Overcoming Trials With New Dreams

I never have a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and the words pour out of me, then I go back and fix up thoughts, add or delete things... this last week zapped my thoughts. It seemed like there had been one thing after another bringing me down.

First I'm overwhelmed at work, there is a great deal of changes happening... not all good, it's causing me a great deal of anxiety. Second I was walking and near the third mile I suddenly felt a pain... I thought all I would need to do was keep persevering ... then I injured it more. Third, with all the stress I've been out of control with my food.

I'm totally frustrated that everything seems like it is out of control... for the longest I time felt gratitude that I was able to exercise... I was feeling stronger and in control of my health. I kept thinking that no matter how many challenges or trials I have, I could walk the stress off. Then I injured myself and I am trying to figure out another way to de-stress, instead I am feeling completely overwhelmed... I hear myself saying Why me? Haven't I had enough challenges? Where is my break?

Then I feel guilty for thinking this way when I know there are many people without a job that would be grateful to have mine... there are people unable to walk, let alone exercise... and there are people going through bigger challenges than I am. Yet I felt despondent with having one stressful thing after another this past couple of weeks. I don't enjoy feeling this way. So, I started reading older blog posts that I had written and saw how far I have come, how much I've changed.

Although I don't feel excited about any of the trials I have, I do have hope that if I can get through ten years of child abuse, being a young single mother at eighteen, an emotionally abusive marriage, then being raped by Andrey... and losing David as my very best friend...

Surely I can deal with a stressful job, a physical injury and having to change the dreams I had for myself to different dreams. That's what life is about, making new and better dreams by overcoming trials...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Time For Me To Learn The Lesson

Before I start to write my thoughts today, I want to thank each of your for the kind and honest comments over the years. I have been incredibly grateful for having this form to get my thoughts out, whether they have been daily or weekly... whatever it was that I needed at the time. I love the blog community I am in, so much so that I have a great desire to meet so many of you... I believe one day that will be possible.

Saying all this... I have been thinking about not writing here, at least not where I publish it for anyone to read for a while. Why? Well when I started this blog in 2009 it was to deal with the aftermath of being raped by my ex husband, I had lost my voice in that relationship and I needed to write what I was feeling inside. I had changed a great deal in my marriage... I tolerated behavior that today I would never accept.  I didn't write a great deal for the first three years...my blog was more of a personal diary that a few people read which I didn't promote. It helped me just to get my thoughts out... then my life took a huge turn at the end on 2011.

David, the man I'd always had a crush on became interested in me, I was over the moon... I cannot begin to explain how joyful I felt. I had a permanent smile and I believed in us, there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be together. We had even discussed marriage, he came home for Christmas and it was amazing. However, he went home and in the new year he had a change of heart and I started writing almost daily to be able to handle the pain of losing us. It helped and I was working through a lot of the emotions, I had even got my head wrapped around eating healthy and exercising... I began to change my life for the good in the Summer of 2013.

Then that fateful day in September 2013 happened and I was changed permanently. I stopped sleeping and depression took over, I wondered if I would ever feel good or believe in anything again. I exercised even more... I started writing weekly and I found it was what I needed and all that I had time for... I came through most of that pain and found a way to move on... they were two of the most tumultuous years I had ever had to deal with... pain brings a growth that nothing else can.

Lately I wonder why I've continued to write? I'm not even sure I have the answer... part of me thought it was helping me but then I realized last week that I've been recycling my thoughts and not really learning from them, isn't that what writing a personal blog is about? Learning and then changing? I know that sometimes we learn a concept and a year later, we learn more about that concept. However; I feel like I am relearning the same concept over and over... 

I am going to take some time, real time to decide if I want to continue writing here, if I feel like writing can change me for the better I will be back. Until then I will continue to write for me because I need that... if any of you want to stay in contact with me, feel free to add yourself to my Facebook Launna Krivousov - Twitter @LaWannish - Instagram @launnak or Google+ Launna Krivousov. I love staying connected through social media. Also, although I will miss all your blogs I am taking time away from them too... I need to make some changes in my personal life as I have been feeling like I was spiraling out of control... I need to focus on me and Valentina... and hopefully learn the lesson...

I do know that I will be back to read and follow your blog posts after I have taken some time to get my life under control, I will miss you all a great deal, especially all of you who leave me such beautiful and heartfelt comments.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Gratitude For What I Have And What I Lost

Sometimes it seems like I never have enough time in the day, between working, walking and having a little down time... I have a desire to write but it always gets put on the back burner for other things. When I first started really writing in early 2012, I wrote nearly everyday and I did this for almost 2 years of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I did that but it was something I needed to do to heal my heart, that is what writing does for me.

I rarely go back and read those posts I wrote a few years ago because they were raw and bring back memories of a time I believed in dreams that never came to pass... I read a couple of them this week and although they were very sad at times I also saw that I have grown more than I ever thought I was capable of... There were days back then where I wondered how I would or could make it through. Days I was sure that my life would never get to a point where I could ever believe in anything again. 

I had a couple of defining moments, one was when I finally decided I was tired of the excuses as to why I could not lose weight ... for the first time in my life I shelved every single one of them and put my whole heart and soul into me... I believed in myself, I saw my successes and each day I begin to know more and more that I could and would succeed. The second was losing 'him', I cannot even convey the pain I dealt with... words could not describe it... although I still miss 'him' I gained closure that I was unsure I would ever find.

I even think one day I will know why I had to go through that loss, there has to be a bigger reason, I will get the a ha moment out of the blue and smile to myself and think... that was why. Until then I rarely let myself think about 'him' or the past ... he pops in and out of my mind but I don't let 'him' reside there for too long. Usually I get up and go out for a long walk... it clears my mind and I gain focus again. One thing I learned is that although you can have a best friend as we were, you can only rely on yourself, people change. 

This is a difficult weekend for me as it is the anniversary of the fire where I was burned so badly at 15 months old and where my sister died... that catastrophic event changed my families life and challenged us all. Even though we lost so much that day, I still work on finding gratitude for what I have and what I lost... I survived and I thrived... 

Yesterday I went for a long walk, part of me was trying to convince myself that first I could skip a day and then second I only needed to do a couple of miles but I didn't listen to that part, I walked for almost 6 miles and I felt gratitude that I didn't give up, I pushed myself even though part of me didn't believe I could... It was an accomplishment that showed me, each day I wake up and make a choice to be better than I was the day before, I fought against all the odds and became a strong person who refuses to give up.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Dating With Self Esteem

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

First I am not sure why I decided to start dating... a spur of the moment thing... lack of sleep... insanity...a little of all three. I think it's stupid for me to date when I'm still in love with my David... I wish I wasn't but I am..

I've only been out there for less then a week... I want to say what kind of freaks are out there?... Geesh... The first guy with no picture who started talking to me, after 30 minutes he is asking me to go to his cabin on Friday night... yeah.. NO! (Psycho)   The second guy I talked to for 30 minutes gave me his phone number... Really??? He didn't get mine. (Desperate)  How about the third guy who wanted me to call him, when I said no, he said if you don't me call tonight, we will never talk again... Okay...  I said, let me make this easy for you, we can stop talking right now (Controlling).  Oh and my personal favorite, the guy who offered to send me pictures of his body parts... Yeah...NO... I did not give him my email. (He needs a hobby and a life)

I had to say a few times to guys, do you all have nothing better to talk about?  I was purely going on this site to date, go out for a walk, dance, dinner, sporting events... something fun.  Let's not forget to mention all the men who put pictures up...who should not have... I am not all about the physical but some of these were just scary WOW!! ... Oh yes and the married men, looking for a fling... Get divorced, oh and we still won't talk. If this is a sampling of what is out there and what is to come.... I'm passing on it. All I can say is I have my full self esteem... I'm not desperate... I'm not interested in losers who are A) married  B) unemployed and or C) not interested in changing themselves.... Get a life and don't get back to me.

I have a busy full life, I work.. I'm a mama, I exercise, I blog.... I do not spend a lot of time watching TV... or playing games on the internet. Now I'm going to start my book too.. .. I actually know I don't have time to date... I am finished with the foolishness.  I decided that I need to take a break away from dating, from social media and from blogging.  I need to get some priorities straight....

1)  I need to organize my exercise better, I want to get to my goal weight by February, this includes starting strength training.  This means I have to give up other things to get myself in the best shape possible.

2) I need to move, I do not want to be living in this place at the beginning of 2014.  This means I have to really start looking, going to see places.  Then de cluttering my place some more .

3) I want to start the outline of my book, if I don't put it as top importance, I will never get started.

I have been taking Zumba, plus swimming and still walking a bit... I need to make exercise one of the top priorities, it will be more difficult to take off the last 30 pounds I want to lose than it was the first 58 that I have lost.  Plus I do not want to ever go back to the way I ate or lived my life, that is the trap that often happens. People seem to be able to lose the weight but don't maintain it because they don't keep the changes in their lifestyle, this is how I want to live forever.

If anyone wants to contact me, I will still be checking my email tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com  Please feel free to drop me a line, I would love to hear from you.  I am deleting my apps off my phone for a while, I can always re download them when I am ready. I really just need to get my head and heart into a better place... I have been off center for a long time.  I know this will be good for me to really focus on a few things I need to complete... then I can come back refreshed.  I will miss every single blog I read and comment on... I know I will be able to catch up when I get back... I am not sure how long I will be gone, a little longer than I normally go for but I really need to make some changes.  I hope you all understand and come back once I am posting again... I am hoping I will be down under 200 by the time I get back, I will do a post on it, to catch you up...

My Promise To You

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I've been thinking about our promise

The one where we would always be there for each other

I'll never break mine, not today, not tomorrow

Although our paths have separated

It will never be broken for me

Nothing can change my promise to you

Thinking how we've been there for each other

Thinking how I'll always be there for you

Nothing could change that, nothing at all

If tomorrow you reached out and needed me

I wouldn't think twice, I would be right there

I trust that you will always be there for me too

No More Hiding Behind The Weight

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I have a question for all my blogger friends who have actually written a book and had it published.  Believe me I know it must have been quite the endeavor to do this ... ever since I have taken back my life with exercising and eating healthy, I have had many people in my life tell me how I need to write about it... I scoffed at them, as truly how many people have written weight loss books or how they finally got to the weight they desired?  More and more I have been thinking that maybe they are right, maybe it is time for me to sit down, compile a book of my journey?  I have everything documented either through my blog, my Facebook, My Fitness Pal or Map My Walk... nothing is all in one place.

I guess I wonder how viable it would be to sit down and put this all together in one place, starting from what actually got me started to what keeps me on this path?  I have had many people comment on how determined I am, I have always been determined... I just never channeled it in the right direction or the right places.  I allowed life issues to take over and I allowed myself to use one excuse after the other to not be the best I could actually be.  Maybe out of fear, I don't know... maybe writing the book whether it gets published or not might answer those questions for me.

All I know is that lately I can't scoff at it as easily as I did in the past, sometimes I will be laying in bed and I have written a chapter in my head just like that.. I even have chapter headings and a possible title.  I have always wanted to write, it has been a desire of mine since I was a little girl.  Unfortunately I allowed other people to define me and I let circumstances in my life make me feel less than I was... Even I can see that I have massive determination when I put my mind to it... people can have a food I used to love to eat and I don't feel like eating it, not in the least.  I feel like I want to be healthy and strong over anything else, I do not feel deprived.

I have overcome a fire that burned me and broke my family apart, I have come through childhood abuse by my ex step mother Ruth, I overcame being a young single mother raising my oldest daughter on assistance, I became stronger after all the abuse Andrey heaped on me in our marriage and the rape after we were separated and I survived losing the love of my life my David.  These are all defining moments that could have taken me down and led me to a path of self destruction but I found the strength to come through each of these and even at my lowest after losing my David romantically I found the desire to finally pull out the strength to get my life on track.

Nearly a year and a half after the break up I dug down deep and finally started my weight loss journey, with every pound I lost I started finding myself more.  I never realized how much I had hid myself behind the weight.  As much as I hated the weight, it was my way of keeping me from growing to my potential as the more I lost the more I realized I had nothing to hide behind anymore.  It was kind of scary since I had given up all the other things I did to hide behind too... I had a plan, a goal of sorts and that came crashing down around me a few weeks ago too, still I stayed with exercising and eating healthy.  I can no longer hide anywhere, as each day moves on from the other, I realize I don't want to hide anymore...

Truthfully, if I can get through all of these things that I did, I can lose the weight and become the best me... Now to write the book, if anything it might answer questions for me...

Some Decisions Are Challenges That End Up Being Defining Moments

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Well, I made it out to Zumba finally, I had a great time... I knew nothing about what I was doing.  Valentina was telling me I was the worst, I just laughed... I will be one of the best before I know it.. I am like that, when I take something on, I give it my all.  I will be there two nights per week and I will learn all the moves. I am also going to go swimming tomorrow, I kept telling Valentina I would do this when I lost some more weight but I finally told her that we will be going tomorrow as I don't want her having body issues and thinking she cannot go swimming. I used to love to swim and I gave it up but I am going to treat it like Zumba and go and just have fun.

I have also decided that although I LOVE to comment on all the blogs I follow, I will have to slow down a little.  I will continue to read everybody's blog I follow because I adore all of you.  I will still comment but it most likely won't be on every single post.  This will be the most difficult for me as I LOVE to comment.  I promise that I will comment as much as I can but lately I am getting pulled in 50 different directions and I feel like something has to give.  I get so much enjoyment from reading all of your posts ... so I could never give you up.  I hope you all understand...

Everyone and I mean everyone is commenting on how small I am getting... yes I have lost a great deal of weight and I do see it, I still have almost 35 pounds left to lose.  I have had a really difficult incident happen in the past couple of weeks and I am dealing with it the best way I can, which means I am really not dealing with it all that great as I am not sleeping... I went to my doctors and she gave me a mild sleeping pill... that did not work.  She then gave me something a little stronger... I took half and slept a little better.  My mind won't shut down about this issue, I keep going over and over it in my mind.  I feel so much about it, sad... disappointed, frustrated... angry... the list could go on.  So someone said to me that they could not believe how I am continuing with eating healthy and exercising.

I told them that this is something I am good at... besides I have to figure out other ways to deal with the stress and it should not be putting that food into my system as I feel great with what I am  eating for the past almost 4 months.  Then another friend stated a truth... she said... this is something I can control. With my life spinning out of control, eating healthy and exercising is something I have control over.   I enjoy the way I think about what I eat before I eat it, I like that I think how my body deserves to have some sort of exercise daily as much as possible...

What I don't like is how out of control things in my life have spun more and more out of control.  It has got to the point that I don't feel comfortable talking to everyone about it, I know they will say what they think will help... I can guarantee you it won't help.  What will help is not what I can have right now, luckily I have a few people that I can vent, cry or just talk with... I suddenly thought about possibly dating again, I don't know that anyone could get through the iron shield I have up, I just thought it might be good to go to dinner, a movie, the gym... a walk.  Something other than just me exercising, I need to incorporate a little fun into my life...

A big part of me is not sure it is a good idea but I have held back from dating because no matter how hard I tried to get over my David, I couldn't... I still can't... maybe I just need to try to have a little fun, I am completely positive that I don't want to get involved in anything heavy, just a little dating where I get out of the house and do something other that walk the track at the gym.. or he could go with me.  Anything to get out of the bubble I have my life in right now.  Basically I work, blog, follow blogs, exercise, sleep (and I do very little of the sleep).  That is just existing and not living ... It is time for me to open up my life and do something a little different. I am apologizing to all men up front, I won't be easy to get through to, I am not looking for the great romance of my life, I had that with my David.... I am just looking to relax and have fun.

The last thing I wanted to bring up was that a woman named Kenya G Johnson from Here's The Thing asked if the the tag line on my blog were my words... I said yes as I remember someone telling me I should have a tag line... I had a quote for a really long time and then I was inspired to put the latest tag line there. She thoughtfully made me the cutest pictures with my tag line which is below.  I was SO incredibly touched and I felt very special.  Drop over and check out her blog if you have a moment, she is a real sweet heart.

The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.

Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Me Before And After

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I promised myself that once I had lost enough weight that I noticed it... not someone else.. me...that I would do a blog post of my before and after.  I had many people coming up to me in the past while talking about how much weight I had lost.  They were right, it was a lot... To date, I have lost 53 pounds in 15 weeks... I will tell you this, last week when I had to deal with one of the most devastating things I have dealt with, I lost a little more weight than I should have... that happens when I don't eat properly, I don't sleep very much, I have actually had this happen to me in the past; when I have had very difficult circumstances in my life.  I will say this only once and I will then leave it in the past, last Monday was an extremely hard and sad day for me, harder than any other day I have ever had to deal with...

I am going forward though, it isn't going to be easy... each day is hard, really hard... the kind where I want to pull the blanket up over my head and say forget it, I am done... I just don't want to do this anymore... but everything is telling me that it isn't done... this is a blip... this is just a plot twist... What I mean is that when I took the time to sit down, really talk this over with a very good friend (no not my David... he is very busy still healing, he needs all his energy for that) but another friend who is very understanding as well... she opened my eyes and reminded me that everything is not as it seems just because it is on the surface... Monday is similar to a plot twist in a movie, unfortunately it is in my life and if I can remember that, that is all that it is... that truthfully, when it is all said and done, everything will be as it should be.  Some things were meant to be and somethings were meant to be tested to see how much we really want them.

Anyhow I decided that today was the day that I would share my before and after... I can see it, I can see the change... With this, it has only spurred me on to continue on this path... I feel like I am finally accomplishing what I have always said I wanted to but never did anything about.  Finally I am putting me first... One of my favorite bloggers is going to do a post about me and I am truly honored that she would want to... so for my post I am not going into any great detail as I know she will want to write about that side of it... I am just here to say that since I can see it, I wanted to finally share it... I still have a ways to go but I will get there, I am committed 100%, if I take a day, I get right back... I am motivated beyond what I ever thought possible when I started my journey. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.

It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.

My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Loss Versus Gain

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

When I feel the need to write, I rarely come up with the title of the post first but today as I was logging in to start reading the blogs I follow... I suddenly thought I need to write about loss versus gains.  As of yesterday, it has been 14 weeks since I started my journey of investing and believing in myself and to date I have lost lost 45 pounds.  I know some people fear it is a lot of weight to lose in a short amount of time, however; people really shouldn't worry, I keep in close contact with my doctor.   There were many times over the years that I would join Weight Watchers and in six months I would lose 60 pounds, just from eating healthy... this time I am using Fitness Pal which is my Weight Watchers without the cost.  I just need to be accountable somewhere about my food... this helps me to be successful.

The difference with the losses I have had in the past is that I never incorporated exercise into the mix... and not just exercising once or twice a week, I mean exercising four to six times per week.  Especially since I am 50 years old, I really had to drastically change my life... the weight was not going to come off by just eating a little better and exercising once or twice a week... I had to change my life totally... a complete 180 degree turn.  I know, everyone is saying, isn't that difficult?  You bet it was, this change has probably been one of the biggest and hardest changes in my life but I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels to take control of your own life.  Also, I am diversifying with my walking by starting up Zumba and Yoga eventually (once my knees can handle holding the poses).

I started at the Canada Games Center last night... it was great once I got into it.. first I had to sign up, pay, get my picture taken (eww), which cut into my exercise time.  Then we finally got into get changed, I had brought the wrong exercise pants (I picked up Valentina's by mistake... we both have black leggings and of course I do not fit into hers...)  Then I thought oh well, I will just walk in my jeans...  I then went to lock everything up and the lock I had bought was too big and would not fit.  I became frustrated and thought forget this... I took all of our items out and decided to sit outside the pool to wait for Valentina.  Someone at the front desk noticed I was frustrated and took the time to find out why, they advised I could borrow one of their locks for the evening.  So, off I went walking... it was beyond hot on the track and much different than I am used to from walking outside. I will remember my exercise pants in the future... I flew around the track, lap after lap, listening to music... thinking about somethings that have had my mind in a tizzy lately.

I have to say 30 minutes on the track felt like an hour long walk outside, I am going to have to dig deeper than I have ever dug in my life to make my gym experience successful.  When I am walking outside, I just walk a fair distance from my house and I have no choice but to walk back to it... there is no stopping in the middle.  If I want to get home, I have to walk home... with the track, I have to force myself to keep doing laps, I need to find something deep inside myself that won't allow myself to give up... just because I hit 30 minutes.  I know I can walk for 50 or 60 minutes, I have done this regularly and I have done it quite quickly... My 5K is coming up in a couple of weekends and I really need to make sure I am waking a 5K regularly so that I will do well when I participate.

So, loss versus gain, after talking with my David last night, this came to mind... I have lost a great deal of weight and I have gained a great deal of confidence.  I told my David last night that he lost a great deal by losing me, I put a little hehe after it but I was very serious.  He agreed but I don't think he realizes how much he has lost... one day it will come to him.  We talked about how close we are, how much we laugh together, how we can say anything to each other, how nothing is off limits. I also brought up the fact that it had been really hard and painful to get to this point in our relationship, how sometimes I felt it might not be worth it but that today I was grateful that we had made it through.  He said that is what friends do for each other... then I said to him, I don't think you understand that most people who date as intensely as we dated, make it back to the friendship stage.  However; I did tell him that I was grateful that we were different and special enough to each other that we didn't give up.

For there were many times over the past year and a half that I thought I just couldn't do it... luckily we do love each other, not in the same way... but there is definite love between us and there is total respect.  No one gets me like he does ... neither one of us trusts anyone as much as we trust each other.  I think of us as soul mates, we are like each others second halves... it's not that we are not whole on our own because I think we are, we just compliment each other, we understand and get each other. I just needed to learn my worth to realize that although I lost David romantically... he lost much more by letting me go.  I have come to that point in my life where I have gained so much confidence that I won't settle, just to be with someone... I don't feel it is worth it just to date someone.  Some guy would have to come along and be so special and prove that he was worth taking a chance on... there are not many of those guys around the older I get.... Oh well, I am not worried about it, it just isn't important anymore.

I have lost a great deal of weight but truthfully I have gained more than I ever thought I would with finally believing my worth.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Taking Time For Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I know it has been sometime, I have been taking time for me, first and foremost I have not had a panic attack since Saturday night, I am hoping they are behind me... I really think a lot of it had to do with worrying about my David and lack of sleep... David seems to be getting a little better everyday and I have been getting to bed at a ridiculously early time the past few nights... yesterday my head hit the pillow by 8:30 pm.  With all this going on, I have not been exercising as much as I like, I am getting back to that tomorrow and then I am officially joining The Canada Games Center on Friday, I am beyond thrilled about that.  I went up for the official tour with Valentina on Monday and I fell in love with the place.  It has every imaginable activity for me to get involved with... I love the walking/running track and I can take Zumba twice a week for sure, maybe even more... Valentina is especially thrilled about being able to swim so much.

Also, I have been trying to catch up on all the blogs I follow and that has been no easy feat to say the least. Some of the blogs I follow didn't get comments, especially if there was more than one entry, due to the fact that I would never be able to catch up otherwise but I did read everyone's posts.  I wanted to comment as I am the girl who LOVES to comment... I like people to know I was there, reading it and how they touched me.  However; I will have to give myself a break and understand it is not always possible to comment on every single post that is written, I do have to work and be a mama as well. I hope you all understand and I will try not to let them build up again, life takes over occasionally.

So, today I decided to wear a dress to work, I rarely do that, mainly because I walk a fair distance usually and I don't like being all dressed up and sweaty... today I took the bus.  I was pleasantly surprised by all the comments if not slightly embarrassed.  I do like to look nice but because I exercise so much I rarely do anything more than put a pony tail in my hair and apply a little lipstick... which never stays on for long.  Once I am going to the center every evening, I have decided that I am going to take the bus in the morning so that I can do my hair, wear a little make up, and besides I will be carrying all my gym items as I plan to stay on the bus after work and go out there directly every night.

This way both Valentina and I will get to exercise together and I won't be taking more time away from her... I will be able to relax a little more in the morning and not run out the door at 6:15 am.  I am looking forward to having a little more time where I am not feeling so rushed.  Besides winter is just around the corner and I want to make sure that she and I are in a good groove when the bad weather hits.  I still plan to walk a little here and there, especially as long as the streets are clear of snow and ice but I won't be at the mercy of the weather anymore and that will be wonderful.

I have to say something, I am getting the most confusing and mixed up messages that I have ever had in my life. Lately all I have been doing is trying to decipher what is going on, it is like hot and cold... have you ever been in that situation?  I sometimes have no idea if I am coming or going, not sure which is up or which is down? The answer lies in asking some questions, getting some clarity but how do I get that when I am not the one that can give the answers and the answers don't seem to be forthcoming?  It's almost as if the confusion lies with them too... All I know is my head is spinning and frankly I will need to focus on myself for awhile... Hopefully this situation will resolve itself in time.... I know it will eventually, this can only go on for so long before I end up taking matters into my own hands and requesting some real answers... The kind that skirting around them won't work eventually...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Panic Attacks?

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I'm not sure what is wrong... I have had three panic attacks in less than a week.. I might have had three panic attacks in my whole life before that...

The first one came on the day of David's surgery... I can understand this one, my David was not able to text me for a little over eight hours after the surgery and I was scared that something had happened while he was under... but when he messaged me I relaxed, I thought that was the end of it...

Friday rolled around and I had one at work, I thought I was going to have to leave... I even started to cry. Thankfully it wasn't busy and I was able get my breathing back under control. I wondered why I had one again, David was fine, we had talked the night before. I was actually happy and relaxed.

The third one happened Saturday night in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4 am and I was having one in a dream that I continued with when I woke up.. I did not actually go back to sleep... I dozed... I get up at a decent hour and prepared myself to go to church, I was all dressed and ready to leave when I went to the washroom and the toilet overflowed... that was it for me, I crawled back in bed...  All day Sunday I laid in bed, not wanting to move, wondering if another panic attack would hit.

I did finally relax enough to get up, I took Valentina to a friends house so that I could go for a long walk.  I thought it would be good to get some of the energy out, which I hoped would really help me relax enough to sleep... Especially since I had been unable to get any exercise the previous two days due to the weather... I was ready for sleep Sunday night.. I laid there and hoped I could get through the night without another panic attack. There's nothing really stressing in my life... nothing more than usual. Something must be weighing on my mind that maybe I'm not aware of? I would rather deal with it head on than deal with it this way, where it paralyzes me.

Unfortunately if I don't know what it is that is causing it... I can't really deal with it... which makes me want to figure it out as quickly as I can, so that it won't cause anymore debilitating incidences. I can't keep having them and not try to figure out what is bringing them on... I don't want them to become daily occurrences. Luckily I didn't have another one last night but I did wake up at 3 am and I was unable to fall back to sleep, which will make for a very long day.

Also, just a quick update on my weight loss journey, on my 13th week, I was down a total of 42 pounds and still going down. I still weigh in on Friday's at work as I like to get weighed on the same scale to see my weight loss from the beginning. I also get weighed in on Monday mornings on my own scale as my sister and I are still on the journey to see who will lose 10% of their body weight first and we started on a holiday when I was unable to weigh in at work.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥