The System

I have to say... I had much more faith in our system. Boy, was I wrong, it didn't matter that I am a coherent and intelligent person and the other person is considered  irrational.  A judge felt that the irrational person should be given the benefit of the doubt. I wish men could go through what woman go through. They might think differently, at least I will not have to answer to anyone for my actions or decisions on that matter... I would not want to be the person who made that decision and if so, I would hope there will be no repercussions.

I have my own things that I have to deal with but I also know that I have had to deal with much more than I ever thought possible. Pretty sure that I am not dealing with it the best but what else can I do... there are so many ways I can self destruct and I am trying to choose the things that will cause the least issues. Although, truth be told, there is no way to choose things that are not what we are supposed to chose and to make them right.  I just don't know how to move on.

I honestly don't know if I can move forward, not with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with! I know I am supposed to be the bigger and smarter person but it's not enough to know it, I don't feel it.  I feel like a small inadequate person with no say and I don't like that feeling. It means I am not in control, when did I give up the control, why did I give it up?

So now, all I am trying to do is fill voids that seem like bottomless pits, nothing ever seems to fill them up and make them better. Will I just ever feel okay again, I have to believe that one day I will, one day I will know that my worth is more than this. It just seems that now is not that time.

Why do I say this, because if someone I have been friends with pretty well half of my life cannot let me be a part of their life, it makes me wonder if I can ever feel normal again. I want to feel right again, I just don't know how.

Being strong in tough times

I am in for one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a very long time and I am not looking forward to it. I have found myself not being my authentic self, it is like I am floating up and over myself and watching my odd behavior. Wondering where it will all stop or where it will stop! Wondering what it will take for me to get back on track, hmmmm. Or have I taken a wrong path too far to get back to where I know I should be. Why is it so hard to do the right thing, is it because it is so boring?  Why do I crave excitement now... why do I need to have so much craziness in my life to make me feel.

I am hoping so much that when this week is over, I will be able to move on and deal with the issues from the past. Maybe then I will be able to find the path that I want to be on. At least I can start to deal with the past and why I have allowed it to own who I am.

I think a lot of the reason is that because someone that I care a great deal for made me think that what happened to me was my fault, if I had just done something one way and not the way that I did, then I would not be in the situation I was in. Deep down, part of me has held that feeling and thought... maybe if I had just done something one way....???  So, I have not dealt with what happened, I have internalized it, especially when they now refuse to speak to me again, like I did something to bring that into my life.

I guess for me to move on I have to understand that sometimes we lose things that are very important to us and that sometimes that is just the way that it is, as sad as that is... I have to let that loss go. Really it will be harder for them in the future when they finally realize what they have done and it will be too late for them to be where they want to be. I have to move forward and that means letting go of the past. I have to be strong in these tough times and do the right thing and not what I want!

Trying to fill voids

For the past 8 months or more... I have been trying to fill voids in my life. I have tried many different things to fill them, not all that wonderful but I am constantly trying something different. I keep thinking this next thing will be the change I need and yet I still feel so empty.

After being rejected and hurt so much in the last 10 years of my life, I made a commitment to myself that I would not let anyone in my heart again. Somebody snuck in and I didn't realize it till it was too late. Now I try all I can to not allow my heart to hurt again. I have been lying to myself in that I just liked them, I mean where could it go... we seem to be from two different worlds but it was completely obvious to me this week that I had allowed myself to care much more than I should have.

So, instead of being honest, I am sabotaging it before they break my heart... I am doing things that will potentially ruin any chances, all done to try to protect my heart from being broken. I have only had one man in my life that shattered my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. Somehow after many years and I do mean many... I have come out on the other side and survived that very painful loss but now I have strong feelings for someone that I probably shouldn't... it is scary beyond belief and somehow I can't help it. What is is like is almost like watching a train wreck in slow motion, I don't know what it is inside me that makes me not believe that I am worthy of the love that I crave so much.

This is the most honest that I have been with myself for a very long time... it took a friend stating the obvious and me denying it irrationally... for me to really see what I truly felt. Does it make it any less scary?  No... the fear is still there but I don't want the fear to control me and own me. I want to be stronger than the fear and take the chance and say why not... I really deserve the best and to have someone that wonderful in my life.

If I want what I am afraid to believe is possible... I will never attain it but if I believe that I am worthy of this person and show the confidence than I will have that in my life. The answer to the question is that I have to believe that anything is possible with hope and love.