Then 'he' ticked me off severely and I knew then I would have to change everything. At first I was thinking what could I do differently that I had not done in the past, so that I could be successful? That was of course when the contest came up at work. I threw myself into it, I walked everywhere and I ate so well. The weight literally fell off of me, the first eleven weeks I lost over 37 pounds. I kept seeing positive changes and right about that time, I started doing this for myself.
I came to many realizations over the past year, where I found that I needed to love myself where I was and not when I had lost a certain amount of weight... I also found that I wanted this for me, not for anyone else and I proved that to myself and others when my life completely fell apart the end of September and I did not go back to eating and putting the weight back on. That is how I failed in the past ... this time I was different, this time I wanted it for all the right reasons.
I didn't want it for a certain event, I didn't want it for someone else, I didn't want it to prove to others I could do this... I wanted this for me, I wanted to be healthy and I fell in love with how committed I was to myself and to my future. I added years to my life by losing the 80+ pounds I lost, I still have a few to go but that can come over the summer. I feel really good about how I have changed my body and my health, maintaining it is actually harder than losing it but it is what I want now, I don't want to ever go back to where I was..
When I made that decision to really commit, not just wish or hope for it, I had no idea how much my life would change. I don't even know that I was prepared, I hit some huge bumps along the way that threatened to pull me down and each time I was sure I would fail or give up... I kept pushing myself and holding onto that little bit of hope that I would be strong enough to get through whatever was thrown at me. While I was in the worst part of it, I was absolutely sure I wouldn't make it through.
There were nights that I crawled into bed and cried, got up in the morning and cried... I didn't go back to food but I wasn't always successful with other things in my life. Some part of me kept holding on, sometimes it was something that someone would write, other times it was a message from a person that barely knew me but seemed to know exactly what to say to me. A lot of the time it was being able to write everything I was feeling down in this blog.
One of the best things that came out of this all was that of course I lost the weight and became healthier than I have ever been.... two I refuse to hide anything, I am an open book and no one will ever change that about me and three, most importantly I gained my self esteem and self worth back. I know there are people who don't think I did but that is their problem, not mine.
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