I am in another one of those up and down emotional times, you know the kind where you can be laughing with a friend one minute and then crying for no reason. Part of it's because I've been slightly ill lately (it's been 26 months since I've been sick), the other part comes from feeling alone. I want so much to fill that empty void I have in my life and although I seem to fill it at times, it never seems to last.
I have tried every method possible to fill the empty space but honestly there is only one thing that can do that and I've never been able to attain it, so I end up feeling like an unfinished puzzle that will never be done because there are missing pieces. Also, no matter how hard I search to find those missing pieces, they seem to ever elude me.
Why is that some things come to me so easily and yet the one thing I want more than anything never seems to show up? It's like part of me feels I don't deserve it and I sabotage myself, why can't I be stronger in this one area of my life? I think I've listened to other people instead of believing in myself. My latest adventure is proof of that. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do but I let people with negative thoughts pull me down to their level. Now I am not where I want to be and I am so disappointed in myself for wavering in what I did know.
There are times in my life that I just wanted to give up on my dream and do something else, anything else to keep my mind off what I don't have. It seems to work for a short time. Then there other times that I do whatever I can to fill the void, not always with the best results, I just want to feel fulfilled. These crazy things that I have done or do to fill the void, work for such a short time and then they just leave me feeling emptier. I just don't even know how to proceed any further. I don't know what path to take any longer, it seems like it is always the wrong one.
So instead of choosing a path, I have just been standing looking down each one, hoping someone wise will come along and help me choose. I stand here alone though and I realize that it is my decision, no one else can choose for me. The longer I wait, the more difficult it has become, I have become afraid of what the outcome will be, instead of making the decision and going on my journey.
I need to not be afraid of the outcome and just make a decision, otherwise, I will be standing in the same place in a year from now.