For the past 8 months or more... I have been trying to fill voids in my life. I have tried many different things to fill them, not all that wonderful but I am constantly trying something different. I keep thinking this next thing will be the change I need and yet I still feel so empty.
After being rejected and hurt so much in the last 10 years of my life, I made a commitment to myself that I would not let anyone in my heart again. Somebody snuck in and I didn't realize it till it was too late. Now I try all I can to not allow my heart to hurt again. I have been lying to myself in that I just liked them, I mean where could it go... we seem to be from two different worlds but it was completely obvious to me this week that I had allowed myself to care much more than I should have.
So, instead of being honest, I am sabotaging it before they break my heart... I am doing things that will potentially ruin any chances, all done to try to protect my heart from being broken. I have only had one man in my life that shattered my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. Somehow after many years and I do mean many... I have come out on the other side and survived that very painful loss but now I have strong feelings for someone that I probably shouldn't... it is scary beyond belief and somehow I can't help it. What is is like is almost like watching a train wreck in slow motion, I don't know what it is inside me that makes me not believe that I am worthy of the love that I crave so much.
This is the most honest that I have been with myself for a very long time... it took a friend stating the obvious and me denying it irrationally... for me to really see what I truly felt. Does it make it any less scary? No... the fear is still there but I don't want the fear to control me and own me. I want to be stronger than the fear and take the chance and say why not... I really deserve the best and to have someone that wonderful in my life.
If I want what I am afraid to believe is possible... I will never attain it but if I believe that I am worthy of this person and show the confidence than I will have that in my life. The answer to the question is that I have to believe that anything is possible with hope and love.