I don't have writers block because I can write everywhere else, as a matter of fact I wrote three times in my other blog this week as well I have written in my gratitude journal for 50+ days. I think today was one of the hardest days, I sat and looked at the screen for a lot longer than normal. It wasn't because I am not grateful... it's that I want the entries to have meaning.. not just writing to write something. Today I took a little longer but I finally came up with something meaningful... thankfully I am already for tomorrows post.
Now back to the issue at hand, writing here has not been an easy thing lately, it's because the other two places I am writing, no one can read them and here it is opened to everyone. Which stops me from being totally open sometimes, I remember when I started writing my blog the summer of 2009, it was a little over a year after my ex husband Andrey had raped me. He had emotional issues where he was very unstable and finally he was put in jail for a time. Once he was put a way for year, I needed this place to write things down, to give myself a voice.
I then entered down a path for a couple of years that I don't even recognize myself from then but through it all I wrote, it was what I needed to do to finally get passed what that night had done to me or taken away from me. Yet I don't know that I actually got passed it but that I came to realize that I did not do anything to deserve what Andrey had done to me, no woman does. I have since forgiven him, I had to if I ever wanted to move on... otherwise I would have been in that loop still.. the one that I was in for two years where I was not myself, I was in survival mode.
My One And Only) came back into my life that summer and we had the whirlwind romance... the one that takes your breath away where you feel so incredibly happy. However; in the end he didn't feel the same way and I was left with writing... which I did a lot of, I wrote everything about how I felt, what I was going through and about him. Of course I wrote about him, he was my best friend... he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life.
Now I am facing an even more difficult time and I have been dealing with this alone. Although I can be up and down on any given day... I usually find the good in even a challenging day. These days seem to have more trials and more close together.. I always look for the good, because what you look for you usually find.. however; lately finding the good is not always easy. It is why I started my gratitude journal, it makes me sit and reflect if only for a few minutes about the good in my day.
I know deep in my heart that there is more to life than just getting by, just surviving.. it's what I long for... I long for a little joy to make the challenges all worth it. I know people are going to say stay strong, look how much you have come through, look how much you have changed your life. It's not that I don't think any of this is not true, I am strong, I have come through a great deal and I have changed my life for the better. I also know that challenges never really stop, they are always there in some form and I don't expect to be exempt from them.
However; could I have a small break once and a while? Would this be asking to much? I don't think so... I also want to say something to the well meaning people I know in my life, the ones who really know me... please don't tell me about someone worse off than me and how lucky I am... do you not think that I know this? The feeling I have isn't something I want to feel, it is just there, it has been compounded with endless broken sleep for over six months, it is the loss of my best friend and it is coming to terms with being where I am and where my future is headed.
I will be seeking out and asking for any and all help ... I can honestly say there are days were I feel very lost and very alone and it takes everything I can do to just get up and start the day. I do it though because I have to but that is not a way to live forever, it's good that I can push through and still work ... but where is the joy in that? I want more than that, I need more than that.
I know many of you have been aware and have messaged me privately ... I really appreciate every sweet comment written to me... as well since I have my comments on moderation, there are many more that are really personal that I don't publish. I think many people feel the way I do and they don't reach out, they don't ask for help... I didn't want to.. I wanted to be strong enough to deal with this myself but we all need a little help sometimes.
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