequences.  No amount of fear will make me live a way I don't want to, I want to have fun, enjoy myself and live a little.

Well, I definitely plan to blog more, being without it made me realize how much I really miss it.

My Better Judgement

I have been living my life in a bubble for the last month, I have been so focused on one thing and one thing only.  I have neglected everything for this one thing, mostly I have neglected myself. I cannot believe that I allowed myself to become so focused on one thing again. I never learn, I keep doing this because for some nutty reason I neglect to learn the lesson attached so that I can move on.  I have had the nerve in my 20's to be so damn judgmental, now I reflect on that girl and how far I have come in my life. I brought myself up from no where, I was 18 and on social assistance with a grade 11 education. I worked so hard to get my GED and go to community college. I wanted a better life, I wanted to take care of myself. Well I did that, I can take care of me and I can take care of Valentina money wise but everything else has fallen apart with me wanting to be so independent, I sacrificed myself along the way.

I gained a ton of experience and I am not sure that I would want to change them, it made me who I am today, I like myself as a person but I am not happy with my behavior. What I mean by that is that I have always been a very honest and direct kind of person, I don't play around with wondering, I know if I like someone almost immediately. I usually read people well, some have hidden their real self long enough for me to care about them, those are the worst. I like the direct and honest approach and I have just been sitting around waiting, waiting, I have to ask myself for what, nothing or no one is going to just hop into my life.

I am going to have to get out there, get back to the gym, blog more, spend more time outdoors this summer and get my license. I just needed to re focus but before I take this on 100 percent, I am going to have to take the direct and honest approach and hope it gives me an edge in getting what I want in life.

The past two years of my life has been on a downward spiral, all because of one night.  I have been so desperately in need of re learning to love myself that I took it as finding something or someone to make me feel loved.   Not always the best ideas in the past year, tons of things against my better judgment but at least I think I have learned the lesson, I really hope so, I am tired of trying to learn the same thing over and over
It's exhausting and boring.  I am really going to go on a limb to see if there is anyway I can have what I really want in my life.

I will live with the consequences as the end goal is worthy of the effort I have put into attaining this one thing, I have to give in one last try. At least I will have a chance and then I will know for sure one way or the other so I can move on if it doesn't work out the way I hope.


I love trying to figure somebody out, it is a passion of mine. I talk a lot so other people will feel at ease and talk to me too. I listen to everything I am told and try to understand what makes someone who they are. Basically people just want to be loved and acknowledged. I know that I probably lost my opportunity with who I really wanted because I wasn't seeing them in the right light. Now that I do, it makes me wish that I would be in tune so that I didn't miss out on great opportunities.

Opening yourself up for love is one of the hardest things to do, it is always so scary. It means admitting your feelings when you are not sure how the other person feels. It is lonely before you open up then scary as hell waiting to hear the same words returned and then not getting it. It makes it so hard to want to build yourself up again to try again to probably only get the same response.

Last night I had an epiphany, I realized the last two weeks of my bad back and cold and rejection all came because I have lost focus and I became negative. Something I had worked so hard not to be but I now know that all this stuff that is pulling me down is what I have attracted into my life. All by being negative. It shocked me how powerful the 'Secret' is;)

So this week has started out like my weekend, I am thinking and pondering where I am and how I can change to get to where I want to be.  I want something that seems out of reach but this day and going forward I am going to be positive that I am going to have it, no matter what:)  I am going to prove worthy of what I want and once I have it, then I can make the goal to keep it by always being grateful, loving, kind, caring and sensitive. Not that bad things don't creep in but I am not allowing that to take over, I will know and remember how lucky I am to have my hearts desire:)

One thing at a time, working on making my life exactly what I want it to be and attracting the people that I want into my life. <3

A thought filled weekend

I spent most of this weekend just thinking about things, so many things my mind raced with images. I wondered how I ended up where I am now when I used to have so many wonderful things in my life. Yet I have done things that are not me because I have not been able to come to terms with what I had to deal with. Councilors act like it is normal to act out, I don't know how this can be good., I am usually busy all weekend, keeping is contact with all my friends but this weekend I just spent time with me and then a day with Valentina,. It has been a tough week for both her an me with my hurting my back and not being able to look after her.

I also found out how some people think about me when they don't know that I might find out. It is so nice to know that I can be disregarded so easily. Other friends have been there and never given up on me, I appreciate them all so much.

I am a kind, loving, intelligent and fun person, I am never going to let anyone make me believe less of myself. I try hard to always be good to people that come into my life and yet I have not had the same favor in return.  I honestly believe it is because I care too much and give way too much of my heart out. I only do this because I have been in love one time in my life. I know how wonderful it is, I know the joy it can bring and bonding. I have longed for that since I lost that love. I thought the only way that I could get that back was to be with him but that was not to be, what I was meant to do was open my heart to another. I finally did but I think I did it too late. I could not believe someone so wonderful could care for me too. When I finally realized it, I think it was too late, which is sad to me.

So now I have to get myself together and go back to getting to know people again. I just want to be strong enough as rejection takes alot out of me, it is emotionally hard to offer my feelings to another person, to have them ignored or rejected. A heart can only handle so much but I definitely need to move on.

I am hoping that I can work back to where I was 2 years ago before all this happened, I wonder how my life would be different. If I could have one wish in my life it would be to erase that night, it is my fondest desires.  I lost so much that night and I am finally working on getting some of that back.

I am really hoping there will be a resolution and that I will learn to live with that night and move on maybe even fall in love. It cannot be too late for me, I would be wonderful to the right man and treat him like a king. He would know that he was loved, he wouldn't have to wonder.

Well one thing at a time, I am not going to overwhelm myself, like I usually do. I am just going to work at a good pace. Everything will come together, I will be back to where I want to be in record time.