The Path I Am Working Towards

 One day back to social networking and whoa I had forgot how time consuming it can be. I am going to have to be tough on myself and set some time aside for it. I have a CPA course I have to work on, I want to get ahead since I want to spend time talking with David when he gets home. That should be enough incentive.

I've been so touched by everyone who comments on my blog and they make me feel so special. I am grateful for the 30 days I had to devote to my blog without anything getting in the way. You all have made me feel so wonderful, I love all your blogs too. I am truly enjoying getting to know people from other countries.

I missed walking to the mall on Friday due to the down pour of rain. Today I wasn't organized since I spent too much time on social networking last night. So I'm going to get off the bus early and walk the 20 to 25 minutes to work; I need and want to keep up with this.

Every other song on my blackberry makes me think of David, I can barely wait to tell him all about my journey. He was the one who helped me to get back on the path I am on and I want him to know how incredibly grateful I am that he saw the best in me when I was sure that she was gone.

It's terrible how we can think so little of ourselves and how we refuse to see the good. I really believe that Heavenly Father put David on my path to direct me back to where I've always known I should be. I also think I'm really good for David too, we have each other to share our inner most secrets with, we make each other feel safe.

It's not easy to find that closeness in this world, it is so hard to trust another person for fear that they will use it against you when they are angry or disappointed in you. There's nothing and I mean nothing that could ever make me hurt David ever. I love him with my whole heart and soul and I always will.

I did the walk, it only took 15 minutes, I'm going to do that every day on top of the walk from my home to the mall. That's a good 30 minutes for 5 days per week and then I still want to exercise on Saturday with Valentina. This will be good for her as well.

I'm off to a good start and it's a short week for me as I have Wednesday off to go to the dentists. I plan to get a lot of my CPA course completed that day.

Have an amazing day everyone, life is wonderful.

My 30 Days Of Growth

 The past 30 days have been eye opening in many ways, many fabulous ways. I learned so much about myself; one, I'm even stronger than I thought I was; two, I was able to live without Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, MSN.  I missed them but I survived. Three, I found that I LOVE to eat healthy and I'm going to stick with it; four, I'm excited about the exercise I'm starting. Five, I miss David even more than I thought possible; the only way I made it through without him was that I had a running email where I wrote in it regularly to tell him what I was going through (I haven't sent it yet). It's a book now, lol.

I'm grateful and thankful that I took this 30 day challenge, I proved to myself that I could do it and be happy about it. I am thrilled with that, I didn't want to be complaining while I did it. I laughed, smiled, stayed positive, cried when it was appropriate. It was an awesome cleanse, one I'd do again in the future. The only thing though is I'm NOT giving up David ever again, that part was torture.

I figured out my purpose, I know what I should be doing, I'm working towards those goals. I believe in myself in a way I never did before; I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's bright. Everyday we are given on this earth is a gift, we need to remember that and share our talents and love with each other.

We need to learn to forgive, really forgive and grow to our best potential; it's the only way we can give the best of ourselves to the world. Holding on to the past will never let us live our future. We need to live in the present so that we can create our future. The blessings of love are there, ready for us to have if we but learn to love ourselves. Once we learn that, we are capable of anything.

I feel so creative because of the cleanse, I'm enjoying finding different food to eat, writing in my blog daily (a passion of mine), getting organized slowly (I'll get there). Finding my spirituality which is aiding in my growth. I cannot explain how easy it is to change your thought patterns in such a very short time, I did it. Yes I have lots of growing to do but I now believe it's all attainable.

Everyone is capable of this, we just need to love ourselves and know that we are worth it, I know I am!!!

Thankful For The Freedom To Be Me

 "Be thankful for what you have, you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never ever have enough." ~ Oprah Winfrey

I believe for us to truly progress in this life, we have to be extremely thankful for all that we have. Not that we can't hope, wish and dream for more. Because we can have all of our inner most desires, if we truly believe that we deserve them.

The issue is that most people are NOT happy with where they are and they look to the world and objects to complete them. I honestly feel we need to look within ourselves and to God/Universe. It's okay to want items, it just not great if that's what we need to validate who we are.

This took me many years to understand, I came to finally realize this when I was living with my ex and he was doing all he could to destroy me emotionally. All I wanted was to not live with him or for him to have any power over me, I could have cared less for possessions. When I became free, I treasured that feeling and I always will.

It's interesting how the freedom I finally attained by having my ex removed from my life is when I learned what true happiness was, it was never possessions, it was always freedom to be yourself and not be afraid.

This is a wonderful and amazing feeling, I imagine that there are people who have been imprisoned unfairly and when they are finally free, they treasure this above all else. I know I felt this as in a way I was in a prison of my own making. I allowed someone else to write my story and I believed them, I gave away my power.

I will never give my power away, that is what is so incredible and wonderful about David; he would never seek to make me feel less to make himself feel better. It's one of the reasons I love him so much; I had a huge crush on him when he was a boy but I love the man he has become with all my heart. I couldn't live and breathe and not love him.

The cleanse is almost over and I'm a little melancholy about it, I've actually loved some of the boundaries; mostly I love how I found the inner me. David showed me the path back to her and I took the journey. I feel so very blessed.

I know that it is me who followed the boundaries that were set out for me in the cleanse. I could have done whatever I wanted to do; who would have known? Me, I would have known. This is why I intend on keeping up with a lot of it to some degree, this cleanse has helped to center me and gave me the boost to start a journey on a path I know I'm meant to be on.

The Versatile Blog Award

Thank you to Suzanne Bean for giving me this award, this comes from an amazing blogger who inspires me with her poetry and art. 

Blogs that inspire me and why:

1* ~ ~ Susanna inspires me with her spirituality and uplifting blog and she is only sixteen.

2* ~ ~ Armando inspires me with all the beautiful pictures he puts on his blogs, he has caused me to want to travel to Europe even more.

3* ~ ~ Jaqueline writes such beautiful poetry, even though I have to translate it, I feel all the emotion behind the words.

4* ~ ~ Maria writes a blog that is so beautiful, thoughtful and inspiring.

5* ~ ~ I love how honest and open Joy is, she is so authentic and real.

6* ~ ~ WilyBCool writes uplifting posts with such beautiful pictures, it's really all about letting go of the past to live the life we are meant to in the future.

7* ~ ~ I love how honest Charlotte is about her feelings, I know it's difficult but I truly appreciate what she has to say and I look forward to reading her blog.

8* ~ ~ Maarit shares about her life in Finland and I want to visit now, she writes some really amazing blogs.

9* ~ ~ Martha can make me laugh or cry, whatever she writes she makes me feel.

10* ~ ~ Jenn inspires me with how she has written a book and actually had it published, she is funny and interesting.  I love to read her blog.

11* ~ ~ Renn is so inspiring with how she is dealing with cancer, I love to read every entry she writes.

12* ~ ~ Vicki, is so wonderful and she touches me with how she can feel what another person feels.

I have so many other blogs I love to read but these 12 stand out in my mind.  Of course I love Suzanne Beans blog she is the one who gave me this award and Petro's blog is wonderful too ~ Petro gave Suzanne the award first.


1*  I do NOT like camping, I would rather bungee jump off a bridge and I am afraid of heights.

2* I love colored handbags like orange, green or purple (I don't own a black purse).

3* I am able to make friends anytime, anywhere ~ I love getting to know people even if it is only for a bus ride or waiting in a doctors office.

4* I collect and adore positive and uplifting quotes and I post them or blog about them.

5* I have traveled to Florida, Oregon, New York, Ontario~I have lived in Niagra Falls when I was 16 but most of my life has been spent in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

6* I read the end of a novel before I read a book... I enjoy it much better knowing the outcome.

7* The Way We Were is my all time favorite movies, I have seen it at least 50 times and I even watched it in French.  I cry at the end of the movie every single time.

4 things to remember after receiving your award:

1* Thank the person who has nominated you * check
2* Pass on the award to 10-15 bloggers * check
3* State 7 random facts about yourself * check
4* Post the award pic on your wall * check

Attracting Your Own Reflection

 You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are. If you're friendly then everybody else seems to be friendly too."

Dr. David Hawkins

I am a quote fanatic for the people who don't know me personally;). Anything that is uplifting, thought provoking and resonates with me, I collect, save and use. There is more than enough to drag us down in this world, I work hard to counter act the negative events in life.

I am the type of person who always tries to see the positive in even the difficult times, that is the only way I'm truly happy. Otherwise I could let the weight of the world drag me down but I don't just want to be a survivor; I want to thrive and be my best.

I'm so thankful for all the blogs I follow, each one of them uplift me in ways most of you won't understand. I love the poetry, fashion, quotes, photos and the real ones where people are so honest about themselves. I believe in being authentic, if you can't be happy in this moment I understand, I just want them to know there is always an alternative around the corner if they choose.

I love following the big blogs with lots of followers because I want to have many people follow mine but I also love following blogs with only a few followers and commenting on what people have said.

I LOVE comments, so I know other people do as well, all we really want in this life is to be seen, heard, loved and to know that our thoughts count and matter. Although I love the comments, I'm getting past needing validation from my peers, I'm a work in progress. I look for validation within myself, from God and from the Universe.

There will be people who don't get my blogs and that's okay, I don't judge them, we all have our right to feel as we do. I'm just incredibly grateful for all the people I follow and who follow me, I have learned so much about all the different cultures around the world; AMAZING!!!

I walked to the mall again and was about 2 minutes short of catching the early bus, woo hoo. In no time I will be able to catch that one. I'm just happy that I didn't jump on the convenient bus at my door, I went past it and walked, YEAH

I hope everyone has a fabulous day, I know I will !!! Keep blogging everyone:).

My Dreams Are Real, My Doubts Are Not

 My dreams are real, my doubts are not.

I've been contemplating the above affirmation. This takes being real with yourself to really believe it, I want to be the girl who totally believes in all her dreams and shows all her doubts where they truly belong. The doubts aren't real, they are only the stories people have told me and at one time I believed them.

Those stories are not the truth, they were only what I held on to so that I wouldn't try and then fail. I no longer fear failure, that does not mean that I can't win because I plan never to give up no matter how many times I fail. I will succeed, I am strong, I am tenacious, I am a winner, I will reach my goals and desires.

My first goal is my weight, I want to lose 75 pounds in one year, I made this goal 2 weeks ago. I am down 5 pounds. So 70 pounds left to go in 50 weeks. Second goal is to incorporate exercise into my life, I'm going to start this morning with 15 minutes a day and within a month I want to be exercising 45 minutes or more per day. These two are totally attainable.

The third thing, I want blog daily. I have felt so inspired since mid February. I haven't missed very many days. I don't want to miss any more in the future. The fourth one is that I want to get my PCP completed in one year. I've started one of the courses, two more after this, all of this is very attainable.

I want to be loving and inspiring to all the people in my life, I want them to really know how special and wonderful they really are.

I started toward my second goal this morning, I walked to the mall this morning; it took 14 minutes, I only had to wait 4 minutes for my bus. I feel great even if I'm red faced and a bit sweaty, it'll get easier with time. This is going to help me attain my first goal, I'll post my weekly weight loss in my blog. I'm truly excited.

My third goal of posting daily is working out so far for the past 5 days. Now I want to have a certain time to post, I think it'll be at night after I settle Valentina in bed as I usually get my inspiration early in the morning on the way to work. Unfortunately I can't post from my blackberry or from my computer at work.

I want to thank everyone for the encouraging words, I truly appreciate them. They make me smile;). I hope everyone had an amazing day, I planned to and I did;).

Start Your Journey Where You Are

The journey begins where you are, not where you want to be! So be here now and embrace the present moment, and all it offers. ~ Charlene Proctor

I can only start where I'm at, if I continue to beat myself up because I am not where I actually want to end up right now, I won't progress. It's like the exercise I want to be doing, I know that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, instead of stagnating, I need to take the first step. Although it will only be a baby step, soon I'll be taking giant leaps.

Going forward, starting tomorrow morning I'm going to walk the 15 minutes to the bus stop by the mall unless it's pouring rain. Otherwise I have no real excuse, just being lazy and I don't want wake up in six months and wonder where the time went.

I've procrastinated for too many years, I have no one to blame but myself (although I don't like that word blame). It really is my choice, nothing is easy in the beginning, not if we want to accomplish great things. I want my outside to match my insides.

People in my life tell me what a change I've made in a short time, this can happen for all of us, we just need to decide to start where we are. I know that sounds hard but it's simpler than we know. Being on the cleanse for almost 30 days has proven to me that anything and I mean anything is possible.

If I can give up talking to my soul mate David for 30 days (actually 40 days because of his job) then I am truly capable of anything. It hasn't been easy, he centers me and helps me to always see the best in myself. I've had to do this for myself for the past 25 days and although difficult, I carry all his words in my heart that remind me how awesome I am.

I appreciate the wonderful comments from everyone. They have helped me through this hard time without David. Honestly being without him has been the hardest part; I've done it though and grown. David will be so proud of me, he told me the night before I started that I could do this. I didn't want to disappoint him and I didn't.

Slowing Down To Enjoy The Finish Line

I've sort of felt like I was in a race to get to the finish line with this cleanse. The past couple of days I've decided to slow down as David taught me over the holidays. Otherwise if I rush I could actually miss something important, something uplifting.

I am not the type of person that likes to rush anyhow, when I do I find I am out of sync which drives me crazy. For example, I get up at 5:00 am when I'm working, I don't leave my house until 7:30 am. By doing this, I can leisurely get myself ready, that way I'm not cranky or frustrated when going to wait for the bus.

I despise being late for anything so I leave a half hour early, that way if something happens I can catch the following bus and still not be late. I'm pretty sure I got this trait from my mother, my dad didn't care if he was late. I think it's rude to be late, it's like you think you're better than other people. My time is just as important as everyone else's time.

I have educated both my daughters the same thing about time. This is a learned behavior, a simple one that can be taught. Just change your attitude, no one should feel entitled to make another person wait.

Getting back to slowing down, I'm relaxing now and enjoying the last few days of the cleanse. Also, I am taking stock with what I want to keep up with the food cleanse, by keeping the best parts. This has really helped me to think about what I'm eating, I am way more organized so that I can have a healthy lunch. I never want to go back to stopping for quick meals, they are not good for me.

I also think that I will cut back my time with social media, there is no need to be active for hours. The only time I'll be on Facebook for any amount of time is when David is home, it's the way we talk to each other. I know we'll talk on Skype and the phone more but Facebook is easy for him.

I am going to take a Yoga breathing class, this will help to loosen me up more and with all the stresses we have in our lives, it's something we should do for ourselves.

I'm looking forward to the future with keeping the best parts of this cleanse. This has taught me what is important and what is good for me. It also showed me I was more than capable of doing this, all with a happy attitude.

True Love And Charity Never Fails

I had so many touching moments today that brought so much emotion to the surface, all wonderful and eye opening.  There were songs and talks that I felt were aimed at me, that is always a very nice thought.  The day was all about charity and how it really means to love each other and ourselves.

I think that we don't love each other this way, maybe for fear of being hurt. Whatever the reason, I don't want to be closed off to being fully loved and to fully love everyone no matter what the circumstances.  I know that I have learned not to judge other people as I do not know the way they have had to live but I wondered if I have pure love for everyone?  That is how we are meant to love each other though, this is how I really want to love people.

I also know this doesn't happen overnight, this is a work in progress.   We are a work in progress each day, we are not expected to be perfect, we are however meant to be working on this daily.  I really believe it is amazing that there are people that love without judgement, they are able to see the full picture.  I have parts of the puzzle and I am working to have the whole puzzle.

I really feel that this is how I love David and how he loves me, we have no judgments towards each other, we see the bigger picture.  He's the one who made me see that it is possible to love other people the same way, even if they don't feel the same way about me.

The song below makes me feel so much emotion and makes me remember how blessed I am.  I am hoping that I could be this way with each person I meet in my life because it is true that whatever we do to each other, this is what we do to Heavenly Father.

A Poor Wayfaring Man Of Grief

A poor wayfaring Man of grief
Hath often crossed me on my way,
Who sued so humbly for relief
That I could never answer nay.
I had not pow'r to ask his name,
Whereto he went, or whence he came;
Yet there was something in his eye
That won my love; I knew not why.

Once, when my scanty meal was spread,
He entered; not a word he spake,
Just perishing for want of bread.
I gave him all; he blessed it, break,
And ate, but gave me part again.
Mine was an angel's portion then,
For while I fed with eager haste,
The crust was manna to my taste.

I spied him where a fountain burst
Clear from the rock; his strength was gone.
The heedless water mocked his thirst;
He heard it, saw it hurrying on.
I ran and raised the suff'rer up;
Thrice from the stream he drained my cup,
Dipped and returned it running o'ver;
I drank and never thirsted more.

'Twas night; the floods were out; it blew
A winter hurricane aloof.
I heard his voice abroad and flew
To bid him welcome to my roof.
I warmed and clothed cheered my guest
And laid him on my couch to rest,
Then made the earth my bed and seemed
In Eden's garden while I dreamed.

Stript, wounded, beaten nigh to death,
I found him by the highway side.
I roused his pulse, brought back his breath,
Revived his spirit, and supplied
Wine, oil, refreshment he was healed.
I had myself a wound concealed,
But from that hour forgot the smart,
And peace bound up my broken heart.

In pris'n I saw him next, condemned
To meet a traitor's doom at morn.
The tide of lying tongues I stemmed,
And honored him 'mid shame and scorn.
My friendship's utmost zeal to try,
He asked if I for him would die.
The flesh was weak; my blood ran chill,
But my free spirit cried, 'I will!'

Then in a moment to my view
The stranger started from disguise.
The tokens in his hands I knew;
The Savior stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
'Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.'

Doing What's Right

I just read a blog that made me think... many times people ask if I am willing to die for what I believe in, I would like to think that I could say yes but I wonder...  I certainly want to live for what I believe in.  I am not afraid of death, I don't think that death is the end, I know there is better even after this.  Honestly though I love my life, I love the opportunity I have been given to be on this earth and to figure out my purpose.

I feel like I was blessed to have the opportunities that I have had, I was talking with a friend tonight and I told her that I feel like I have learned so much in the past few months about how I have dealt with challenges in the past and how I am now dealing with them.   In the past I have dealt with challenges or changes by being depressed, wondering why me?  Really???  Why not me? Challenges help me to grow, they help all of us to grow.  When I start to feel even for a moment that my life is too difficult, I am reminded that many people have had it much harder than me.

There is no one on this earth who has not had difficult and challenging times, it really is all about how we deal with them.  I know that a story I have read and heard about for years about if we threw all of our problems in a pile with everyone else's, we would be quick to grab our own back. We only think other people have it easier, we really are only given the challenges we can handle in this life.   If we don't deal with it right, that is when we need to remember to have courage and strength the most.

The world is not against us, it doesn't hate us, it isn't trying to hurt us.  Unfortunately there are people that have these feelings towards us, that doesn't mean all people are like that, we need to ignore these people's feelings towards us and just love them from a far.  They are only afraid and they don't know any other way than this to deal with their lives.  That is sad, really sad... I actually feel bad for them but I just love them from a far and move on.

I just want to do what's right, I ponder this often... I want to be uplifting to people in my life, I want to touch people's hearts and show them that even though I have had devastating things happen to me, I am still here and I am stronger because of them.  These life changing events have actually helped me to become the person that I am now, the girl who does not think to judge another person, for if I do... I automatically stop myself and question as to why I think I have the right.

21 Days To Form A Habit

I just finished day 21 of my cleanse, I've heard many times before that it takes 21 days to form a habit. I am thrilled about my eating habits, I don't even think of cheating... as it would only be hurting myself. Honestly I've had my fair share of hurt, I don't need to add to the pain myself any longer.

So in this past 21 days I have been blogging and reading many amazing blogs. They are wonderful, from photography, fashion, drawing, poetry, etc. There are so many fantastically talented people in this world and blogging has connected me to them.  I am incredibly grateful for getting to know so many people around this world, it is so inspiring.

My attitude of happiness has not diminished with this cleanse, if anything it has only got better and more positive. I've gained so much self confidence from this cleanse. I've finally proved to myself that I can be in control of me and be very happy about it. I used to think I'd totally fall apart, thankfully I wasn't correct.  It's always great when you find out that you can do something that you are almost sure that you will not be able to do, it is wonderful to accomplish the unthinkable.

I still have 20 days before I can talk to David, this has been almost unbearable. Thankfully work is keeping me busy while I am there and blogging is keeping busy when I'm home. I also need to organize myself better as I am starting my CPA course tomorrow. I was supposed to start tonight but I was exhausted after working all day. Taking this course is just another challenge that I need to prove to myself that I am able to do it.

Personal Growth With A Ha Moments

I've learned something that I needed to learn, I have to live in the present... I've said I do but I continually look back to the past thinking I wish I could change some things. I can't keep continuing to do this, changing the past would change who I am now.

I really don't want to change who I am, I need to remember that although there were awful things that happened to me in my life, they actually helped me to be who I am. Sometimes that is so hard when there were such horrible life changing events that happened to me.

I've learned that I am not what has happened to me, I had to live my life the way that I did to learn my purpose and live in the present fully. I'm not grateful or thankful for being abused or raped but I'm stronger than I ever believed I could be. I would never have learned how much strength I had unless I lived through the challenges I did.

I have had so many lessons to learn in the past few months, some have been so painful they made me cry.  Others caused me to have massive a ha moments; I really believe that those ah ha moments were worth all the pain to get to them.

The hardest part was not being able to talk to David, I have a long, long email for him when he gets home, it's easier now because I know he's not available to talk to as he is out in the backwoods with no power and sleeping in tents. Now I am going to pray and think great thoughts for him, at least I am comfortable in my home.

I am starting day 19 of my cleanse tomorrow, I plan to stay with many of the food cleanse ideas, I don't really need refined sugar in my life, I can find other alternatives.  I don't need junk food, that will never help me to get to my goals.  I love eating salad immensely... no more excuses.  I have totally been loving the weight loss aspect and I have yet to incorporate the exercise I want and need to do.  Once that one gets back into my life, there will be no stopping me.

I can honestly say that going through this cleanse has been wonderful and eye opening.  I learned that I have more strength than I ever realized that I had.  I want to build on that growth, I never want to forget how lucky I am to have this chance.

Service With Love

Service is the answer to most of if not all the challenges we are going through.  It seems the bigger the challenge the less we want to forgive and love, that is exactly when we need it the most. Think about it this way, wouldn't you want someone to love and forgive you for your mistakes?

I find most people are harder on themselves than on others. We all need to learn to love ourselves; I am a work in progress, there are days I love myself fully and days I wonder how anyone could even like me. Thankfully the latter thoughts are less common, with every positive thought and affirmation my negative thoughts are becoming less and less.

I've always known the answer, however; I've never truly believed it until recently. It took reconnecting with David to see how he has compassion and love for me even though I was totally living my life out of alignment. He encouraged me to be the best me, he believed in me, he showed me that the change I so desired was possible.

In a few short months I have turned my life around by 180 degrees, which I had never thought was possible. I'm here to say it's not only possible, it's actually easy; I know, I know, I know. You're all saying easy? Yes easy, you just have to change you're thoughts and change who you hang out with. Because 'Who you hang out with is who you become'. I paraphrased that quote but it still means what I'm trying to convey.

Six months ago, I was lost and wondering in the dark thinking there was no way out. I was fearful it would always be that way so I never tried to change it (for fear of failure). Haven't I tried to make all these changes in the past? What could make this time different? Me, I will make the outcome different, I have the choice, it is up to me.

No challenge is too much or too difficult to over come. Only our limited thoughts and beliefs that have us trapped in that thought pattern. We are all capable of so much more than we think we are, I think that's the scary part, succeeding... We all say we want that but we shy away from it at all costs.

What we need to do is serve each other in small ways or big ways; however, the service opportunities come into our life. We need to give this service with love and compassion and mostly we have to give it without judging. I think that is the hardest thing to do because when we are giving service, sometimes the problem is due to the individuals own choices. We need to forgive and move on, it is not for us to judge, it is only for us to serve.  

Travelling And Seeing We Are All The Same

Now that I have been reading blogs from people around the world, I have a desire to see even more of it.  I have learned that although there are differences in our languages and our cultures, we really all are the same, we want to be loved, we want to be seen.  The world is actually a small place, especially since the internet has brought us together at the touch of a key stroke.

I used to think I never wanted to travel but that changed in the last five years, now I cannot wait for the chance to travel. There are so many places I want to explore, so many experiences I want to have.  I watch 'The Amazing Race' all the time and I see countries I never even heard of and they are all so beautiful.  I am also so grateful that the internet can almost instantly translate any language.  I have learned so many things about so many people.

I would love to travel this world with my best friend David, he wants to see so many different countries, we could choose a few of each of what we want to see and then view them all together.  My oldest daughter Andrea and her husband Paul went to Italy, she said it was so beautiful and how much they loved their time there, I am so happy they went there together before they had Jackson... it's an experience they had together they will always have.

I really believe by traveling that we open our minds and hearts to other people and their cultures.  I also believe by doing this, we can become closer to each other when we can all see that we really are much more a like than we ever would have thought possible.  I love this earth and all the beauty that is available for us to see and explore.

The Purpose Of Me

I have been taking many seminars on finding my purpose, I had been so lost for so long.  I remember feeling there was no way out of the horrible state I was in when I was married to my ex Andrey.  I was wrong, there is always a way out, there is always a chance to move on and grow. I just had to believe in myself and find out that fear is actually something that can motivate me.

I am free, it started with one of my best friends Cindy who stood by me and helped me stand up to Andrey and finally get him out of my life.  I was afraid and even though she was afraid inside, I never saw it on the outside.  She got me started four years ago, then instead of going with that.... I went down a dark path because I allowed myself to believe the stories Andrey said about me.  He said I was old, I was fat, I was ugly and I was disgusting.  Really, he couldn't have been more wrong and that story is not my story anymore, that is just a story I have from my past.  I am only 48, that is not old, I am totally enjoying my life now more than ever.  I am not ugly, I may not be beautiful but I am definitely interesting.  I am not disgusting, I am funny, spiritual, creative, honest, positive, energetic, the list goes on and on.  I am amazing, we all are.  I was fat, I am still a big girl but I do not have to stay that way, I have lost 35 pounds in 11 weeks.

Yes, I have lost 35 pounds in 11 weeks and I am loving it, I am different this time... even if I was to falter in the future, I know the path I need to be on and I will never stray far from it again.  I think I was afraid to lose the weight in the past, afraid because I knew I could have amazing potential.  We have all been put here on earth to be happy, truly happy... I finally believe that.  Yes we will have difficult times but nothing and I do mean nothing cannot be overcome.

I know my life has had so many ups and downs over the years, from the fire that burned me extensively as a child, to my abusive ex step mother who did all that she could to destroy me, to being a single mom on welfare, to marrying a man who degraded me and then raped me.  I overcame all of this and more.  I am here to say that we can all overcome the past and be better because of it. There is nothing that can hold us back except us.  I am not going to let me hold myself back from my potential, I deserve the best as we all do.

Fifteen more days and I can go back to social media, better yet twenty-six more days and I can talk to David.  I realized so much from this cleanse, I could give up anything like refined sugar, wheat, social media, etc..... but I could not give up David. it has been so hard with out him, I needed to do this to realize just how close we really are and how amazing our relationship is.  I have so much to tell him, all of it fabulous and uplifting, David has led me back to myself more than any other person I know, he saw the best in me and because he did, I was able to see the best in myself.

I found a path that feels so good, so uplifting, so enlightening... I feel blessed I have found my purpose. 

Never Ending Lessons

 I am reminded daily that we never stop learning.  My career teaches me this, I learn something new daily there, it is never boring. Most people would think payroll was a boring career... I am never bored at work, I am challenged all day at my job and that is actually a good thing as it keeps me on my toes.  I like that... if I were to ever know my job fully, which is impossible, I would be sooo bored.

I also see how I never stop learning in life, sometimes the lessons are so painful that they are difficult to handle but I always find that ultimately it is a good thing.  Although some of those lessons take a long time to see that they are good.  My latest challenge that I had was in my seminar on Saturday when I had to come to terms with an incident in my life.  Everyone who reads my blog knows that I am madly, passionately in love with my high school crush David.  I was so excited that he actually had feelings for me last fall and we talked non stop for a couple of months and then spent the 2011 holidays together... the best I ever had.

But I had to accept that I somehow knew deep in my heart that David wasn't ready for an emotional relationship with me, he had just ended a long term one not too long before we started dating long distance.  I thought I asked the right questions when I asked if I was a rebound?  But really I was asking him to assure me that I wasn't so that I could take that as permission to fall head over heels in love with him... somehow I knew he wasn't ready... I guess I didn't care, I wanted to believe in that fairy tale love and romance, I had wanted him for so long that I let that slide.  I thought if he came here and spent time with me, held me and woke up with me that he would love me as much as I loved him.

That was one painful lesson, he realized he wasn't ready and my dream was crushed.  I was so sad and I sobbed for days.  I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't function... luckily David kept in continual contact with me, he was so worried and sad himself.  The truth is that he does love me and he always will, no matter how this all turns out in the future.  We are closer than I ever thought possible, even though it isn't what I wanted at this time, I will always have him in my life.

The lesson here was that I didn't trust myself enough to know that I knew he wasn't ready, it all came down to me feeling I wasn't enough.  David is right though, I am more than enough, I deserve true, honest and faithful love.  When my heart heals one day, I may be ready to take that chance again in the future.

Remember Not To Judge

 I have been thinking about how people judge each other, I don't understand why we do this though. Who are we to think we have the right to judge another person?  There are things I have done that I don't tell many people because I know they would look at me differently when the truth is we all have those things to different degrees.  I have been open and honest with the right people, people who don't judge me, they love me.

You know what is even worse is having someone judge you for what other people in your life have done!  Just because you are involved with another person, does not mean that what they have done should reflect on you.  I am thinking about a close friend of mine who is being ridiculed and made to feel like she is a pariah because of something someone else did.  She is the kindest, most loving woman I know; I cannot fathom how people can continue to judge other people when I know we all have secrets that we would not want everyone to find out for fear we would be treated differently.

I have learned many things over my lifetime and I am sure there are many other things I will learn.  I know that when I was in my 20's I tended to judge other people; wow... who did I think I was?  I had no right, no one does.  Yes there are actions that are atrocious and unspeakable, still though is is up to us treat people the way we think they should be treated.  I want everyone to stop and think for just one moment, think about something you may have done in your past that you have changed but would you still want everyone to know about?

Now think about how awful it would be to judged on another persons mistakes or behaviors?  How would that feel?  I couldn't imagine, nor do I want to as it has to be extremely painful.  The truth is exactly what that saying says 'Judge not, less you be judged'.

Love And Friendship

***Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.~Emily Brontë*** 

Some people don't appreciate what they have and that makes me wonder why anyone would want a person like that? Maybe they don't realize they are worth more than that and they don't see how special they are. I've been there in the past, thinking I didn't deserve anything better when that is so untrue. We all deserve goodness, kindness and love. If someone truly loves you they would never talk badly about you, ever.

I love David with my whole heart and soul, he's been so wonderful to me. There is nothing or no one that could make me say a nasty word against him. He never set out to hurt me, that was the farthest thing from his mind. He'd rather hurt himself before he hurt me. This is true friendship and love for another person. Although I am saddened that our relationship didn't end up where I wanted it to and knew it should go, I will always be his best friend and soul mate. There is nothing or no one that could break that bind we have. Only us and we are never going to let that happen.

***A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise.~Richard Bach***

Whoever we meet or love in the future will have to accept our relationship or move on. We both know that what we found in each other is more important and more special then just romantic love. We know how lucky and blessed we are to have found each other. Neither one of us will ever take our relationship lightly.

It's day 10 of the cleanse and I am just getting stronger with more clarity. I realize as hard as it has been being without David, I feel I needed it so that I could step back and see how close we are. I'm no longer afraid, which is something I desperately needed.

***We recognize a soul mate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.~Linda Brady***

***A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself – to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.~Leo Buscaglia***

I also needed to sit down and really think about what I want in a partner which I wrote about in my last blog 'What I Will Attract'. Mostly I want someone who is available only to me, someone who will love only me. This is NOT asking too much, I am willing to give them the same.

I Will Attract What I Want

In my seminar on Saturday I was challenged to write a list of what I want in a partner and what I am willing to give to my partner. The following is my desires of what I will now attract:

1.   I attract a man who is ready for a relationship I feel intuitively that he'll be ready for me.

I will continue to work on being the best me so that I will be ready when he shows up in my life.

2.   I attract a man who has integrity and keeps his word.

I believe I deserve a man who keeps his word since I always do my best to keep any promise that I make. I deserve nothing less than this.

3.   I attract a man who is dedicated to personal growth.

Since I am readily and continually working on being the best me with many seminars, books, blogging and making a decision to be as happy as humanly possible. I want this with my partner too.

4. I attract a man who's faithful.

I am and will always be 100% faithful, I will never take less then this ever again.

5.   I attract a man who has a phenomenal relationship with God.

Since I am working on having an amazing relationship with God, I want the same from my partner. He doesn't necessarily have to have my faith but he has to believe in and love God as much as I do. He has to have an open mind and be non-judgmental.

6.   I attract a man who looks at me with the eyes of love like God.

I want a man who will love and cherish me as much as God does, I will give him the exact same love if not more.

7.   I attract a guy who loves adventure.

I need a man who wants to have adventure in his life, such as traveling, zip lining, white water rafting, hand gliding. I am up for fun things, even if I'm a little afraid. I want to experience life to the fullest.

I was then told that I need to stop looking for my soul mate because:

'Your soul mate is not going to come along, you're soul mate is going to be where you're going.'

Basically what it's saying is that I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and he will show up wherever I'm going. It is not for me to look or search for him, it is for him to find me.

This list is truly what I want and deserve in a partner, I really believe in making lists and then letting go and when the time it right, everything works out the way it is supposed to.  This is one of my hardest challenges, as I have never left this one up to God or the Universe, I have to take a chance sometime, my methods have not worked yet.  They have only brought me sadness and pain. It's time to give something else a committed try.

I love this quote that says:

'What you put up with, you end up with.  Raise your standards and you will raise along with them.'

Will I Ever Be Enough? Only If I Believe

Will I ever be enough? Or will a small part of me always hold me back from my potential? It makes me sad to know that although I have come so far in my life, I have yet to believe that I'm enough the way that I am.

I had a seminar last night that focused on what I want and need in a relationship, I know exactly what I deserve but somehow I don't believe I deserve it. If I truly believed it, I wouldn't continue to make the choices I make. I need to figure out how to get my heart and mind on the same page.

My heart believes I'm not enough so I'm unwilling to give love a chance. My mind knows I'm enough from all the seminars and books I've read and my belief in God. However; I rarely seem to get my heart and mind on the same page. I need them to work together if I'm ever to have my hearts desire.

I have only taken two chances in my life to really fall in love, given my heart completely and neither of them went well.  My heart was broken so badly both times that I was unsure I could love again. The first time was when I was young and it lasted emotionally for over 20 years.  When I finally got that out of my system, I decided not to give my heart to anyone again. 

Life is funny though, along came someone that I never thought I would have the opportunity to love and he was so easy to love, so easy to open my heart to; that my mind and heart opened at the same time and I gave him all of me. I sadly had my heart broken even worse than the first time.  Even now I wonder how I will ever open myself again to anyone.

I rush into a relationship thinking if the man could just hold me, be with me, he'd see how wonderful I was he'd never want to leave me. Instead I should hold back and wait for him to realize or know how amazing I am. This is where I falter and don't believe in myself enough.

This is day nine on the cleanse and I am kind of weepy and reflective. Not always the best combination for me, I don't want to wallow in the past with what ifs? I want to stand up and say the truth and believe it fully 'the past does not define me'

Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

I have completed one week of the cleanse and I have learned a great deal about myself. I've been able to deal with life, even though I cannot text or post on Facebook and Twitter. I am enjoying the food aspect of this as it really makes me think about what I am putting in my body.  It is kind of scary to think of what I just ate without thinking about. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, the only thing I really miss is David.

He's been my support for nearly 6 months, he always says what I need to hear. Not what I want him to say but what I need to hear. Many people say they want this type of person in their lives but then when they have them there, they don't like what they hear.  I am incredibly grateful to have him there and I completely understand that he is coming from a place of love when he tells me what I need to hear.

When we are ready to accept the truth about ourselves is when we are ready to grow. If we continue to hide and duck the truth about ourselves it means that we really don't want to succeed.  When I finally came clean and told David about all my deep dark secrets, they no longer owned me... I owned them and moved on.

I also have found that I actually have time to clean and organize now that I am not on social media 24/7.  I deleted all my apps of my phone, I have decided when my time is completed on this cleanse, I am still going to monitor my time on social media.  I do not have to be readily available as I was in the past.

I need to continue to take time for myself, we all need to take a little quiet time without constant bombardment of social media. I allowed it to take over my life instead of using it for what it was meant to be, keeping in touch with family and friends.

So, I am on day 8 of my cleanse, continually learning which is exciting in so many ways and hard in others. The saying that goes something like this; 'Nothing worth having comes easy'.  If it was easy... we would all have exactly what we want and we wouldn't be as happy as we think we would.

Some Epiphany's

While your experiences of your past will shape you, in no way do those experiences have to define you. ~ Carole Brody Fleet

"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." - Marianne Williamson,

Waking up to what I've been doing to myself for years is hard. Hard because I know that it is me that limits myself and tells myself I don't deserve the best. Why have I so readily believed that voice for so many years? I guess it's because it sounds familiar and comfortable even though it is so wrong and not true.  I also believe I had to go through many of the challenges that I've gone through to get to this point in my life. The funny thing is that I really shouldn't make it so hard on myself, I shouldn't have regret for not making changes sooner, I think it had to be that way for me to learn.

I have had a couple of epiphany's in the last week, one that if I really want to share my life I have to be ready. One way I need to be ready is that I need to act like I already have him by having my closets and drawers organized and ready for him to move in. Second, I realized I have chosen or attracted men that ended up having no power over their children lives. That comes from a fear of my moms, she lost all of her children to her mother and my father except for Krista (she lied to her and never came clean). I don't lie to my children, I just choose men who would never be able to win custody in court.

I've also seen this cleanse as being very eye opening. I had feared that I may not be as happy as I am without the things I use to fill my life. I found out that although I miss David terribly (I can barely wait to talk to him on May 10th), I'm still a very upbeat and a happy girl. I'm thrilled that never changed. I've also seen that there have been challenges I've had to deal with that I have handled. So now I see my friends going through horrible life altering changes. I can finally be there for them, the way they have been there for me.

Having my faith has been incredible, I'm so ecstatic I am back where I belong. I know my faith can only help me grow. It's so wonderful to feel the spirit more and more. I just need to pray and read my scriptures more diligently. I am taking one step at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself to the point that I give up, I would rather take it step by step until I get to each place I need to be.

Blessings In Disguise

I was reading over some of my initial posts, in the beginning I thought I would write a story of my life that I have lived through letters.  But almost immediately I was more compelled to write smaller excerpts of my life.

I've been thinking that I should give a little more background story, especially since I'm going through this cleanse that is making me think a lot about the past and how I want to change my behaviors that are not good for me.  So here goes.

When I was 17 years old I found out I was pregnant, talk about scared.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  Andrea's father was not supportive in any way shape or form, he was 21.  He actually tried to deny paternity, I was so angry and I told him when I proved this child to be his, he'd be lucky if he'd ever see them again.

He changed his tune quickly but he never became the man he should, he was pretty self centered. He had already broke up with me on 2 different occasions. When I had Andrea on September 29th, 1981, he came to the hospital and begged me to take him back.  I took him back but advised him if he left me again, I would never take him back.  10 months later he left and true to my word I NEVER took him back although he begged me incessantly. I even wondered what I had ever seen in him.

So I ended up being a single mom at the very young age of 18 and I can tell you this, it was hard and it was stressful. I lived on a very tight budget but I always made sure that Andrea never did without. I wasn't always the best mom, I knew so little about how to raise a child, I was barely an adult myself. I worked on things over time and I have forgiven myself.  No need to dwell on it or live in the past. I must have did something right, otherwise Andrea would not have turned out to be as wonderful and successful as she is, I do credit a lot of that to her tenacity and determination; which she got from me.

I met the first love of my life when I was 23, Tony... I really thought he and I would be married. We lived together for 2 years and even after we were in and out of each others lives for over 23 years.  Tony just couldn't be faithful though and that would have driven me crazy.  He's married and now he is her problem. He actually disappointed me more than any other person in my life, when I told him I was raped, he asked me what I expected?  He blamed me... unbelievable, such an archaic thought pattern.

I didn't date again until Andrea was 18 and I was 37, that was Andrey, Valentina's papa...  There was a man who didn't love himself, so much self loathing that he took it out on me many times over the years. We met in October 2000, we married in May 2001.  It wasn't always awful, it became awful within a year.  Although I do have to say there were many signs now that I look back on the past.  Finally we separated on May 2004 but I continued to look after him when he was unable to do this for himself.  All of that changed the night he raped me on April 13th, 2008. He's pretty well been in jail or the hospital since that time. It's pretty sad that this is the father that Valentina has, she is a very lucky little girl though, she has many people who love and adore her and I will always be there for her.

Not long after the traumatic experience of being raped by my ex, this made me want to make many changes in my life.  I found the job I am currently in and I love it, I also found the apartment that I wanted.  Unfortunately I went down a very long dark path for nearly three years of my life. Trying so hard to cover the pain of being raped and degraded over the years. Finally, I started getting a handle on my life and my feelings.  David was sent into my life and he showed me the truth about me, I am just as amazing and wonderful as he tells me.  I needed to have him come into my life to shake my life up and remind me of my true self and inner core.

Although I have had really terrible and degrading things happen in my life, I am not defined by those incidents.  I am defined by how I rose above it all and became who I was truly meant to be. I am a very lucky girl and extremely blessed.