I spent most of this weekend just thinking about things, so many things my mind raced with images. I wondered how I ended up where I am now when I used to have so many wonderful things in my life. Yet I have done things that are not me because I have not been able to come to terms with what I had to deal with. Councilors act like it is normal to act out, I don't know how this can be good., I am usually busy all weekend, keeping is contact with all my friends but this weekend I just spent time with me and then a day with Valentina,. It has been a tough week for both her an me with my hurting my back and not being able to look after her.
I also found out how some people think about me when they don't know that I might find out. It is so nice to know that I can be disregarded so easily. Other friends have been there and never given up on me, I appreciate them all so much.
I am a kind, loving, intelligent and fun person, I am never going to let anyone make me believe less of myself. I try hard to always be good to people that come into my life and yet I have not had the same favor in return. I honestly believe it is because I care too much and give way too much of my heart out. I only do this because I have been in love one time in my life. I know how wonderful it is, I know the joy it can bring and bonding. I have longed for that since I lost that love. I thought the only way that I could get that back was to be with him but that was not to be, what I was meant to do was open my heart to another. I finally did but I think I did it too late. I could not believe someone so wonderful could care for me too. When I finally realized it, I think it was too late, which is sad to me.
So now I have to get myself together and go back to getting to know people again. I just want to be strong enough as rejection takes alot out of me, it is emotionally hard to offer my feelings to another person, to have them ignored or rejected. A heart can only handle so much but I definitely need to move on.
I am hoping that I can work back to where I was 2 years ago before all this happened, I wonder how my life would be different. If I could have one wish in my life it would be to erase that night, it is my fondest desires. I lost so much that night and I am finally working on getting some of that back.
I am really hoping there will be a resolution and that I will learn to live with that night and move on maybe even fall in love. It cannot be too late for me, I would be wonderful to the right man and treat him like a king. He would know that he was loved, he wouldn't have to wonder.
Well one thing at a time, I am not going to overwhelm myself, like I usually do. I am just going to work at a good pace. Everything will come together, I will be back to where I want to be in record time.
The Past, Present and Future
The past, something I thought I had conquered and overcome... do we ever really overcome it. I think it's always there lurking ready to remind us where we have come from.
People say that the present is the only thing that we need to worry about... that there is nothing else. If that is true, how come no matter how we try to overcome the past, where we have come from, it is still there. Reminding us that we have come far but not far enough. It reminds us of all the mistakes we have made that got us to where we are today.It reminds us of what we have lost and can't get back. It reminds us that we are human and that no matter what we think now our past always reminds us where we have been.
The future is just memories waiting to be created. I was hoping that somehow... they would be good ones, with better outcomes. Maybe some people are not meant to have the good outcomes. I wanted to somehow believe that I could overcome everything that held me back.
Now I just don't know anymore... it seems the harder I try the more obstacles come my way. Obstacles that seem insurmountable, I want to believe that I am strong enough but I haven't seen that lately, where is that girl, the one that is positive and optimistic. Could all of that been taken away on one night? Am I never going to get her back? I want to win and succeed, I just don't know how to do it from here.
I can't let one night destroy me... if I do... he wins. But how do I win?
People say that the present is the only thing that we need to worry about... that there is nothing else. If that is true, how come no matter how we try to overcome the past, where we have come from, it is still there. Reminding us that we have come far but not far enough. It reminds us of all the mistakes we have made that got us to where we are today.It reminds us of what we have lost and can't get back. It reminds us that we are human and that no matter what we think now our past always reminds us where we have been.
The future is just memories waiting to be created. I was hoping that somehow... they would be good ones, with better outcomes. Maybe some people are not meant to have the good outcomes. I wanted to somehow believe that I could overcome everything that held me back.
Now I just don't know anymore... it seems the harder I try the more obstacles come my way. Obstacles that seem insurmountable, I want to believe that I am strong enough but I haven't seen that lately, where is that girl, the one that is positive and optimistic. Could all of that been taken away on one night? Am I never going to get her back? I want to win and succeed, I just don't know how to do it from here.
I can't let one night destroy me... if I do... he wins. But how do I win?
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