Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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I'm Making Memories, Not Just Dreaming

 

What a week I've had ... I started it out on a low and ended it on a high. I was pretty frustrated with how I was feeling and how I couldn't seem to change it... This week was a learning and growing week for me.  I've been talking with a guy, somebody I talked to a couple of years ago. I won't be discussing him openly if and until this becomes something more, even then I won't be gushing about how lucky I am over social media.

I don't need a man to make me happy... of course I want someone special to spend my life with but I can guarantee he will have to put the work in to prove he's serious. I want a real commitment, I'm not a teenager, I won't be endlessly dating, nor do I plan to live with any man until he figures out what he wants. Why? Because I'm a girl that has finally learned that I will not accept less.

What brought me to this point? Friends and acquaintances who were posting about how lucky they were to have so and so or stating how so and so loved them and how blessed they were because of this... I actually sat back and thought what? You know what I thought when I read these things? I felt sad for these women who seemed to think they had to thank the men they were with for loving them... my personal thought was, how about loving themselves first?

I say this because I was there before... I remember how lucky I felt that 'he' wanted to date me, I was over the moon... wow... I thought so little of myself. Today I'm in a much different place ... I had my eyes opened in the past year. My wish is that we all remember our worth and stop gushing about how lucky we are to have a man. We all deserve love and finding/having love doesn't make us luckier... posting about it endlessly makes us sound insecure. 

My life is pretty full with Valentina, work, exercise, blogging... the list is long. Although I have not ruled out love, I have to tell you that the guy that wins my heart will have to be pretty special... I want an equal partner, one that sees how incredibly special I am too... I plan to make memories, not just dream about what I want in my life...

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Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

 

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.

So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.

I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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Loving Myself Is The Answer

I read this quote on Instagram and I was completely touched by it. It reminded me of how many times I had removed 'jewels' from my crown so that a man would 'love me' ... instead of finding a man that was worthy of me, I had lowered myself more times than I care to remember. Over the years I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I still single? Especially when being married to someone I loved and who loved me was all that I wanted. 

I have never been the girl who wanted the big career, I have never been the girl that wanted fame and I have never been the girl that wanted excessive money... I have been the girl that wanted love. When it didn't happen over the years, I had began to think it must be me, something I was doing wrong... over the last year and a half, it came to me that I had been selling myself short with the men that I had dated. I had forgot my worth. 

I got less then I deserved because I had expected it, in my mind I didn't deserve much more... all of this came after I had lost 'him' as my best friend... because at one time I had thought I was SO lucky to have 'him'... I neglected to remember that 'he' was lucky to have me. When 'he' stopped being friends with me due to a misunderstanding that I was not given a chance to explain, I ended up falling into a depression... this was when my eyes and my heart started to open more. 

I begin to see how I had thought I deserved so little over my life and this was why I had so little... what you expect is what you get... I remember a night 'he' and I were talking before 'he' came home and I was so excited and I told him I deserved 'him'... he stopped me that night and said, did I ever think it was 'him' that deserved me?... I was touched by what he had said but I didn't believe it for a very long time. 

What we both neglected to remember was that love isn't about deserving one another, love is about loving ourselves first and giving the best of ourselves to the other person. I now know that I had not loved myself enough and because I didn't I was not able to truly love anyone else enough. I had lived with fear that I was going to be alone, since I couldn't love myself, how could anyone else love me either. 

Although I may not find the love of my life, I now know more than ever that I want nothing less ... especially since I am willing to give my all to the right person if they were to come along. I never thought I would write this or more I never thought I would believe this... but I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't truly love me... I love myself enough to never settle for someone just because I think I deserve some kind of love. 

The truth is we all deserve love, the question is do we know that loving ourselves is really the answer?

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Wow, I Deserve Even Better

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Where do I start?  At the beginning?  I then have to ask, which beginning?  The one for him and me, where then I explain how the beginning came long before that. It came from growing up feeling unloved and unwanted... My father was an absent one for the majority of the time and Ruth was my stepmother (she certainly could have lived up to the wicked stepmother).  I know lots of people will say that is not an excuse, they can point out many people who overcame that and had life long loving relationships.  I am not one of them, I am the one who has chosen unavailable men all of her life, why because I never felt worthy of love, I just craved it. However; the more I craved it, the more it eluded me...

The more it eluded me, the more I felt undeserving of it, first I met a man when I was 16 years old, he was 20.  All I can say, is where were my parents, I would not allow my daughter to date someone that old when she was only 16.  I would have put my foot down with Andrea, there are parents who need to step up to the plate, my parents were not those people.  I can't say that it was my mother as she felt she couldn't say much since she had not been in our lives for 10 years. That would be my father who was so lax... I don't know why he was but he was.

Anyway, that first relationship ended after an on again, off again for three years and when it did, it took me less than a month to get over him. Most guys after that were similar, meet a guy... guy is no good... have a short relationship... break up and get over them.  Along comes second important guy, he wouldn't marry me because I had already had a child outside of marriage and he couldn't explain that to his parents.   This coming from a man who had a child outside of marriage that he didn't tell his parents about until years later.  Okay that relationship ended... that took years to really end, it was before my marriage and after my marriage.  It took him being so callous after my ex husband Andrey raped me... saying what did I expect?  NOT THAT!!!!

In between that relationship, I married Andrey... that relationship was awful, from near beginning to the end.  He started out small, with calling me a few names, to yelling, to swearing to pushing... I finally got out of that and then less then a year later, he raped me.  A year after that he threatened to kill me... Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in that marriage... not because I was in love with him, I wasn't for a very long time and it was never real love.  I stayed because I signed papers where I was responsible for him, as soon as I found out I was no longer obligated, I set myself free.

Then I went on a dating spree, I don't think there is a better word for it, I saw who I wanted and I didn't care what anyone thought.   Finally about six months before I started speaking with him, I had settled down, I wanted something more than just frivolous dating.  I fell fast and I fell hard, it was simple, he was sweet, he was kind and I thought finally I was going to be with someone who I was deserving of and someone who was deserving of me.  That of course was not to be...  Then because of how I was raised, where I lacked love as a child, the reason I craved it so much... I held on longer than I should...Continuing to move forward now as I have been, each day moving on...

I keep reading that quote about letting go for something better, I will have to look that one up and add it in here... I can tell you this, he better be amazing, like crazy amazing... I am just not settling for less, I am sure he exists, I'm not giving up hope.  I think when I lost him, I lost hope... I started thinking how could I find anyone who would make me feel that special again but I will and like the quote says it will be even better, this time, the amazing guy will love me too.  I had to have him and lose him to find out that I deserved even better...(not that he wasn't wonderful because he is, that's why I say, wow... I deserve even better).

Having What I Deserve

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been wanting to write all day, I had a busy day.  I actually got to sleep in for a bit, I was awake off and on from 6:30 am but I didn't get up until a little after 9:00 am.  So I decide today would be the day that I find a before picture and take an after picture of myself.  I didn't really see too much difference, although I know I have lost a great deal, I am less than a pound away from losing 40 pounds in 12 weeks.  I do see more definition but I think the first picture was taken at a great angle, my new one was taken face on. Anyhow, I am not discouraged, I am still on my weight loss journey and as I told David today, I will probably see it better in the next 12 weeks. (No, I have not shown my David a picture yet)

Anyhow, I did some general housework, such as laundry and dishes and I cooked a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for the up coming week... good lunches for both of us, mine going on rice though.  Then I took a short nap, I was really tired after this week, it has been really stressful and the next week coming up doesn't look a whole lot easier... especially with my David going in for surgery for sure on Monday.  I am not sure how I will work that day... I guess on auto pilot.  Couldn't I just fly up there and be with him?  I guess that isn't feasible... oh well, it was just a fleeting thought.

I have been thinking how little I valued myself for so many years, I wouldn't listen to other people when they tried to tell me that I was worth so much more... I listened to the words of people who didn't really matter. Why do we listen to the bad things and not the good things?  Maybe I should ask, why do I listen to the bad things and not the good things?  I say this because Andrey is allowed out for day passes and he has been by to see Valentina a lot.  I look at him and think, how did I ever allow myself to be involved with him, did I really think so little of myself?

I am in a place now that the honest truth is that anyone will have to jump through hoops of fire to be with me, I just won't accept less than I deserve.  If I am being honest and that is the only way I can be, of course I only want David ... but I don't want him at all costs... I'm not willing to sacrifice myself again ... I know that I did that, he never asked me to... I didn't think I was enough, I was sure I had to be an even better version of myself than I was... well... I was good enough, I just didn't believe it.

I really think losing the weight, becoming healthy and allowing myself to actually feel my emotions instead of covering them up with food and other things has opened my eyes a great deal. Today when something scary happens like my David almost having to have emergency surgery last Tuesday, I cleaned and I cried... I wrote... I didn't eat the fear, I let myself cry, that's what I have to do, I have to let myself feel.  Not always easy but definitely the only way I can handle anything hard going forward.

I went for a walk tonight and I have to say it was one of my tougher walks, when I first went out and felt the wind, I thought oh... this feels good.  That was until I started walking in the path of it and I felt like I was being slowed down.  Who knew the wind could slow you down?  I didn't, I ended up walking about two and a quarter miles, which was well below my five miles a day I have been getting.  However; I also realize I need to take a day or two per week where I don't push myself beyond my limits.  Today was one of those days, saying all that, I did walk at a rate of a little over fifteen and half minutes per mile.  I think sometimes I expect a lot more from myself than I do from others and I need to give myself a break with working out so hard all the time.

What I am going to work on this week and going forward is not to push myself so hard all the time, I need to be a little kinder, I need to remember that I am not twenty and that taking a day once and a while isn't lazy, it is good for me.  I am going to spend a lot more time stretching and self massaging my legs, my legs do a lot for me, they deserve to be treated better than constantly pushing them to see how fast and how far I can go. I am not giving up my exercise regime, I am just going to remember that I need to give myself a break from time to time, the world won't fall apart if do.  I won't gain five pounds because I take a day to myself, even if I did, it would be okay... but I know I won't.

The most important thing I want to remember is that I am worth much more than I allow myself to believe... I deserve better than I have ever settled for and I won't accept anything less than what I deserve going forward.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I Am Going To Re-teach People How To Treat Me

I probably shouldn't post tonight, I am irate... Oooo, I don't like feeling this way but for whatever reason I let some people bring this out in me... Normally I just don't hang around these people but for some people I allow them to frustrate me and get away with it... This is something I need to change... why am I so afraid to stand up to certain people.  I think what I need to get into my head somehow is that if I say what I feel and they don't like it, then so be it... If I don't feel safe enough to say how I am feeling, why are they in my life.

Why do I feel the need to keep people in my life that don't deserve me?  It's like I think so little of myself that I am afraid I will lose those people and I would be lost... REALLY???  How about they would be lost without me?  I wonder if they ever think of that...? Probably not, because they see that no matter what they say or do that I still let them in my life.  I don't have a problem telling a person that is being mean and hurtful to me to move on ... I have problems saying it to others who just say insensitive things without even thinking.  Maybe I should tell them how insensitive they are and let the chips fall where they may.

If they can't understand that they are hurting me, maybe they need to be told... than they can either stop or stay out of my life.  Who wants anyone in their life that doesn't bring them up?  Not me anymore... I don't know what it is in my DNA that I allow anyone to be that way with me.  I try very hard not to be insensitive... I try to think of the other persons feelings. I swear I have a tattoo on my forehead that says... please walk all over me... it is only visible to those people.

My rant is over... instead of continuing to rant... I am going to confront those people and say how I feel... what is the worst thing that could happen?  I could lose them... Oh well, right at this moment, I think I could care less... Ultimately long term they will realize they have lost something even better... ME! I am very faithful, honest, open, caring and loving with my friends... you would think they wanted to be the same way with me... maybe not...

I guess I just needed to say how I felt and now I feel a bit better... I am still going to stand up to those people and tell them they are aggravating me with their insensitivity ... otherwise they might never know.  Besides, like I wrote the other night, any man future or otherwise should feel lucky if I give them a chance... I deserve for someone to feel lucky to have me.  My friends should try to remember this... The saying is true, You Teach People How To Treat You!  

I wanted to end this on a positive note after starting it out with so much frustration...  Today I was able to walk for over 3 miles, I am so pleased with myself... I even have blisters and I don't care, I am going to walk as much as I possibly can... I do need to eat a little more food than I am eating... I am not eating enough... for some reason, the more I walk the less I want to eat which isn't good as I am not even eating the minimum calories and I am expending so much energy, my body will think it is going into starvation mode (which makes me laugh since I am far from starving) However, I understand that my body doesn't get that... it just thinks I am depriving it.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Only Need To Give Love

I am of infinite worth, I deserved to be loved by my David, my David deserved to be loved by me.
We both had to know that,  for us to have worked, not just one of us.  I needed to remember that I am of infinite worth and I deserve to be loved. David doesn't have to love me for me to know that, I had to know that for myself. I have felt that before but not like I did tonight, I actually had chills from it.

I was reading a blog by a young woman that is a daughter of my very good friend from church which is titled Laura plus Jeremy: Our Little Life Together.  I was so moved by her honesty and openness about how she felt inadequate but that she had been touched by a very inspiring talk by one of our church members who talked about how we just needed to love Heavenly Father, love ourselves and don't compare ourselves to others. We are all deserving of infinite love, all the things we pick apart about ourselves is to keep us from remembering that Heavenly Father loves us, we should love ourselves and we should stop wondering if or why someone has it better or worse than us.

 Which only causes us to forget that we all deserve better and we shouldn't let the things we play in our head over and over, that somehow we are not good enough, for reasons we come up with where we think we don't deserve to be loved and from things we have been told throughout our lives by other people we know or have known.

I have not heard affirming affirmations most of my life... I have usually heard degrading things. Well as an adult I know they are not true but whenever I allow my mind to dwell on those thoughts, I am not allowing myself to see that I do deserve infinite love.  Just like we all do... Laura's blog so inspired me. I am seeing things from a different point of view, it is like I have done a one hundred and eighty degree turn.

I wanted, or rather I needed to write this tonight because I know the day may come that I will have a bad day where I allow my thoughts to dwell in those inadequate feelings,  I wanted this written blog post to remind me that they are not true.  They cannot be real if I don't give them part of my mind to dwell in... I am not even sure I can convey how much of an amazing feeling I had understanding this concept.

I am going to talk about something that I don't normally talk about because I do not like to come of as preachy.  I believe we all have the right to believe what we believe and that we should be respected for our beliefs.  I don't judge other people and I love all people, no matter what religion they are.

So when I read Laura's blog, I really felt the truth that Heavenly Father loves me, Jesus Christ loves me, I don't have to be perfect for Him to love me, I just have to be working at being a better me, a more loving and a nonjudgmental me.  I think I have come a long way in that department and for this I am grateful.

I am hoping I didn't come of too preachy because that is just not how I live my life, I am grateful for my knowledge and I believe strongly in my Faith but that doesn't mean I would profess to tell another how to live.  It is not my place to judge another, it is only my place to love.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥