I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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The Light Always Shows Through In Time

It's been awhile since I blogged, I was hoping to come back with a little positive news... I saw my doctor, she prescribed a medication that has side effects I am not fond of, it makes me groggy all the time and it makes me dizzy... which is not good while working, I end up being a little loopy. It's only been about a week and a half, I know medications take time to work, so I am giving it a chance. ... I am not feeling hopeful as the pain has not lessened in my legs at all... if anything there is more pain.

Friday I took a vacation day and pampered myself by getting my hair cut and colored, it has been a long time... it took them seven hours (it's a school) ... I got some more purple in my hair and got a root touch up, plus fixed what I did while I didn't go to a professional... I won't wait so long in between, it normally doesn't take them that long. It feels good to have it done, it makes a difference, it gives me a boost. I plan to get an updated picture this week, once I do my make up and have my friend over to take the picture.

Even though I think things feel bleak at the moment for my health, I am trying to stay hopeful... maybe these pills won't work but something else might... I want to thank everyone who reached out to me, either through the blog, email or messenger. One person gave me hope as she went through something similar quite a few years ago. It took awhile but her doctor figured out what the issue was and she was able to get her health back, along with her life.

Our spring is just around the corner, or at least we hope it is... there still seems to be a little more snow on the way but I know the spring will be here before we know it and winter will be a distant memory... although it is painful to walk, I am going to walk a little each day, even if it is only for 10 minutes ... despite not feeling like it, I don't want to stop moving completely. I've seen people who have given up, I find they just get worse... I don't want that to happen to me.

I was talking to a friend of mine in Australia and I told her that I felt like I was being selfish because the pain I have been dealing with is all that I can think of or talk about... she was kind enough to tell me that she didn't feel I was being selfish and that it was human nature to focus on ourselves when we are in pain... it made me think how there have been so many times in my life that different types of pain have taken over my life... when I was raped I wondered if I would ever see the good in men and trust them again... I did. Then losing 'him' I wondered if I could love again ... it took me a long time but I think I could.

Pain has a way of making us selfish, I think it's a way of protecting ourselves at times... at others, I feel like it helps us to look inwards to find answers... it ends up showing us that we are stronger than we think we are, we learn that no matter how difficult emotional or physical it is... there is a way through...  I always hold on to that in my toughest times, it might seem dark and that there is no way through... but the light always shows through in time...


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If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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I'm Making Memories, Not Just Dreaming

 

What a week I've had ... I started it out on a low and ended it on a high. I was pretty frustrated with how I was feeling and how I couldn't seem to change it... This week was a learning and growing week for me.  I've been talking with a guy, somebody I talked to a couple of years ago. I won't be discussing him openly if and until this becomes something more, even then I won't be gushing about how lucky I am over social media.

I don't need a man to make me happy... of course I want someone special to spend my life with but I can guarantee he will have to put the work in to prove he's serious. I want a real commitment, I'm not a teenager, I won't be endlessly dating, nor do I plan to live with any man until he figures out what he wants. Why? Because I'm a girl that has finally learned that I will not accept less.

What brought me to this point? Friends and acquaintances who were posting about how lucky they were to have so and so or stating how so and so loved them and how blessed they were because of this... I actually sat back and thought what? You know what I thought when I read these things? I felt sad for these women who seemed to think they had to thank the men they were with for loving them... my personal thought was, how about loving themselves first?

I say this because I was there before... I remember how lucky I felt that 'he' wanted to date me, I was over the moon... wow... I thought so little of myself. Today I'm in a much different place ... I had my eyes opened in the past year. My wish is that we all remember our worth and stop gushing about how lucky we are to have a man. We all deserve love and finding/having love doesn't make us luckier... posting about it endlessly makes us sound insecure. 

My life is pretty full with Valentina, work, exercise, blogging... the list is long. Although I have not ruled out love, I have to tell you that the guy that wins my heart will have to be pretty special... I want an equal partner, one that sees how incredibly special I am too... I plan to make memories, not just dream about what I want in my life...

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Learning To Rise Again

I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and messages from last week, I had been feeling very vulnerable and overwhelmed... there are many changes I am dealing with as we all are and I know that none of us have it simple... The point that I wanted to get across last week was that there are times we all feel down and we need to be able to express this, we shouldn't live there as that isn't healthy for us either but I believe we all need to have our feelings validated from time to time. 

Our biggest successes in life come from rising after a fall.. no one likes to fail, it can paralyze us from trying again but if we allow it to stop us we will never grow... It's what I have been going through for the last couple of years. I have been frozen with fear to really give love a chance again and not because love didn't work out for him and me, I knew that for a very long time and had come to terms with it before.

What had me stuck for so long was how we had shared everything, all of our hopes, our dreams and how we were the best of friends. I believed I could count on him when I needed to vent or talk about a trial I was going through... and he could most certainly count on me, even today. When I lost that relationship I lost my ability to trust anyone. I put on the face, said the right things but deep down inside I was lost for a very long time. 

I had fallen further than I had ever fallen in my life... I kept thinking there was no way I could get back to trusting anyone and definitely not like that again... if he and I could share so many things on such a deep and personal level and still have our friendship fall completely apart... how could I honestly learn to trust anyone even a little? It was then that I thought about how trusting was really learning and that although I fell, I needed to continue to rise. 

I guarantee it will be difficult for me to fully trust anyone like I did him... but what I am willing to do today, is start to trust just a little and build from there. Eventually I will trust someone as much or maybe even more than I did him... When I think of other extremely difficult trials I have overcome, none of them were easy but I found a way to rise each time. For I never want to stop learning as that is how I will grow and become stronger.

Maybe that is what he was in my life for, to teach me that even if everything we believe in fails and we fall, it matters that we always rise and learn to try again.

 

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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Taking A Step Back Can Be Wise

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

 When I went out for my walk yesterday it was sunny and hot... it was only 6:00 pm when I left so I thought it would be fine to walk at that time of the early evening.  When I woke up this morning, I had a migraine, the kind where the light was bothering my eyes and I felt nauseous, I knew not to play around with that and took two Advil immediately.  However; I didn't catch it quite quick enough and by 6:00 am I knew that going to work was out of the question.  I do not like to miss work, especially if it is a busy day as I know that just leaves more work for my co-workers and I don't feel good piling more work on anyone.

I rested most of the morning, keeping everything as quiet at possible... the migraine subsided and I have decided not to go out for long walks when the sun is that hot again... I am headed out for a walk tonight but not until around 7:30, I do not want a repeat of last night.  The good thing about this was that I actually got to rest, then I started cleaning in the afternoon.... without Valentina here, I was able to do all those jobs done that had piled up in the past couple of weeks.  I was able to sweep every part of the house, I have hardwood floors... which I love and I am hoping when I move that I will not have to deal with carpets.  After I swept all the floors twice, I then mopped them all... they were in need of a good mopping. 

I also pulled the washing machine out and washed all the blankets I could find... we have many.  This comes from when I was growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who was so stingy with blankets that my two sisters and I had to share one blanket on a double bed... I swore my children would never have to deal with that. Consequently I have way too many blankets... and pillows...  I just never want a child of mine to be cold and to feel like she couldn't ask for a blanket...  my ex step mother was an odd ball, she herself never went without blankets or pillows herself.  Sometimes I wonder what my father thought of this, he just never noticed... how odd was that?

Anyhow, I was able to get them all clean, dried and put away.  Valentina came home and was very happy to see that the house was sparkling clean... it feels good... as well all the dishes that had been piling up are all cleaned and put away.  I have really neglected the house while I have been exercising.  I leave very early in the morning and walk for nearly 45 minutes, then I usually go for another walk in the evening for 45 minutes to an hour... tonight will only be 30 to 40 minutes as I counted all the housework that I did as exercise...

Besides I need a really good sleep tonight, I do not want a repeat of this morning... tomorrow is likely going to be busier as it is Tuesday and and payroll is pretty busy on that day.  I missed work, chatting with my co-workers, helping the clients but I would have not been any good to anyone if I had gone in this morning... I most likely would have left and then spent the rest of the day in bed... this way, I got a little rest and then had some energy to do some much needed cleaning that will benefit me for the rest of the week... I feel like I was able to accomplish a lot today.  I won't take it for granted and push myself hard tonight, I will take a walk and then get some much needed rest...

Some times I am over competitive... okay... all the time I am over competitive.. today showed me that I needed to take a small step back and not push myself so hard... if I continued on this path that I was on, I could end up making myself sick and then what?  I think today was a reminder to me that I am not some sort of machine that can keep going and going without actually relaxing from time to time.  Just because I take a morning or evening off does not mean I am being lazy... it means I am taking care of myself.  I learned my lesson, thankfully I learned it before I made myself too ill.  It is really good to listen to our bodies, when things like this happen... it means to take a step back and analyze why... it doesn't mean, go harder...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Life's A Lesson, Live It, Learn It, Love It

I ended up having a pretty good day with Valentina... I had wanted to go to the lake but found out they were closed due to the bacteria count... so, we ended up at an outdoor pool.  If it was up to Valentina, she would have swam all day but two hours was my limit of sitting around doing nothing and I needed to head home.  I'm glad we went downtown for a couple of hours, I even got in a short walk... I'm planning on a longer one tonight.

                                                           

I feel the need to walk, I have SO much going on in my mind and I just need to be able to clear my mind.  I wonder if that is even possible?  However; it does feel great to walk and push myself beyond what I think I am able to handle... plus all this exercise is amazingly good for me... I love how great I feel... One month ago I never would have believed I could walk this much and actually feel good.

I'm feeling a little melancholy... especially after what I wrote to my David last night... the ONLY way that came out through a text was because it was inside me...  He's been busy and we haven't had the time to talk like we normally do, which is hard for me as I save up all that I need to say to him and once we talk it spills out so fast I am hardly breathing.  Then I can sigh and take a deep breath... I need a good chat with my best friend.
                                                                              

Doesn't talking with your best friend help make things better?  Or at least give you a better perspective?  That's what my David does for me... he helps me to see things differently...  he makes me laugh.... although I have laughed lately, I haven't laughed the way I do with him... One of those silly, giggly laughs where I do nothing but smile...

I know this is going to sound silly... I'm looking forward to turning 50, which is in ten days.  My life is pretty good... not perfect but good (perfection does not exist)... I love that I have goals that I'm working towards... I am watching them all come to pass... one after the other.  I just have to continue to believe that everything will work out as it should.

I read this quote/saying on my friend Jaimie's Facebook page and wanted to share it... even if we have heard similar things often it is wonderful to be reminded of them, especially when times are a little rough: 

 Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived. Sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.

Life's a lesson. Live it, learn it, love it

Even though life does not go my way as often as I would like it to... I need to be reminded that I am truly blessed... It's okay to be a little sad, a little reflective and a little melancholy at times... just as long as we don't wallow in it all the time...  That last line is very true... Life's a lesson, live it, learn it, love it....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Patience Can Be A Challenge And A Gift

I am the type of person when I have something difficult going in in my life that I have to talk it out, I need to discuss it and it helps me to release some of the pain, anger, fear, sadness or frustration.  I feel like I would burst if I didn't say the words out loud to someone and hear their opinion.  I like to hear other people's opinions, I don't always follow it... I do have my own ideas.

So when I end up dealing with someone who becomes a total introvert when something befalls them, it becomes a learning game for me... because although I need to converse, not everyone does... some people have to deal with it on a personal level before they can get to the next step.  Can I say I have not always been patient with that trait, usually I become frustrated and look at ways I can try to make things better for that person.  I have learned that sometimes it is much better to give people their space to deal with it the way they need to...

The only thing I do in these situations is offer my support, whenever they need it and let them know I will be ready and waiting. It's all I can do, anything else would be judgmental and the last thing I want to do is step on someones toes with how they need to deal with their pain. Is it easy for me, no... I would be lying if I said that but as I get wiser with age, I recognize that my way is not always the right way and it definitely isn't the right way for everyone else.

I also am aware that men and women handle challenges differently, I have found that the majority of women I know want to talk about it, discuss it, analyze it... figure out a solution.  The men I have known, want to hear the issue, they give a logical response and if I didn't take their advise, they seemed baffled.  David was and is different, he gave advise but he also listened and understood why I wouldn't always take his full advise. 

While I am waiting patiently, I am learning that sometimes all you can do is send out positive happy thoughts and pray...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥