I had an epiphany after talking to my oldest daughter tonight, she is wise beyond her years. We somehow started talking about prayer and how she knew Heavenly Father wanted to hear from her no matter what anyone thought, I agreed, but that I felt that He was disappointed in me. She spoke right up and said He might be disappointed but He wants to hear from you, he loves you no matter what. I realized how I missed knowing that, for such a long time, I have been lost and living my life different than what I knew before.
So, I am going to take my daughter's words of wisdom and just pray, explain that I might not be ready to just change my life around but that I still wanted to talk to Him too. I feel good already. I had a pretty rough week, I wanted to blog all week but craziness was getting in the way, Monday I was beyond ill and had to leave work, I slept for 13 hours. Tuesday I was off sick, nothing accomplished, Wednesday was insane at work, zapped my energy, Thursday was a good day when I was able to have a light bulb moment except that work was crazy again. Lastly today, was good just because I am taking 4 days off.
I have a lot of decisions to make, I am taking the next 4 days to get back on tract. What I mean by that is one taking action to lose weight, two to get my house organized (which I have already started, 6 hours last Saturday and I totally de-cluttered my bedroom of so much junk ;) and three to continue to find my voice and believe that I am of worth. That last one is the hardest one of all, since I allowed Andrey to take my worth by allowing him to demean me with words, then letting the little pushes be okay, the endless cheating, the fear when he was drinking. It feels good to be strong again and to feel in control, I am grateful that I am at least beginning to feel some worth. I aspire to feel full worth.