Taking A Break To Get Balance

I have been thinking about this for a while, Thursday brought it front and center and I realized I have to change something in my life so that I can began to sleep a little more than the few broken hours that I get every night and that I have had for the past 7 months.

Since it is working hard on becoming Spring here, today was gorgeous... it gave me great hope that more days are on the way.  One of the things I want to do is work out more, I have been walking a great deal since my last post. I have walked over 12 miles, it has felt wonderful to get back out at it, I have lost a little speed but I am sure I will get it back soon.
I think exercising will help me relax and I want to spend more time getting organized as I am actively looking for a new place and I have people looking as well. I need to be prepared to move and not have excess baggage to weigh me down.  The older I get the more minimalistic I become.  I seriously want to get rid a good 50 percent of my stuff because I don't use it, it just takes up space and causes clutter.

I also want to spend a lot of quality time with Valentina, we have been cooking together, playing a board game here and there, watching a TV show together... It has been good but we need more of those days.  So I have already been around to many blogs where I left comments and emailed others to let you know that I have decided to take a blog break and a social media break starting Monday morning and I am not sure how long I will be gone.
I am going to miss you, I know I have missed messaging a few, I follow a lot of blogs and so many of you inspire me or leave me lovely comments on my blog.  Some of you I have come to know through other forms of social media and I have really loved connecting which I will be back to ... just as soon as I figure out how to get some sleep.

I am sure I will not know what to do with myself for a while, I usually wake up... have a shower and then read and comment on blogs... then more on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home... So I have decided to walk as much as I can and spend as much time as I can with Valentina.

I will still be answering emails so if anyone wants to say hi and let me know how you are doing you can email me here .  I have a little work to do and it involves spending a little time just meditating and not filling time up so that I don't have to think or deal.  Which only spills over into my life where I am unable to sleep... Let me tell you that I have gone without sleep many times in my life, having a baby is one of those times but a bit different as I napped whenever I could and I did get 4 hours strung together.

I rarely sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and sometimes 3 hours... That is not enough to really focus on work and being a parent, both of these need my full attention and when I don't sleep they are affected.  I hope when I come back it will be where I have a little more balance in my life ... with sleep being one of them.

I look forward to catching up with you when I get back, until then I will miss you... 
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Forgiveness Is A Choice

I have been thinking about a question I was posed last week.  The person wanted to know if I could articulate why I have been feeling the way I have?  I sat there for a moment before I answered and then I said... I guess I thought my life would be different.  I get up, go to work, come home, be a mom, try to sleep and then repeat over and over. That isn't living, that is surviving; there really has to be more to life than this, right?

Please don't tell me that happiness is a choice, that's a lovely thought but sometimes there are circumstances out of our control.  I am going to be honest here, when I hear things like that or others like I need to accept the way my life is or that I am the one standing in the way of my own progression.... It makes me feel like I am not worthy of love or happiness, like it's my fault. If I just changed the way I thought, I would have peace and happiness.  Sometimes it is not that easy.
I do know one thing, I am not a person who can live with holding a grudge or really disliking someone as it eats at me.  Yes there are plenty of people that we meet that we don't connect with or don't like ... when I say I don't hold a grudge or dislike someone, I mean I don't let them have space in my head. I just move on, I don't think of them.

It can be really difficult when a person continues to do everything that they can to tear me down, I want to be the stronger woman and just prove to them and everyone that no matter how many times you try to hurt me, I only come back stronger.  Truthfully if everything is rosy and perfect in your life, you wouldn't have time to waste looking for ways to bring me down, especially since you don't even know me.

For me to move forward, I have to forgive you for hurting me, otherwise you will always be in my life where you can pull me down to your level.  I don't want you as a part of my life in any way, I don't want to dislike you as I have and I don't want to waste my time even thinking about you.  I suggest you do the same... you have what you want, isn't that enough?  I guess not, if it was... I wouldn't be front and center in your life.

I am an open book, I am the same here that I am in real life.  I don't hide behind my words, I don't pretend to think or act like I have it all together.  Quite the opposite, I say it like it is, I tell the truth... even if it's not what people want to hear. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable but I don't know how to be any other way. I am not what you want to think or say I am, I am so much better than that... Hopefully you will feel that way about yourself one day and realize the only real damage you are causing is to yourself...

This thought and post came about because it is Easter, a time to reflect on gratitude and forgiveness.  I realized I was angry at this person for continually trying to hurt me, I want to forgive them and move on, even if they keep trying to hurt me, I am going to ignore them.  Frankly they are not worth my time, they are not as important as they think they are... Is there someone in your life that is taking up space in your head and not in a good way?  Forgiveness is a choice. . .
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

I Won't Let The Bumps Derail Me

Today the weather was clear and sunny, it was cold... but the sun lifted my spirits a little, being able to see that Spring is definitely trying to take over... soon I will be able to head out the door without layers and layers of clothing.

It has been almost ten months since I made a commitment to myself and changed my whole way of life, in less than one year I lost almost 80 pounds and became a much healthier version of myself.  When I decided to make the change and really put the effort in, I realized although it was hard work, it was not impossible, as I had always thought. 

I had grown up quite slim and did not really gain weight until after I had my oldest daughter Andrea.  I tried a few times over the years to lose the weight, usually I was semi successful with Weight Watchers but I never really put eating healthy with exercising together.  Basically I would eat well, lose the weight, then go back to eating the way I did before and of course put the weight back on.  What makes this different... I wanted this more than I have ever wanted it before in my life.
My intentions were never to become really slim, I am quite happy where I am right now, I plan to tone up, get back to walking/jogging ... if I lose some more, bonus... if I don't I know the toning up will help me to lose inches and define my shape even more.  I changed my lifestyle and frankly, I never want to go back there again. I like the way I feel and I am feeling good about the way my body looks...

The next phase of my life will be mostly about maintaining, that will be a new challenge all on its own, I am up for this challenge though, I don't ever plan to give up on maintaining the best health I can for myself ... I changed when I learned to love myself where I was ... that is when I knew I would be successful, even if there were bumps in the road, which there have been many. I didn't let the bumps derail me from my goal.
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

We All Need A Little Help Sometimes

I wanted to take a moment to catch you up on the contest at work, I lost by a half a percentage point, I really won though because I lost another 18 pounds in ten weeks and I am pleased with where my weight is at, of course I want to lose another 10-15 pounds but I am going to take my time and not push myself so hard... no more contests for me as there really is no need... they served their purpose.

I don't have writers block because I can write everywhere else, as a matter of fact I wrote three times in my other blog this week as well I have written in my gratitude journal for 50+ days.  I think today was one of the hardest days, I sat and looked at the screen for a lot longer than normal.  It wasn't because I am not grateful... it's that I want the entries to have meaning.. not just writing to write something.  Today I took a little longer but I finally came up with something meaningful... thankfully I am already for tomorrows post.

Now back to the issue at hand, writing here has not been an easy thing lately, it's because the other two places I am writing, no one can read them and here it is opened to everyone.  Which stops me from being totally open sometimes, I remember when I started writing my blog the summer of 2009, it was a little over a year after my ex husband Andrey had raped me.  He had emotional issues where he was very unstable and finally he was put in jail for a time. Once he was put a way for year, I needed this place to write things down, to give myself a voice.

I then entered down a path for a couple of years that I don't even recognize myself from then but through it all I wrote, it was what I needed to do to finally get passed what that night had done to me or taken away from me.  Yet I don't know that I actually got passed it but that I came to realize that I did not do anything to deserve what Andrey had done to me, no woman does.   I have since forgiven him, I had to if I ever wanted to move on... otherwise I would have been in that loop still.. the one that I was in for two years where I was not myself, I was in survival mode.
Then he (My One And Only) came back into my life that summer and we had the whirlwind romance... the one that takes your breath away where you feel so incredibly happy.  However; in the end he didn't feel the same way and I was left with writing... which I did a lot of, I wrote everything about how I felt, what I was going through and about him.  Of course I wrote about him, he was my best friend... he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life.

Now I am facing an even more difficult time and I have been dealing with this alone.  Although I can be up and down on any given day... I usually find the good in even a challenging day. These days seem to have more trials and more close together.. I always look for the good, because what you look for you usually find.. however; lately finding the good is not always easy.  It is why I started my gratitude journal, it makes me sit and reflect if only for a few minutes about the good in my day. 

I know deep in my heart that there is more to life than just getting by, just surviving.. it's what I long for... I long for a little joy to make the challenges all worth it.  I know people are going to say stay strong, look how much you have come through, look how much you have changed your life.  It's not that I don't think any of this is not true, I am strong, I have come through a great deal and I have changed my life for the better.  I also know that challenges never really stop, they are always there in some form and I don't expect to be exempt from them.

However; could I have a small break once and a while?  Would this be asking to much?  I don't think so... I also want to say something to the well meaning people I know in my life, the ones who really know me... please don't tell me about someone worse off than me and how lucky I am... do you not think that I know this?  The feeling I have isn't something I want to feel, it is just there, it has been compounded with endless broken sleep for over six months, it is the loss of my best friend and it is coming to terms with being where I am and where my future is headed.
Saying all this, I have come to understand that I am not going to get through this latest challenge by myself, I am going to need to talk this over with someone,  since I have never really dealt with anything like this loss and doing it without sleep.  I am sure everything would look different if I could just get some sleep, it seems to magnify the emotions and issues.

I will be seeking out and asking for any and all help ... I can honestly say there are days were I feel very lost and very alone and it takes everything I can do to just get up and start the day.  I do it though because I have to but that is not a way to live forever, it's good that I can push through and still work ... but where is the joy in that?  I want more than that, I need more than that.

I know many of you have been aware and have messaged me privately ... I really appreciate every sweet comment written to me... as well since I have my comments on  moderation, there are many more that are really personal that I don't  publish.  I think many people feel the way I do and they don't reach out, they don't ask for help... I didn't want to.. I wanted to be strong enough to deal with this myself but we all need a little help sometimes.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest //