I have had quite the month in July, for the past 28 days, I have been able to exercise every single day. That's probably not always a good thing as I do need to rest my body from time to time. I ended up walking an average of 14,000 steps, about 7 miles and over 85 minutes of active exercise daily. Yet with all of this, I have just maintained my weight since I stopped being accountable for my food... because the truth is that I cannot out exercise poor choices in food, be it the type of food or quantity.
Why have I been over eating? Self sabotage? Sadness? Anger? ... a little of everything, I am disappointed with the way some things have turned out in my life. When I sit back and ponder about how far I have come, I ask myself if I have gratitude for that?... the truth is I do... I am very thankful for all the trials I have overcome and all the changes I have made in my life to become who I am today.
I was angry this week because I felt as though I didn't have the right to be disappointed or sad... I do though. When did it become bad to feel these things? I know I shouldn't live there all the time... but I think that is what is wrong, the minute I feel sad/disappointed, people start counting off my many blessings... or telling me all their trials that they went through and survived or implying I am selfish and not grateful for what I do have in my life.
You know what this does, at least for me...it makes me want to cover it up... just like I did in the past when I felt a deep heartache... instead of dealing with it, I did everything I could not to feel... I should have felt it and moved through it, instead of always trying to go around it. Every time I went around it, it would always came back for me to deal with later. Usually it was even harder as I had more pain to add to it.
I am grateful that I am not judgmental of others and their choices, I have come to know that forgiveness is more about setting myself free and that loving myself is a good thing... it helps me to love others even more. I have learned to set boundaries for myself and I gave myself permission to say no if I feel like others are stepping over those lines. Mostly I know that I have the right to feel disappointed with where I am in certain parts of my life, it doesn't mean that I don't have gratitude for the wonderful parts, it means I am working through the pain.
Someone asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy? My answer is yes and although I am not in that place at the moment, I know it exists... I have felt it... it is incredible... it is worth working towards today and in the future... I know heartache will happen, unfortunately it's what seems to help me grow ... some things are more difficult than others to deal with but because I have felt true joy, I know pain won't last, however; feeling sad is okay... feeling pain is how we get to the other side.
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