I am in for one of the most difficult weeks I have had in a very long time and I am not looking forward to it. I have found myself not being my authentic self, it is like I am floating up and over myself and watching my odd behavior. Wondering where it will all stop or where it will stop! Wondering what it will take for me to get back on track, hmmmm. Or have I taken a wrong path too far to get back to where I know I should be. Why is it so hard to do the right thing, is it because it is so boring? Why do I crave excitement now... why do I need to have so much craziness in my life to make me feel.
I am hoping so much that when this week is over, I will be able to move on and deal with the issues from the past. Maybe then I will be able to find the path that I want to be on. At least I can start to deal with the past and why I have allowed it to own who I am.
I think a lot of the reason is that because someone that I care a great deal for made me think that what happened to me was my fault, if I had just done something one way and not the way that I did, then I would not be in the situation I was in. Deep down, part of me has held that feeling and thought... maybe if I had just done something one way....??? So, I have not dealt with what happened, I have internalized it, especially when they now refuse to speak to me again, like I did something to bring that into my life.
I guess for me to move on I have to understand that sometimes we lose things that are very important to us and that sometimes that is just the way that it is, as sad as that is... I have to let that loss go. Really it will be harder for them in the future when they finally realize what they have done and it will be too late for them to be where they want to be. I have to move forward and that means letting go of the past. I have to be strong in these tough times and do the right thing and not what I want!