Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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A Letter To My Mother

The main thing that stood out for me while I was studying was the feeling I had to write a letter to my mother, my mom passed away in February 2009. I had been very close to her over the years, I didn't grow up with her from the age of six until I was fifteen but she and I became extremely close ... the year before she died we didn't talk as much as we used as life kept us both very busy and we were on opposite sides of North America. I was in Halifax, she was in Salem.

Lately I wish I could talk to her, she of all people I know would have understood what I was going through... I remember when I met her at the age of fifteen and we connected, she answered so many questions that I had.  I was able to hear the stories from when I was younger ... what I remember the most was how much she loved my father, how her eyes lit up and how happy she was... 

I also remember when things didn't work out for them a couple of years later and how very devastated she was, thinking back it breaks my heart. She was only 47 when they separated but she decided at that time to never date again and she didn't. She never stopped loving my father though and there was even a time that my parents talked about getting back together but my mother had come to a point that she wanted everything on her terms, my father wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and they went their separate ways.

I love my mother ... at the time I thought why didn't she bend a little to have what she always wanted? Today I understood, today I realized she had known her worth and that anything less then her terms would have been settling. The only thing I will do differently is that I am willing to give someone else a chance, not every man is out to break my heart. There are honest, kind caring men ... not all men lie.

You know what I remember the most about my mom... was that she didn't talk badly about other people. My dad gave her good excuse over the years but she never talked poorly of him, this was the way she was with the people in her life. I do aspire to be that way with the people in my life too. It is not always easy when someone hurts us, however; the alternative wouldn't bring peace either. I am grateful I have learned that quality from my mother. 

I missed all of you, when I could read I kept up that way but I did take a lot of time to study and prepare for my test... which I passed, I was thrilled as you can all imagine.  I had thought about diving in and taking my next course but I have decided that I will do that one in the Spring. It is pretty intense being a mama, working and taking a course... it left me very little time for me. The whole time I was off studying, all I wanted to do was write... I had some really inspiring moments. 

I will be by to visit you all over the next couple of days, I can't wait to catch up. I also wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers... this is an emotional time for me as it is for many people but I am not going to wallow in the sadness, I am going to immerse myself in the good parts of this season and keep myself busy by giving. By this time next week, I will have my tree up and decorated... I am really looking forward to Christmas this year...

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