Awake early on my day off, just thinking. I have actually slept for the last couple of nights, the cool night air helps a lot. My mind races a lot though, even when I am sleeping, I need to figure out a way to turn it off or I will never get another rested night. I try so hard to just drift off to sleep without thinking about certain things and yet I dream about it:( How do I make my mind have patience? I guess if I figure that out, I will be able to sleep.
I was thinking how everyone says they are not a game player but then they play games. I know we all do it to a degree but most people try not to hurt another person, then there are huge game players that actually have an agenda to see you hurt. For whatever reason, it's a turn on to them. For me, hurting another person does not bring me joy or happiness. I only want to make people that I care about feel better, feel loved and I don't understand why other people find joy in hurting another person.
Sometimes for a moment, I am not always sure about what I want, it's only because it is not going to be easy to make it happen. Because it will take a little longer, it's hard to stay positive every moment. Most days I succeed and so I guess they out weigh the days that are harder to believe. It has taken me a long time to get to the point that I am at where I finally believe that I deserve what I want.
Well, I have busy day ahead of me, too bad I just couldn't relax all day, then back to work tomorrow. At least it is a short week then off for two more days;)
Living without power, internet and what I want more than anything ;)
What a crazy weekend, between the tropical storm and lack of power for 24 hours. I realize more now than ever that I NEVER would have survived in the era of no power. I don't even want to know how people survived it.
I missed blogging so much, my computer was out of commission for 5 days, I wanted to be able to blog and I couldn't, way to hard on a Blackberry :( Thankfully Eastlink only had my modem number mixed up, all fixed now... of course the guy who came from Eastlink to fix my cable had to have that name. Jeez, no matter how hard I try not to think about him, there he is.
When did I let this happen to myself, when did I let myself feel again. I thought I was smarter than that, haven't I had enough disappointment when it comes to men? Apparently not, instead I let myself feel way more than I should have. I am just not one of those people that cares half way, I either care completely or I don't care at all.
My councillor wants to know why I choose men that are emotionally unavailable to me? I don't even have an answer for that! I spent or should I say I wasted 23 years of my life loving one guy who I was sure was the love of my life but he proved he was never worth my time. He let me down in my greatest time of need and I was lost for a very long time. Then I met someone that I honestly never thought that I could care about but the more that I knew him, the more that I cared. I just want to be there for him, show him that he is so worth it. I just wish he knew what I knew.
So, I've been eating really well for the past 5 months, longer than I ever have in my life and I am loving it, what I really need to do now is exercise... I am really hoping that I will be 9-5 at my job by the end of this month than I can start working out after work for at least 45 minutes. Then I can really start seeing a difference in my weight. I have seen some change but I really have to put in the effort to see the big changes. I am looking forward to being the best me that I can be.
Getting back on track is never easy but it has really been worth it, now to just get my emotional life where I want it to be, with who I want. Once again, I have to be patient, nothing good happens quickly, somethings take time. Unfortunately patience isn't one of my strong suits, I always try to rush it and it never works out when I do that. So hard to change but not impossible.
I missed blogging so much, my computer was out of commission for 5 days, I wanted to be able to blog and I couldn't, way to hard on a Blackberry :( Thankfully Eastlink only had my modem number mixed up, all fixed now... of course the guy who came from Eastlink to fix my cable had to have that name. Jeez, no matter how hard I try not to think about him, there he is.
When did I let this happen to myself, when did I let myself feel again. I thought I was smarter than that, haven't I had enough disappointment when it comes to men? Apparently not, instead I let myself feel way more than I should have. I am just not one of those people that cares half way, I either care completely or I don't care at all.
My councillor wants to know why I choose men that are emotionally unavailable to me? I don't even have an answer for that! I spent or should I say I wasted 23 years of my life loving one guy who I was sure was the love of my life but he proved he was never worth my time. He let me down in my greatest time of need and I was lost for a very long time. Then I met someone that I honestly never thought that I could care about but the more that I knew him, the more that I cared. I just want to be there for him, show him that he is so worth it. I just wish he knew what I knew.
So, I've been eating really well for the past 5 months, longer than I ever have in my life and I am loving it, what I really need to do now is exercise... I am really hoping that I will be 9-5 at my job by the end of this month than I can start working out after work for at least 45 minutes. Then I can really start seeing a difference in my weight. I have seen some change but I really have to put in the effort to see the big changes. I am looking forward to being the best me that I can be.
Getting back on track is never easy but it has really been worth it, now to just get my emotional life where I want it to be, with who I want. Once again, I have to be patient, nothing good happens quickly, somethings take time. Unfortunately patience isn't one of my strong suits, I always try to rush it and it never works out when I do that. So hard to change but not impossible.
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