I sat down yesterday and poured my heart out in a blog post and before I published it, I reread it of course... then I deleted it from here... some things are too raw and real to post. No matter how much I want to write exactly what is in my thoughts and heart, I just can't... I started a pseudo blog so that I could say what I wanted, it's an open blog but I will not be promoting it in anyway. I could write it privately but I have a need to put it out there... maybe what I say can help someone else.
I am definitely in a better place than I was a couple of years ago when my heart was broken and all I could do was cry all the time... it took me a long time to get to where I am today but I readily admit that it's not easy all the time. I have moved forward but there are times I hear a song, read an old blog post of mine, come across a quote that reminds me of what I lost... inevitably I am left thinking how I got to that day that changed me so much. For the longest time I felt broken and I could not see how I would or could feel good again, let alone feel like it would all be worth it again.
I got there though but not without bumps on the road that threatened to take me down roads that might be hard to return from... I believe we all have those forks in the road, where we have to make a conscious choice to take the difficult path, the one that will help us grow and become who we are meant to me. That path is beyond hard... it would be so easy to leave it and go on the easy path that stops the pain but what you give up to have that is more than I was willing to give up.
I have been on those 'easy' paths, the ones where you don't have to feel... I have seen many people on that path too... there is something that comes along and derails them and the pain is crazy hard and it's easier covering the pain than dealing with it head on. Since I have been on both roads, I can tell you that although the difficult path is painful it is the only one that will or can bring about a clarity. I had to come to a point in my life that I had to admit that even though the pain was going to be heartbreaking to deal with, it had to be dealt with.
I am never going to have the answer to how I got to one of the hardest days of my life and right now I'm not even sure I know why I had to deal with it... except it taught me one thing, I was unbelievably sure that I would not survive... I am not joking, I mean what I wrote... but I did survive it and now loss is not a fear of mine like it used to be... I think life is about conquering our fears and growing beyond them... Fears are certainly not easy, it is like opening a wound and opening our eyes to the truth and deciding we are stronger than that fear.
These past few months had me thinking about what I want to do in my life once the time comes that Valentina is grown... I want to experience life fully and show both of my girls that there is a beautiful world out there where we can make memories... It might not mean going far from home, it might mean just seeing places near by... but it means getting out of our comfort zone and facing our fears. Only then will our fears become our strengths...
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