Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

12 comments :

  1. Launna, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling sad and grieving, but I do think you are on the right path in trying to accept things as they are, even though they aren't what you had dreamed they would be. I hope things get easier for you with each passing day.

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  2. Thank you Daisy... I am trying so hard to get on the right path... I don't want to be sad forever...

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  3. To be sad and happy is the nature of our life, to except it when we are sad and to endure defines what will be our next destiny, whether it will be happy or not?

    Goodluck miam!!

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  4. Thank you Sangay... I hope I figure this out so that my destiny will be happy:-)

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  5. loss and grief hurts so darn much but something I do know for sure....it eventually passes and the good will shine through again. Tons of hugs Launna...praying today will be an awesome one for you.....

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  6. Thank you Nikki... I do have faith it will get better.. it will just take time :/

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  7. You won't be sad forever. Life is a life of ebbs and flows...always. Sadness is always a temporary condition.

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  8. Thank you Keith... I know I won't be sad forever, it is just taking much longer than I thought... I will be really happy again one day :)

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  9. I think of you as very brave my friend, it takes a lot of courage to just put it out there for the world to read and in dong that you have so many amazing people that have been attracted to you to help you through kind words or a virtual hug. Journals are great because you can reveal and purge but sometimes its more cathartic to share your feelings with others. Thanks for never holding back and someday soon I hope you are able to overcome this sadness you're feeling now.

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  10. Awe Jenn, you made me cry... I take it as a compliment that you think I am courageous... You are such an amazing writer... Thank you <3

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  11. I agree there is a higher purpose waiting for you to be discovered....don't look back however tempting it might be Launna. Move forward.

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  12. Thank you Petronela... I am trying but it breaks my heart so much to lose my David and my dream :'(

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤