Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Making Room For My New Life

We had a long weekend here in Canada, I was excited as I planned to sleep in a couple of the days... of course that didn't happen, however; I did get a lot of things done that I had on my list. I had a couple of ladies I know come to my home early this evening and we cleaned out my office, preparing for me to work from home in the near future. It is amazing how much stuff we hold on to... I found things I had not seen since I moved in here almost 8 years ago... I purged so much of it, it felt wonderful.  My motto is if I have not used it in the last 6 months, it is going. 

I am working on that with Valentina too... she tends to hold onto stuff and it just clutters her room. I know many people will say to me it is her room and I just need to close the door... she will learn to pick up after herself. Unfortunately that is not how it works with her, her room gets out of control and then she tends to leave it in many parts of the house. She went swimming today with a friend and she needed her lock, we had to go through all the bags she has and we found it with many of the other items she was missing...  I told her that her room is next on the list and that she really needs to think about what is important. 

Frankly if it is important, you will take care of it, you will know were it is... it will not be at the bottom of closet or in a bag with garbage in it... When I decided that working from home is very important to me, I knew I had to do whatever possible to make it happen. At first I believed it was moving to a new place but once I found out that Valentina will be needing braces for a few years I had to rethink what I actually needed. I still wanted to work from home and a way was suggested, I decided then and there to make it happen, not wait until I was given the green light... 

I think waiting would have meant stressing myself out at the last minute... I have become comfortable with my bed in the living room and by staying here, I have been forced to rid my house of unnecessary items... so I realized I never had to move, I had to change my thought patterns thinking that I needed more. Having more wouldn't have made me happy... Can you imagine if I had found the place, moved in and then found out about Valentina's teeth?... everything happens for a reason.  I needed to see that I had enough... more than enough. 

I'm content with where I am right now, I can see that it will be much less stress that I stay here... it is close to the grocery store, the dentist, the beautiful walking trail, major malls... I am able to walk to many of these places. I am looking forward to making it happen as soon as possible... Hopefully before the summer is over, I don't want to travel another winter and I want to be home for Valentina... sometimes we need to make concessions to have what we really need... 

I remember reading many years ago that if you want something in your life, you need to make room for it... that is why I decided to get prepared for this change in my life... This made me think about how I have cluttered other parts of my life so that I don't have room for change... It is time for me really think about what is important and what I can and cannot live with out, only then I will be able to make the room for what I really need in my life. 

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Joy Is Within

 I have been thinking about this post for a while, I have wanted to pick a word that I could ponder and incorporate in my life for this year and beyond. I had some great words and last week when I started writing about it, it never materialized... then a few friends gave me suggestions and I would think, oh... that's a good one. Yet nothing would come to me when I would think about writing about it. I spent my Sunday relaxing and catching up on all the blogs I follow... I knew I wanted to write tonight and when I came in to sit down... the word Joy came into my mind.... it's been something I have been thinking about for a while..

I have not felt joy for a very long time and this is the year I want to change that, it all started with forgiving her... I have to say, it feels good, she is still there, doing what she does best but I don't care anymore... what I care about is changing my mind and heart so that I can feel joy again. I have been so wrapped up in what I lost, what I don't have and what I feel the future holds for me that I was unable to see that nothing is set in stone, things change.. that is a part of life. What is the point of me being sad and not feeling joy? 

After injuring myself in November to the point that I couldn't exercise, I used that as an excuse to question why? Have I not had enough challenges, trials, losses? What was the point of me continuing to take care of myself when it seemed like an injury could come along and take away the little good I felt I had in my life. Believe me, whenever I was stressed I walked, whenever I was sad, I walked... I used walking to avoid my feelings. After being injured I had to start thinking about those feelings ... they were pretty difficult to deal with, so I tried to ignore them and eat. 

However; that is not acceptable to me any longer, I can't use that as an excuse to not take care of myself.... I started taking care of myself by forgiving her and I have been working on my surroundings, slowly getting that together.  Next was the word and I know it is a bit late coming but it finally came to me and I realize it's not just a word I want for 2016... it's a word I want to give thought about for my life. The truth for me is if there isn't joy, what is there?

Every last one of us has challenges, things that can drain us emotionally, physically and spiritually... if we don't have something to hold onto to get us through that... how are we to believe it can get better. For me, it is joy... it is much more than happiness.. it's a feeling that is possible even when a trial is happening because I know that no matter how challenging a trial is, joy will be there again. Somewhere along the line I lost that ability to see that as I was in a place I thought I would never get out of... so I questioned how could I feel joy again? Joy never left me, I just had a hard time seeing it. 

I have decided that one of the ways I am going to bring joy into my life is each day I will either write something down that I am grateful for, talk about it with someone or I will take a few minutes a day to ponder something I have gratitude for... Sometimes it is the small things that bring the biggest joy... I learned a great deal this past few weeks by forgiving her... I learned that joy is inside us, we just have to look within...

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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Putting In The Hard Work Brings Success

I had started a post on my phone a couple of days ago, I ended up scrapping most of it after dealing with some life altering changes today. Here's what I learned from them... one, I have to stand my ground and live my life the way I want to live it, I am not going to be pushed/pulled into something because of someone else, no one controls me but me. Two, I am more than capable of making changes when I put my mind to it... Whenever I think I can't do something, I just have to read past posts, which reminds me that if I can lose 75+ pounds in under a year and survive losing 'him' at the same time... I am more than capable of dealing with some small life altering changes.

I had lost my motivation for losing weight, or so I thought. I kept thinking I needed to be in more control and be more present in the present... Although I did not go overboard and eat the way that I used to over a year ago, I was definitely not as careful. I knew that I had gained some weight back as my clothes were fitting to a tee... where they had been loose. I reverted back to my old ways in that I didn't want to step on the scales. Tonight I finally hopped on and I found out that I had only gained a little less then 8 pounds over the past almost four months. I was so happy, so relieved and it motivated me.

I am back mapping my walks whenever possible and putting my food in to My Fitness Pal.  That last one is absolutely key for me. I am ALWAYS successful when I write down what I eat.  This is what works for me, I need to be accountable to myself... that is why Weight Watchers worked for me when I attended years ago. I was reading one of the blogs I follow awhile back (Grace Notes) and she wrote about a weight loss plan she was using. It was called IF, which stands for Intermittent Fasting. She was having great success with it and finally I Googled it last week and read up on it. I realized that this is what I had used to lose the weight without even realizing it.

When I had the best weight loss success last year, it was because I was eating all my food in an 8 hour window each day (usually between 8am to 4pm)... this works for me. So last week I started it again and I feel amazing... as well I am exercising more. I know that this is not something that works for everyone, just like Paleo works for so many people but this would not work for me as I do not eat that amount of meat and it is difficult for me to digest it.  However; this plan works so well for many people. I honestly think that we all have to figure out our way to get there, we are individuals with different needs.

As for my life altering change, I am directly in the middle of it at the moment and once I have a better idea of where I am going from here, I will be blogging about it. At the moment, there are just way too may variables and honestly I don't want to think about it today.  I am not one to put things aside until later but sometimes it is the best thing I can do.... take some time, figure out my options and than make a choice....

This reminds me that no matter how difficult life gets and how many curve balls are thrown my way, I can still eat healthy and not use that as an excuse to check out and gain all the weight back. I am not in a race to see how fast I can lose the most weight, I am in this for the long term, this is a life style change and I couldn't be more grateful for holding on to that when the past few months were quite chaotic.

Having a chaotic life is not an excuse to just eat what I want, it is about dealing with life head on and continuing to grow. I have caught a glimpse of the path in the last few months, it took making me a priority and looking for ways to get back on track. It is so funny (strange) because I learn these great a ha lessons that I write about and then I think I have it... yet I seem to forget what I have learned. I will have to remind myself daily what got me to where I am today (and that is perfectly fine with me, whatever it takes to stay on track and brings me success).

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Balancing One Challenge After The Other

I have been wanting to write but of course life is keeping me busy. I have had a lot of changes going on this past week. I had to change sitters suddenly but this was Valentina's choice and request so I couldn't deny her. She really liked her other sitter but she has a brother Valentina's age and he just wouldn't stop picking in her. I think children have enough to deal with in their lives, they don't need to feel trapped like that.

My new sitter comes to the house, so Valentina doesn't have to get out of bed until 7 am, which gives her more rest.  I have noticed a change in her already, she seems happier and not so snappy, I am happy for her. She is very relaxed and smiles a lot more, The other great thing is that I will get to see her as soon as I get home, sometimes I didn't see her for an hour or more later with her other sitter.

Even with good change, it is still an adjustment... nothing is smooth sailing and I am sure things will come up with this arrangement but we will work through them. Soon enough she will be on her own and this whole phase in life will be gone, I will miss it a bit because it will mean she is maturing and wanting to make more of her own life choices. I thought Andrea grew up fast but Valentina's years are whizzing by at the speed of light. I decided to slow it down a bit, have more time where we aren't rushing and snapping, life is relaxing a bit... just what I need before I start my courses.

I have not been great about getting myself into bed at a good hour ... I guess it is because I know I won't actually sleep. So part of me thinks it is better to be productive, than to lay there and just think. Trust me, I have tried just laying there, one night it lasted for three hours. However; with everything all said and done, I still need to rest my body more, especially with the two courses coming up next month.

I have decided to take the next four months as a challenge, I exceed all my expectations when I take on a challenge.  I am going to have to be organized and prepared... I only expect success from myself. Blogging might become a weekend activity for me so that I can be focused, I am going to take it one day a time, see how I feel and go from there.

I know I can't stay away from blogging for any length of time, I truly love going through my feed and seeing so many favorites posts.  I am just going to have to be choosy through out the week and then give myself some weekend time to catch up with all of you. It is all going to take balance, we all crave that balance... it helps us to feel aligned.

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Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

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Inspiration With New Possiblites

I've been inspired to write a letter a week about different parts of my life for one year.  Different events and people that changed my life, either good or bad.  Different life lessons I've learned... I was getting overwhelmed with how to start my book and this came to me.

I write better in letters, I think some of them will be lengthy... some shorter.  I feel so ready to write... I even have certain events... starting with my weight loss... back to the fire... a book from the present to the past, I want to start out with the weight loss and how I gained my life back by deciding to love myself enough to really believe I deserved to be healthy and active, I am after all just 50.  When I set out to lose the weight, I had no idea how much self esteem and self worth I would gain.

I hope that it is able to inspire other people, especially people at my age who think that it's impossible, nothing is impossible... only what our brain limits us to, I no longer want to be limited like I was in the past.  As you all know I have been dealing with some difficult challenges, one of them has come to a conclusion and frankly as much as I thought in the past that I would fall apart, I think I was numb when that challenge came along.  The end result came quickly and I easily let it pass.  The other trial is not one I can just say oh well, I somehow have to figure out how to make that one right.  Someone asked me how long I would wait to see it right, I said for the rest of my life.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to live, I have the other 20 pounds I want to lose, I am going to complete my PCP by the summer and then I have a really big idea of something I want to do but that is down the road.  Oh and I am going on a date on Saturday, he seems sweet.. he's been a gentlemen ... my side that has a hard time trusting wonders if he might be too good to be true.  Anyhow, I will find out Saturday, I am tentatively hoping he is as nice as he is coming off.  I think it will be great to be attracted to someone again, for the past two years I have not been the least bit interested... I think my heart had to have time to heal a little.

I'm still not sure I am ready to love yet but I will never know if I don't try... My heart is leery but this guy has kind of peaked my interest ... which is new to me.  Anyhow, I am taking my time, meeting him for a hot chocolate and talking, then go from there.  So, I am not living in the past and I most definitely don't have my head in the clouds about my future, I am living today... making goals and working on things, I see a lot of improvement.  I am grateful to have some goals and getting my passion back ... I had lacked that part of me for a long time. 

I hope everyone is in the festive mood and getting their last minute things done so that you can enjoy Christmas with your family and friends.  I am getting there, I will just take a couple nights next week and get it all done, I am looking forward to relaxing and watching Christmas shows and movies with Valentina, it is just not Christmas until I have watched it's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and How the Grinch Stole Christmas... plus we have had snow, so it looks like it might even be a white one. I had planned to read my blogs tonight but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I am a bit more refreshed, I had an hour and half chat with the guy I am meeting on Saturday.. so now it is time for sleep. 

 

Changing My Cants Into Cans

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I read this quote above about changing my cants into cans on someone's Facebook yesterday and it spoke to me...  The girl/woman that had it on her wall, used to be quite heavy and was in a very unhappy marriage... She gained the strength to leave her husband and then she changed her life by making the time to exercise and eat healthy... basically she loved herself enough to not stay in that situation.  She inspires me daily as I see how she keeps exercising to maintain her new weight... she also states that she will never be model skinny and she is quite happy with that but that girl is so healthy and fit.

I am grateful for all the strong women that I know, women that have risen above their situations to show me that I do not have to live with the past... I have surrounded myself with women who changed their circumstances and never looked back.  My absolute favorite thing about them is that not one of them says poor me, look what I have had to endure to get to where I am today... I know their stories well but that is not where they live... they live in the present... it is where I try to live everyday.

It's not like they just said, okay... that nasty, awful thing happened to me... I forgive the people who did it to me and I forgive myself for putting up with it... they had to go through some soul searching but they did not wallow in it... I love that strength they had and have... I came through some terrible things myself but that is not who I am anymore... I am making better choices for myself, I am living in the present and mainly I have forgiven the people that hurt me... I honestly forgive them and I feel for them... just how sad is their life that they had to hurt me to try to feel better.  I am hoping and praying always that those people move through their pain and forgive themselves and become the best person they can be... I think until I could do that, I could not move on... 

 

I have had numerous people ask me how I am so determined with this eating healthy and exercising... well... I changed my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.  I just started one day, instead of making an excuse to start another day, I got up and started that day.  Was it easy?  No way... it was hard...  my first walk was insane, I was blood red, so sweaty and hot... it was for a matter of 15-20 minutes.  I had to stop twice to catch my breath.  What did I do?  I got out and did it the next day ... was it simple the next day?  No... it was hard, each day was an effort and it continues to be an effort but I make it an effort now... I am not happy with just doing what I did the day before, I want it to be harder.

I want to push myself, I remember reading people's blogs like Joy's and Janice's and thinking WOW, how do these ladies do this, I could never do that... I am not that committed... well... I am now and if I am committed... then anyone can be... I want to do all those amazing things that they do and I will because I have made a choice to do them.  I am not going to sit here any longer and say I am 50, how can I do that?  Well, surprise, surprise... I am doing it.  When the contest at work is over the end of the month, The Biggest Loser should be starting their new season, I am going to join up on line with them and continue to get weighed in every Friday.

I have small goals, my first one is to lose the biggest percentage of weight and win the contest at work, the second is get to Christmas and hopefully be down an additional 30 pounds ... I am so looking forward to being in control of my weight and showing myself that all things are possible.  Then the next thing is to get to March and be in the 100's... a huge mile stone for me as I have not been there since I was in my early 20's.  The last one isn't even a weight, it is a size that I will be comfortable with and I have no idea what size that will be until I get there... Like I have said many, many times... I do NOT want to be skinny... I adore and love my curves and I plan to have them for my life.  I personally don't think skinny would look good on me.

I also know very well that this will always be a struggle for me and that I will have to watch what I eat by always counting calories and always exercising... I happen to think I am worth that work and I will never look back again.  I aim to show myself and others that no longer will I sit on the side lines and wonder why I cannot do what others do?  I can and I will... I have changed my cants to cans and my dreams to plans.... You can too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Absence Of Me

I have been very busy with my oldest daughter Andrea, my son in law Paul and my grandson Jackson visiting that I have had very little time to actually blog... That is changing as they are heading home on Thursday morning.  I cannot even begin to explain how enamored I am with my grandson, he gives kisses and hugs and says I love you nana... my heart melts every time I look at his sweet face.  He is such a happy little boy, I love that about him.  I know he can be a handful for his parents... he is almost two but I see the sweetness in him even when he is somewhat out of control... due to lack of sleep or the very little sugar he is allowed to have...

So, it will be back to normal for me on Thursday, I have been readily available at a moments notice while my oldest daughter was here which meant I didn't get in as much walking, my decision, not hers.  I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her and her beautiful little family.  Something had to give, a little less exercising and writing in my blog. Truly I should be in bed, catching up on some much needed sleep but I felt the need and desire to write... first I had to catch up with all the blogs I follow, the number is rising but I find that since I have added them to my Bloglovin list and I get all the updates in one place, so it's been easier for me to find a quick moment on my phone to read and comment on a few, instead of doing a bunch in the morning and the rest at night.

I thought about how I had been absent for the past couple of nights, I have had really late nights and I have had very little energy to even think, let alone write...  Hence why I had the need to do a catch up blog. I know I don't have to write in this every night but for me writing everyday, or close to it as possible, is like following my exercise plan and eating healthy, it becomes a habit, a good habit that helps me to be better and to be more present.  When I am absent due to commitments or lack of sleep, I miss the writing, the exercising... etc.

Consequently, I felt like I have been absent from my blogging by not putting any effort into preparing a blog, even though I was spending time reading others and being very inspired by so many.  I felt the need to write tonight... or early Wednesday morning, so that I won't allow my absence to become permanent.  The same with my exercise, I am going back at it with full force tomorrow, no excuses... I am going to exercise my 3-4 miles, I am making the time.  There are a ton of reasons I can think of for taking a break but not one of them are good reasons, being absent is never good for me... being present, helps me to excel at the challenges that have been set before me... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It's In My Control, All I Have To Do Is Decide To Win

My new sitter started yesterday, she arrived on time, she's a little shy (that will be gone soon.... with me, lol).  She also has Valentina walking every where as she herself doesn't take the bus.  This will be very good for my Valya... and for me. Also my work is starting up a ten week Biggest Loser contest... just in case you didn't know, I am extremely competitive... if it is in my control, I will win... it is in my control.  Now I have three reasons to lose weight, one... to get healthy, two... to win the contest and three... to show I can do it...

I am seeing things changing slowly around to my direction... I cannot believe how crystal clear some changes are becoming... all of which gives me hope that how my life is now, is not how it will be... I really needed to learn that.  I had lost that belief... it was always there.

This change in me has happened because first I found out something that made me smile and that cannot be taken away... it's out there... I know the truth... Second there's hope where I was unable to see any and third I will be good with the outcome either way... see the first reason.

I found out that I am in the drivers seat.. I always was... now I know it.  That feels amazing... I guess I had to think I lost it all to appreciate it and to find I never really lost it at all..  Life might not be exactly as I hoped it would be at this very moment in time... it's not as far off as I had originally thought.

The deep sadness and fear I had filled me and the ways I dealt with it stopped me from seeing what was directly in front of me.  I talked about how I needed and wanted to live in the present but until I saw that one sliver of light... I was living in the past and looking for the future.When I live like that, I cause myself unnecessary emotional  pain.  It feels do good to be clear and to know that all I have to do is live in this moment and the future will take care of itself.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Wish There Was A Dream Store...

I finally got some sleep, not so much last night but today... which means I may not be able to sleep tonight.  It's difficult to always know what to do when it comes to sleeping in the day but I have tried the day without a nap and still was not able to sleep.  It's because there are times that I lay my head down, close my eyes and then all my feelings bombard me.  If I sleep though I can't control my thoughts and emotions like I can when I am awake but when I sleep all I do is dream of David. How am I supposed to get over him if all I ever do is dream about him in my sleep. 

I have been trying to get over it by controlling my thoughts... that only works for so long.  Bottling up those feelings only enhances the emotions when something like a song comes on that has me sobbing and wishing...  I had never known anyone that I could totally be myself with and say whatever was on my mind and not once felt judged, until I reconnected with him.  Feeling so in sync with another person and seeing a long term future... for me an eternity.  That is the dream that is hard to give up.

I am having a hard time dealing with all the let downs I have had in the past year and a half... which then makes me feel ungrateful.  It is an endless circle I run in lately, part of me wants to find a way to deal with it all and just move on... I don't want to cry just because I hear a song, see something that reminds me that this was not the the way it was supposed to be. 

I have accepted my present and I am working on moving on... it's losing the future dreams that are more difficult.  What I need to do is find a new dream for the future... and then have that be what I dream about when I am sleeping.  I might actually be able to sleep then...  Now to find that dream... is there a dream store?  If only it was that easy....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Live In The Moment: Now!

"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time of which you have any control: now."~Denis Waitley


The quote above pretty well entails everything I have been pondering lately...  I certainly have learned from my past.  There are still many things I have to learn, going in for this operation is going to be a test for me, in a good way.  Right now when I don't feel like thinking about certain things or I don't like the way something is going in my life... I do things so that I don't have to think or feel... like eating unhealthy food.  I won't be able to pop out to a store and by a chocolate bar or junk food of my choice.  

I am going to have my food limited to healthy, I will no choice... let's see how I feel over the next six weeks and I am hoping I will feel like continuing on with it.  I also will be getting plenty of rest, something I clearly don't give my body enough of... Sleeping enough would mean I was clear minded and I would have to deal with whatever is going on that I don't want to deal with, lack of sleep leaves me in a fog, less time to think. 

For my present, I have only one thing... Live in the moment: Now!

For my future, I am setting goals and sticking to them... I am going to continue to blog daily, I am going to get the divorce kit so that I can start my divorce (I heard it is very detailed, now I will have the time to focus).  Next I have two people I am going to go zip lining with and most important as soon as I heal and start feeling better.  I am going incorporate exercise into mine and Valentina's life.  I want to run a 5K by the end of the year.  

All of these detailed goals are fully achievable... I also have some dreams and there is truly nothing wrong with dreaming... otherwise we would never grow beyond what we would ever believe possible.    

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥