The Past, Present and Future

The past, something I thought I had conquered and overcome... do we ever really overcome it.  I think it's always there lurking ready to remind us where we have come from.

People say that the present is the only thing that we need to worry about... that there is nothing else. If that is true, how come no matter how we try to overcome the past, where we have come from, it is still there. Reminding us that we have come far but not far enough. It reminds us of all the mistakes we have made that got us to where we are today.It reminds us of what we have lost and can't get back.  It reminds us that we are human and that no matter what we think now our past always reminds us where we have been.

The future is just memories waiting to be created. I was hoping that somehow... they would be good ones, with better outcomes.  Maybe some people are not meant to have the good outcomes. I wanted to somehow believe that I could overcome everything that held me back.

Now I just don't know anymore... it seems the harder I try the more obstacles come my way. Obstacles that seem insurmountable, I want to believe that I am strong enough but I haven't seen that lately, where is that girl, the one that is positive and optimistic. Could all of that been taken away on one night? Am I never going to get her back?  I want to win and succeed, I just don't know how to do it from here.

I can't let one night destroy me... if I do... he wins. But how do I win?

The System

I have to say... I had much more faith in our system. Boy, was I wrong, it didn't matter that I am a coherent and intelligent person and the other person is considered  irrational.  A judge felt that the irrational person should be given the benefit of the doubt. I wish men could go through what woman go through. They might think differently, at least I will not have to answer to anyone for my actions or decisions on that matter... I would not want to be the person who made that decision and if so, I would hope there will be no repercussions.

I have my own things that I have to deal with but I also know that I have had to deal with much more than I ever thought possible. Pretty sure that I am not dealing with it the best but what else can I do... there are so many ways I can self destruct and I am trying to choose the things that will cause the least issues. Although, truth be told, there is no way to choose things that are not what we are supposed to chose and to make them right.  I just don't know how to move on.

I honestly don't know if I can move forward, not with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with! I know I am supposed to be the bigger and smarter person but it's not enough to know it, I don't feel it.  I feel like a small inadequate person with no say and I don't like that feeling. It means I am not in control, when did I give up the control, why did I give it up?

So now, all I am trying to do is fill voids that seem like bottomless pits, nothing ever seems to fill them up and make them better. Will I just ever feel okay again, I have to believe that one day I will, one day I will know that my worth is more than this. It just seems that now is not that time.

Why do I say this, because if someone I have been friends with pretty well half of my life cannot let me be a part of their life, it makes me wonder if I can ever feel normal again. I want to feel right again, I just don't know how.

Being strong in tough times

I am in for one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a very long time and I am not looking forward to it. I have found myself not being my authentic self, it is like I am floating up and over myself and watching my odd behavior. Wondering where it will all stop or where it will stop! Wondering what it will take for me to get back on track, hmmmm. Or have I taken a wrong path too far to get back to where I know I should be. Why is it so hard to do the right thing, is it because it is so boring?  Why do I crave excitement now... why do I need to have so much craziness in my life to make me feel.

I am hoping so much that when this week is over, I will be able to move on and deal with the issues from the past. Maybe then I will be able to find the path that I want to be on. At least I can start to deal with the past and why I have allowed it to own who I am.

I think a lot of the reason is that because someone that I care a great deal for made me think that what happened to me was my fault, if I had just done something one way and not the way that I did, then I would not be in the situation I was in. Deep down, part of me has held that feeling and thought... maybe if I had just done something one way....???  So, I have not dealt with what happened, I have internalized it, especially when they now refuse to speak to me again, like I did something to bring that into my life.

I guess for me to move on I have to understand that sometimes we lose things that are very important to us and that sometimes that is just the way that it is, as sad as that is... I have to let that loss go. Really it will be harder for them in the future when they finally realize what they have done and it will be too late for them to be where they want to be. I have to move forward and that means letting go of the past. I have to be strong in these tough times and do the right thing and not what I want!

Trying to fill voids

For the past 8 months or more... I have been trying to fill voids in my life. I have tried many different things to fill them, not all that wonderful but I am constantly trying something different. I keep thinking this next thing will be the change I need and yet I still feel so empty.

After being rejected and hurt so much in the last 10 years of my life, I made a commitment to myself that I would not let anyone in my heart again. Somebody snuck in and I didn't realize it till it was too late. Now I try all I can to not allow my heart to hurt again. I have been lying to myself in that I just liked them, I mean where could it go... we seem to be from two different worlds but it was completely obvious to me this week that I had allowed myself to care much more than I should have.

So, instead of being honest, I am sabotaging it before they break my heart... I am doing things that will potentially ruin any chances, all done to try to protect my heart from being broken. I have only had one man in my life that shattered my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. Somehow after many years and I do mean many... I have come out on the other side and survived that very painful loss but now I have strong feelings for someone that I probably shouldn't... it is scary beyond belief and somehow I can't help it. What is is like is almost like watching a train wreck in slow motion, I don't know what it is inside me that makes me not believe that I am worthy of the love that I crave so much.

This is the most honest that I have been with myself for a very long time... it took a friend stating the obvious and me denying it irrationally... for me to really see what I truly felt. Does it make it any less scary?  No... the fear is still there but I don't want the fear to control me and own me. I want to be stronger than the fear and take the chance and say why not... I really deserve the best and to have someone that wonderful in my life.

If I want what I am afraid to believe is possible... I will never attain it but if I believe that I am worthy of this person and show the confidence than I will have that in my life. The answer to the question is that I have to believe that anything is possible with hope and love.

Figuring out why?

The past few days I have been wondering why we do the things we do when we know the things we know. I sometimes feel like it is just too hard to do what we know and we choose the easier path even though in the long run it will be more difficult for us.

For me, I feel like I have tried the road that I know is right but it leaves me feeling so incomplete. I feel like I am just existing and never truly happy. I don't think that is the way that I am supposed to feel but that is truthfully what is in my heart. So, I see myself making choices in my life that I would be freaking out if my children made. Yet, I continue doing these things because they give instant gratification. I see short term results that make me happy, yet I know deep down that long term, it will not be good.

Being on that long term road, rarely brought any joy though, I was always waiting for something good to happen, something that would make me feel like it was worth it. So, now I sit here and I wonder what is really the correct choice in my life.

I know what some people think, I have heard it all... but don't we ultimately have to make the decision for ourselves. If I am to believe all that I have been taught throughout my life, I am the one that is responsible for my future and I will be the one that handles the outcome or fall out.

It is funny, as when I was younger... I really thought things were one way or the other, I no longer believe this, I really think there are so many things that can actually be different for each person. I am not saying that there are not basic things we need to be doing but I just don't think there is a line in the middle that has do this on one side and don't do this on the other.

I think life is constantly about figuring out what is right for us at that time in our lives.. who knows the real answers for sure, as long as we are good and decent people who love our family and friends and where we always attempt to try our best and if we are truly happy with our decisions... maybe that's all we can ask!

Being My Honest Self

I love how people say that they want your honest opinion but when you give it you find out that really all they wanted was for you to follow what they believe. So, I have decided that in certain places I won't share my opinion, which unfortunately makes me fake when I don't want to be. I like people to be open and honest with me, it doesn't always mean that I will follow what they say but I like when people are who they really are. In saying all this, I don't believe in being hurtful honest, I am not out to hurt people, I just want to be truthful and authentic. If we cannot be ourselves, where does this leave us?

Gosh, I have missed blogging, I have allowed other things to get in the way, this is my only really creative outlet and I have been squashing it by not doing it. My oldest daughter fixed my blog up so pretty and re-did my Vision Board. It is exactly what I wanted, my old vision board needed an update as I had actually accomplished many of the goals on it. I also wanted this one to be more like the cork board effect. My daughter is so creative, actually both of them are very creative, I am very blessed to have two wonderful daughters.

I have allowed so many things to get in the way of what I want, now I am going to get focused and blog regularly, exercise as much as possible. follow the secret and work on training my mind to know that I already have everything I want and I will have whatever it is that I desire;)


Back to the gym

I had a week off from the gym, first my youngest was feeling well and then I wasn't feeling well and then I was lazy... really the last part was not an excuse, just my being honest. Well, I finally made it back today and although it was tough, I am glad I did it, I did a lot of weights and it felt good. So back tomorrow and now the hard work begins but then from the hard work will come  great results. I am looking forward to it again. 

Back into training again tomorrow... as if I understand all the other training I have learned in the past month, yeah no... I can tell you right now, I am NOT looking forward to assisting customers when I have no clue what I am doing. I KNOW that one day I will but until that day arrives... I will just be muddling through. Oh well, it's the only way to grow and progress, being thrown to the wolves that is... lol

Next thing, I nearly had a melt down at the bus depot today, I went to get on the bus and I could not find my bus pass, not only that, it was in a case that had $90.00 and my bank card as well. I freaked and searched everywhere, just when I thought I would have to go back to work, I remembered putting it in my bra... yes my bra, when I have no pockets I always put things in my bra... lol.   I had forgot. Leave it to me to do the silliest things possible. I am forever making a joke of myself, I don't think I do this on purpose.. I really don't want to be this silly, yet I keep doing things that give people a great laugh. 

Anyhow, I am working on some ideas and plans... nothing that is concrete right now but I know some things are going to change in the near future. If they go the way I want them to go, then yipee... if not then I have to accept that as well.

Trying to understand some people

I guess I will NEVER understand some people, what in the world do they possibly gain from hurting other people? I have been wondering this and talking to some of my friends about this and they have all made me come to the conclusion as follows: I am never going to be able to understand this because I don't think that way, I don't think about trying to hurt other people, I always want the best for people, I want everyone to be happy and to have what they need. I don't want to put people down or in a place that is less than what they want. 

I am so into honesty, I beg for this from people... yet they think that I don't want this and they lie. Believe me, lying is the worst thing you can do for a person, if you were just up front and honest we could all move on, why would you not want to move on... you have no answer???

This past week I have felt like I was in high school again, where I was the weird unpopular girl when really I am the friendly, outgoing and honest girl. I am about all about being gentle and being loving, it's all I have ever wanted... and yet it eludes me. 

I am grateful that I know deep down inside that I am a good person and I deserve good things and most of all good things are happening to me now and in the future. It cannot be denied me, if this is what I give out, this is what I will have in return. This has been a tough week but one that I have needed to grow, those are the hardest but in the end the most rewarding. There are great things around the corner, I just have to keep focused... I will attain all that I desire and who I desire.

Trusting myself to make the right decision

This week went by quickly but it was so jam packed that my mind was overwhelmed with everything that went on.

I had a rough week at the gym, not because I didn't want to go, I got out of the routine. So, back to the routine next week with no excuses.... I can't wait. It made me feel so wonderful putting so much energy into helping myself to be better, stronger and have more energy.

I have also had some difficult thought provoking questions to handle this week as well, hmmmm.... just not sure where to go with some of the questions, both of them could be huge changes... one involves trusting myself. Do I really trust myself to make the right decision? I honestly want to believe that I have changed for the best and that I have learned to trust my decision making abilities. Just because I have not always made the right decision in the past does not mean that I cannot make better ones in the future.

Why do I doubt myself because of what other people say? I need to jump in with both feet and give myself the chance to really be fully happy. I have that opportunity.... I am going to go for it. Really what is the worst thing, I could be disappointed, so what? If I don't take the opportunity, I really believe I will be more than disappointed, I will be stopping myself from progressing. Progressing is the only true way to be happy. Staying in one spot keeps you back.

So next week is all about me getting to the gym, being a better mother and giving myself the opportunity to have an all consuming happiness. I am looking forward to this week, my heart is racing at what can be, I haven't been this excited for a very long time. So long, I almost forgot the feeling, it's back now;)

Changing our thoughts

I just read this quote and I am a quote fanatic for anyone that really knows me;) It went like this 'You are the author of your life, choosing how to believe, live and love.' Most people don't want to believe the truth because if they did, they would realize that they wasted a lot of their life being victims. I wasted some time.. but I no longer beat myself up over that, I have moved on and I know that I am lucky and blessed that I know that all I had to do was change my thoughts. I had a horrible day on Friday and I could have let it own me but I turned it around and I ended up having a fantastic weekend. 

I have seen this concept change my life easily, there are times that I think, I can't get passed something in my life, be it a thought, a vice... whatever, but when I truly decide in my head to make the change, it is almost instantaneous, which makes me laugh sometimes, that it took me so long to make the right decision for me. 

Lately though, I have found that when I am having a bad day that I am able to turn it around faster because I keep this thought in my head at all times. My thoughts are creating my circumstances and I alone can change those thoughts, We all can, when we really believe. 

I know there are circumstances that happen in our lives that are out of our control but how we choose to react to them is what sets us apart. I choose to always look for the good, I am the eternal optimist, it is so much better than being a pessimst. You get exactly what you expect.

That is why I expect to be with the love of my life, for I know that what I believe is what I will have. It may not be tomorrow but it will be, Some things are just meant to be and this is one of them. 



One month

It has been a little over one month of me exercising regularly, atleast 4 to 5 times a week. Have I seen a huge difference, not yet but I will not allow that to discourage me, I know that my body is trying to hold on... why I will never know... lol.  However; I do feel better and stronger, all this exercise gives me energy and helps me to be more positive. I start out at the gym each night and think, oh no... can I do this but I continue to persevere and I feel so great when my workout is done. It actually makes me want to continue each day.

I have been working out on the elliptical, I do a full 20 minutes and I have my speed anywhere from 3.9 to 4.6, so much better than 10 minutes at 3.2 to 3.5. Then I work out on the treadmill for at least 10 minutes with a 3.0 incline and 3.3 to 3.5 speed, I started out without an incline and my speed was only 2.5. I can feel myself becoming stronger, so I know that if I continue to make this a daily workout that my body will have no choice but to give in and get healthy. 

I am grateful that my youngest daughter Valentina wanted a sucker that day in the grocery store and thankful that my sitter Cindy was motivated to want to join the gym with me. Even though we don't workout together all the time, it has been wonderful having each other to talk to when there are days that we have or will inevitably hit a wall. 

I also know this will help Valentina as if she sees me exercising regularly that she will want to have this in her life as well. She has so much energy and she just needs to harness it as it is a bit wild right now. 

I am listening to one of my favorite songs 'When She Danced'  - Can you go back in time to a place in your mind, to the one who knew a part of you, that you just couldn't find. If you ask me to choose between a memory or two, when it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose. 

I will always choose the love I had to lose as it was the best and most intense love, I never want the watered down version and nothing can compare to what I had, maybe that is why I can never give up on my dream for the future. That feeling keeps me wanting the best for myself. 

Well off to another day of work and then another workout;)

Accomplishing small things

I was finally able to get some housework accomplished. It has been a long time since I actually took any time to make my home feel comfortable. I actually cleaned out my fridge, which was empty once I removed everything dated, wow... then cleaned out the freezer that had two inches of blueberry ice that had to be removed, unbelievable. After which I was able to scrape up the energy to scrub my kitchen floor with a scrub brush, can I say amazingly clean. I have lots more to do but I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is awful when you are sitting in chaos is your house and life, no amount of positive thinking can make you feel your best until you actually unclutter and clean your home.

I took one day off from the gym yesterday, just so that I could clean my house but I was back at it again tonight and wow, did I ever feel the burn, I wish I could go tomorrow but no child care... so, I am definitely going on Friday and Saturday and putting a lot more effort into it. I really don't like missing a day but I refuse to give up. I have so many goals and I will accomplish each and every one of them, one by one. No one ever arrived at their destination by giving up... I plan to make it to my destination and then travel that road with someone in particular.

So, it is back to work tomorrow, I have lots to do but I am sure I will do fine, I am tenacious and I never give in. What I don't get immediately, I find a way to understand it and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I just breathe and everything always ends up working out the way it should;)

The Right Decision

I've had to make some hard decisions this week. not life changing but difficult ones. Everyone who knows me, knows what my one main desire in life is... I have been working towards that goal for the past couple of years.

For right now, in this moment... I am letting that goal go. For the long term it is still what I want but I have come to realize that if I had that goal in my life right now... it wouldn't work. So many things have to change for it to work right now. As hard as it is to give up on a dream in the here and now and it is difficult. I know that ultimately I will attain the main goal that I want more than anything.

I just have to move on with my life with all my other little goals and trust that when the time is right that it will all lead to the my one hearts desire. I just knew that if I kept pushing for it in the here and now that I would I have it but would it really last? Do I really want it before I am ready to have it? The answer is no, I want it when I am supposed to have it and when it will truly last! For I will never truly be happy until I have it for a certainty and not just for a short time.

I am going to relax, enjoy myself and prepare myself for what will come.


Attitude is what will get you to where you want to be. If you have an attitude of gratitude you will go far in this world, since gratitude will always remind you where you have been and where you are going. Without gratitude you will never realize all you dreams, goals and desires.

I have not always had the proper attitude, I have had a self defeating one that has owned me and controlled me. One that has stunted me, kept me from what I wanted. I no longer have that way of thinking any longer, I have the thought that if there is something that you really want and you act as if you already have it, you will have it, it cannot be denied you. However; first, I had to start with having gratitude and I keep that continually close to me.

I am so grateful for all the blessings I have had come into my life, some of those blessings ended up coming from some of the hardest challenges I have had to overcome. When I think of my oldest daughter, I was 18 years old (a baby myself) I had to grow up and raise her at the same time, I really did a pretty good job. She is an amazing, strong woman, I love her so much. I know that sometimes she doesn't realize how wonderful I know that she is, I know I pushed her a lot when she was younger. I just didn't want her to fall into the same traps that I did, I wanted her to be her own woman and have her own mind. She did and she does!

My youngest has other challenges she has to deal with, I love that she is so head strong and creative. She is giving, kind and loving. I want her to keep this attitude with her as I never want her to be a follower, looking for acceptance. I want her to shine her own light and lead.

I have not always chosen the easiest path in life, I have taken some curvy paths that have been difficult but when I think about it, I honestly wouldn't change any of those challenges. I would not be where I am today (which is exactly where I am supposed to be) but I also know where my future is headed and with who. I will never give up on what I know is right or with who I am supposed to be with. One day, he will know it too... I actually think he already knows it, he just hasn't accepted it yet. Change is hard but oh, it is so worth it! I have come to love change for it is leading me in the direction where I have always known that I am supposed to be.

My Vision Board

My vision board involves everything I will have. When I look at it (which I do very often as it on my home computer, work computer and my Blackberry) I see all the progress I have made with it. I have things on it that I have already received into my life and others that I am currently working on having. I truly believe that if you ask and then believe you will receive, the universe is set up to give you what you truly desire. I have one main desire on my board, something that many people think I can never attain, I am hear to say that, that one goal is one that I am going to have, all the other little goals are working up to the main goal.

I have new desires and goals, a new house, a car (my lime green bug), my trip.. I am having all of these added. Some people think you should only concentrate on a few things at a time, I say why... the universe is not limiting anyone of us to a few things. The universe is there to give us everything we believe we will have. For this reason, I know I will have my main hearts desire.

I added my vision board here on my blog because the more I have my board out in the universe, the quicker I will attain each goal. I am so happy knowing that I have everything I need and that whatever I want is there for me to ask for.

I am so grateful for my positive attitude and for the many fantastic blessings I have in my life. I have been blessed beyond belief within my life. My absolute favorite quote has been and still in "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right". That is the Secret in a nutshell, if you don't believe it, it will never happen. I for one believe with my whole heart, that is why so many goals I have made, have materialized so quickly.

Butterflies and love

I have been posed a question tonight, should I just give up looking for love that gives me butterflies and flip flops? I know who gives me that but is that enough to sustain a relationship, has it ever really worked out for me when I felt the butterflies that made me forget everything around me?

Is it better to go with something solid, something built on friendship? I just don't think that is enough to sustain a relationship. I want the romance, I need the romance, I don't want to settle for second best just to have someone in my life. I almost think it is better to be alone than to settle for less than what I want.

The funny thing is that is what everyone has told me all along, so tonight when a good friend that I care for as a friend posed the question that maybe if we just hung out and dated, maybe I would change my mind about them in the future, down the road.

I realize though that if it isn't there to begin with, it won't be there in the future. I also know that just the butterflies alone are not enough, I need a mixture of both of them. I am not going to settle... I want the whole package, I deserve the whole package... I am worth it and one day he will know that I am worth it too.

A new passion

I am really enjoying exercising, once I start I want to keep working out. I am not pushing it yet, I want to build up. I am afraid that if I push too hard too fast that I will give up, so I am taking it slow and working up to actually exercising for an hour per day at least 4-5 days per week.

I am more centered in my life than I have been for a very long time, now that I have a new goal. I love having goals, I get to focus on those things that will make me better and stronger. I cannot wait to have a full picture taken once I get to a desired weight. I should be ready in 6-8 months at this rate.

Next on the list is learning to drive and learning to speak another language, because I want to know what is being said to me when I go to Europe. I also want a car but that will all come with time, I am living in abundance, I have everything I need and I will have what I want!

I never truly give up on what I want, sometimes it sounds like I am sure I cannot handle another disappointment, that is when I have become stronger, challenges seem to do that for you. It's so hard to see when you are in the middle of it but wonderful when you finally realize how lucky you are to survive. I am truly blessed and very happy.

Ten things I like about myself and ten goals♥ღ♥ღ♥

10 things I like about myself

1) I am kind
2) I am tenacious
3) I like my hair
4) I am a great listener
5) I am friendly
6) I am respectful
7) I am reliable
8) I am trustworthy
9) I am loyal
10) I have great nails.

10 goals I have for myself

1) I want to marry the person I love
2) I want to learn how to drive
3) I want to travel to Europe
4) I want to progress in ADP and take all my CPA courses
5) I want to live healthy
6) I want to be in control of my life
7) I want to buy a car
8) I want to exercise
9) I want to learn another language at least conversational
10) I want to live in abundance

I challenge everyone to make a list of the ten things that they like about themselves and their ten goals. It can really help you get on track, I have been working on many of these bit by bit. It may take time but I will have each one of these goals~!~

Exercising~No more excuses!!

I have FINALLY stopped making excuses and I have joined a gym, woo hoo. I have been wanting to do this for years but I have always had one excuse or another not to do it. No more excuses, I have even set up the child care, I am thrilled to actually get to this point. I am going in the right direction now, just another step on my way to being where I want to be and having who I want to have in my life. I only want the quality person who deserves me and I will have him, it is just all a matter of time;)

I have committed to go to exercise class for at least 3-4 times per week until I reach the goal that I want and than maintaining that goal I will go at least 2-3 times per week. I am doing this mainly for myself, I want to get healthy and in shape... then I want to show every single person how wrong they were about me by not giving me an opportunity, I will then have the total package;)

The next thing I am looking into is learning the language I want to speak before I head off to the European country I want to visit. Things are getting exciting, I am finally out of debt, so now I can start saving for my trip. I want to save at least 150.00 per month, so that will be 3600.00 in 2 years, I think that should be a good amount to go away for my trip.

Off to bed, see if I can sleep in this nasty heat, I am hoping it cools down just a bit. I like nice weather, I despise when the humidity is this high though. It is nearly unbearable to sleep!

Vices and getting control

Well, today I am going to be assessed for an exercise program, I am excited. I can finally start losing the weight and toning up, this might help my mood and self esteem. Having all this extra weight certainly does not help me have the positive attitude I desire, it is hard to stay centered with it. I feel like I am finally going to do something about it, I am going to put all my effort into this to succeed, another vice gone. I have finally been working on my vices one by one, as I get rid of one and maintain for a while, I start working on a new one. Each time I get rid of one, it feels so good.

Also, I want Valentina to grow up healthy and if I am living properly, she will have a good role model to follow. If I am exercising more, this will help her to want to exercise more and eat better as that will be the type of food I have for both of us to eat. I don't know why I have held on to the weight for as long as I have, it must have served some sort of purpose or I would have lost it and maintained the loss.

I know this change I am making is not going to be easy and it is one that will be a lifetime of work but I know that it will be worth it. I have been talking about how to fit exercise into my life and I am finally going to stop talking about it and start doing it.

Bad relationships is one of my vices that I need to get rid of, it doesn't help me to have people attracted to me that I am not the least bit attracted to. I think with the weight loss and toning up, I will be able to attract the type of man I am looking for, this might take me six months to a year but it is a goal I am looking forward to attaining. It will be worth it to attract quality people in my life.

Well, I am going to try to get a little sleep, the humidity has been insane lately. I don't mind heat but this has gone beyond what most people can handle. It would be fine if I had a car to go to the beach or lake but when you are at the mercy of buses it is not so easy. I have been trying not to complain since I despise the winter months that seem to last forever, however; this weather has been TOO much.

Self Esteem

Why does it seem that our self esteem always ends up being wrapped up in what other people think of us. I really thought I had become more advanced that way, I wanted to believe that it didn't matter what someone said about us or felt about us. Instead I find that I internalize it more than I used to, why do I allow that?

I had worked so hard to get past what my step mother told me over and over while I was growing up, I actually thought I had come to terms with that but then I just substituted that with Andrey. He demeaned me beyond belief, he made me believe that no one would ever love or want me again. I tried so hard not to believe him, I mean he is crazy! Then I lost my best friend, somebody I have known for years, that cemented it for me.

I thought why not date, yeah, not a good idea. With every rejection and there were many, it just deepened my belief that Andrey was right after all. I mean, he can't be that wrong when I cannot even maintain a friendship with someone I have been friends with well over 20 years. If this man, who has known me and loved me cannot be friends with me, how in the world can I ever have a relationship with someone else.

I understand that rejection is a part of dating, however; non stop rejection, I don't think so. I just don't think I am emotionally capable of handling this anymore. Most of me just wishes that people could be truthful and say it like it is, instead of just ignoring someone. I never just ignore someone, I am always honest, it is hard but it is only fair.

I just want to get myself back and in a good place. Otherwise, I will never be happy. I really do want to be happy and whole and loved. It's all I ever wanted, I never wished for riches, I wished for love... even when I was a little girl, making a wish in a water fountain or on a star... all the silly places you wish. I have only truly felt loved by one person in my life and that didn't last.

Family and Friends

I am very lucky that I have sisters who are so diverse, there is always one that I can talk with depending on my mood and what I want to hear. If I want the truth, no matter how much it hurts, I call my sister Shelly, if I want someone who will understand what I am going through and empathize with me I call Lisa. When I want to feel unconditional love with absolutely no judgment I call Darlene. We all need these different personalities in our lives. Too much of one can be difficult to handle, we need a little of each one these.

I adore my friends, I know that when I have an issue that I need to bounce ideas off that I can call anyone of them and find many solutions that I can then make an informed decision. I have some really great friends in my life, however; I am missing one type of friend that I have not been able to replace. I say type as I thought I had a friend like this for so many years, only to find out that she was never truly a friend.

I used to have the 'friend' that I hung out with regularly, went to movies, played games, went to dinner and went shopping with. We were a huge part of each others lives but the reality was that she really wasn't my friend, that was an extremely difficult time in my life to find out that someone that I thought of as a friend for well over 20 years was actually a fraud. She ended up hurting me more than I thought possible, maybe that is why I don't have a friend like that any longer, it hurt too much to find out it was never real.

I do miss my best friend the most though, the one that knew all my secrets and kept them, the one I could call up after years of being absent from each others lives and tell them whatever and pick up where we had left off. Now they don't talk to me and I don't know why. I have reached out over and over and they never answer. You think I would give up on this friend but I just can't, I hold out hope because I have never loved anyone more than I have loved them. They mean more to me than I can convey to anyone. Everyone tells me to move on, they don't understand the depth of feelings that I have for this person, if they did, they would never ask me to give up. With this person, I could be and was my authentic self, there are few people that we meet in our lives that we can be this real with and not be judged.

I have been blessed to have the friends that I have, I know so many people who only have a friend or two in their whole lives. I have a wide variety, sure there are ones that I consider best friends but I honestly have many good friends that I can always count on.

A judge of character

As each day goes by I find out more and more that I am a terrible judge of character. I think that I really know someone and I find out that I knew nothing about them. I have not always been that bad about people, I used to have a much better intuition before I met my ex-husband. However, since him and all the lovely things he said to tear my character down, I have made one bad judgment call after another. Now I don't know what or who to believe.

I guess I should just be alone, as sad as that will be... it's the only guarantee that I won't be duped again. I have always had a big heart and believed that love was there for anyone who really believed. Now I just don't know anymore. People are such liars and so good at it and I don't know why they would want to be? Don't we all ultimately want to be loved and cherished? It's what I've wanted all my life.

I'm taking a break for awhile and the next time I decide I might like to date, I am going to rethink it before I do it.

I am sad and disappointed that I will be alone, I never wanted this to be what happened!

Having gratitude

I have been feeling so down and so unloved lately. I need to return to having gratitude for what I have in my life and not dwell on what I don't have. If I keep focusing on what I don't have, I am sure it will consume me and my life is already out of control.

I am grateful and I feel blessed that I have two beautiful daughters that I love with my whole heart.

I am grateful for all my friends, they are always there to make me feel good and to laugh. They may have their opinions but they understand I have to do things my way even if they don't feel it is right. Then if it doesn't turn out, they are still there to give me a shoulder to cry on.

I am grateful for my job, especially in these economic times when people are losing theirs. I feel somewhat safe, I know that as long as I give my best efforts, things should work out for me.

I am grateful that when I have had hard times in the past that I always seemed to be able to weather any storm. I am hoping that the tenacity I have had in the past will help me to get through this very emotional and sad time in my life.

I am grateful that I have had dreams to aspire to, even if they didn't always work out for me, without dreams, there is nothing to work towards. This has been an extremely rough week, every dream I have had has been dashed, it is so hard to keep going when everything I have worked toward is not possible. Now I have to try to come up with another dream, just what it is that I want, I am not sure yet.

I never learn!

You think that I would have learned by now, apparently not! I must enjoy getting hurt over and over, otherwise why would I continue to believe that things can get better? When has it actually got better and stayed that way for longer then a day? Every time I think I might actually have the opportunity to have what I have always wanted in my life, it blows up in my face. Note to self: stop allowing myself to believe that there is a possibility that I could actually be happy. It doesn't matter how many positive and uplifting thoughts I think and make myself believe, reality steps in and rears it's ugly head. I don't want to get my hopes up again, every time I do, the fall is harder and honestly I don't think I am emotionally capable of handling the falls anymore.

I guess sleep didn't help me out of this rut I am in, I had hoped it was as simple as that:( Unfortunately I need a miracle to help me out of this one.

I feel like I have lost my mind! Oh that's right, I would have had to have a mind to lose. I think I actually just figured out I never had one to begin with:(

I need to snap out of this, I need to move on, I just don't know how?

What is the answer?

I am so far removed from what I want, it's like I just gave up. That is not me, I never give up ever. I am beginning to lose hope and when that is gone, what is left? What is the answer? Am I becoming jaded, is every nasty horrible thing that has ever been told to me just really the truth? I never wanted to believe it, I just thought it was other peoples issues, not mine. I try to be so honest, so open, so truthful and it always, always comes back to hurt me. I never learn, I keep up with the Pollyana attitude and keep believing that I will finally have what I have always wanted. Lately though, it has become increasingly more painful to keep myself so open. The pain it causes it way more difficult to deal with, it almost doesn't seem worth the reward.

Maybe I wasn't actually meant to be loved and cherished like I have always dreamed. If I was, wouldn't I have it by now? A small part of me wants to keep believing but it gets smaller and smaller each day. Pretty soon it will be gone, then I will be completely alone and totally sad. Won't that be fun?

Maybe all I need is some sleep, maybe then I can figure out what the answer is?

Remembering a good friend

It has been seven years today when I found out that my best friend Heather had died in a car crash when she was on the way to spend the weekend with her parents. The pain was unbearable, we had become so close over the year before she had died. She was the only one who understood what I was going through being married to Andrey as she was married to a Russian as well. We talked the night before she was to leave, had I known that, that was it... I wonder if I would have told her how important she wast to me? I took that loss harder than almost anything else in my life.

I had dealt with death with losing my grandmother in 1995, that was devastating but this was somehow harder, Heather was younger... her life ahead of her and it was SO sudden. I think of her often and how she put up with all my craziness and was still one of my best friends.

She never judged me when others were quick to tell me how to live my life, she just listened and she was always there when I realized the mistakes I had made, she never gave up on me. I was lucky and blessed to have her in my life.

She lived her life with truth and honesty. Deep down I admired her, she lived by her word, there was nothing fake about her. If you knew Heather, you knew her. She might have been sarcastic but it was never meant to hurt people, only to be funny. I can't believe it has been seven years since I have spoken to my friend and yet it feels like yesterday.


Why do we have to be afraid to say what we feel and desire? Especially if it is with someone who knows us almost as well as we know ourselves? There are very few people that you meet in your life that you let into your soul and mind, mainly because we are all afraid of having that trust destroyed, with me it isn't even that anymore, it is the fear that I would never hear from or speak with them again. I know that I still trust them with my inner most secrets as they have never told another person.

This week, I am going to start exercising... I finally want to get myself into shape and for good. Since I want to take a trip to Europe, I want to be in shape to enjoy it. I don't plan to go to the big cities, I want to go to the countrysides (yes me, go to the country sides, I know... hard to believe) but this is where the real people live, the ones you find out what the country is really like. Not the cities which can have such superficial people. I just wish I had listened better years ago, so I would know exactly where I want to go when I get there.

When the time comes closer to me going, I will find out the best places to go. I think I will shock a lot of people by first learning a language enough to get by and second, actually going on a trip to Europe by myself. I might not have to go by myself... but I will if I have to. I am not going to miss out on seeing this country, I AM going, even if I have to go by myself;)

After this trip, the sky is the limit. I want to take a trip every 3 or 4 years. I have been so closed minded most of my life, always wanting to stay in Canada. Now I can hardly wait to see the world, I am becoming so excited about the possibilities. I hope both my girls take the opportunity to go outside their little worlds and travel.


I think it is imperative that we all have goals, short term ones and long term ones. I have many goals, all pretty well aimed at one huge goal. I have already started to accomplish some of the smaller goals. It makes me feel good, knowing it is pushing me in the direction I want to go.

I used to think that I would never be able to learn another language but now, I know that I can and I will. Since I want to take a trip to Europe in a few years, I certainly want to know enough of the language before I go, so that I can speak to people there. It's kind of exciting to plan this trip, I am hoping to go for at least 10-14 days. There is a ton of research for me to do and saving money of course;)

I just needed to believe that anything is possible and it is, anything and everything. I know that when I ask and believe, then I will receive. It cannot be denied, no matter what it is, it will be mine.

Next week, I am starting the exercise part. I have a plan and someone to walk with until I get comfortable with exercising again, then I can do more each day. I am going to build myself up, so that I can actually do a small run. I would love to be able to do a long distance run someday but for now I will take a short one like a 5K. I am almost giddy with excitement because I know that I am getting closer to my ultimate goal one step at a time. There is nothing anyone can do to dampen my spirits. Many people try but I am not letting them decide for me any longer, which is another goal of mine. I want to make all my own decisions and I don't really even want the comments.;)

I will just take each day as it comes and be blessed for that and all that I have, I live in abundance (one of my goals).

Being tenacious

I am a very tenacious person, when someone tells me I cannot do something, I find a way and I show them I can. When I put my mind to something, I give it my all. If I know something is right in my heart, I never give up. If one thing does not work for me to accomplish or gain my goals, I try other things until I find something that works.

I may look and feel like I am defeated but in my heart, I am just planning another way to get around the first failure. Long term failure is NOT an option, not to say things don't go wrong but that doesn't mean I let them ruin my goals.

It always surprises me when other people give in so easily. I remember when my oldest daughter was in grade 9 and the principal told her and three of her friends that not one of them would amount to anything, in fact he thought they would all end up pregnant and on welfare. Thankfully he was wrong on all accounts, especially about my daughter. But, when this was told to her, my daughter skipped so many high school classes and then finally dropped out of high school. If this had been me, I would have went to school every day, been early, completed every assignment and passed with flying colors, just so I could go back to that principal and wave my diploma in in face and say you were WRONG about me. That is just the kind of person I am, I would have dug right in and given it my all.

I think this is why I have such a difficult time giving up one of my main goals, something keeps drawing me back, no matter how hard I try to move on. I am just meant to have that goal no matter what anyone thinks. I know the truth.... one day. everyone will know
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Life is throwing curves left right and center, I feel like there are doubts in my mind because I am so close to attaining what I have always wanted and known. I feel like if I abandon my inner most desire that I will lose what I waited for all my life.

I have my daughter feeling like I resented her when she was growing up, I didn't resent her, I resented the choices I made. I think the world of her, she is doing everything right, she is married to a wonderful man that she loves and he loves her, she has a great job doing what she wants to do, they have a house. She is living the dream that I had for myself, she did things the right way. I am so glad she didn't make the choices I made, yet she feels as if I resent her???

I have my friend that no matter how many times I reach out to be friends, keeps ignoring me, what resentment do they hold against me that they cannot even say 'hi'? Wow, am I that terrible that I don't even rate a hi? I never thought so but when you have been friends with someone well over 20 years and shared secrets that you told no one else, then what am I to think, why is there resentment on their part?

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that two people that I love so deeply in this world can dislike me so much as to ignore me when I am hurting beyond belief. I would never want to hurt anyone that much, especially the people that I love.

I know I have to get past this issue and realize that it isn't mine, it's just so hard as I don't want to lose these people out of my life. I feel like there would be an empty hole in my heart that no one could ever fill.

Why do we under value ourselves?

I have been posed the question of why I don't feel worthy enough to be loved? I have been thinking of nothing else, why? What is it that makes me feel this way? As successful as I have become in other parts of my life, relationships are still a mystery. I want to believe that I deserve the best but something stops me. I can't figure out what it is, it makes me cry whatever it is. I know that I want someone to love me passionately and totally, I want to love someone passionately and totally. I want to be free and feel butterflies, why am I afraid to believe that I deserve the best?

I know that until I figure that out, I can never have a successful relationship. Is this why I hold on to the past, even when the past refuses to hold on to me. Is it me that makes me unlovable?

I have been trying to figure out what it is about me that attracts losers, users and jerks? This cannot be what I truly want for myself, it must be what I think I deserve as the universe and God certainly don't want this for me.

I have decided to work on my outside and hopefully I will take the same opportunity to work on my insides as well. I cannot be fully happy without both...

I certainly need to be kinder to myself, I never realized how much I didn't really like myself until today. I have been putting all this crap out to the universe and I have been accepting it, only a person who doesn't love themselves would do this. It definitely is time for a change!

My wonderful birthday

I had a fantastic birthday, many people remembered and gave me great wishes. The one I wanted to, didn't happen today but like the movie "A Miracle On 42nd Street", I believe, I believe, I believe... I know what is meant to be, this is why I cannot give up. When I think about it.... it just leaves me empty.

My youngest daughter baked me a cake with a little help from my sitter. She did an amazing job decorating it with hearts and she made me a beautiful card with flowers. I also had a me day, I had my eyebrows waxed (instant eye lift) and I had my hair cut and colored (it feels so amazing now).

What I am thinking right now is creating my future, I am thinking about re-connecting with my friend. I know with time and patience it will all work out;)

My Birthday Wish

I have only one birthday wish this year and that is to re-connect with an old friend. This person means so much more to me than I can possibly convey in words. Not speaking with them for the last year and a half has been horrible and left such an empty hole in me. This person knows me better than most people have ever got to know me. I have shared more with them than I have ever shared with anyone, they have proven to be one of the best confidants I have ever met.

If you ever have the opportunity to have a friend like this in your life, don't ever let them go and do all that you can to keep them in your life. For someday if you wake up like I did and lose them out of your life, you will know how I feel. I have been incredibly sad and I have lived my life in a way that has not brought me happiness. Tonight I finally asked them for the only birthday wish I want and if it is given to me, I will treasure it for the rest of my life.


I have no idea why it is so hard for people to be honest about the way that they feel, what are they afraid of? I think ignoring someone or something doesn't make it easier, I believe being straight and completely honest is the only way to go. It might hurt someone for a short while but lying and ignoring someone is so much worse!

This past few months have made me think and re-think what it is that I really want. I haven't changed my ultimate outcome but I have a very different way of wanting to deal with it now. I really thought that the path that I was on was what would get me to the place where I wanted to be, clearly that didn't work!! So, I had to change it and think about it from a different angle, now to put that into the works. Change is the name of the game, giving up is never an option. The path might be different but the end result is what I am focusing on.

Although I have been frustrated in the past, relaxing and waiting for what I know will happen is sure to make it happen all the sooner. Listening to myself is what I need to do more of and listening to what other people want for me, is all going to be taken with a grain of salt. I am the only one that can ultimately make me happy, I know what is best for me, other people don't, they are just well meaning.

I am enjoying my vacation, I am going to relax and not let it fly by so quickly. I am heading downtown tomorrow with my youngest daughter, spending the day at the huge playground and the museum. Then I need to have some mama time, I have a few ideas.. Then my birthday this week, I really want to do something fun and I want to be able to connect with old friends.

Strength in hard times

Today was a tough day, it is taking all my strength to not let it own me and break me. I just will never understand all the adversity we have to go through, the good moments are great but are they really enough to sustain us through the rough times. I want to be strong and come out on the other side better for having survived hard times but I honestly want to know how many hard times do we have to have? It's not like I think that no one else has difficulties, I know we are going through this with different challenges. I particularly detest when someone tells me that we are not given more than we can handle, enough already. I love quotes and sayings but not that one, it just ticks me off beyond belief. Every time I think, there... I made it through that one... along comes a bigger adversity. Where is the justice in that? How about the rewards for getting through and not just surviving? I sound like the pessimist and really that is not me, I am the eternal optimist, I really believe that there are great things waiting for us after all this crap is over, it's just so hard to stay focused when you are going through the mess. A little break from the seemingly never ending downward slope would be great for me;)

I am blessed, I know this or I would not be where I am in my life and have the family and friends that I have but it always seems to exclude the love that I have always wanted. Whenever I think I should just give up and move on, I somehow get roped back in... I just don't want to end up like some women that I know that settle for being alone. I don't truly see them as happy, it's not that being alone is so bad, it's just that being with someone you love is SO much better;)

Gratitude for my daughters

I am grateful for my two beautiful daughters! I have been blessed with two girls, my oldest who is 27 years old and my youngest who is 6.

I was 18 years old when I had my oldest daughter and I raised her on my own, she is a kind, loving and strong willed woman. She knows what she wants and she goes after it. Sometimes, because she is so strong willed we end up having disagreements but we still love each other very much. I am extremely proud of her and all of her accomplishments, she married a wonderful man and has a great career$

I was 39 years old when I had my youngest daughter and I am now raising her on my own. She is sweet, soft hearted but she also has a mind of her own. When she wants something, whatever it is that she wants she doesn't give up until she has it.

It is and has been challenging raising daughters that are so strong willed but honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. I am thrilled that they are their own people. Neither one of them are followers, they are the leaders among their friends and they don't let people boss them around.

There are times that I think that things are not always so wonderful for me but I just have to stop and think how lucky and blessed I am to have had the opportunity to raise two fabulous daughters that challenge me and show me how to be stronger myself.


I am beyond frustrated, I cannot even explain it to myself. I just keep going in circles trying to find what I want. It seems like an endless merry-go-round that I can't get off, I keep thinking if I get off that I will miss out on getting what it is that I truly desire. The truth is that I KNOW what I want, I just haven't been able to make myself trust what I know. I want what everyone else wants, I desire love, romance and feeling special to the one person that causes me to have fireworks and butterflies. I keep trying to fill that empty spot with things and those things never get me to where I want to end up. I need to make a decision to either stick to a plan to get what I want or to just give up the dream and move on. My question is if I give up, will I be able to create another dream that makes me feel as wonderful?

About Me

I was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia on July 23, 1963. I have lived here the majority of my life, I love this city. It is the perfect size for me, I have always considered myself a small town city girl, I actually never thought that I would like to even travel to a large city. That changed last summer when I went to Toronto for six weeks of training for the job that I currently have. I fell in love with Toronto, not exactly where I would want to raise a child but I really enjoyed being there.

I come from an extremely large family, there were 9 girls in my family. My mother Ann who is from Salem Oregon, was married to Dale and had three daughters, Helen, Darlene and Cheryl. The marriage ended and my mother became pregnant with another girl that she adopted in Florida around 1960. My father Gary who was born in Queens County, Nova Scotia was quite the dreamer and when he was 17 years old set off on a trip across Canada, he ultimately wanted to end up in Hollywood to become a movie star ;) However, fate stepped in when he was traveling through Salem, Oregon and he met my mother when she was nearly 5 months pregnant with our sister that she would adopt out in Florida later.

My parents then had my sister Kimberly Albina on April 13, 1962 in Salem, Oregon. I was then born on July 23, 1963 in Halifax, Nova Scotia, then my sister Rochelle Lynn was born in Salem, Oregon on July 12, 1964. My parents then set out in a red VW bug to travel back to Halifax, Nova Scotia, they stopped over in Kelowna, BC to pick fruit to make money for the trip back home. On the morning of October 12, 1964 they left us with the babysitter Mary to go work in the fields. I was up with Mary when they left and she went to light the wood stove, at the same time I pulled a Coleman stove off the kitchen table that caused a large fire to start. I was standing directly in the fire, Mary walked through the fire to save me. My sister Kimberly was too afraid to go out and Mary was unable to get to her. The fire department was called but unfortunately they were unable to revive her from smoke inhalation. At first my other sister Rochelle had been pronounced dead at the scene but they were able to revive her. I was burned quite severely on my legs and back which was approximately 60% of my body(the fact that I had a wet diaper on saved me, the doctors were able to do skin grafs), the doctors held out little hope for me to survive. Once I did survive, they advised my mother that I would have patches of hair and that I would more than likely lose my feet, neither of those things happened, I have a full, thick head of hair and I never lost my feet. I spent many years of my young life having many operations, I consider myself extremely lucky to have survived when there was so little hope that I would. My parents then settled in Halifax, Nova Scotia and this was when my sister Lisa was born on March 24, 1966.

At this time, my father went to Ontario for work while my mother stayed in Halifax, my father then met up with another woman Ruth and eventually he and my mother separated. My sisters Rochelle and Lisa as well as myself ended up growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia with my father and Ruth. I was about 6 years old at this time and for the next 9 years I had no contact with my mother who had ended up having another daughter Krista Fawn in April 1970, my mother and Krista moved back to Oregon and I did not meet up with her again until I was 15 years old.

After almost 10 years, my father contacted my mother in Oregon and had her fly up to Halifax to meet us. My father had finally left my ex step mother Ruth and he and my mother decided to get back together, however; within 2 years they had split up again but by this time I was 17 years old and I was living in Halifax, Nova Scotia with my grandmother. My mother stayed in New York state, first in Niagara Falls, NY and then Silver Creek, NY. My father had met another woman Ilona in Binghamton, NY, he spent the next 25 years plus going back and forth between Nova Scotia and New York state.

More to come later....