Serving Others Is A Form Of Love

I really enjoyed getting caught up with so many of you, I am still working at getting back into the hang of blogging, I have been trying not to overwhelm myself too much. I need to find some middle ground... which isn't the easiest thing for me as I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl, which means if I can't keep up I give up and do something else. I have been contemplating how to change that aspect of myself... there is nothing wrong with wanting to attain the highest level but giving up because I feel like it's a failure on my part isn't what I want for myself anymore. 

I will never give up writing, it has been the one constant part of my life that has helped me to grow, I have been able to see another way to handle a test or trial. Even when I wasn't physically writing the past few months, I spent a lot of time writing in my mind, thinking of what it would take for me to finally get back to actually writing on the computer. Blogging wasn't my first thought as I feel that blogging is meant to be interactive, I couldn't just write and walk away... so I wrote a couple of times in my private blog just to write, it helped being able to get it out and see it in words. 

My church believes in journals or keeping diary for ourselves that ultimately our family would be able to read our thoughts and ideas sometime in the future... I know my mom wrote a few letters to my sister Kimmy and when she passed on I got a copy of the notebook, it was such beautiful memories that I could read at anytime and pass down to my own children in time. I can see the importance of keeping my private ideas and thoughts for my family in the future. What I learned from this over the years is that I see how alike we are... yes we all have differences but ultimately we go through many of the same trials. Which is why I think writing about how we deal with something might help someone else... I know that I have learned from others writings and I have found a way to make it through a test I was unsure I would be able to get through. 

I have been feeling cut off with my health issues and I have felt like I failed... I had gained my life life back by becoming healthy and now I feel like I am back where I was and actually further from my goals. A friend who went through something similar sent me a website with some ideas of how to strengthen my back so that my sciatica won't be so painful and a very good friend dropped over and told me not to give up, she would be ready to walk with me when the time came that I wasn't in such a great deal of pain. I honestly had given up on my health and thought to myself that this was the way my life was going to be.... but I can't give up because it's hard, it's not going to be simple, it's going to be painful and it's going to take a great deal of work but I want my life back... it's time for me start doing something, even if it's small and not to get discouraged when it takes longer than I think it should. 

I haven't been attending my church because I felt it was too painful... I have people that are willing to pick me up and take me home part way... at least I can get out weekly and see other people so that I am not feeling as though I am so trapped in my home. I need that connection with other people, even if it is only for a short time each week... It will be good for me to hear other thoughts and ideas so that I am not sitting at home, convincing myself there is no way out. I want to help others, so that I will think of myself less... 

I feel like service is the way for me to better myself in the long run... I might not be able to do anything to physical at the moment but I can talk to people and I can take the time to write my story for my children. There is a lot of my life on this blog but I don't write about everything as there are personal things I don't want everyone to know but I do want my children to know it all one day... as I am sure they will have to deal with many of the same trials in their lives and I want them to know that there is always a way through, no matter how difficult the test is... I have been served with love by many people over the years, it's time for me to serve others the same way... 

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I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Facing Fears Becomes Our Strengths

 

I sat down yesterday and poured my heart out in a blog post and before I published it, I reread it of course... then I deleted it from here... some things are too raw and real to post. No matter how much I want to write exactly what is in my thoughts and heart, I just can't... I started a pseudo blog so that I could say what I wanted, it's an open blog but I will not be promoting it in anyway. I could write it privately but I have a need to put it out there... maybe what I say can help someone else. 

I am definitely in a better place than I was a couple of years ago when my heart was broken and all I could do was cry all the time... it took me a long time to get to where I am today but I readily admit that it's not easy all the time. I have moved forward but there are times I hear a song, read an old blog post of mine, come across a quote that reminds me of what I lost... inevitably I am left thinking how I got to that day that changed me so much. For the longest time I felt broken and I could not see how I would or could feel good again, let alone feel like it would all be worth it again.

I got there though but not without bumps on the road that threatened to take me down roads that might be hard to return from... I believe we all have those forks in the road, where we have to make a conscious choice to take the difficult path, the one that will help us grow and become who we are meant to me. That path is beyond hard... it would be so easy to leave it and go on the easy path that stops the pain but what you give up to have that is more than I was willing to give up. 

I have been on those 'easy' paths, the ones where you don't have to feel... I have seen many people on that path too... there is something that comes along and derails them and the pain is crazy hard and it's easier covering the pain than dealing with it head on. Since I have been on both roads, I can tell you that although the difficult path is painful it is the only one that will or can bring about a clarity. I had to come to a point in my life that I had to admit that even though the pain was going to be heartbreaking to deal with, it had to be dealt with. 

I am never going to have the answer to how I got to one of the hardest days of my life and right now I'm not even sure I know why I had to deal with it... except it taught me one thing, I was unbelievably sure that I would not survive... I am not joking, I mean what I wrote... but I did survive it and now loss is not a fear of mine like it used to be... I think life is about conquering our fears and growing beyond them... Fears are certainly not easy, it is like opening a wound and opening our eyes to the truth and deciding we are stronger than that fear.

These past few months had me thinking about what I want to do in my life once the time comes that Valentina is grown... I want to experience life fully and show both of my girls that there is a beautiful world out there where we can make memories... It might not mean going far from home, it might mean just seeing places near by... but it means getting out of our comfort zone and facing our fears. Only then will our fears become our strengths... 

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My Faith Will Be Bigger Than My Fears

I have been wanting to write for the last week, each time I would think tonight would be the night... I would have had a very stressful day at work, I also ended up having vertigo 3 days in the last week and I have been spending a lot of time organizing my social media. First and foremost the physio therapist has given me the green light to start walking again... now if the weather would cooperate, unfortunately there has been a great deal of rain, the long range forecast looks pretty good for now, which I am looking forward to... Second, I have been sabotaging myself when it comes to food.  I am not even sure why, I know I have to figure out why so that I can continue on my healthy path. 

I have had small dips here and there over the past couple of years but this has been a big long dip, I am not sure what it will take... I know that once I get walking again, I will have something more to focus on other than sitting in front of a TV... Here's the funny thing, I don't even like the TV, I find it boring and monotonous, I actually don't watch full shows, I just have it on while I do my social media on my phone. However; that is not a good excuse for me to just throw everything I have learned away. 

There are going to be tough times in my life, food isn't the answer to those issues. I am not berating myself or thinking I am a failure in any way... I just need to figure out a better way to handle disappoints and trials. Walking these past few years has really had me focused, I never even knew how much it kept me on the path until I couldn't do it. I have to learn other methods because as much as I love walking, it isn't always going to be feasible. I don't know what the answer is yet but that is what I am working on at the moment. 

I have had a lot on my mind and I feel like I am at a crossroads, which I think we all come to often in our lives...some bigger than others. In the past I usually let circumstances take over and make the decision of which path I will follow as I never find it easy to make decisions. I know, not always the best way to deal with choices... I can think of a couple of choices in my life that were made for me because I refused to make them for myself... the aftermath of those choices being made for me were life changing and not always in a good way... what did I learn from them?

That is why I am thinking about the place I am in my life and looking down those paths and choices I have. I always thought I was the girl that needed stability... even if it was boring. When my father would up and move to another province or country in a heartbeat or change jobs on a whim... I would think, how does he sleep at night, isn't he worried about what might happen with the choices he made? However; in the last few years, I have come to understand him a great deal more... although he didn't face his past head on... he did live his life the way he wanted to...

I know I have spent my life not making choices because I was too concerned what people might think or say... but as I grow older and understand more and more that the life we have been given was meant to live, to explore and grow. We all have different paths in our lives and no one should tell us which one to take because they feel they know what is best for us... I know the path I want to take, I just need to figure out how to get there... and the truth is that I believe if it is meant to be, a way will be made... My faith just has to be bigger than me fears...

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Time For Me To Learn The Lesson

Before I start to write my thoughts today, I want to thank each of your for the kind and honest comments over the years. I have been incredibly grateful for having this form to get my thoughts out, whether they have been daily or weekly... whatever it was that I needed at the time. I love the blog community I am in, so much so that I have a great desire to meet so many of you... I believe one day that will be possible.

Saying all this... I have been thinking about not writing here, at least not where I publish it for anyone to read for a while. Why? Well when I started this blog in 2009 it was to deal with the aftermath of being raped by my ex husband, I had lost my voice in that relationship and I needed to write what I was feeling inside. I had changed a great deal in my marriage... I tolerated behavior that today I would never accept.  I didn't write a great deal for the first three years...my blog was more of a personal diary that a few people read which I didn't promote. It helped me just to get my thoughts out... then my life took a huge turn at the end on 2011.

David, the man I'd always had a crush on became interested in me, I was over the moon... I cannot begin to explain how joyful I felt. I had a permanent smile and I believed in us, there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be together. We had even discussed marriage, he came home for Christmas and it was amazing. However, he went home and in the new year he had a change of heart and I started writing almost daily to be able to handle the pain of losing us. It helped and I was working through a lot of the emotions, I had even got my head wrapped around eating healthy and exercising... I began to change my life for the good in the Summer of 2013.

Then that fateful day in September 2013 happened and I was changed permanently. I stopped sleeping and depression took over, I wondered if I would ever feel good or believe in anything again. I exercised even more... I started writing weekly and I found it was what I needed and all that I had time for... I came through most of that pain and found a way to move on... they were two of the most tumultuous years I had ever had to deal with... pain brings a growth that nothing else can.

Lately I wonder why I've continued to write? I'm not even sure I have the answer... part of me thought it was helping me but then I realized last week that I've been recycling my thoughts and not really learning from them, isn't that what writing a personal blog is about? Learning and then changing? I know that sometimes we learn a concept and a year later, we learn more about that concept. However; I feel like I am relearning the same concept over and over... 

I am going to take some time, real time to decide if I want to continue writing here, if I feel like writing can change me for the better I will be back. Until then I will continue to write for me because I need that... if any of you want to stay in contact with me, feel free to add yourself to my Facebook Launna Krivousov - Twitter @LaWannish - Instagram @launnak or Google+ Launna Krivousov. I love staying connected through social media. Also, although I will miss all your blogs I am taking time away from them too... I need to make some changes in my personal life as I have been feeling like I was spiraling out of control... I need to focus on me and Valentina... and hopefully learn the lesson...

I do know that I will be back to read and follow your blog posts after I have taken some time to get my life under control, I will miss you all a great deal, especially all of you who leave me such beautiful and heartfelt comments.

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Breaking Down Walls To Grow

I have been thinking about how disappointed I was, that once again, someone wasn't who they portrayed themselves to be... I told my sister I just wanted to throw the towel in and give up on dating... I feel like I take care of myself, yet men choose women the opposite of me... My sister told me that she will never give up on love no matter what and although I have been burned many times over, I have to agree with her... I am not giving up on love either. 

 

I may not hop back on the dating site for a few months but I will go there again and I will be more discerning than ever. Honestly the guy is going to have to prove he is worthy of dating me, I don't want some guy who just talks the talk... he has to walk the talk too... when I made my profile in the past I don't think I was specific enough, I am going to be choosier... I am willing to give the best of myself to someone and I expect the same in return. 

Just a very quick update, I have been walking a lot and enjoying it, I plan to walk every day I possibly can without excuses... and the best part is that I am eating consciously, I am not eating to numb myself. With that of course comes a lot of emotions I have to deal with... definitely not easy but when has change ever been easy?  Of course no one wants to feel pain, sadness or disappointment but as awful as those feelings are they are the only way to grow.

 

When I have decided to numb those feelings in the past, all I did was prolong the pain and I stayed in the same spot of sadness, which stopped me from growing. This week as I walked I thought about how I just needed to push through so that I would no longer be standing in the same place anymore... I honestly cannot go another year and look back... to see that I have not progressed again because I was unwilling to feel the emotions that have been holding me back. 

I don't want to build those walls around me anymore, yes I know that is more than likely inviting more pain into my life but I am hoping eventually it will invite the joy I want too... I read the quote above over the weekend and although I have read it many times in the past, it resonated with me as I could see that each wall I built around me in the last few years didn't really protect me, they actually made me more sad.

 

So, I decided this week that instead of building walls, I am breaking them down... and giving myself the chance to heal... With that comes one very important thing I have to do... I have to really forgive someone that I have been unable to forgive up until now... which has upset me as I am really a very forgiving person and holding onto this anger for her has just held me back.  Besides the truth is that what we give out comes back to us... I want to give forgiveness and love...

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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

 

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.

So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.

I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....

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Judgment Is Just Fear

Judging is a part of life and not necessarily a good part, we all do it to some degree ... I would love to say that I don't judge people as much as I try not to... What I have learned instead is to recognize why I have judged and then work on changing that feeling or thought. The most difficult judgements for me to let go of are when other people judge me and I feel like I have no way to defend myself.

It is easy to want to strike back at someone when they are mean and hurtful to me for no reason, especially when they don't even know me... I have dealt with this in my life, more now that part of my life is on the internet. However; I cannot let what other people say or do 'anonymously' or otherwise affect me. Just because they say it, doesn't make it true, instead I need to work on myself, forgive them and move on...

Of course this is much easier said then done, it's something I work on daily... since I am conscious of forgiveness and the importance of it. I need to be more conscious of my judgments and remember that when someone is judging me, they really are reflecting their own fears and insecurities about themselves... because when I think about the times in my life where I was judgmental, I came to realize that it was from my own fears.


So now I am back to forgiveness, they both go hand in hand... believe me when I say that I understand how easy it would be to get back at people that hurt me out of their own fears and insecurities. This week has been a testing ground for me and I wanted to let everything out to them and say There you go, are you happy now? Because I certainly could let everything out but I won't, that is not who I want to be, I am better than that.

I will take the trial I was given this week for just that, a trial... I won't be sucked into their fears and strike back just because it is easy. The easy way out never helps me in the long term... it feels good for the moment; ultimately if I fight back I won't feel good when it is all said and done. So, I won't be lowering myself to their level, I will be rising above it all. In the process, I will be wishing them the best and hoping they can find a way to move on from their fears and insecurities.

Judgements are just fears that we are not good enough, getting past the fear is where the growth begins... I personally want the growth, so I will do the work to get past any fears I have... because I am more than good enough...

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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2013 And Beyond

Christmas day 2013 is over, Valentina and I had a lovely and quiet holiday this year, she was up early and excited about all her gifts.  She is one of those children that is very happy with whatever she gets, she is a very grateful little girl.  Most of her gifts entailed jewelry this year, all kinds of kits to make her own too and of course she is into make up these days as well.  We had a nice dinner and I didn't bother counting calories, I didn't go over board but I allowed myself to indulge a little... Christmas is about having fun and relaxing, the New Year is just around the corner, I am looking forward to all that it will bring.

So, update on the date... he doesn't live in the city, we had freezing rain in both places last Saturday so it was postponed until this weekend... So far the weather looks like it will be good in both places, we are tentatively speaking about meeting on Friday night.  Hopefully the weather will co operate and we will be able to meet to see if we are as attracted to one another as we seem to be.... Either way I am sure it will be a fun night out of getting to meet someone new.

One week from today the new year will have been rung in, I think this is one of those years I am looking forward to saying good bye to, other than losing the weight ... it has not been a good year.  There were just too many incidents that out weighed the good... maybe it wasn't that there were too many incidents, more like there were bigger issues to have to deal with than I thought I could handle.  I have to say one thing here, I don't like the saying that 'we are never given more than we can handle', I am paraphrasing that.  This year I feel like I was given way more than I could handle and I haven't dealt with the challenges as well as I had hoped.

Losing the weight and becoming healthy was one of the best things I have ever done for myself... I wish I hadn't taken so long to put exercising and eating correctly together, however; even though it took me some time... I am glad I finally got to that crossroads and took on the challenge to become the best me.  I am excited for 2014 and continuing on my healthy plan to take off the last 20 pounds or so that I want to lose. I am aware that it will take making a goal, having dedication and exercising.... the great thing is that I actually love exercising and I see this as a way of life in the future.  I remember wondering if I would ever love exercising but I found my niche (walking) and when I did, it helped me to stay with my goals.

I know that loss in the sad form is something we all have to deal with in our lives ... this year it seemed like there was one loss after the other, each one became more difficult to handle.  One came along and it almost took me down, I don't sleep well to begin with but I rarely slept for months following this loss.  I still don't sleep through a full night, I am actually lucky if I can rest for more than 2-3 hours at a time... this doesn't help me to deal with the challenges I have to handle... sleep would go a long way to helping me... I have been learning to deal with the lack of rest, I wish I could find a way to handle the other challenges I have been given.

I guess that 2013 was a year of change and a year of growth, although these types of years can be overwhelming and challenging... in the long run they can turn out to be the greatest years. It is not easy seeing that, especially since I am still in the middle of all of the changes... I am hoping in 2014 that I will be able to look back and know that everything worked out for the best and I might even be able to be thankful for each challenge I was given...

Better Than The Day Before

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I spent two hours typing in the other blog yesterday and the day before, it is amazing what comes out of you when you just say what you feel no matter what, the only person that can judge you is yourself and I have come too far to judge myself that harshly.  I have made many mistakes over the years, some of them had bigger consequences depending on the incident.  What I came away with after I had written as much as I could write, was that although I have made mistakes, I have grown... lately I have grown in leaps and bounds.

No matter how difficult things are going in my life and currently they are not great... I see that I have a determination and commitment that I have never really had before.  I love that I am still so focused... I have a goal to get to for my weight and a goal to become the best me... Frankly the old me would have thrown the towel in and just gone to town with the food, not caring, just numbing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore, I always want to be cognizant of what I am eating...

When I say things are not great lately, I mean they are just so up in the air... I feel like I am just tying to get my feet under me but another thing comes along to add to the pile.  I have some great things happening, I am still losing weight and this week I didn't even put the effort in other than the food part which I followed.  I still managed to lose 1.6 pounds with minimal exercise... I can just imagine what I would have lost if I had put in the effort... Next week I am going exercise since I miss it so much, it is such a great way to get rid of tension... it is a good place to work things out.

I think writing the last few nights have helped me to see a couple of my issues in another light, frankly I have been overwhelmed by a few things which affects other areas of my life.  After writing last night I knew that when I exercised even when I felt this way, I would always feel better for putting forth the effort.  This last week I have had one thing come up after another so I wasn't able to make it out to the gym, those were only excuses though.  I didn't put the effort in, I should have bypassed some of those and just did it... I have that fire back inside.  I am looking forward into getting in some form of exercise tomorrow.

I planned to walk at lunch today but it poured rain, so I will attempt this all again tomorrow.  I am not giving up on myself, I am not sliding backwards.  Life may have just thrown me a dozen loops or more but I am not giving into the stress and allowing myself to ever go back.  I want better, I want more... I deserve more.  My body misses exercise, I miss pushing myself beyond my limits... I remember wondering how people could walk a mile in under 15 minutes... now I do it all the time.  Especially when I am pushing myself, it feels good to get out and get rid of some stress along the way.

I was thinking, I need a friendly little contest or competition, since I am highly competitive it would get me out exercising again.  I will have to come up with some idea in the next day or so, it would be fun to complete again.   I could be at my goal weight for January, the latest February... I am getting excited, I can hardly wait to see how I look when I get there and see how I feel.  Already I feel amazing losing 61 and half pounds and all in five months... I can just imagine how much better I will be feeling once the other 20-25 pounds is gone. 

Time for me to exhale again... I have been holding my breath waiting for the next awful thing to happen... tonight I am going to look for the next good thing and I am going to make good things happen.  I am not going to be defined by my past, I have moved away from that, I have made changes and I have learned a lot of hard lessons.  I have lost a great deal, more than I thought I could handle... I am still here though, still wanting to be better than the day before, isn't that all we can do...