Taking A Step Back Can Be Good

I have been wanting to write all day after taking the night off last night.  I had parent teacher night where I met Valentina's new teacher... very sweet, you can tell she loves her students and she adores my Valentina, also she is doing so wonderfully in English and not struggling like she did when she was in French Immersion., so I am happy for her that she is excelling in school now.

I figured I would get up early and write but Cindy my best friend and sitter has been really ill lately and I have had to take Valentina to her house which means leaving at around six am to bus her up there and than me back down and out to work.  Sadly it looks as if Cindy will not be able to continue to care for my Valya, as she is so sick, She and I are going to work on finding someone else.  This is hard though, I want someone that loves Valentina as much as Cindy does and has the same values.

This is going to be so difficult for Cindy, Valentina and me, I always knew how blessed I was to have Cindy, I never ever took her for granted. She is the one that was there for me through all the craziness and supported me no matter how many bad choices I made.  I just want Cindy to be better and without pain.... no one should have to deal with that kind of pain...

So, after work today I had an appointment to cut Valentina's hair, her idea... not mine.  It turned out short but very cute. It will be much more manageable for her and besides her hair grows fast, we had wanted to donate her hair but you need at least ten inches and she only had eight to give.... We are keeping that hair in a pony with a ribbon and then I am going to box frame it.  The hair dresser even thought we had colored her hair because of the amazing natural high lights she has in her hair.  My daughter is nine... I do not color a nine year olds hair.  My oldest daughter Andrea has blonde hair with white blonde streaks that hair dressers always thought we did to her hair, they were always in awe when I explained it was natural.

I then went to buy groceries and I did not get home until after eight pm, I had to put her to bed and then finally could sit down and relax.  I did way too much today and my legs are letting me know it, I plan to rest them tomorrow afternoon as we have one more big activity, her school spring fling.  She loves it and she always has so much fun.

I need to simplify again, I don't like being busy every minute of the day... I want some downtime to rejuvenate me.  When I take a little more on than I can handle, I compensate by doing things like over eating, which is definitely not good for me.  The truth is that if I don't take care of me, no one else will.  I don't want to be a hermit in my house all the time by any means but I do like a night here and there without having to go somewhere after work.

The good thing about aging is that I don't stay in that state where I wear myself too thin trying to be everything to everyone.  It isn't possible, when I find that I am spinning a little out of control, I take a step back and start focusing on what is really important.  Eighty percent of what I think I need done can always wait and it is more than okay for me to say no when I am not capable of taking on one more thing.  I have really come to learn a great respect for someones time, that's one of the reasons if someone is driving me somewhere, I am waiting outside for them.  I don't expect them to wait a minute longer than necessary.. There are times it is good to take a step back and then more forward again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Three Wants

I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life, which means what do I want today because no one is offered tomorrow for a certainty.  When I think about what I really want, there are only three things, one I want to see my children with joy in their lives, I see a lot of that in them now, I want to see more.  Two, I want to do something more with my writing, I have some ideas and I am researching them... I will see what comes of it all and third, I want to be able to see my David, I want to have a gigantic bear hug from him with those huge arms of his... I always felt safe in them... that way I could lay my head on his chest and just feel him breathe, than I could breathe that way again before everything changed.

I think it is funny when we sit down and really think about what we want and none of them usually entail material items... not that it's wrong to want things, they are just not what is most important to me.  My wants are the simple things in life, the things that give me happiness and joy... the long term kind.  I don't want instant gratification, that never brought any lasting joy.  It actually has left me feeling emptier than before I started... which than had me looking for bigger things to fill that empty spot. None of which worked, since the empty part of me needed to be filled with love, not things.

Writing helps me to put my thoughts together in cohesive patterns where I work issues out, I feel like if I didn't write... I wouldn't have been able to come as far as I have... I see that I sometimes slide back into old patterns but I find that because I write, I don't stay in them as long, I find the way out of it sooner.  I find for me that writing my emotions down, free me..

The one about my children is what every parent wants in this world... I want my children to have joy... I want them to do better than I did as I did better than my parents.  I am thrilled when they excel at whatever they do, that is what brings me joy... knowing my children have joy in their lives.  I feel blessed to have my children... I am grateful that I was able to be there mommy or mama.

The one about David is simple, he gives the best hugs I have ever had... they are the kind that you are totally wrapped up by the other person, where time seems to stand still and all you can hear is the thumping of the other persons heart... and it's enough, just being able to breathe without so much tension.  When I thought about what I wanted, I just want to breathe without the tension that is there now... I want to feel that relaxed again one day.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥