I Want To Believe...

Everyday is much the same, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I blog and then I attempt to sleep.  I've been working hard to motivate myself to do other things, I really need to sleep.  I try to fill my mind with anything so I don't have to think, maybe I could sleep.

Nothing changes, I remain the same and still I can't sleep.  My mind goes over and over every detail, every thought.  I'm still the lost little girl I've been for years, I tried to fix her, make her better but sometimes you can't fix broken things.

I wonder about precise incidents in my life, wishing somehow they could be different, maybe I wouldn't be so damaged, maybe I was damaged long before... what is my purpose?  I need to know, I need to understand.

No one has answers, people tell me to hold on, the good is near... really?  Where?  Every time I've tricked myself into believing there is good for me, I'm hurt, why do I work so hard to make myself believe? 

I don't expect life to be a walk in the park with no challenges but really can't something work out to make it worth all the trials?  It's not that I don't see blessings, there are many.  Maybe I'm not thankful enough.  

That's not true though, I'm very thankful and I always try to see the good, even when it's buried so deep, I sometimes have to dig it out.  I'm lost...  wondering if I'll ever truly find my way.

There has to be a way, right?  I used to believe there was always a light.  It's been so long since I've seen it that I am beginning to think I fabricated it in my past.  Maybe we see what we want to see, maybe our hearts could handle no less.

I just want to believe again, believe in myself, believe in love, believe in friendship...  Will I ever?  Maybe then I could sleep...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


  1. *hugs* I understand how you feel, at least partly. Maybe part of your purpose is to share your story with others and inspire them. I always feel inspired and reflective after I read one of your posts.

    And yes, you have to hold on to hope for a brighter future. The future will be what you make it. We are creators of our own destiny and path to a point. :)

  2. Thank you Sasha, I want to believe... I really do. I'm just not sure I can :S

  3. I hear you Launna. Sometimes the road is hard to travel and we seem to take one step forward and two back at times or at least it feels/seems that way to us. Our experiences have such an effect on us and our lives. Sometimes you can wonder if they will ever lose complete hold of you. In dark times I try to keep just putting one step in front of the other and holding on. I too have had people tell me it will get better and felt yeah right! you just can't see it at the time. Holding on to hope is all we have. You have such worth Launna you who have survived so much and now speak to others through your blog, through your care for others via their blogs. There are others who will be feeling how you are today and have felt that way. Just by writing this post you have helped others and what better purpose than that.I know you may not see that but we rarely see the positive impact we have on others. I am glad our paths have crossed in the blogger world it has been a blessing to me. Hugs.

  4. Thank you Behind the Smile, I want to believe that I'm as strong as people say I am but maybe I never was...

  5. Hi Launna! Please stop by http://mytributetothebeatles.blogspot.com/2012/08/in-end-love-you-take-is-equal-to.html I have an award for you and would love to have you participate. I love your posts and think you deserve the distinction hands down!


  6. Awe Brenda thank you, I really appreciate the the thought, when I'm in a better frame of mind emotionally, I'll stop by. That's very sweet of you :)


I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤