Well having five days off did not get me back on track, I have come to rely on other people too much. Instead of just doing things myself, I wait around for people to help and that usually leaves me disappointed and then nothing gets done. Sometimes I feel like people don't really care what you do for them, as long as you do it but these people never want to return the favor. I have come to a conclusion, I just need to stop giving of myself as people are not appreciative.
I realized this weekend that I want more than I have been accepting lately, I thought I could find what I need in my life and I am only finding how empty I feel when I continue to choose what I think I want to only find out that it leaves me feeling more alone. This is my way of handling the disappointments in my life, I keep trying something new... it never seems to help. I need to be honest and true to myself and never give up on what I believe in.
My councillor and my oldest daughter want to know why I have the need to take care of people that I care about, where I want to make things better for the, make them happy. I know I cannot make things better for anyone else but I keep trying, they have to want to make things better for themselves. Even though I know this rationally, I never stop wanting to figure out how to give people what they need.
I don't know when I let myself stop relying on me, probably when I let me ex into my life in 2000. Up until then I looked after myself , I allowed him to take away my identity. I thought when I finally got myself together and got him out of my life that I would gain back control. Instead I have allowed myself to believe everything he ever said to me, why do I do this, why am I not strong enough? Words can hurt so much, more than most people really know.
I also have to write a letter to the ex love of my life, to tell him how he disappointed and hurt me more than anyone else in my life. Mainly because I expected so much more from him and he just walked away and left me to deal with the aftermath of what happened. Not before putting the blame on me for what happened when no woman should ever be made to feel like that. I thought it would be easy to write what I felt, it's a lot harder than I ever believed. Not that I even want him to acknowledged it, I just need him to know... I want him feel what I felt when he just walked out of life just like that. He probably doesn't even care, even though we have known each other for over 24 years.
I really think I have a hard time relying on myself anymore because of the terrible decisions I made when it came to being with my ex and then marrying him, even though my small voice told me it was a mistake. I don't trust that I can make the right decision, if I could, I wouldn't have made the many mistakes I have made when it came to him.
I somehow wish that I could get through this challenge and come out of it stronger than I have ever been. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I try to keep it positive but it's not very easy. One day, hopefully in the very near future I will have made it through this and have what I have always wanted.