I Need To Stop This Merry-Go-Round

I thought about not writing tonight... not because I don't have things I want to write about but more because I think I have too much to say and too much of the same thing.  I feel like I go around in circles sometimes, which then has me thinking why I won't find a way off the merry-go-round.  At first it was fun, I laughed and really enjoyed it, lately I am only feeling sick and wanting off... it's true when people tell us that there is too much of a good thing.

I want to be able to take a chance and right now I don't feel strong enough to do that... not where it counts.  I want to say enough is enough but I don't want off the merry-go-round for good, just for a break...  I feel like I am back at square one, at least I know more now than I did, so being back at square one doesn't mean that I will stay there long.  It's just the hardest one to deal with, it's the one that knocks the wind out of me and I find it hard to breathe... I wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

I go through my options again and again, choice A is continuing on this path where I hope that I can finally make a breakthrough and see that it was all worth it one way or the other.  Which could be very good or not... or choice B which is the hardest choice, one when I think of choosing it makes me have a panic attack where I can barely breathe. 

I guess the options keep coming up because I keep choosing option A and it keeps bringing me back to the options... which means I should choose option B.  Maybe it will be the one where I finally get off the merry-go-round, I am hoping that it isn't as difficult as I think it will be... maybe it just seems that way.  I have been thinking about this because someone told me it was time for me to start dating and I instantly said no... when I think about dating and putting my heart there again, I become overwhelmed and I get short of breath.

First and foremost, I can't ever imagine loving anyone more than I love my David... I don't even think I can convey all the feelings I have for him and how he sees the best in me and wants the best for me.  I have never had anyone who cared about me like that. Second and most important is that I don't think I could handle another let down.  This one nearly took me out, I can still remember that horrible feeling when I found out that it wasn't going to work out.  I dropped to the floor and I could barely breathe... I sobbed from the depths of my soul.  It went on for days, I stayed in bed for three full days and than I finally got out to go to work, I sobbed between calls and on the bus.. anywhere, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I don't feel like that all the time anymore and I don't ever want to feel that way again.  It took me a long time to pull myself out of that, thinking about dating brings back all those feelings.  I don't know how I could ever trust anyone not to hurt me again... it's not even possible to ask that because there are no guarantees in life, so that's why I have held back on dating. 

I told my sister this after I messaged her and said, I am going to end up being like mom, aren't I?  She called to tell me, only if I choose to... My mother never took a chance again in her life after my father broke her heart because she said only one man had broke her heart twice and she wasn't willing to take a chance with anyone else.  I don't want to be like my mother... that means taking a chance and hoping it doesn't break me completely.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future


  1. I thought at first your post was about your blog, but as I read further, I could see what was going on in your life.
    I'm very sorry you've hit a rough spot. I won't begin to say I know how you feel because I have no point of reference.
    All I can say is that I sending warm positive thoughts your way.
    You take care.

  2. Thank you Rick... I appreciate the positive thoughts ;-)

  3. I know that getting back in to the dating scene after having your heart torn to shreds is extremely daunting, but if you don't try, you'll start having regrets.
    It's hard to put yourself out there, knowing you might get hurt, but you should also realize that they're putting themselves out there to be hurt as well. No one knows what will happen in the future.
    Just keep your head up, Launna! Don't date until you know you're ready.

  4. Thank you Jaimie, if I wait until I am ready, I will never date... :(. I guess I will have to take the chance and possibly get hurt...

  5. Every post let me know more about you miam!! The ups and downs of your life! And so inspiring that you are jovial whatever the situations be..

  6. I guess I can't really advise you on how to know when you are ready to date again. I've been married for 27 years and wouldn't even know where to begin if I had to enter the dating world again. I know it does take courage to be willing to take those chances again. Wishing you the best.

  7. Thank you Daisy... Not sure that I'm strong enough to date... we will see:/

  8. I think that it is good that you talk. I am not in any position to advise you but I will try my best to hear what ever it is that you have to say. At least you will have it out of your system and venting is always good.
    Take care of yourself. Eat right and exercise and get plenty of sleep. You will be surprised how good you will feel and how much this will help with a lot of problems at hand.

  9. Thank you Munir... that's very kind of you ;-)

  10. I just want to say encouraging and positive things so you can decide what to do to move forward with your life. It hard to help ourselves, let alone others. But I am often reminded in my own decision making of that quote by Albert Einstein "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
    So I often try to think of the new direction I want to go in and take a baby step towards it and then another etc... Gentle hugs to you

  11. Thank you Lesley, I do believe that I have been doing what that quote says... doing the same thing over and over... definite insanity... :(


I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤