That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.
I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.
I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.
With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have...
I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.
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