Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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I Need To Stop Fearing The Answer

I've been in an off mood this past week, I wasn't even sure why... tonight it came to me, although I love the Fall season, I am literally unhappy that Winter will be following. I cannot think of any real redeeming qualities of that season. The only one that even remotely comes to mind is that it makes me appreciate every other season that follows it much more... I don't like being house bound, nor wearing so many clothes I feel like a snowman, or fearing the ice that could have me fall and hurt myself.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't even allowing myself to think about it but with the cool air reminding me that it's not too far off and seeing the year flying by at the speed of light has brought last years memories back. I honestly thought of moving somewhere, anywhere, as long as there was not massive ice there. I know that all places have their downfalls, nowhere is perfect and for the most part I do enjoy living where there are four seasons... just not where one of the seasons drags on for more months than I care to think about. 

When this time of the year comes, with the time change, less daylight... less chance to enjoy the outdoors, it leaves me edgy. I already miss that I could take off at 9:00 at night and walk for an hour... I especially miss that I didn't need any sort of jacket. I need to be able to just get up and go, it always clears my mind and when I can't I feel muddled... which leaves me off balance, if that makes any sense. This week I was eating food that I normally wouldn't eat, I realized it was my way of not dealing with a question I have, one I don't want to hear the answer to... Last night I reminded myself that not dealing with it would only cause other issues, eating poorly isn't the answer.

Finding out the answer whether I want to hear it or not is the only way to deal with it... because although I am still exercising a lot, I know that I cannot exercise my way out of a bad diet. Thankfully, I don't allow myself to stay in that place of denial like I used to, although I fear the answer I don't want to fear it enough to give up what I have worked so hard to attain. Besides, although I don't want to hear the answer, it probably isn't as awful as I think, it rarely is, right...?

I'm struggling right now, most people don't want to hear that and I understand, I think it's because most of us are struggling and we want to hear good and uplifting things so that we can believe that there is a way through. Well, even though I am struggling I do believe that it will get better because it always has... however; I still have to go through low, challenging trials where I have to put in the work to get to where I want to be...

Though I know change is inevitable and ultimately good for me, it still isn't easy to see the good that will eventually come from it... Today as I spoke with some friends, I was reminded that all those difficulties and challenges that I dealt with in the past taught me strength and empathy... maybe the question I have been afraid to ask is the very thing that will make me stronger when I am finally willing to accept the answer I fear...

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Loving Myself Is The Answer

I read this quote on Instagram and I was completely touched by it. It reminded me of how many times I had removed 'jewels' from my crown so that a man would 'love me' ... instead of finding a man that was worthy of me, I had lowered myself more times than I care to remember. Over the years I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I still single? Especially when being married to someone I loved and who loved me was all that I wanted. 

I have never been the girl who wanted the big career, I have never been the girl that wanted fame and I have never been the girl that wanted excessive money... I have been the girl that wanted love. When it didn't happen over the years, I had began to think it must be me, something I was doing wrong... over the last year and a half, it came to me that I had been selling myself short with the men that I had dated. I had forgot my worth. 

I got less then I deserved because I had expected it, in my mind I didn't deserve much more... all of this came after I had lost 'him' as my best friend... because at one time I had thought I was SO lucky to have 'him'... I neglected to remember that 'he' was lucky to have me. When 'he' stopped being friends with me due to a misunderstanding that I was not given a chance to explain, I ended up falling into a depression... this was when my eyes and my heart started to open more. 

I begin to see how I had thought I deserved so little over my life and this was why I had so little... what you expect is what you get... I remember a night 'he' and I were talking before 'he' came home and I was so excited and I told him I deserved 'him'... he stopped me that night and said, did I ever think it was 'him' that deserved me?... I was touched by what he had said but I didn't believe it for a very long time. 

What we both neglected to remember was that love isn't about deserving one another, love is about loving ourselves first and giving the best of ourselves to the other person. I now know that I had not loved myself enough and because I didn't I was not able to truly love anyone else enough. I had lived with fear that I was going to be alone, since I couldn't love myself, how could anyone else love me either. 

Although I may not find the love of my life, I now know more than ever that I want nothing less ... especially since I am willing to give my all to the right person if they were to come along. I never thought I would write this or more I never thought I would believe this... but I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't truly love me... I love myself enough to never settle for someone just because I think I deserve some kind of love. 

The truth is we all deserve love, the question is do we know that loving ourselves is really the answer?

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Taking Time For Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I know it has been sometime, I have been taking time for me, first and foremost I have not had a panic attack since Saturday night, I am hoping they are behind me... I really think a lot of it had to do with worrying about my David and lack of sleep... David seems to be getting a little better everyday and I have been getting to bed at a ridiculously early time the past few nights... yesterday my head hit the pillow by 8:30 pm.  With all this going on, I have not been exercising as much as I like, I am getting back to that tomorrow and then I am officially joining The Canada Games Center on Friday, I am beyond thrilled about that.  I went up for the official tour with Valentina on Monday and I fell in love with the place.  It has every imaginable activity for me to get involved with... I love the walking/running track and I can take Zumba twice a week for sure, maybe even more... Valentina is especially thrilled about being able to swim so much.

Also, I have been trying to catch up on all the blogs I follow and that has been no easy feat to say the least. Some of the blogs I follow didn't get comments, especially if there was more than one entry, due to the fact that I would never be able to catch up otherwise but I did read everyone's posts.  I wanted to comment as I am the girl who LOVES to comment... I like people to know I was there, reading it and how they touched me.  However; I will have to give myself a break and understand it is not always possible to comment on every single post that is written, I do have to work and be a mama as well. I hope you all understand and I will try not to let them build up again, life takes over occasionally.

So, today I decided to wear a dress to work, I rarely do that, mainly because I walk a fair distance usually and I don't like being all dressed up and sweaty... today I took the bus.  I was pleasantly surprised by all the comments if not slightly embarrassed.  I do like to look nice but because I exercise so much I rarely do anything more than put a pony tail in my hair and apply a little lipstick... which never stays on for long.  Once I am going to the center every evening, I have decided that I am going to take the bus in the morning so that I can do my hair, wear a little make up, and besides I will be carrying all my gym items as I plan to stay on the bus after work and go out there directly every night.

This way both Valentina and I will get to exercise together and I won't be taking more time away from her... I will be able to relax a little more in the morning and not run out the door at 6:15 am.  I am looking forward to having a little more time where I am not feeling so rushed.  Besides winter is just around the corner and I want to make sure that she and I are in a good groove when the bad weather hits.  I still plan to walk a little here and there, especially as long as the streets are clear of snow and ice but I won't be at the mercy of the weather anymore and that will be wonderful.

I have to say something, I am getting the most confusing and mixed up messages that I have ever had in my life. Lately all I have been doing is trying to decipher what is going on, it is like hot and cold... have you ever been in that situation?  I sometimes have no idea if I am coming or going, not sure which is up or which is down? The answer lies in asking some questions, getting some clarity but how do I get that when I am not the one that can give the answers and the answers don't seem to be forthcoming?  It's almost as if the confusion lies with them too... All I know is my head is spinning and frankly I will need to focus on myself for awhile... Hopefully this situation will resolve itself in time.... I know it will eventually, this can only go on for so long before I end up taking matters into my own hands and requesting some real answers... The kind that skirting around them won't work eventually...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥