Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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Life Is A Circle Of Feelings

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes, they were incredibly sweet... I had a quiet birthday with Valentina, which ended up being exactly what I wanted. I wasn't able to go para sailing as I had originally wished but I wasn't able to find someone to go with... and we ended up having massive thunder and lightening... so I am sure I will get there in time. 

Also, thank you all for the encouragement to keep working towards being organized, I spent Friday with that lady who helped me before, we were able to clean and organize all six closets. Most of the time was spent on Valentina's two closets, teenagers can be pack rats and so messy. I allowed her to have some say as it is her room but I encouraged her to purge as much as possible. Her two closets took more time than the four other closets combined. 

I feel like by being organized that first I feel lighter, I instantly know where my items are and I want to keep it up, second it's easier to clean when there isn't so many items in the way. With all this, I am encouraged to keep eating healthy, which is even more of a reason to keep this up. The exercise is really coming along slowly due to the weight gain which causes pain, however; I have lost some weight by eating properly and I believe it will get easier with time once I lose a little bit more weight. I have decided that a bike is a good way for me to go, it will be less stress on my knees and help my quads to become stronger. That way I can take a couple of bike rides down the trail each day. 

I've had a major challenge that normally would have put me into a tailspin where I would have just ate so that I wouldn't have to feel the sadness and pain but I don't want to fall backwards and I know eating won't help me in the long run, I would just feel more unhealthy and uncomfortable... I am in charge of how I feel and how I will react. Just because someone accepted less doesn't mean that I have too... actually I have to say I feel sorry for the people that accept much less then they deserve. 

With saying all this I will always be there for those people, if a person realizes the choices that they made were not really the best, they need for their family/friends to just be there for them... no judgement ... we all make poor choices in our lives and honestly it is easier to admit it if you know you have someone who will never judge you and try to tell you they told you so... Forgiveness really comes with letting it go and not trying to be the right one... 

I know life is about trials that bring emotions we need to learn how to handle... because if we don't figure out how to deal with them, they just keep coming back to us until we do understand... This past month of organizing has given me a clarity, having less clutter really frees me up to deal with emotions I have buried... ones that were too painful to deal with at the time. Life really is a circle of feelings, knowing this reminds me that sadness really can turn into joy in time...

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Regret Is Nothing Without Change

Late last night I was laying in bed, I had heard something that was making me think about everything I have dealt with in the past few years.  How it had caused me not to trust myself... when I had to admit that it was because I didn't want to trust anyone else... I thought it would be easier... if I didn't allow myself to trust anyone, I couldn't be hurt right? I started thinking about what I would be remembered for... the girl who refused to trust anyone because she was afraid of being hurt... 

Do I really want to be remembered for that? Is that what I want ... people saying how sad it was that I refused to give life a chance again? I haven't been happy for a long time, I had to conclude it was because I was unwilling to trust again. I don't know that I am completely ready to go full speed ahead with trusting but I know I want to try... even though I have been hurt, disappointed and had my dreams broken... I don't want to live with this sadness anymore... 

I took a step today and joined a dating site, I may not find the great love of my life ... maybe it will be finding a good friend... I don't want to be closed off to trying anymore...  It's very true that I can be happy on my own and that is more likely what will happen ... I just don't want to live with regret... I think that is the saddest way to live life.

I might even be hurt again, that comes with trying... but what I realized is that I'm pretty sure I cannot be hurt as deeply as I was before and even though I am still not healed, I survived that... and I didn't think I could or would. So, it might be scary to really open myself up again but not trying would be more scary... This summer is going to be about facing some of my fears, the first one will be zip lining to work on conquering my fear of heights... the next is putting myself out there even if it means being hurt or rejected.

Also, I have to admit to myself that I had given up on myself in these past few months, it was easier than dealing with what was right in front of me. I have been comforting myself with food because of my fears and sadness... I wouldn't even confront how far I have strayed.... The only way to get back on the path I want to be is to accept the truth and make the necessary changes. I've decided that as soon as I'm working at home (which will be soon) I will be making my health a priority ...  

I am going to start with small steps and the first thing is being honest with myself, the second is making a plan and the third and most important is living that plan. I don't want to go back to where I was, I wasn't happy or healthy... I might have given up on myself but I don't have to stay there... I can make the changes I need to make... so that I don't live my life with regret... 

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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The Path I Must Follow

I had a rather quiet and reflective day, it was a day that I didn't really have anywhere to go and I didn't have much of anything to do... so I spent most of the day with my thoughts and I even had a small nap.  It was beautiful today, Spring is definitely on it's way, just when we all wonder if it will happen, it shows up.  I love days like today, not that I think it is always great to be unproductive but sometimes I just need one of those days where nothing is expected of me, I end up being rejuvenated for my next task.

Remember that challenge I talked about having to face as early as this summer, well, it's happening a lot sooner than I thought... Change is like that, you think you have time to prepare for it but it comes sooner and we just have to learn how to get through.  I guess there is a good reason that it is happening now, I tend to over analyze everything if I have too much time.  I don't have time to really think about it, I just have to go with whatever is handed my way and make the best of it.

I've decided that I will accept the change that is coming and not fight against it as I normally do... Just because I think I know what is best for me, doesn't always mean that I do... sometimes (most times) I have to be shown the hard way.... For once I think I will take the path that looks hard and hope for better results, since the path that looks easy is never what it seems... there is always something difficult given to you to show you that the easiest path just looks like it is easy.

I will say this, I feel like I am going to have to lose more than I might be wanting to lose... but the outcome could mean much more than I ever thought...  I will find out if taking the path that looks harder actually ends up being more rewarding... The quote below reminds me each day that if I want a different result I HAVE to make a different choice.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

At the moment I am feeling rather confident in my choice...  I hope I can grow this confidence for each phase that I am going to have to deal with...  The path of least resistance never lead me anywhere I wanted to be, so I am choosing the path I must follow.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Another Kind Of Love

I have been debating the dating idea all day, I finally decided that I'm going to give myself a year.  I am going to concentrate on Valentina, my job and advancing as well as getting healthy and losing weight.  My life is going to be much too busy to have anyone in it.  I think once I lose the weight that I will feel more comfortable with dating again and I have come to an understanding with myself in that I am just not going to love anyone as much as I love my David but that doesn't mean I can't love someone else, it just means that it would be very different. 

David and I are closer in ways that most people are not, that is not easy to find even with just friends let alone love.  Most people are not always that open, it takes a great deal of trust to be that way with someone.  I think anyone who finds it knows how lucky they are and they don't take it for granted... I love that close friendship I have with David.  I do know that I need to move ahead in the future, especially since I do not want to repeat my mothers footsteps. 

I think that is what we learn from the people in our lives such as our parents, we watch how they handle the challenges that have been given to them and we either see them make strong choices and living by their convictions so that we too model this in our lives.  Or we see how they let the challenges get the better of them and we then choose to follow in their path or go ahead and make a better path. 

I will always love David, I will always be close to him... he will be the person I go to when I am feeling stressed or judged or I just need a laugh.  But I will need to step outside that huge comfort zone of mine since I don't want to spend my life alone... and I am great company, I am pretty happy being on my own... I don't need someone to entertain me... but I do think that having someone to share my life with would enrich me and make me a better person.  A more loving and giving person... I don't want to become bitter and sad in my old age, I want to smile and look back at my life and think wow, I really lived.

Once the time comes, I am sure I will blog about the dates...  That will be interesting for anybody I date, finding out they are being written about.... lol.   I used to wonder what my David thought about me writing about him so openly, I asked him one time if it was okay or if it bothered him?  He said no, it was okay... so that is why I am pretty open about him

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Being Uniqe And Standing Out

First, I did get a little sleep last night... not that I don't want more because I do... but I did get some, which was good as I was a lot less giddy then I was the day before.  One of my friends messaged me and asked what was wrong with being giddy, I said you may want to talk with my co-workers.  I have a loud laugh that I do not hold back when something strikes me as funny and when I have not slept... well, let's say it so much louder.  They are all good though, they told me it wasn't the same without me there and that the aisle I am in was much too quiet. 

I am positive that the people I went to junior high and high school would be in massive disbelief that I am as open and friendly as I am today.  I was incredibly and painfully shy that if someone looked at me, I would wish the floor would open up and swallow me...   Of course the people at work only know the boisterous and friendly me and find it incredibly difficult to believe that at one point in my life, I did all that I could to blend in so no one would see me.  At least I have my David who could vouch for me, he knew me when I was at my shyest, he says he likes how open I have become over the years, I know I am much happier not trying to conform to what others want.

 

I am me and if someone doesn't like me, oh well... I do what I can to be the best me and that is all I can do.  Not everyone is going to like me or get me, I am quirky...  but I like that I am unique and that I can make people  laugh with all my silly antics.  Where I may have been mortified in my youth to stand out, I relish the challenge... I no longer care nor do I want to be a cookie cutter of anyone else... that is the biggest issue with people these days.   People trying to be someone they are not to have someone like them or to conform to what they think they need to be able to fit in.  Really??? we are not in high school, we are adults and I for one celebrate all of our differences, it is what makes us special. 

I like being special, memorable and quirky... I am anything but boring and I don't ever plan to be boring...  Fitting in is just not where it is, it is those people that are willing to stand out that get places in life.  The question is do you want to sit on the side lines for fear of what other people will say, today I don't care... let others sit on the side lines... I don't want to get to a point in my life and regret not living my life to the fullest, I want to say WOW... I really lived life to the fullest and I had an amazing time.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥