The past, something I thought I had conquered and overcome... do we ever really overcome it. I think it's always there lurking ready to remind us where we have come from.
People say that the present is the only thing that we need to worry about... that there is nothing else. If that is true, how come no matter how we try to overcome the past, where we have come from, it is still there. Reminding us that we have come far but not far enough. It reminds us of all the mistakes we have made that got us to where we are today.It reminds us of what we have lost and can't get back. It reminds us that we are human and that no matter what we think now our past always reminds us where we have been.
The future is just memories waiting to be created. I was hoping that somehow... they would be good ones, with better outcomes. Maybe some people are not meant to have the good outcomes. I wanted to somehow believe that I could overcome everything that held me back.
Now I just don't know anymore... it seems the harder I try the more obstacles come my way. Obstacles that seem insurmountable, I want to believe that I am strong enough but I haven't seen that lately, where is that girl, the one that is positive and optimistic. Could all of that been taken away on one night? Am I never going to get her back? I want to win and succeed, I just don't know how to do it from here.
I can't let one night destroy me... if I do... he wins. But how do I win?
The System
I have to say... I had much more faith in our system. Boy, was I wrong, it didn't matter that I am a coherent and intelligent person and the other person is considered irrational. A judge felt that the irrational person should be given the benefit of the doubt. I wish men could go through what woman go through. They might think differently, at least I will not have to answer to anyone for my actions or decisions on that matter... I would not want to be the person who made that decision and if so, I would hope there will be no repercussions.
I have my own things that I have to deal with but I also know that I have had to deal with much more than I ever thought possible. Pretty sure that I am not dealing with it the best but what else can I do... there are so many ways I can self destruct and I am trying to choose the things that will cause the least issues. Although, truth be told, there is no way to choose things that are not what we are supposed to chose and to make them right. I just don't know how to move on.
I honestly don't know if I can move forward, not with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with! I know I am supposed to be the bigger and smarter person but it's not enough to know it, I don't feel it. I feel like a small inadequate person with no say and I don't like that feeling. It means I am not in control, when did I give up the control, why did I give it up?
So now, all I am trying to do is fill voids that seem like bottomless pits, nothing ever seems to fill them up and make them better. Will I just ever feel okay again, I have to believe that one day I will, one day I will know that my worth is more than this. It just seems that now is not that time.
Why do I say this, because if someone I have been friends with pretty well half of my life cannot let me be a part of their life, it makes me wonder if I can ever feel normal again. I want to feel right again, I just don't know how.
I have my own things that I have to deal with but I also know that I have had to deal with much more than I ever thought possible. Pretty sure that I am not dealing with it the best but what else can I do... there are so many ways I can self destruct and I am trying to choose the things that will cause the least issues. Although, truth be told, there is no way to choose things that are not what we are supposed to chose and to make them right. I just don't know how to move on.
I honestly don't know if I can move forward, not with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with! I know I am supposed to be the bigger and smarter person but it's not enough to know it, I don't feel it. I feel like a small inadequate person with no say and I don't like that feeling. It means I am not in control, when did I give up the control, why did I give it up?
So now, all I am trying to do is fill voids that seem like bottomless pits, nothing ever seems to fill them up and make them better. Will I just ever feel okay again, I have to believe that one day I will, one day I will know that my worth is more than this. It just seems that now is not that time.
Why do I say this, because if someone I have been friends with pretty well half of my life cannot let me be a part of their life, it makes me wonder if I can ever feel normal again. I want to feel right again, I just don't know how.
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