How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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