The only thing that matters now is my mission. Nothing will stand in the way anymore.
Relaxing and stretching for the last two days has really helped to rejuvenate my legs... as well I have had a few people inbox me with great suggestions that I am going to try. I am trying everything possible not to plateau for the next couple of weeks as I know that it is inevitable... I am not living in LuLu land as I know some people think I am... I know that I will have times that will be frustrating but I am in this for the long haul... this is a lifestyle change not a quick diet to get me to a certain weight. I don't even think I have a weight in mind anymore, I just want to feel healthy... I want to like my look in the mirror and lately I am really liking what I am seeing.
What I wanted to write about today came from a lesson I heard at church today, it was about forgiveness which I feel is essential to all of us. I have heard people say I cannot forgive this person for whatever wrong they did and I feel sorry for them... because forgiveness isn't saying that it is okay what someone did to you, nor is it saying you have to let that person back into your life... it is saying that you are letting it go so that it frees you and it shows love. Don't all of us want more love in our lives? I know that I do... I want to feel true forgiveness for other people who have hurt me in someway as I don't want them to have any power over me.
Does he feel sorry, I don't know and truthfully I don't care anymore. None of it matters, what matters is that I came through that and I didn't let it destroy me... I allowed myself to love and be loved because for a long time I let that night control my actions and I didn't love myself, I allowed myself to be used... trying to fill up how empty I felt inside. It wasn't until I was willing to forgive Andrey for raping me that I saw my worth and I wanted more for myself. Forgiving him, helped me to love myself and allowed me to love David... I cannot explain it well enough but truthfully forgiving each other shows love. Every last one of us makes mistakes, wouldn't you want to be forgiven for that? Do you want to live with that pain for the rest of your life? Well I don't, I like being free, I don't want anyone being in control of me... forgiving him helped me to be free.
I know that message in the lesson was for me as I have been thinking about my David and I realized that I needed to forgive him too... what do I need to forgive him for...? I need to forgive him for letting me fall in love with him when he was not ready, looking back now I can see that it just wasn't a good time, he was still wrapped up in his previous relationship. Of course he was still involved emotionally, it was only five months since he had broken up a long term relationship and I know now that it takes so much longer to get past that... I was ready for real love, David was not because he had to come to terms with his past relationship.
I know that some people, actually many people think that I am losing this weight for David, not at all. I am losing this for me, I am getting healthy for me... I wanted to stop all the excuses I had, the ones where I said I don't have time to exercise, I can't give up certain foods or I can't change certain behaviors. In nine weeks I have proven all those things to be excuses, I can exercise, I can give up food that is unhealthy and has no redeeming qualities about it, I can change my behavior in ways such as not thinking I am deprived. Changing my lifestyle was something I was ready for, something that gives me joy and something that is making great changes in my life.
A small part of me wants to look extremely good when I go to Alberta, I want to walk off that plane and I want to shock David, I like shocking people... even myself... I love seeing all the changes in me... But I am not losing any of this weight for David, losing the weight is not going to make him love me. If I thought that for one moment, I would just end up with disappointment and then I would come home and put all the weight back on. I want to see him so that we can talk, face to face... I want to be able to hug him, I felt safe in his arms and I want him to know that I care about him no matter what.
Above all I want to learn to forgive myself, I want to show love to myself... if anything I am harder on me than I am on anyone else in my life... I deserve forgiveness as much as anyone else in my life deserves it... Actually if I cannot forgive myself, how do I ever expect anyone else to forgive me for my poor choices or mistakes? Don't we all deserve that? Don't you?
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥