We All Need A Little Help Sometimes

I wanted to take a moment to catch you up on the contest at work, I lost by a half a percentage point, I really won though because I lost another 18 pounds in ten weeks and I am pleased with where my weight is at, of course I want to lose another 10-15 pounds but I am going to take my time and not push myself so hard... no more contests for me as there really is no need... they served their purpose.

I don't have writers block because I can write everywhere else, as a matter of fact I wrote three times in my other blog this week as well I have written in my gratitude journal for 50+ days.  I think today was one of the hardest days, I sat and looked at the screen for a lot longer than normal.  It wasn't because I am not grateful... it's that I want the entries to have meaning.. not just writing to write something.  Today I took a little longer but I finally came up with something meaningful... thankfully I am already for tomorrows post.

Now back to the issue at hand, writing here has not been an easy thing lately, it's because the other two places I am writing, no one can read them and here it is opened to everyone.  Which stops me from being totally open sometimes, I remember when I started writing my blog the summer of 2009, it was a little over a year after my ex husband Andrey had raped me.  He had emotional issues where he was very unstable and finally he was put in jail for a time. Once he was put a way for year, I needed this place to write things down, to give myself a voice.

I then entered down a path for a couple of years that I don't even recognize myself from then but through it all I wrote, it was what I needed to do to finally get passed what that night had done to me or taken away from me.  Yet I don't know that I actually got passed it but that I came to realize that I did not do anything to deserve what Andrey had done to me, no woman does.   I have since forgiven him, I had to if I ever wanted to move on... otherwise I would have been in that loop still.. the one that I was in for two years where I was not myself, I was in survival mode.

Then he (My One And Only) came back into my life that summer and we had the whirlwind romance... the one that takes your breath away where you feel so incredibly happy.  However; in the end he didn't feel the same way and I was left with writing... which I did a lot of, I wrote everything about how I felt, what I was going through and about him.  Of course I wrote about him, he was my best friend... he helped me through one of the hardest times in my life.

Now I am facing an even more difficult time and I have been dealing with this alone.  Although I can be up and down on any given day... I usually find the good in even a challenging day. These days seem to have more trials and more close together.. I always look for the good, because what you look for you usually find.. however; lately finding the good is not always easy.  It is why I started my gratitude journal, it makes me sit and reflect if only for a few minutes about the good in my day. 

I know deep in my heart that there is more to life than just getting by, just surviving.. it's what I long for... I long for a little joy to make the challenges all worth it.  I know people are going to say stay strong, look how much you have come through, look how much you have changed your life.  It's not that I don't think any of this is not true, I am strong, I have come through a great deal and I have changed my life for the better.  I also know that challenges never really stop, they are always there in some form and I don't expect to be exempt from them.

However; could I have a small break once and a while?  Would this be asking to much?  I don't think so... I also want to say something to the well meaning people I know in my life, the ones who really know me... please don't tell me about someone worse off than me and how lucky I am... do you not think that I know this?  The feeling I have isn't something I want to feel, it is just there, it has been compounded with endless broken sleep for over six months, it is the loss of my best friend and it is coming to terms with being where I am and where my future is headed.

Saying all this, I have come to understand that I am not going to get through this latest challenge by myself, I am going to need to talk this over with someone,  since I have never really dealt with anything like this loss and doing it without sleep.  I am sure everything would look different if I could just get some sleep, it seems to magnify the emotions and issues.

I will be seeking out and asking for any and all help ... I can honestly say there are days were I feel very lost and very alone and it takes everything I can do to just get up and start the day.  I do it though because I have to but that is not a way to live forever, it's good that I can push through and still work ... but where is the joy in that?  I want more than that, I need more than that.

I know many of you have been aware and have messaged me privately ... I really appreciate every sweet comment written to me... as well since I have my comments on  moderation, there are many more that are really personal that I don't  publish.  I think many people feel the way I do and they don't reach out, they don't ask for help... I didn't want to.. I wanted to be strong enough to deal with this myself but we all need a little help sometimes.

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Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥