Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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Finally

For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.

 

I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.

It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends.  I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.

 

I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend.  I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.  

My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year. 

 

I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally

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Facing Fears Becomes Our Strengths

 

I sat down yesterday and poured my heart out in a blog post and before I published it, I reread it of course... then I deleted it from here... some things are too raw and real to post. No matter how much I want to write exactly what is in my thoughts and heart, I just can't... I started a pseudo blog so that I could say what I wanted, it's an open blog but I will not be promoting it in anyway. I could write it privately but I have a need to put it out there... maybe what I say can help someone else. 

I am definitely in a better place than I was a couple of years ago when my heart was broken and all I could do was cry all the time... it took me a long time to get to where I am today but I readily admit that it's not easy all the time. I have moved forward but there are times I hear a song, read an old blog post of mine, come across a quote that reminds me of what I lost... inevitably I am left thinking how I got to that day that changed me so much. For the longest time I felt broken and I could not see how I would or could feel good again, let alone feel like it would all be worth it again.

I got there though but not without bumps on the road that threatened to take me down roads that might be hard to return from... I believe we all have those forks in the road, where we have to make a conscious choice to take the difficult path, the one that will help us grow and become who we are meant to me. That path is beyond hard... it would be so easy to leave it and go on the easy path that stops the pain but what you give up to have that is more than I was willing to give up. 

I have been on those 'easy' paths, the ones where you don't have to feel... I have seen many people on that path too... there is something that comes along and derails them and the pain is crazy hard and it's easier covering the pain than dealing with it head on. Since I have been on both roads, I can tell you that although the difficult path is painful it is the only one that will or can bring about a clarity. I had to come to a point in my life that I had to admit that even though the pain was going to be heartbreaking to deal with, it had to be dealt with. 

I am never going to have the answer to how I got to one of the hardest days of my life and right now I'm not even sure I know why I had to deal with it... except it taught me one thing, I was unbelievably sure that I would not survive... I am not joking, I mean what I wrote... but I did survive it and now loss is not a fear of mine like it used to be... I think life is about conquering our fears and growing beyond them... Fears are certainly not easy, it is like opening a wound and opening our eyes to the truth and deciding we are stronger than that fear.

These past few months had me thinking about what I want to do in my life once the time comes that Valentina is grown... I want to experience life fully and show both of my girls that there is a beautiful world out there where we can make memories... It might not mean going far from home, it might mean just seeing places near by... but it means getting out of our comfort zone and facing our fears. Only then will our fears become our strengths... 

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Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.

 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 

 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?

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I Need To Stop Fearing The Answer

I've been in an off mood this past week, I wasn't even sure why... tonight it came to me, although I love the Fall season, I am literally unhappy that Winter will be following. I cannot think of any real redeeming qualities of that season. The only one that even remotely comes to mind is that it makes me appreciate every other season that follows it much more... I don't like being house bound, nor wearing so many clothes I feel like a snowman, or fearing the ice that could have me fall and hurt myself.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't even allowing myself to think about it but with the cool air reminding me that it's not too far off and seeing the year flying by at the speed of light has brought last years memories back. I honestly thought of moving somewhere, anywhere, as long as there was not massive ice there. I know that all places have their downfalls, nowhere is perfect and for the most part I do enjoy living where there are four seasons... just not where one of the seasons drags on for more months than I care to think about. 

When this time of the year comes, with the time change, less daylight... less chance to enjoy the outdoors, it leaves me edgy. I already miss that I could take off at 9:00 at night and walk for an hour... I especially miss that I didn't need any sort of jacket. I need to be able to just get up and go, it always clears my mind and when I can't I feel muddled... which leaves me off balance, if that makes any sense. This week I was eating food that I normally wouldn't eat, I realized it was my way of not dealing with a question I have, one I don't want to hear the answer to... Last night I reminded myself that not dealing with it would only cause other issues, eating poorly isn't the answer.

Finding out the answer whether I want to hear it or not is the only way to deal with it... because although I am still exercising a lot, I know that I cannot exercise my way out of a bad diet. Thankfully, I don't allow myself to stay in that place of denial like I used to, although I fear the answer I don't want to fear it enough to give up what I have worked so hard to attain. Besides, although I don't want to hear the answer, it probably isn't as awful as I think, it rarely is, right...?

I'm struggling right now, most people don't want to hear that and I understand, I think it's because most of us are struggling and we want to hear good and uplifting things so that we can believe that there is a way through. Well, even though I am struggling I do believe that it will get better because it always has... however; I still have to go through low, challenging trials where I have to put in the work to get to where I want to be...

Though I know change is inevitable and ultimately good for me, it still isn't easy to see the good that will eventually come from it... Today as I spoke with some friends, I was reminded that all those difficulties and challenges that I dealt with in the past taught me strength and empathy... maybe the question I have been afraid to ask is the very thing that will make me stronger when I am finally willing to accept the answer I fear...

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Life Is About Doing And Not Portraying

I know it's been awhile since I have written, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, it has been a time issue. I have stepped up my exercise, this month I have over 133 miles logged so far... also, I spoke of strength training the last time I wrote, hopefully I will be starting that this week... I am working on getting together with the lady who will be giving me some pointers. The last thing I want to do is injure myself by doing it incorrectly, so I will be waiting before I start.

Also, my mood has changed a great deal in the past two weeks... it happened almost overnight... I'm not as melancholy as I have been, which isn't to say that I am overly joyous by any means either... I don't know how to even explain my mood... maybe it's come with all the exercising and focus I have put there, maybe I've come to a point of change finally... All I know is that I have not had any major lows but neither have I had any major highs... At the moment, this is what I need ... I have a lot of anniversary dates coming up that I was not sure how I was going to cope with... Today I feel like I will be able to deal with them... 

Since I last wrote, I was able to lose a little over 4 pounds which was great from all the hard work I have put in... I never want the numbers on the scale to rule me, as that is not what my journey is about... it is about becoming healthier and stronger. As I have stated before I will never be really tiny as I don't want to be, I want to be able to be the best me with exercising and eating nutritious food. I want to do what I say ... instead of saying things I wish and then not doing them. Too many people I know say they want to make changes and then never do anything about it, that was me in the past but I no longer want to be like this.

That is when real change happens, when we really decide that we are important enough to put in the effort and time. When I changed my mindset in June 2013, I didn't do it for a week, a month or a year... I changed if for a lifetime. I fail from time to time as I am human but there is a part of me that will and can never go back to the girl I was before I made it important to look after myself physically ... I am grateful that switch was turned on then because I think that if I had not made those changes then, that all the challenges that came not long after would have buried me. 

I have often wondered why I had to deal with all the loss I did... lately I have come to see that it ultimately made me stronger by not relying on others to show me my worth. It has been one of the most difficult lessons I have ever learned in my life but one that I needed to go through. There were so many times that I thought I was not going to make it, that the pain and grief would be too much to take. However; I am getting through each day and I see my own worth which no one can take from me.

I think the biggest lesson I learned these past two years was that no matter how hard someone tried to take me down, they didn't succeed... I was and am stronger than they or I ever thought I was... Although I wondered for a very long time how someone could be so hurtful and still seem to have all that they desired, I came to learn that it just looked like it... I want to live an authentic life, that means I don't want to pretend everything is perfect when it's not... we all have ups and downs and trying to portray anything different ultimately only hurts ourselves...Life is about doing and not portraying....

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Life Doesn't Get Easier, You Just Get Stronger

I lost focus this week because of disappointments, you would think I would know better by now but I am human, no matter how much I want to always rise above my challenges and disappointments just like that, it isn't that easy... some days I need to take the time and deal with the feelings and emotions of having life not work out the way I had hoped. What did I learn from it? I learned life doesn't get easier, I just get stronger.

 

It's okay that I take a step back but I have to decide if I am going to be stronger than the lesson or if I am going to give into it... I don't want to give into it, I have done that in the past. It didn't bring me happiness, I only thought it did at the time... This whole week I thought, life isn't fair... other people attain their dreams why not me? I know that sounds selfish and I don't like to sound that way, nor do I want to feel that way... Disappointment has a way of allowing me to feel that way, even though I know that absolutely no one has it easy. 

Just because I look at someones life and I think they have it all together, past experience has taught me that is crap, that's a lie... no one has it easy, no one has all that they desire or wish for... if they did, they would have nothing left to work towards. How boring would that be? The truth is that even though disappoints hurt more than I can ever convey, they also teach us something about ourselves. 

The real question is if I want to learn from it?... it means really looking deep inside myself and changing a part of myself bit by bit... It cannot all be changed overnight, that would be too much to deal with all at once. I have the choice of walking away and giving up but frankly that has never helped me grow, giving up always made things worse because the lesson comes back, bigger and stronger... I either take the time to learn from it now... or I learn from it the harder way later on.

This week taught me that I can either have excuses or I can make changes, I cannot have both, that is sitting on the fence and that isn't possible. There is no standing still, we are either moving forward or we are going backwards... and I don't want to go backwards anymore... I have learned the trip back is only more difficult than if I kept going forward to begin with.

Yes I have had huge disappointments and challenges many people would never want... but so has everyone else... and when I think about some of the other challenges other people have to deal with, I am grateful that I don't have them... Regardless of how many disappointments I have to deal with in the future, at least I know my worth and not everyone can say that... So, even though life doesn't get easier, I am thankful I am getting stronger.

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Loving Myself For Who I Fought To Become

This has been a really busy week, more busy than normal, hence why it has taken me a little longer to write than usual. At the moment we are in the midst of massive snow storm here in Nova Scotia, so I decided to just relax and write. Just in case the power decides to go out, which it may because of the high winds. This storm has been talked about for days and I took the opportunity to get prepared, I spent yesterday, shopping, doing all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning.... it feels good that I am organized and cleaned up.

As everyone knows who reads my blog, I have decided to come out of my comfort zone on many levels. The first thing I did was I attended a Valentine dance on Friday night, yes I knew people that were there but I did not go with anyone, I went on my own. I had some fun and danced a little, I just don't want to be the girl who comes home on Friday night and does nothing... That is not fun to me, that will not help me to move forward... I needed to make some changes and I am grateful I have.

I am also not a girl who likes having my picture taken, believe me I have been known to flip out if someone takes my picture and I am not ready... as well I always want to have the last say to which ones are shown. I used to be so adept at ducking pictures ... I have ones at work where you can only see my hair... lol... and never a full length picture. Finally, I have changed that part of myself and I am allowing more pictures to be taken, even though I am not at what I consider to be my 'perfect' weight. I decided that if I waited for that, I might never have my picture taken. I want my children and grandchildren to have memories of me that they can see.

I love that first quote I added above about loving the person I have become as I fought hard to  become her. A few short years ago I never would have posed for a full length picture and I most certainly never would have posted it on line... This has been quite the journey I have been on, it all started with me making the decision to change what I was not happy about and sticking with it. Of course there are days I stray as I am human but I won't allow myself to ever give up on me again. I am worthy of the hard work I have put in and I will continue to do this for me.

This last quote resonated with me as it is very true, we are all more alike than we realize... we have our differences that make us unique but truthfully we all have had tragedies, love, happiness, sadness... Sometimes it is hard to see that we have had good when we feel like the hard times outweigh them. Do you know what writing has done for me? It makes me see that I have had some incredibly wonderful and happy times in my life and I know I will again... Of course hard times will come again and I hope that by writing about how I deal with or have dealt with them in the past... it will help me to overcome them with a better outlook.

When I first started writing back in July 2009, I never believed so many people would read my words... I wrote more for myself as I had lost me and I wanted to change that, the road was long and it was pretty difficult. There were times I wondered if I would make it through but I have and I changed so many things that I never even thought I could. That is why I continue to write, I know that by writing I have grown beyond anything I ever thought possible, I have come to know so many people in the world and saw just how alike we really are, how much we want to be accepted for who we are and mostly how much we want to be loved, no matter how many mistakes we make. 

I hope we all remember that first quote about loving the person we have become because we fought to become him or her... 

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Forgiveness Is A Choice

 

I have been thinking about a question I was posed last week.  The person wanted to know if I could articulate why I have been feeling the way I have?  I sat there for a moment before I answered and then I said... I guess I thought my life would be different.  I get up, go to work, come home, be a mom, try to sleep and then repeat over and over. That isn't living, that is surviving; there really has to be more to life than this, right?

Please don't tell me that happiness is a choice, that's a lovely thought but sometimes there are circumstances out of our control.  I am going to be honest here, when I hear things like that or others like I need to accept the way my life is or that I am the one standing in the way of my own progression.... It makes me feel like I am not worthy of love or happiness, like it's my fault. If I just changed the way I thought, I would have peace and happiness.  Sometimes it is not that easy.

I do know one thing, I am not a person who can live with holding a grudge or really disliking someone as it eats at me.  Yes there are plenty of people that we meet that we don't connect with or don't like ... when I say I don't hold a grudge or dislike someone, I mean I don't let them have space in my head. I just move on, I don't think of them.

It can be really difficult when a person continues to do everything that they can to tear me down, I want to be the stronger woman and just prove to them and everyone that no matter how many times you try to hurt me, I only come back stronger.  Truthfully if everything is rosy and perfect in your life, you wouldn't have time to waste looking for ways to bring me down, especially since you don't even know me.

For me to move forward, I have to forgive you for hurting me, otherwise you will always be in my life where you can pull me down to your level.  I don't want you as a part of my life in any way, I don't want to dislike you as I have and I don't want to waste my time even thinking about you.  I suggest you do the same... you have what you want, isn't that enough?  I guess not, if it was... I wouldn't be front and center in your life.

I am an open book, I am the same here that I am in real life.  I don't hide behind my words, I don't pretend to think or act like I have it all together.  Quite the opposite, I say it like it is, I tell the truth... even if it's not what people want to hear. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable but I don't know how to be any other way. I am not what you want to think or say I am, I am so much better than that... Hopefully you will feel that way about yourself one day and realize the only real damage you are causing is to yourself...

This thought and post came about because it is Easter, a time to reflect on gratitude and forgiveness.  I realized I was angry at this person for continually trying to hurt me, I want to forgive them and move on, even if they keep trying to hurt me, I am going to ignore them.  Frankly they are not worth my time, they are not as important as they think they are... Is there someone in your life that is taking up space in your head and not in a good way?  Forgiveness is a choice. . .

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I Just Have To Keep Holding On

I want to thank Janice from Fitness Cheerleader, she wrote a post about her theme song for 2014 (Keep Holding On… What is Your Theme Song for 2014?).  I am not one to pick up new music as I have so many that I love now... I own well over a 1000 songs but she talked so passionately about it that I wrote down the title and promised myself that I would listen to it the first chance I had.  That chance came tonight.

The song is Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne, I was not sure she would be a singer that I would enjoy but this song proved me wrong, she has a fan in me now.  These words are so moving and inspiring.  Today the contest started, I have been slacking for nearly a month... walking a mile here an there, eating a few extra calories.  My wake up call came when I stepped on the scale and I had gained a few pounds back... Maintaining is going to be so much harder than I even thought.

For the past month, I have come home... logged onto the computer and relaxed.  Tonight I went out and I walked for nearly two miles, I did it with an average speed of 15 and a half minutes per mile.  It felt good, really good.. I came home all sweaty and relaxed, I turned on YouTube and pulled up the song.  I have to tell you, this is my theme song for the year too, it speaks to me on so many levels.

I needed this wake up call today, for the past month I have allowed other things to get in the way of what I wanted.  There will always be excuses, there will always be people who don't believe in me, there will always be times I might not believe in myself but I cannot allow any of that to stop me from achieving my goals.  The start of the goals is to get healthy and start training for a 10K in May or June.  Achieving these goals will lead me to all the other ones I have.

I lost my way for a while, I am working my way back... I love this line in the song... There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on... no matter what... the truth is there.  Every time we think we have buried something, the truth always shows itself... I just have to keep holding on...

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Always Reaching

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Before I was going to write last night, I thought I might get to my reading list but I ended up deciding to write first, then have an early night and sleep in hopefully... then get into my reading.  Do you sometimes find that with each good thing we get into our life, something else happens to complicate it?  I know I have to deal with challenges, otherwise I will never grow to my potential but sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good. 

Here is the good and actually I would say it was the great... as of today, I am in One der land, I have not seen a number on a scale that did not have a two in front of it for almost 30 years of my life.  When I think about that, I feel sad for that girl from the past, I had no self worth or self esteem... I definitely tried a few times over the years to lose the weight.  I was successful at times but I never got under the elusive 200, that is always the tough number... in the past I gave up and put the weight back on, today I pushed through and I reached my second goal, the first one being losing 50 pounds. To date I have lost 70 pounds, I have maybe another 20 pounds to take off.

That was a wonderful thing that happened to me in this year because with the weight loss, I started to gain my self esteem back and then came my self worth.  When I look in the mirror today, I like the body image I see... I think the last time I really did that was when I was 16, after that I just gained the weight year after year, losing some... gaining back more.  What is different about this time you might be thinking, that would be the exercising that I am doing along with eating healthy.  As well, I want it... I am dedicated and I am not letting anything get in my way.

Then along comes the challenges that I am really not going to get into because no one can make them right for me... suffice to say I sometimes wonder how I am still standing.  I remember when I was 16 years old and my grandmother told me how she thought I was one of the most tenacious people she knew.  It stuck with me as my nan wasn't one to hand out compliments very often, she was very kind and sweet though.  I remembered that through each challenge I have had, I have held on with tenacity.

I am beginning to believe I had to go through all that to be able to handle the ones I have been given this year.  Unfortunately it isn't just one... but that is life, I have to figure out how to find the joy from the pain that will eventually make me stronger than I am today.  I know this because every time I have dealt with something overwhelming I have been sure I could not handle the pain but I did of course and I became stronger.  That is why at the moment although it seems like I have been handed one too many things to deal with, in reality I just have to figure out a way through them... So I can see what I should be reaching for next.

I Am Worth An Hour And A Half Per Day, So Are You

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

All day yesterday I felt the need to get out and exercise... it seemed there was one thing after the other that came up to prevent me from actually getting out there... Finally just before nine pm, I pulled on my yoga pants, tank and sneakers, I set out to walk/jog a 5K...  The little app Map My Walk that I use tells me when I have walked a mile and how long it took, well last night it said in the low 16's which is really good for me, so it pushed me to walk faster and by the second mile I was still on track with being the low 16's... then I really picked up speed and sprinted off and on the rest of the way home.  I was so thrilled to make it home and see that I had beat my old time by four minutes, that is big for me.

I was really grateful that I didn't give up and say it was too hard to get out and take my walk last night, I really enjoyed it, it was cooler out and there were very few people out so I could just be free and sprint when I felt like it... Tonight when I went out, it was a little earlier but I wanted to be in bed at a much earlier time, anyhow... it was still sunny and warm... which made for a slower walk for me but I was grateful that I got out for this walk too... each one of these walks are just building blocks to make me stronger so that I will be ready when my 5K happens in October. 

I remember thinking, how am I ever going to run a 5K, I can barely walk a mile without wanting to stop and catch my breath???... Eight weeks ago I was so out of shape and I wondered what I had got myself into with joining the contest at work and now here I am, still a big girl but I am feeling amazing... I cannot believe how easy it was to change my life around in such a very short time.  I am loving the changes so much that I am really hoping we don't have a rough winter here this year, I want to continue to walk outside as much as I can... Even if we do have a lot of snow, I am going to find a way to incorporate exercise into my daily life...  I see how I miss it if I don't do a lot one day... I want to keep up with all the health benefits.

Also, I have been hearing some people say, that is great for you but I couldn't do that... they are right, they can't do it because they say they can't....  one of my favorite quotes of all times is 'Whether You Think You Can, Or Think You Can't, You're Right'...  I used to be one of those people, reading blogs of people that made time for fitness and thought, great for them, I couldn't do it.. Then I changed my mind and just got out there one day and started walking and never stopped... I am here to tell you that it is possible but YOU have to believe it, there is nothing I can say or anyone else for that matter... YOU have to believe it and just get out there, take the first step... will it be hard?  You bet it will be!!!  Does it get easier, a little but then I am continually pushing myself to be faster, go further so frankly it isn't easier for me and that is okay.

If you have thought about losing weight and getting healthy, open your front door tomorrow and go out for a walk, even if it is only a mile... it might only be a mile for the first little while but keep going, keep trying because eventually you will see yourself in a place you never thought possible and you will know that it really is up to you as I found out for myself... It was totally up to me, I had to make the time and really it is only an hour to an hour and a half per day... I am worth an hour and a half a day, so are you.  If you complain to me that you don't have time, I won't judge you, I will just let it go... I am not here to judge you or anyone else but if you make the effort, I will be your biggest cheerleader... I will root you on no matter where you are in the world.

Once the contest is over, the next thing I want to work on is strength training, I have long thought this was not my thing... however; with all the changes I have made in the past eight weeks, there is very little that I don't think I am capable of anymore. I know that when I put my mind to something, anything... I will be able to achieve it, it is only me who stops me... no one else.  I don't want to stop me anymore, I want to be my biggest cheerleader... I want to show myself I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Changing My Cants Into Cans

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I read this quote above about changing my cants into cans on someone's Facebook yesterday and it spoke to me...  The girl/woman that had it on her wall, used to be quite heavy and was in a very unhappy marriage... She gained the strength to leave her husband and then she changed her life by making the time to exercise and eat healthy... basically she loved herself enough to not stay in that situation.  She inspires me daily as I see how she keeps exercising to maintain her new weight... she also states that she will never be model skinny and she is quite happy with that but that girl is so healthy and fit.

I am grateful for all the strong women that I know, women that have risen above their situations to show me that I do not have to live with the past... I have surrounded myself with women who changed their circumstances and never looked back.  My absolute favorite thing about them is that not one of them says poor me, look what I have had to endure to get to where I am today... I know their stories well but that is not where they live... they live in the present... it is where I try to live everyday.

It's not like they just said, okay... that nasty, awful thing happened to me... I forgive the people who did it to me and I forgive myself for putting up with it... they had to go through some soul searching but they did not wallow in it... I love that strength they had and have... I came through some terrible things myself but that is not who I am anymore... I am making better choices for myself, I am living in the present and mainly I have forgiven the people that hurt me... I honestly forgive them and I feel for them... just how sad is their life that they had to hurt me to try to feel better.  I am hoping and praying always that those people move through their pain and forgive themselves and become the best person they can be... I think until I could do that, I could not move on... 

 

I have had numerous people ask me how I am so determined with this eating healthy and exercising... well... I changed my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.  I just started one day, instead of making an excuse to start another day, I got up and started that day.  Was it easy?  No way... it was hard...  my first walk was insane, I was blood red, so sweaty and hot... it was for a matter of 15-20 minutes.  I had to stop twice to catch my breath.  What did I do?  I got out and did it the next day ... was it simple the next day?  No... it was hard, each day was an effort and it continues to be an effort but I make it an effort now... I am not happy with just doing what I did the day before, I want it to be harder.

I want to push myself, I remember reading people's blogs like Joy's and Janice's and thinking WOW, how do these ladies do this, I could never do that... I am not that committed... well... I am now and if I am committed... then anyone can be... I want to do all those amazing things that they do and I will because I have made a choice to do them.  I am not going to sit here any longer and say I am 50, how can I do that?  Well, surprise, surprise... I am doing it.  When the contest at work is over the end of the month, The Biggest Loser should be starting their new season, I am going to join up on line with them and continue to get weighed in every Friday.

I have small goals, my first one is to lose the biggest percentage of weight and win the contest at work, the second is get to Christmas and hopefully be down an additional 30 pounds ... I am so looking forward to being in control of my weight and showing myself that all things are possible.  Then the next thing is to get to March and be in the 100's... a huge mile stone for me as I have not been there since I was in my early 20's.  The last one isn't even a weight, it is a size that I will be comfortable with and I have no idea what size that will be until I get there... Like I have said many, many times... I do NOT want to be skinny... I adore and love my curves and I plan to have them for my life.  I personally don't think skinny would look good on me.

I also know very well that this will always be a struggle for me and that I will have to watch what I eat by always counting calories and always exercising... I happen to think I am worth that work and I will never look back again.  I aim to show myself and others that no longer will I sit on the side lines and wonder why I cannot do what others do?  I can and I will... I have changed my cants to cans and my dreams to plans.... You can too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Looking Past The Sadness For The Joy

I had my final appointment with the plastic surgeon about my leg, I couldn't be happier about that.  He is one of those doctors that has a 'God' like complex... these people would do well to remember where they actually attained their talent.  He has been rude to me on many occasions and I was looking forward to seeing the last of him... the best thing I could say about him was that he does good work but had absolutely no personality other than being nasty.  His parting words were that I knew where he worked if I needed him... I politely advised him I would do everything in my power to not need him in the future.  My leg is completely healed from the surgery I had at the end of January this year, even he was surprised how good it looked.  I am grateful that it is finally healed after waiting eleven years to have someone understand it would not heal on it's own.

I am writing this at work on my lunch as tonight I will be spending time getting the living room organized and cleaned.  Most of the items there are Valentina's as she took over that room once I moved my computer in the bedroom... She and I are going to do this room together.  Tomorrow we are going to clean the kitchen together and then Thursday and Friday I am going to tackle my room which will just leave Valentina's room on Saturday.  After this is completed, I plan to walk all over the neighborhood looking for a new place to live.  I'm not worried, I know a place will be made available, it always happens that way... of course I will have to search... it is not like it will fall into my lap... lol.   I am also going to start collecting boxes so that I can pack away books and such items that I rarely use but still want to keep. 

I know I have been feeling a little emotional lately, it is just the way I feel and I find it hard to hold it back all the time. I am working on controlling that behavior of mine.. however; I cannot promise that I will not have the occasional down period.  I try very hard to be positive and upbeat... it isn't always easy though as there are things that happen to bring me down from time to time.  It doesn't mean that I wallow in that as that is not how I want to live my life but if I don't acknowledge it, I could end up making other choices that are worse than being a little down or sad.  I choose to let it out slowly here and there and I hope that people understand that I need to do this so that I don't allow it to build up to something I cannon manage.  Those are the times that I use past addictions to get through, the times I don't allow myself the luxury of just being sad.

I might be strong but I am not made of steel... I have a heart that feels when life does not turn out the way I want or hoped.  I am also aware that there are many people who have much more hardships in their lives.  I have had many and I don't use them to ask for pity from anyone, each of them were challenges I had to overcome and actually gained strength from... I just need a day from time to time when I am hit with something that makes my heart sad... For as much as I love with my soul, I feel sadness the same way.  There is no joy without sadness, otherwise we would never know true joy if we never felt sadness. 

Even though I know this in my heart and soul, it is still very hard to cope with when I am hit with the sadness...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥